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My Archives: February 2003

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Think back to your childhood when you were playing with your friends. There was always one kid who had to have his or her way. It wasn't always the same kid. Everyone had their turn being the little brat. I can remember being on both the giving and receiving end of that act.

Some kid always had to have their way. All the other kids would be unanimous in opposing that kid (usually because their ideas were really terrible or they wanted to play the wrong games or do something illegal or something). If that kid was a big enough whiner, if that kid had nice enough toys, if that kid was popular enough the other kids would eventually just become annoyed and give in to the child's demands.

I remember putting up a fuss a few times and people gave in (not that I was popular or anything). It was always a really hollow victory. Usually by that point I'd figured out that I was wrong and I wanted to play the wrong games or do the wrong thing for the wrong reason. Everyone else would be playing the game I had insisted on playing and I'd realize that it just wasn't any fun because they weren't into it and they were only doing it to shut me up.

That was a horrible feeling. The kids resented me for it. I resented other kids for it when they did the same. No one was happy when the democracy in childhood playing went out the window. No one is ever happy when the stubborn idiot gets his or her way.

I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying.

Posted by chefelf @ 11:27 PM EST [Link] [10 People Love Me!]

Friday, February 21, 2003

I have figured it out. When one spends much more time away from a loaf of bread than intended, one must become creative over how to eat that bread in a way that minimizes how stale it seems. Having spent nearly a week with my sweetie in New York I came home to a rather neglected looking and stale loaf of bread.

Here's what to do:

Make a sandwich as usual (preferably the night before). Then when you are ready to eat the sandwich take each slice off the sandwich and flip it over. This way the side of the bread that was exposed to the moisture of the cheese or meat or what have you will now be on the outside and will feel soft and fresh under your hungry, greedy, grimy fingertips.

Isn't life amazing?

A forgotten tale from New York:

As Jen and I left her building on Sunday night the snow was beginning to fall. There were a couple of 10-12 year olds standing outside making snowballs. They tried to throw one at Jen but hit the building instead. "Pesky kids," I muttered under my breath.

As we passed I heard footsteps running up behind us and then a snowball hit Jen in the back. "Nice," she said. As I turned to say something to the little shit I saw him slip on a patch of ice and land flat on his back on the hard concrete. "Ahhhh, my back!!" he cried. So I turned back around and continued walking with Jen.

As I said: isn't life amazing?

Posted by chefelf @ 12:25 PM EST [Link] [33 People Love Me!]

Thursday, February 20, 2003

So I made it back home finally. Being snowed in by a giant blizzard is about the best possible natural disaster that one can hope for. If you have the means of going to your girlfriend's apartment in Manhattan and then having an unexpected Blizzard keep you stranded there for an extra two days I highly recommend it. It was marvelous.

The people at work were understanding and that is very good. Not that I had any guilt whatsoever but it is always nice to know that a group of people you spend forty hours a week with doesn't collectively hate your guts.

Prior to the blizzard there were freezing cold blasts of air rocketing down every street in New York so we didn't participate in a great deal of outdoor activities but that was just fine. We did walk to a store called "Gristedes" to do some grocery shopping. The walk there was unbearably cold but when we finally go there we were greeted by a scraggly animatronic fisherman who said: "Arrrr... welcome to Gristedes!" And, indeed, I have never felt so welcome. There was also a dopey animatronic papaya with a really dumb-sounding voice who was saying something along the lines of, "New York is the greatest city in the world and you are the greatest people in the world." The papaya smelled more like desperation than tropical fruit.

Completely oblivious to the fact that blizzard was rapidly approaching us we purchased a TON of groceries. So much that we could barely carry it all. We spent the next 48 hours unable to leave the building. Boy did we eat well.

While Jen attempted to get schoolwork done while I totally overstayed my welcome I entertained myself by periodically looking out the window and commenting on how the Jeeps across the street were getting buried in snow. This displays both my outstanding powers of observation and my ability to annoy the ones I love with useless and obvious information that could just as easily be ascertained by anyone else on earth. I got some good pictures of the Jeeps, though. Hooo mama!

We finally made it out of the house Tuesday night--more to just get the hell out than anything else--and traipsed through Times Square. Maybe we trudged through Times Square. There were giant puddles of icy water at every crosswalk. The puddles always seemed to be about half or three-quarters of an inch deep until we stepped in them and found out we were now knee-deep, wading through and icy, slushy mess. Luckily there were only about seventy or eighty crosswalks between Jen's apartment and Times Square so we didn't have to suffer through that episode too many times.

When we got home we turned on the news and some jackass camera man had set up a camera next to one of the deeper puddles. As the newspeople talked about the blizzard they just filmed unsuspecting pedestrians as they fell waist deep into a puddle and then totally freaked out as they realized that their walk was now going to be even more awful than they had previously thought. If there's one thing that cameraman taught me it's that it is better to film misery than to expend even less energy and try to prevent it.

Pixy got me a chocolate Home Depot NASCAR candy for Valentine's day. Vroooom. It's amazing. I'm really worried about it, though. I don't want to eat it because it's so cool but it's chocolate and some day I will have a sweet tooth and that will be the last remaining sugar product in my apartment. I will be helpless, sucked in by its hypnotic white trash allure.

Yesterday afternoon, before I left, Jen and I had lunch with Caolan. It was great except for the part when Caolan lost her scarf. That part was sad.

So I greatly look forward to the next blizzard. Hopefully I can have some more warning next time as to make sure that I am stranded as far away from my work and responsibilities as possible and hopefully Jen will be able to arrange the same for herself. Perhaps next time we can get stranded in This Glorious City and that way it will be easier for her to duck her commitment as well.

Posted by chefelf @ 02:16 PM EST [Link] [10 People Love Me!]

Monday, February 17, 2003

I am in Manhattan presently, visiting Jen. I checked the weather on Thursday night before I left to make sure that my travel plans would not be hindered by any possible weather anomalies. Weather.com said that there would be "snow flurries" on Saturday and "snow flurried" on Tuesday. This was perfect since I intended to leave Monday afternoon. Saturday passed without snow at all and it began to snow last night while Jen and I traipsed through Some midtown portion of Manhattan that I was unable to identify. It was about ten degrees and the wind was whipping at us causing mucho misery as we tried to find our way to her apartment. A man sprinted past us exclaiming: "Wooooo! Yeaaaahhh! Woooo!" His method of dealing with the face-chapping, blistering cold was to pretend that he rather enjoyed it.

When we finally got to her place we turned on the TV to see what the deal with the snow was. Apparently "snow flurries" on Saturday and Tuesday had turned into "a fucking blizzard" Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Spectacular. The unremovable visage of Hans Blix had dominated the air waves on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday and only now did the news people pause to mention a blizzard which was now already well under way.

This is fine. I get to have a good excuse to not go to work (being that there is no possible way of getting there) and I can just hang out indoors, reading, hanging out, playing on the computer and watching TV. The Blizzard of '03, so far, has been a rocking good time.

Valentine's Day was good. We had a nice meal and champagne and wine and went to one of those really pretentious grocery stores that sell oysters with a "cucumber finish". This is pretty revolutionary for me. Having previously only had hatred for cucumbers and anything remind me of them I rather enjoyed the oysters and also the delicious cucumber soup that Jen made.

Jen got me Nate the Great and the Mushy Valentine which was an amazing read. She also got me Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About the novel by Mil Milllington who does the website of the same name that I love. Also she got me nice little demitasse cups for espresso (perhaps she is trying to tell me that I am not high class enough). This is quite good, actually, because drinking an ounce and a half of espresso from a giant 15 oz. [roots]# coffee mug is just silly.

Earlier on Sunday, before the snow, Jen accused me of kicking a pigeon. We were walking amongst the pigeons, as people do, and we got close to one and it flew away. "Did you just kick that pigeon?" she asked.

"No. I did not just kick that pigeon," I replied.

"I think you did just kick that pigeon," she insisted.

I know what you are wondering. Did I, in fact, kick a pigeon? Is Chefelf actually a sadistic abuser of animals? Would Chefelf kick a kitten? Would he find even more joy in kicking things he likes less like a puppy?

I'll never tell.

Any of you.

Posted by chefelf @ 12:42 PM EST [Link] [15 People Love Me!]

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

I forgot my lunch at home in an exciting new way! I left it on the counter! Now, rather than using it tomorrow, I will have to throw it away when I get home. The turkey was questionable to begin with I'm not going to risk eating it after it sits on a counter for nearly nine hours. It's in the temperature danger zone, people! That's a risk I can't afford to take!

I wonder if my subconscious has anything to do with forgetting my lunch more lately. My subconscious (as well as my conscious) is well aware that forgetting my lunch means KFC. Their Honey Barbecue Wings to be precise. And a carefully ordered Twister Combo meal and 8 piece Honey Barbecue Wings will be lunch for two days! That's $3.51 1/2 cents a day! Not too shabby.

How does KFC decide what is going to do on a company-wide level? They stopped giving out wet naps sometime around the time that they started offering Honey Barbecue Wings: the world's messiest lunch. Plain old napkins just don't do the trick. This requires me to get up and go to the restroom to wash my hands after eating each individual wing! Unacceptable.

Also how did they decide how many potato wedges constitute a small order? The small sleeve for the potato wedges is appropriately small while the amount of actual potato wedges could fill a shopping bag. This means that the potato wedge sleeve simply acts as a sort of centralized flag to indicate the general whereabouts of the potato wedges in the bag. Other than as a potato wedge locator the sleeve serves no purpose. They should just fill the bag half way with potato wedges and then lie your sandwich on top and save us the aggravation of having to discard the thing when we first dump the bag out onto our tables.

Tomorrow I eat cold KFC for lunch then I am off to New York City to see Jen. We have a romantic Valentine's Day planned which may involve all or none of the following:


  1. A joint effort culinary extravaganza
  2. Big fat candles
  3. Watching Star Trek: The Next Generation
  4. Candles
  5. Napping
  6. Renting Ford Fairlane
  7. A carriage ride with white horses!!
  8. Flowers that are in the shapes of a hugging couple
  9. A brand new Lexus

My Dad's birthday is today which means that he is really old. Abraham Lincoln's Birthday is today too. He is even older. I am cooking him dinner to celebrate! My dad, that is, not Abraham Lincoln.

Posted by chefelf @ 01:12 PM EST [Link] [34 People Love Me!]

Tuesday, February 4, 2003

I once again forgot to bring my lunch to work and so I am eating Honey BBQ wings from KFC. I hate to drop $7.49 on a Twister Combo meal and get Honey BBQ wings, but the KFC is right next to my office and I don't really have much of a choice. I must say that I am secretly delighted when I forget my lunch as Honey BBQ wings are now my favorite food. Speaking of Honey BBQ wings, they are also Chris Livingston's favorite food. This got me to wondering if he was dead. He hasn't updated in almost two months... that's a long time for him! I went to his message board and apparently I am not the only person that has been wondering. You can read about it on this thread called: What if there was no more Chris?

I, for one, would be very sad if Chris either died or stopped updating as I still think he is the funniest man on the internet and the most consistently funny person in the entire world. He's a true genius. His lack of response to his fans wondering if he is alive worries me immensely. He has always been nothing but nice to me. How would we know if Chris died? I'm assuming someone, a relative perhaps, would post something on his message board but how long would it take? I'm sure he's just going through a lull and everything is fine.

There is speculation that he has just stopped doing the site but I think that Chris would notify his loyal fans if he had come to that decision. Maybe he's working on a novel. Maybe he's gotten permanent employment. Maybe he got swept away on a whirlwind romance and is now married in Barbados with a baby on the way!

Whatever it is I hope that he's happy AND I hope he gets to updating again because I truly miss reading his stuff. Maybe I'll email his mom and have her Xerox the hard copy of all of his articles that she religiously prints out.

In other news tomorrow is my six month anniversary with Jen. Very cool. Who would have thought that the most singlest of Redclouds would fall in love? Well I did, I guess. I'm lucky it was with someone as great as she is. Our first date was on the day her first guest article was posted on Lance & Eskimo. Weird, huh?

Posted by chefelf @ 12:28 PM EST [Link] [44 People Love Me!]

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