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Written by: Chefelf

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Reasons 1-10

Reason #1
The Title
I don't think it ever occurred to anyone that the title of Episode II wouldn't be The Clone War. That seemed like an obvious title and a good one. Lucas then announced that the title would be Attack of the Clones to pay homage to the days of the 1950's movie serial. What he's forgetting is that those serials were terrible! Attack of the Clones, while it will grow on you just as any bad thing will, is a horrible title! Why would you want to pay homage to crap? It's especially bad when you realize that the clones in question are fighting for the good side. That's even less scary and stupider sounding. The title is essentially Attack of the Good Guys.

Reason #2
"I shouldn't have come back."
The movie begins with an assassination attempt on the life of Senator Amidala. When several of her staff lie dead she says: "I shouldn't have come back." Isn't she a senator? How could she possibly avoid coming back? In what way has she been representing her planet for the past ten years that hasn't involved being in the Senate Chamber with all the other senators?

Reason #3
Dissing Yoda
When Yoda sees Amidala he says: "Seeing you alive brings warm feeling to my heart." Amidala completely blows by him and starts yammering on about whatever is on her mind. There is so much dialogue like this in the movie. Someone will say something almost human and another person will respond (or not respond) in a completely inhuman way. Yoda can't even score a simple "thank you" from Amidala after his kind words. It's enough to make one wonder if Lucas has ever had a conversation with another living being.

Reason #4
Spice Miners
"Our intelligence points to disgruntled spice miners, on the moons of Naboo." When the Queen's life is threatened their intelligence points to "disgruntled spice minters on the moons of Naboo." Great. This is just another reason to mention "spice miners" and is never mentioned again. A perfect example of George Lucas going down the Star Wars checklist on his way to making a poor film. "Gundarks?" Check. "Spice Miners?" Check. "Poodoo?" Check.

Reason #5
Jimmy Smits
I don't mind Jimmy Smits. He seems like a nice enough guy. There is just something so utterly distracting about him in this movie that I can't stand it. Thankfully he's only in a few tiny scenes or I wouldn't have retained a damn thing about this movie. Every scene he is in I am forced to just stare slack-jawed at his magnificence/out-of-placedness. It may be narrow minded but I am just seeing Bobby Simone from NYPD Blue. Okay so I've never actually seen an episode of NYPD Blue but I've seen the commercials.

Reason #6
They just had to do it. In an elevator ride Anakin pointlessly brings up the time that he saved Obi-Wan after he fell into a "nest of Gundarks". They laugh about it... and it's really dumb. I will eat my hat if Nerf Herders are not mentioned in the next movie.

Reason #7
The Meeting
"Annie? My goodness you've grown." "And you've grown. More beautiful." This sets it in motion. The groans filled the cinema as this scene just refused to die. You would think that the obvious things (i.e. Palpatine's evil, Amidala and Anakin's romance, Anakin becomes Vader) that everyone knows is going to happen wouldhave a little more in the subtlety department. I am reasonably certain that there will be an agonizingly long baby-naming sequence in the next movie where they agree on "Luke" if it's a boy and "Leia" if it's a girl. They will probably even stumble through some of the original names that Lucas had for Luke like "Dirk Starkiller". It doesn't matter how bad an idea you think of for one of these movies, Lucas will come along and make your idea look good by comparison.

Reason #8
"We're trying to protect you, not start an investigation." Why are Jedi always talking like this? Jedi have gone from being just about the coolest thing I can imagine to being know-it-all jerks. Everything anyone says in presence of a Jedi they must be cautious of. If you say anything around a Jedi they'll just change it around. "Master Yoda, we're out of Pop Tarts." "Oooh? So certain are you? Always the Pop Tarts can not be found." "But I looked in the cupboard and it's empty." "Empty the cupboard is not. Absent of food it is. As 'empty' the same it is not."

Reason #9
Thought Betrayal
At one point early on Obi-Wan warns Anakin to: "Be mindful of your thoughts, they betray you." What? Anakin was just saying something about how the Senator wasn't happy to see him. That's not his thoughts betraying him. I could be wrong but I think they worked in a line exactly like this in Episode I. They need to relax a bit with this line. Perhaps something else would have been in order. A more appropriate line like: "I believe she was happy to see you." Or: "I'm not saying that your thoughts are betraying you or nothing, I'm just saying that she was happy to see you."

Reason #10
Bugs Over Bullets
The assassination attempts on Amidala continue. Putting a bomb in her ship didn't seem to do the trick so these unknown assassins start to get a little more creative. Amidala's bedroom is protected by laser motion detectors all across the floor while these giant windows remain unguarded. The assassins decide to fly a droid over that will spread a part of the window open (how I'm not sure) and release poisonous bugs that can crawl underneath the lasers and bite the Senator. They opt for this method rather than sending the same droid over with a gun to just shoot her with bullets which would also not trip the lasers and would be foolproof. Instead they send living beings to sneak past Jedi who are masters of the Force, a mystical power created by life. Dumbasses.


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Reasons to Hate Star Wars

Episode I (78 Reasons to Hate!)

Episode II (64+ Reasons to Hate!)

Episode III (91 Reasons to Hate!)

The Nitpicker's Guide to Star Wars

Episode IV: Special Edition (12 Nitpicks!)

Episode V: Special Edition (8 Nitpicks!)

Episode VI: Special Edition (17 Nitpicks!)

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