[Chefelf]

So what do yall think? Should I leave her alone and wait and see what the future holds? Should I keep the faith? Should I go away and give up? I'm so lost.

Definitely leave her alone, give her her space. See what the future holds.

Of course you hurt. You are human (I assume). I'd be worried if you didn't hurt. Trust me, it will hurt less in time.

[Laura]

It sounds like she's being pretty up front with you now, and there is nothing to be gained from "keeping the faith". This is as good a time as any to let it sink in and deal with the break-up-- if you don't do it now, you'll only have to do it later.

It is tough when you've been planning to a trip together. One of the hardest things during a break-up is realizing all the plans you've made that are now moot. You can still go on the trip if you want, but if you were planning on doing all "couple" things, it will probably just make you sad. Perhaps there is some way to turn the trip into a consolation prize for yourself, like spending the money you had set aside for it on something you've been wanting. It's not the same, but "new stereo instead of vacation" is better than "same old daily grind instead of vacation."

[barend]

yeah, forget that trip... it'll mess you up and will be uncomfortable for all involved.

use the money to build up your DVD colection.

[Chyld]

Well, at least she isn't making you jump through hoops to get a response anymore.

Don't dwell on it if you can. Its going to really, really hurt for a while, but carry on normally and it'll eventually go away.

Might not work for you, but on the same day I last got dumped, I went out and got stoned with the lads. Didn't help hugely afterwards, but the preperation distracted me.

And my ultimate philosophy on the matter (not one that helps me, but one that stops me going mental) is that something will turn up eventually, and what will be will be. That's probably the least helpful thing I've said right now, but it might be useful to bear in mind...

[mrtimp]

i say whatever you do dont push the envelope with her, let things simmer for a bit, if it was meant to happen for you guys it will, and everyone has felt the way you do right now, it isnt fun and its gonna sting for awhile but you will get through it, good luck =)

[Storm Shadow]

hey guys. Its me again. I made this thread a year ago (Jesus....time flies), and here's what happened.

We started talking again after a couple of months. She calls me one day out of the blue, tells me she misses me, and we see each other. Things heat up and after some talking we got back together. Everything was fine and dandy until Febuary of this year. She did the same thing she did last year again i.e. ignoring me, talking to other guys late at night, etc. So I told her I cant do this again, and she said she didnt want to be with me anymore, so we broke it off. I went through a depression period, drank heavily for a month, but eventually I got my balls back and carried on with life. I decided to change things around, so I moved into a brand new condo and changed my cell # just to get completely away from her. So March, April, May, all pass....beginning of June, I get a call on my cell phone at 8am on a Sunday morning. I didnt recognize the # so I picked it up. It was her. I hang up immediately. 2 hours later, she calls back. Crying so hard I almost felt like crying myself. I feel like I'm going through an episode of deja vu. I told her that. I told her how many times have we been down this road? What do you want from me baby? She is crying so hard she cant even speak. She was almost choking on her tears. She tells me she is so sorry for everything, blah blah the usual. So after some conversation, I tell her that it's been so long since we last spoke, I'm not going to take her back, but I will be her friend to see how things go.

So we meet up later that week, and as soon as she sees me she runs into my arms and doesnt let me go for a good 2 or 3 minutes. We end up driving into a parking lot and talk for a good while. First thing I wanted to know, was if she slept with anyone. She looked me in the eye, held my hand, and said no Mike I promise to you and God I didnt sleep with anyone. So after we got that out of the way, it seemed like she had learned her lesson. We end the "date" on a good note and I drop her off home, feeling good. A couple months pass, and things are still going good. Until 2 months ago. She started doing it again. I couldnt believe it. I was calling her, and for 2 days no answer. So I went up to her house to see if she was home and she saw me drive by. She calls me a stalker, I tell her she hasnt been picking up her phone and she calls me crazy. After this strange episode, nothing was ever the same. It got to a point where it went from her calling me everyday to getting a call a week if I was lucky. We barely saw each other, she never wanted to even hug me, it was just terrible. Finally, she just admitted to me that she isnt ready to be in a relationship and she wants to be single, adding "if I do want to be in a relationship it will be with you". So I told her to not call me again until she's ready to be serious with me. That was earlier this month.

And here we are. Broken up again. Call me a fool. I'm not really seeking advice. I just wanted to tell you all......you were right. Tell your sister, you were right about me.

[Icey]

She deserves a swift kick in the ovaries. Tip, next time she starts calling you, call HER a stalker, call the cops, make her feel like total shit so she can get how much a bitch she is.

This post has been edited by Icey: 22 October 2005 - 08:21 PM

[Slade]

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Fool me five or six times...?

Seriously, that sucks, but you'll keep being stuck until you tell her off for good.

This post has been edited by Slade: 22 October 2005 - 09:58 PM

[civilian_number_two]

Here's the pattern: Girl dates sad sack who's a soft touch, easy to keep on the back burner. He's a nice guy, treats her right, makes her feel good. This is boring, because she's an idiot who likes "bad" boys. She dumps the soft touch for a bad boy, but only after sneaking around on him for a while. She dates one or two bad boys, and when one of them really fucks her over - and yeah, they slept together - she comes back crying to the sad sack. Sad sack takes her back. Repeat.

One way to break the pattern is to beat the living shit out of her. Then she will send you to jail and you will be murdered in the shower for giving lousy head. Then she will get on with her life, ie get a new sad sack and/or fat and ugly.

The other way to break the pattern is to read Slade's very fine advice about how many times a guy ought to be fooled before he admits he is a fool. I personally think you should change your fucking phone number. Keeping the same number, email address, etc, is all really just you passively inviting her back while all the while secretly wishing she would call. What's with driving by her house to see if she's home when she doesn't answer her phone? 50/50 chance she simply didn't feel up to another codependent cryfest, or she had a guy over. Get over it already.

[Storm Shadow]

Yes, I'm the dumbest fucking homosapien to ever walk the planet. I dont expect sympathy. I expect to be put down. I deserve it. Hey, you live and you learn. It took me awhile, but I think I've learned. You're right Civilian. I didnt want to see it before, but now that I've actually had a chance to sit down and take a look at how she was over the course of the past 3 or 4 months...I'm positive she slept with someone, despite what she may say. I actually did change my number, but she called my moms house and asked her for it, and my mother gave it to her. I often wonder how things might have been if my mother had told her to fuck off. Honestly, I was getting along very well without her in my life. I was learning how to live without her, then, on cue, she pops up out of nowhere. But in my defense, I never called her, never begged her back, none of that. I accepted that it was over and left her alone. She came back to ME, so I looked at it like....ok, she learned her lesson. She understands I'm good for her now. Now we can get on with our lives and be happy. I see now that I was living in my own world. A love utopia that existed only in my mind. She saw/sees me as a crutch for when times get rough. And its not fair. So tonight I got my last cries out. Then I gathered all our pictures up, all the cards, everything, and burned them in my backyard. Obviously I cant move because I just got all my stuff in here and I love my condo. But I did change my number just a few moments ago. And I deleted my old email account. And I told my mother if by some strange chance she ever calls for me again, tell her I've moved and dont tell me she called.

so. I invite you all to either roast me or give me some words of encouragement. Or both. Either way...thanks.

[civilian_number_two]

I like the request to have your mom not tell you she called, because I know what happens when you get a reminder of someone you're trying to avoid. It makes you feel crappy and anxious for a while. I am not as big a fan of asking your mom to lie for you. It's be easier for your mom just to say "He asked me not to give you that number." First, it would be true (she could verify that the "moved" story was a lie with a drive-by), and second, she'd pretty much hang up immediateky and not get into questioning your mother unnecessarily. Part of why all this works for her is that you want to be a big man and spare her reputation. So you haven't told people, or a lot of people anyway, how things are going and how she's behaving. I'm not saying you should start badmouthing her, but if you had, you'd be embarrassed to take her back. It might be cathartic, like telling your friends you're quitting smoking. Now that you've said it, you can't ever let them see you smoking, for fear of looking like a failure.

Anyway, didn't mean to roast you. I also don't want to dwell on who was right and who slept around on whom. Just answering your call to be called out for foolish behaviour. I appreciate the attraction of ex-sex, but it sounds like this is too expensive. Like you say, live and learn.

PS: Resist the temptation to go for the hate-fuck. I have heard no good reports on this as a form of therapy.

This post has been edited by civilian_number_two: 23 October 2005 - 10:52 AM

[Zatoichi]

Civ's got it spot on in his first paragraph. That is the kind of relationship that could drive you off the edge. The next time she somehow gets info on you, tell her that you are seeing someone else (wherether or not this is true, but I do suggest making it true). If the girl still presses on, you may want to resort to a very small amount of physical violence (with witnesses preferably). By this, I mean a hard slap across the face. Show her that you will no longer be used by her, and will stand your ground. You may even want to resort to getting a restraining order.

[civilian_number_two]

I would like to suggest that my learned friend Zatoichi is wrong vis: the "resort to physical violence, preferably with witnesses" route. This is in fact the only way that this can go really really badly for you. Such an act would render concrete any lies she may already have told her friends, family, or the police about your capacity for harm. Such a thing can't be justified in court, unless she hit you first, and you'll have a tough time even then. You should not ever do this. Remember, at the arraignment, they will ask "guilty or not guilty?" There is no option to say "I did it, but here's why."

If you decide to resort to physical violence, have no witnesses, and make sure you have the hole already dug.

The suggestion of the restraining order is interesting, but it will be hard to get one based on what's already transpired. So far she's only made it into your life by request followed by consent. You'd probably need to ahow a lot of interference before you could get one, and believe me, when you bring your fact pattern to the court they're going to hear stories about you running late-night drive-bys. They may even decide to pull phone records, whereupon they'll see you called her as well. You'll need to be ready to blush and look like an asshole or deny deny deny.

Anyway, sounds like you've learned your lesson and are ready to move on. No sense dwelling on the negative. Even if she disappears for a while after trying to paint you as the bad guy, you'll prpobably hear from her again. If you're lucky, it'll be in the context of a genuine apology. I say if so, accept it and refuse to "remain friends." Forgive but don't forget.