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If I hear the word 'Poodoo' one more time I just may lose it. This stupid Sebulba type sees Obi-Wan hanging onto a droid for dear life and is forced to curse: "Jedi Poodoo!" which of course translates loosely as "Jedi food!". Maybe I'm ignoring the fact that most curses don't translate well but it's more that I'm tired of the overuse of the word "poodoo". It would be much cooler if they said something different that you couldn't translate for yourself so you could make your own assumptions about it's meaning. For instance, I would imagine that that creature yelled, "Jesus H. Christ!"
When Anakin finally catches up with Obi-Wan he asks Anakin: "What took you so long." Anakin responds with the line: "Oh you know master, I couldn't find a speeder I really liked." It doesn't stop there because he goes on an on and on about how he had a particular color in mind and it didn't have the features he was looking for, etc. The lines are delivered with the comedic flare of Alan Greenspan reading an obituary aloud. Obi-Wan then says: "If you spent as much time practicing your swordplay as you do practicing your wit you would rival Master Yoda as a swordsman." No he wouldn't... he would be a really terrible swordsman. And really embarrassing to watch.
"Anakin, how many times have I told you? Stay away from power couplings!" What the hell? They only mentioned this because it was in The Empire Strikes Back. It was a dumb line to begin with, but calling them "power couplings" was even worse. I'd be willing to bet that Obi-Wan has never told Anakin to stay away from power couplings and I'd also like to point out that giant electrical generators would not just be erected in open air to be easily flown into. And if they were that giant they would have fried the two Jedi to a crisp unless they used the Force to trick the electricity into thinking that they were made of rubber.
Negligence of Physics
Anakin's fall to grab the ship stretches even the most liberal acceptance of the way the Force and physics works. I am willing to suspend disbelief and I am willing to accept the intricacies of the Force but this one pushes it. We know that the Force can't be used to fly and its powers of levitation are very limited so even using the argument that Anakin broke his fall a little still means that he's not only going to have to stop a vertical fall but then accelerate his horizontal motion to at least one hundred miles and hour or have his arms completely ripped off. A scene like the speeder bike seen from Return of the Jedi could have been much more effective where they could have merely jumped from ship to ship and physics could have been obeyed. I have the feeling that Lucas relies a little too much on the Force to get himself out of trouble. "How did he do that?" "The Force." "How did that happen?" "The Force." "Why does this movie suck?" "Uhhh... Gotta go!"
"You're going to be the death of me."
A part of me almost enjoyed this. I can't explain why but I kinda thought that this was the only good joke of the movie. All evidence points to it being embarrassing so I'm going to at least pretend to take that stance instead. Yet another "Because of what's going to happen..." joke that need not be included in the movie. I kinda liked it... I can't explain why.
When Obi-Wan asks, "Where did he go?" Anakin answers, "I think he's a she and I think she's a changeling." For one thing changelings are lame. That's something stupid that should be limited to Dungeons & Dragons type universe and not Star Wars! Besides, if she was a changeling then why didn't she ever change? You would figure that she may have thought of that seeing that she was trying to hide from them. The only time she takes advantage of her special ability is when she dies and that's probably just a reflex as she changes back to whatever her original form is. And if she was a changeling how the hell could Anakin detect that if she didn't do any changing? Just another needless special effect in a long line of crap that leads up to this scene.
In the "club" on Coruscant a man (who, I regret to inform you, just happens to be named Elan Sleazebaggano) offers some "Death Sticks" to Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan tells Elan Sleazebaggano: "You don't want to sell me death sticks. You want to go home and rethink your life." To which Elan Sleazebaggano replies: "I don't want to sell you death sticks. I want to go home and rethink my life." Elan Sleazebaggano might as well have said: "Do you want to buy some Marlboro Lights?" It could be that these may be some sort of drug but they just look exactly like cigarettes. When's the last time someone offered to sell you cigarettes at a bar? I'll answer that for you... NEVER!
"It was a bounty hunter called--"
Why would a bounty hunter hire someone to find and kill someone? And how is he a bounty hunter if he never finds or kills anyone for bounty. If anything he's an assassin. And a pretty crappy assassin if he's hiring someone else entirely to do his dirty work. It is clear that the only reason they call him a "bounty hunter" at all is because he's wearing the same suit that Boba Fett wore, the obvious problem being that Boba Fett hasn't become a bounty hunter or worn that suit yet. When they finally get her to say who the bounty hunter is she is killed instantly by a poison dart. The two Jedi's senses completely miss the approaching dart which leaves us wondering why Jango Fett didn't just take out one or both of the Jedi. This seems like it would have been a wiser move.
Palpatine and Skywalker
When Anakin finally gets his first assignment on his own to protect the senator he and Palpatine have an exchange in Palpatine's chambers. "It seems that your patience has finally paid off," Palpatine says. "Your guidance, more than my patience," responds Anakin. What guidance? What are they talking about? This is the only exchange of dialogue between the two in the entire movie and nothing is ever mentioned of Palpatine's guidance. If they had shown any sort of bonding between these characters then perhaps this could have been a good scene but again we are forced to watch a scene which refers to things we either don't see or that never happen. It's as if Lucas felt he needed to build the relationship between the two but he was too busy making lousy special effects to bother including the interpersonal dialogue that it would have required. It may have even required a scene that wasn't filmed entirely in front of a blue screen.
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Can't they just pretend that that prophecy baloney from the first movie never happened? Prophecies are really dumb to begin with. They were fine two thousand years ago in plays but can't they just be abandoned by now? We get the point of prophecies... you can't do anything to negate a prophecy. The Jedi are apparently too stupid to realize that the way that Anakin is going to bring balance to the force is by killing all but two Jedi. It will be perfectly balanced against the two Sith. Mace Windu and Yoda are just bumbling around blindly accepting this prophecy at face mostly of death and suffering. I'm not buying that crap about their ability to use the Force diminishing. That's a bunch of hooey! It's just a cheap excuse as to why they don't detect Palpatine. After two days of training on Dagobah Luke was able to detect Vader's presence across the vastness of space and Han suffering across the galaxy. I feel strongly that Yoda, after 800 years of Jedi training, would be able to detect the evil inside of Palpatine from across the desk in Palpatine’s office.
Reasons to Hate Star Wars
Episode I (78 Reasons to Hate!)
Episode II (64+ Reasons to Hate!)
Episode III (91 Reasons to Hate!)
The Nitpicker's Guide to Star Wars
Episode IV: Special Edition (12 Nitpicks!)
Episode V: Special Edition (8 Nitpicks!)
Episode VI: Special Edition (17 Nitpicks!)