Chefelf.com Night Life: Doctor X - Viewing Profile

In case you missed part 1, I was having trouble logging in that day, so posted it under another name here: http://www.chefelf.c. ..?showtopic=3477

Reason #11
Count Dooku
It is an unusual choice to put a climactic lightsaber battle at the very beginning of a Star Wars movie, however, there it is.

True. However, we DO have to wrap up the Count Dooku plot thread pretty quickly here. Plus, it's Christopher Lee, man. Gotta take him out quick or his very presence will upstage Surfer Dude Christiansen for the rest of the film and the audience would be going "Why does Putz Boy get to be Vader? Keep Christopher Lee around!"

Apparently 100% of the cutting remarks used in the lightsaber battle were taken directly from the back cover of The Beginner's Dictionary of Cliché Cutting Remarks For Sword Fighters, First Printing.

Which was written by...Christopher Lee! I've heard that it's in Ahnold's contract that he gets a million dollars for every one-liner he uses in a film, because they never know what might become the next "I'll be back" or "Hasta La Vista, Baby." Knowing that, I won't begrudge Christopher Lee's making a few bucks off lines that he probably owns the copyright on anyway. (I believe he gets 10 bucks every time someone in a film says "You'll never get away with this.")


Reason #12
Obi-Wan's Lack of Injury
His midichlorians grew him new ones. That's why he apparently ages 50 years between now and Episode IV.

Ok, ya got me on this one. He should have at least had to spend a few hours in a bacta tank huffing ether.


Reason #13
"I shouldn't have done that..."
Another good place for that "Wah-Wah-Wah-WAAAAHHH! !!" sound from Sesame Street. The one they play when Cookie Monster finally goes nuts and gobbles the cookies up.


Reason #14
Gravity? Which Way Is Down In Space?
I think it's pretty commonly accepted knowledge that space is without gravity. However, when General Grievous's ship has "stabilizer problems," it suddenly goes into a nose dive above Coruscant.

Yeah, but there's precedent for this, like when the Executor nose-dived into the Death Star at the Battle of Endor. Not saying it's not bad science, just that it's consistent with the setting.

This raises an interesting question: how was the artificial gravity being created on this ship in the first place?

With Industrial Light and Magic.


Reason #15
Vacuum of Space?
Not only does Grievous destroy the ship's quarter inch thick portal window by simply tossing a stick at it -- a portal that is designed to sustain the ship against the cold vacuum of space, mind you -- but the common myth of science fiction is perpetuated. After knocking out a window in space, it just gets really windy and there is only what can best be described as "a light sucking."

The science aside, why would the droid army even need a pressurized bridge on a ship with an all-droid crew? The only reason for even having a viewscreen would BE so that if the bridge takes a hit, the crew gets sucked out by the big Science Fiction Vacuum.

Reason #16
"Another Happy Landing."
I wonder if the few thousand people in that command tower you just demolished would appreciate the humor in that. Yes, most of them are probably dead, but maybe that joke could get a chuckle out of some of the mangled survivors.

Maybe his midichlorians told him that there was an as-yet undetected reactor leak in that tower and that everyone was doomed to die a slow death by radiation poisoning already. Or that they were just CGI people. Or...maybe I got nothing here.


Reason #17
The Millennium Falcon
Ok, no arguement here, so let me go off on a tangent. A friend who's even a bigger Star Wars nut than me was searching online some time before Episode I came out for technical specs on the Falcon, and one phrase he read to me (Wish I knew where the site was to link it.) just struck me:

"Pete has always been fascinated by the mandibles."

I kept picturing Pete holding one of the little Micro Machines Falcons and gazing in awe and wonder. This became a thing with me for a while, and I could oft be heard saying things like "Harvey Winthorpe of Pocatello, Idaho waxes poetical and sings songs and stories of the landing gear" or "Jeffrey Lewis of Federal Way, Washington beats his fists bloody and shouts at God in his unfair heaven over the gangplank."


Reason #18
Anakin and Obi-Wan's Chummy Antics
It feels forced (pardon the pun) because it is. I'm sure that as they began filming, Lucas came out of his dazed memories of the 50s and went "Shit! Rapport, people! We need rapport somewhere in this film!"


Reason #19
Anakin and Padme in the Shadows
Then she explains to the audience, once again, why it's bad that they are married so that you can be reminded of all that Jedi nonsense about not falling in love that they made up in Attack of the Clones.

I won't defend bad expository dialogue. C'mon, George! All through the last two films, you've operated on the assumption that everyone has seen the first trilogy. If we're in this deep, we know how we got here by now!

Padme then tells Anakin that she is pregnant. Anakin does a half-assed job of pretending that he's happy about this and then, after realizing he's done such a poor job, tries to make himself sound better by lying and saying, "This is the happiest moment of my life."

I' m just going to chalk this up to the acting abilities of Hayden S. Christensen, Esquire.


Reason #20
PAD-UH-MAY
I've always been distracted by the way there doesn't seem to be a set pronunciation for specific characters' names. Sure, people could mispronounce others' names in real life, but once you knew someone and were friends with them for several years, wouldn't you learn the correct way to pronounce their name and have some respect for it?

As someone whose real first and last name are tricky to spell and/or pronounce, I'm going to have to say "No." My last name is only six letters, there's one vowel, and it repeats, but people still seem to need to add an extra syllable or two. (I also have a friend whose last name is Bolte, and the "e" IS supposed to be pronounced, but I slip up once in a while, too.)

Just wanted to know if anyone else has kept enough of their fanhood to play this game.

I'm on the Bria server under the name Dexxter Nullify if anyone wants to adventure.

Reason #71
More Utilities

I've been able to infer from comments elsewhere on the site and the fact that you'd make such an in-depth analysis of this film that you either do or have played D&D. Rope and grappling hook are simple basic adventuring gear, right up there with two weeks of Iron Rations. Yes, everybody DOES have them! Did you ever play a character who didn't? Neither have I.

Reason #72
Only in a Video Game
When Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are chasing Darth Maul they come across this one corridor that is a series of seven or eigth shield generated walls that turn on and off in a specific pattern. This is cool except that it is a scenario that would only ever exist in a video game.

Not only this, but when they finally actually PUT the scene in a video game, it was a cinematic, and in the game, Darth Maul actually says "Die, Jedi, Die." Thus shattering the whole "Phantom Menace"-ness of it all.

Reason #73
Anakin's Crash
Anakin just happens to crash into the main Trade Federation ship/command center. When there he accidentally releases two proton torpedos directly into the power core of the ship and then accidentally flies out of the hangar bay. All the droids on Naboo then loose power. Oh, for silly luck!

Again, utter agreement. Between the droids, the Gungans, Anakin's Gilligan moments, and all the clever references to the previous films, I'm amazed that Lucas managed to throw in something as intricate as Palpatine's power bid into the story.

Reason #74
Obi-Wan's Recovery

What amazed me even more than this was the "Darth Maul is soooooo cool" thing that's still in the undercurrent of pop culture, even after he got taken down by a move that Ray Charles would've seen coming. It's like being a fan of the guy with the big scimitar in Raiders of the Lost Ark.


Reason #75 & #76

Agreement here as well. Sad that Lucas tried to squeeze all his foreshadowing into this film. What's there to reveal in the third chapter? That Anakin becomes Vader? That Palpatine is the Emperor? The only plot twist left open is if Jar Jar is Luke and Leia's father.


Reason #77
A Static Ending

The static electricity thing didn't kill this scene for me so much as the music playing. Every time someone puts the film on now, when this scene comes on, I go into "Can you tell me how to get...how to get to Sesame Street?"


Reason #78
Back to the Classics
After the glorious sphere presentation, everyone stands around and mugs for the camera, R2-D2 hops around and chirps and in all other ways it just emulates Episode IV. The Disappointment finally ends but the blatant rip-off reminds you of Star Wars Episode IV and the good 'ol days when movies only had a few minor flaws and not 78 major ones!

And once again, Chewie doesn't get a medal.


Final thoughts on Episode I: For years, Hitchhiker's Guide fans pestered Douglas Adams to write another book. He'd wanted to move on, he'd done two excellent Dirk Gently books, but still, they wouldn't relent, so he finally wrote "Mostly Harmless" and killed off Arthur Dent just to shut people up. I think that's what we're seeing in the prequel trilogy, only in this case, Lucas has only himself to blame. Back when he was a young film maker and had just been given a huge budget to make his space epic, he said to himself "And I'll call it Episode IV, so people will wonder about what happened in the first three, yeah!" It's a classic mistake of youth, thinking The Rest Of Your Life is going to be just a couple days. Twenty years of "When're you gonna do the first three films" later, he says to himself "Fuck it, let's just throw something together and be done with it!"
If there's a lesson to be learned here it's that one should keep the difference between "Leave them wanting more" and "Leave them demanding more" in mind.

That or the "doddering old man stuck in the 50s" theory.

Reason #61
Anakin's Ineptitude
Jake Lloyd is a ten year old boy so I would feel bad if I made fun of him. I think he did a good job given the crap that he had to work with. However there are a few points in the movie where he delivers a rather lackluster performance. That's fine... that's why they have this thing called "Multiple Takes"! The one that sticks out more than any is the line: "Master, I've heard Master Yoda talking about midi-chlorians and I was wondering... what are midi-chlorians?"

Boy, I wish we could have seen Master Yoda droning on about the midi-chlorians. "Higher than mine, the boy's midi-chlorian count is. Shit that is little!"
As for this line sticking out most, four words: Are you an angel?

The line itself is written with the skill of a six year old and being delivered (with no fault to Jake Lloyd) poorly on top of this. Luckily Qui-Gon doesn't go into an agonizing description of the molecular and organic properties of midi-chlorians and how they help a Jedi use the force using the term "symbiont organisms" to illustrate his point. Oh wait, I was thinking of the Three Amigos. That didn't happen in the Three Amigos but it did happen in The Phantom Menace.

Once again, George's galloping senility and ideal 50's Americana dreamscape. "I think Qui-Gon should give a lesson like that snazzy Mr. Wizard fellow. He's Boss!" All that's missing is one of those chromed trailer-looking diners that serves milkshakes...oh, wait, that's in the next film, isn't it? Let's come back to this point later.


Reason #62
Senator Palpatine

I can relate to this point as well. Before going to see "Mission: Impossible," I was talking to a friend about how they could possibly do the film without Peter Graves in it, and came to one of two conclusions. Either he's been promoted to the voice on the tape that self-destructs in five seconds, or he's the bad guy, turning against the nation that he's served tirelessly for so many years with no more thanks than a crummy pension check and a little American flag to wave.
Although, in defense of the film, Jean Reno does a great performance as Jean Reno yet again.


Reason #63
"Yousa Qui-Gon Gonna Die?"
You know that Qui-Gon is going to die. He's practically a carbon copy of Obi-Wan from Episode IV. What makes it even more obvious is that he and Obi-Wan have this touching scene where Qui-Gon tells Obi-Wan how great a student he's been and how much he's learned, etc. Then Obi-Wan in turn tells Qui-Gon how much he means to him. I remember sitting in the theater thinking: "Okay, I know he's going to die now its just a matter of when. Hmmmmm. I wonder if it will involve Darth Maul and a lightsaber? Only time will tell." If they had left this pointless scene out then maybe Qui-Gon's death would have been a surprise if you were dumb... or under the age of eight.

If you're like me, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, you bought the soundtrack that was ever-so-wisely released about a month before the film. Right on the case, one of the tracks is listed as "Qui-Gon's Funeral." Think it's bad knowing this stuff in the theater, try knowing it while you're in line for the tickets.


Reason #64
"Meesa lika dis!"
Boss Nass agrees to form a military alliance with the Naboo because Queen Amidala says that she is not as good as a Gungan. Boy. I'm not sure what is dumber, Gungans or this plot device.

More agreement here, so let's talk about another issue while we're on the subject of Gungans. Exactly how and why do the Gungans and the Naboo form a symbiote circle? We can waste valuable screentime droning on about midi-chlorians, why not some explanation as to why it's so vital that these two races team up? A line about each one breathing out a chemical the other needs or something like that might have taken some of the grating edge off Jar Jar's presence. It's probably something like the Gungans eat the Naboobians' poo, but if I believe that Lucas would put something like that in the script, I'd have to believe that he'd put fart jokes in, too...um...I was going somewhere with this, originally, but I lost it. Let's move on.


Reason #65
General Binks
Because of Jar Jar's minimal involvement with the alliance between the Gungans and the Naboo he is made a General. What is it with George Lucas and this idea that anyone who does one minor thing is suddenly fit to lead troops into battle?

At last, something I can make a point for! The Rebellion, and basically, that's what we're seeing the seeds of in this film, is a NEW army. New armies need heroes to rally behind, and need them quickly. So, while I might not agree with the Rebellion's "Throw a rock at an AT-AT and you're a general" policy, I see the logic behind it.

Here's a thought: Why do they call themselves The Rebellion? Why not The Revolution? Look at history, if they lose, they're rebels, if they win, they're revolutionaries. It's like naming a boat "The Gonna Sink," or naming a sports team "The Guys Who're Going To Get Their Asses Kicked."

Reason #66
Mobile Holograms
While the Viceroy is walking around the captured palace of Naboo there is a hologram generator that is following him with a hologram transmission from Darth Sidious. It's walking around on legs! Legs! It's downright preposterous.

More of the Star Wars "Bigger is better" philosophy. Why have a cell-phone when you can have a spider-legged walking hologram projector?


Reasons #67 & #68
Binoculars and "Cease Fire"

Stems back to one of my early counterpoints about the droids being bought in bulk.

"How much to give da droids terescopic vision and individuah radio rinks?"

"2000 credits each."

"Too much. We'll just buy them some binocurars and make them yerr."


Reason #70
Barnstormer Anakin

Utter agreement here. After his fighter takes off, I just wanted to hear the Skipper say "You've done it again, Little Buddy!" and stirke up the music that plays when they show the shot of the island right before they go to black and the "Now this is a tale of our castaways" song.

I agree entirely with reasons 41-50, so I'll just touch on a couple and move on.

Reason #45
Jawas
Jawas appear sporadically throughout the Tattoine segments. They never say anything except the classic Jawa line: "Oonteenee!" I wonder if they are speaking Huttese or if they have their own language. Either way, their brains must be unusually small if their only exp​ression seems to be: "Oonteenee!"

"Hey Jawa, you just won the lottery!"

"Oonteenee! "

"Hey Jawa, your mom just died!"

"Oonteenee! "

"Hey Jawa, you have a nice butt."

"Oonteenee! "

Oonteenee is obviously Jawa for "WEEEEEEEEE!! !"

Reason #50
Touching Scene
After Anakin stops being an idiot and figures out that never seeing his mother again means that he's never going to see his mother again, there is a touching mother and son scene that leads to a heartwrenching 24 second pouting sequence after which Anakin entirely forgets his mother ever existed.

He's hopefully still in pain from getting his chip removed. I'm sad that we didn't get to see THAT part. On a world as remote as Tatooine, you can bet that they're not going to waste anaesthetic on slaves.

He also ditches C-3P0 and is pretty much a total asshole about it, not being sad at all about stranding his "robot buddy" on Tatooine.

Good point. "You guys are irrelevant til the sequel. Bye."


*Reason #51
Darth Maul's Motorcycle
Make no mistake about it, Darth Maul drives a freakin' motorcycle! What's even better than that is that the first time he is seen by the Jedi is in a failed attempt to run Anakin over. Bellissimo!

Apart from the obvious "Shit, we've gone six minutes with no marketable toy potential! Give Darth Maul a cool vehicle of some kind!" reason for the motorcycle, I see this as more evidence of Lucas' fast-encroaching senility. Just a few minutes after the hot rod race, our big bad guy, a motorcycle punk with tattoos, shows up. It's obvious that George is no longer in our world and that his mind is somewhere in the idyllic 1950s that never were. In his world, Coca-Colas are still 5 cents, families are gathering around the Philco to watch Uncle Milty, Senator McCarthy's gonna give those Commies the business, and "Attack of the Clones" would make a great movie title.



Reason #52
"It."
After Qui-Gon's first run-in with Darth Maul Obi-Wan ask, "What was it?" Qui-Gon replies, "I think it was after the Queen." It? Darth Maul is clearly a man. I think that if the two Jedi struggled enough they could find a more appropriate pronoun to describe the Sith Lord. Sith Lords are people too! Jeers to the Jedi for this blatant disregard for political correctness.

Actually, in the cosmopolitan Star Wars galaxy, political correctness would work the opposite way. It was something in a hooded robe with a light saber. Could've been a really short wookie or anything else. Passing judgement and labeling it as human would be against the Jedi Code.



Reason #53
Kiddie Porn
On the trip to Coruscant there is a really uncomfortable scene between Padme (who is supposed to be 14 but is quite clearly more like 20) and Anakin (10). This may be a bit of karma for Natalie Portman's role in Beautiful Girls.

No arguement here, except this karmic repayment goes clear back to "Leon." Think about it: She's a 13-year old, coming on to a 40-year old man, five years later, she's got a 10-year old coming on to her. Reap what you sow, man. Reap what you sow.


Reason #54
Yarael Poof

Ok, I didn't know this character's name til you pointed it out. Now that I know it, I'm too busy laughing to argue about it. It's a damned good thing that Jedi are taken from their parents and sequestered to study the Jedi Code at an early age. Whatever this guy's race, a childhood in normal society spent with a name that can easily be mispronounced as "You Real Poof" and a talent for The Force would have produced a Sith Lord more effectively than playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City while listening to backwards Black Sabbath.

Reason #55
Yoda
With Yoda they used the same puppet that was used twenty years before. They also got the same puppeteer and voice actor to do his voice and movements. On top of this Yoda's lines were written by the same man. So why does he suck so much? The whole time Yoda is on screen it's like listening to someone do a bad Yoda impression! The grammar is messed up in all the wrong places and the puppet doesn't look nearly as good as it did in 1979.

All right, this is going to come up elsewhere, especially when we get to the next film. I've got no defense for bad puppetry, but the bad grammer bit, I can readily identify, having a father for whom English is a second language, yet he's been speaking it fluently for 60 years. The whole bit with the cane and the bad grammer is an act to disarm one's opponents. Make them think "I have nothing to fear from cute, lovable, furry old Grover here," then whip up with the little lightdagger. (Star Wars fanboy note here: I've heard that Frank Oz hates it when people ask if Yoda was SUPPOSED to sound like Grover.)



Reason #56
Prophecy of the One Who Will Bring Balance to the Force

Complete agreement here. What happened to "Difficult to say. Always in motion, is the future?"



Reason #57
The Senate

I don't think the Senate's flying bumper car things were that bad, but it would have been a nice point to throw in some more of that diversity that Lucas claimed to like when he wore a younger man's clothes. All these aliens, there've got to be some that breathe water or methane, they should have enclosed tanks on their bumper cars, and what about species that can fly on their own? Also, what the hell is the Trade Federation doing with a seat in the Senate? They're a special interest group, they should have lobbyists like any other evil corporation, not their own Senator. (Yes, I know, most special interest groups DO have their own Senator, but you know what I mean.)



Reason #58
No Confidence

Here, we've gotten into the devious political machinations of Palpatine. Putting forth the motion isn't enough to force a retirement, but it's enough to force a vote to force a retirement. But it's an extremely risky political move, especially if it gets voted down, so Palpatine needed someone without sin to cast the first stone. Enter Princess Poutsalot.



Reason #59
E. freakin' T.

This was probably another idea cooked up during one of Lucas and Spielberg's tent-outs in the back yard of the Skywalker Ranch. Spielberg's been throwing nods to Lucas for years (The hieroglyphs of R2D2 and C3P0 in Raiders, the Club Obi-Wan in Temple of Doom.) and Lucas was probably just waiting for an opportunity to slip something in.

By the way, I was going for a "they're little kids" metaphor there, but I realize after writing it that there's a "they're lovers" bent that one can take that statement with. Cigar's just a cigar in this case.



Reason #60
"Yousa thinken yousa people gonna die?"

Thus far, apart from the occasional stepping in poodoo, Tickle-Me-Jar-Jar hasn't given Amidala any real reason to hate him, so it's needed here. Welcome to the Universal Oneness of Hating Jar Jar, your highness.