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I originally wrote this 2005/nov/27, but decided if I sent it I would be a fan boy.
But after meeting TheForce.Net Wikipedia Cabal yesterday, I no longer have that fear.
"I stared into the abyss, and I saw fan boys staring back at me.
So I looked for rocks to throw in there at them."
So now, I offer you and the Denizens of Night Life, my own "Return of the Sith Qoran of Qibbles:
cheers
Toru-chan
---
Revenge of the Sith is a better film than 1 and 2, and was good enough in parts
to overlook it's faults. If I was 12 years old, I would have liked this.
Much older than 12 years, I don't mind it, but I'd only recommend it to
other ex-fans who need closure.
My wife enjoyed TESB, slept through Star Wars, and slept through the
second half of ROTJ, after which she refused to watch any more Star Wars.
Fair enough. You couldn't expect anyone but a fanboy to sit through this.
She *did* sit through 9 hours of Lord of the Rings though. Lucas; take note!
(All New content has stars).
Reason #2 - Opening Battle (**)
And a dumb battle. Grevious supposedly snatches Palpatine,
then hangs around with his fleet while the Republic forces
rip him to shreds. Aren't they supposed to fly off and
go to Hyperspace or something?
If you're going to kidnap someone, it's a good idea
to remove them from the place you kidnapped them.
Otherwise it isn't really kidnapping.
It's just annoying them. Grevious might as well have
camped out in Palpatine's Office and heckled him.
Reason #9 - General Grievous ()
"Leaking Biros scare me more"
Since Darth Vader, Lucas hasn't come up with any decent villians.
Nute Gunray isn't scary or even unlikable. He's just a nothing.
And General Grievous isn't scary, or doesn't even do anything
to earn my dislike. He's also a nothing.
The original Stormtroopers were scary. The Roger-Roger Droids aren't.
{2007/1/26: Watch The "Web Documentaries" on the second ROTS DVD.
You get some insight into how the Greivous character came about.
Lucas said he was trying to have a villain that wasn't anything
like Darth Vader. The SFX guys babble about how much fun he was
to animate and ooh! look at the cloth animators, and forget the
fact he's just a crap character: A Mean Jar Jar with a corny Italian accent.}
Reason #16 - "Another Happy Landing." (**)
On the way down, Obi-won says "We're only flying half a spaceship."
Unfortunately the ship is ripped in two, and your part had no engines.
_Starship Troopers_ did this properly.
Reason #28 - Wookiee Relations ()
When the Jedi Council raises this, Obi-won freaks out about
how the Wookie planet is one system "we can't afford to lose."
Why, Obi-won, are some citizens of the republic more important
than others? Actually he means, "George wants to show Chewbaccas!"
{2007/1/26: Again the ROTS DVD #2 "Web Documentaries" shows the
fanboys were running the ship. It has a feature called
"The Wookies are Back!" with a picture of happy, shakin' wookies,
My reaction: So the frig what?
Actually I love these "Web Documentaries", because it makes it
harder for George to change his mind and deny he ever did it later.}
Reason #30 - The Prophecy ()
Too many Prophecy's as plot devices. I really hope film makers give this
(and the Death Star and Keneau) a break.
Reason #39 - The Clones ()
Has Temuera "Once was in good movies" Morrison redubbed all the Stormtroopers
in the Special Editions yet? In his Kiwi Accent, "Dark Lord of the Sith Lord"
would become "Duck Lud uf thuh Suth". Imagine the comic potential as Jar Jar
struggles to understand him. Add a subplot about Jar Jar meeting them everywhere
but not realizing they are clones, and this could be the funniest thing since
"The Star Wars Holiday TV Special".
Reason #44 - The Death of General Grievous (**)
Grievous says that Dooku had taught him how to use the force, and pulls
out the four light sabers. How can a machine use the ways of the force?
(Maybe in a sequel we can have R2 and C3PO can become Droid Jedis!)
Ahhh! Does the beating humanoid heart we finally see inside him mean he's
only half-droid? (but the opening said Droid Leader... Make up your mind!)
Even so, how many Midi-chloridians can you fit inside that little thing,
and General Grievous being force sensitive. What are the odds of that?
Did he collect enough Jedi holotokens playing _Star Wars Galaxies_?
If he was trained by Dooku, does that mean we had three Sith's for a while?
No wonder Palpatine got Anakin to downsize Dooku at the beginning,
and why he recruited Anakin right after learning Grievous was dead!
If nothing else, the Sith have great funny faces *and* great timing!
Reason #46 - Palpatine's Silly Lightsaber Faces ()
Obviously this is meant to show Palpatine using the Dark Side of the Force.
Which is funny, because it means when Darth Vader is fighting behind that
mask he's pulling all the same faces. If he took off the Mask during the
sword fight in New Hope it would have cracked Obi-Won up.
It also explains why the Emperor doesn't surround himself by
miniskirted babes with beehives, as is the custom of evil geniuses.
Alone with a Light Sabre, Palpatine needs no help.
{2007/1/26: Think he's a good actor all the same.}
(Continued...)
(...Continued)
Reason #60 - "Goodbye Chewbacca" (***)
This was dumb. Chewbacca is a friend of Yoda and 20 years later just
happens to bump into Yoda's buddy Obi-won in a Mos Eisely Cantina,
and doesn't say anything when Obi-wan whips out a Light Sabre?
Wookies must be really dumb.
BTW the Wookie battles are very unconvincing. The CGI is overdone.
Funny, but it actually looks more fake than the old trilogy model work.
Reason #64 - Volcano Planet ()
A nitpicker would ask where the oxygen came from and why it hasn't
all been burnt up. Guess Lucas was too busy making student films
to attend Biology or Chemistry Classes.
And yeah. If you even stand that close to Lava, you'll get burns.
Aaah! They must be using the force.
Reason #66 - "For the clones to discover the recalibration, a long time it will take." (***)
After this you miss something. They still don't know who cut down the Younglings.
Obi-won decides to look at the security footage because "I must know."
Yoda warns him off because he'll "find pain if he looks."
Gee Yoda. Don't you want to know too?
After fifteen seconds of watching (somehow managing to know what they wanted
and auto-ffwd the boring bits), Obi-won says "I can't watch any more."
Yoda should have said "But you only watched fifteen seconds." I wish the Jedi
would give each other sh1t more often. Then maybe they wouldn't all be so stupid.
The playback ending with the Emperor saying to Anakin on camera "Job well done,
evil new apprentice" reminds me of that Episode of the Simpsons where Skinner catches
Bart with plans and notarized photos of him making the "Skinner's Butt Weather balloon."
Maybe Anakin should have accidentally left behind his "Sith Membership Card"
and the Emperor a notarized hologram. Oh wait... He *DID*!
Reason #69 - "Only a Sith Deals in Absolutes" ()
Yeah. It was political, but with 32,000 dead I don't fault
Lucas for having the balls to make a statement at a time
so many are scared to be out-of-step with the war-crazed mob.
This line is too obvious, but the "Thunderous Applause" works.
:politics on.
I would have liked a George W. lookalike playing Darth Sidius:
"Now, yer see here. Mishun Accomplished. Rebel Alliance Dead n' All.",
"The Rebel Alliance on Hoth? Then let's let us set course for Tharazar!"
"General Shinseki, Prepare your men! But only a quarter of what you'll need."
"Darth an' I now think doesn't matter if that Skywalker Dead or Alive."
{2007/1/26: Ok. Everyone disagrees now, and that number still goes up and up.}
:politics off.
Reason #72 - Yoda's Exile... Why? (*)
The Jedi are supposed to be in part inspired by Samurai. Tom Cruise's _Last Samurai_
nicely shows the "Better an honourable death than to live a coward" philosophy.
Even if Yoda doesn't believe that, what happened to "if you don't succeed try, try again"
or even "do or do not. There is no try." I don't know if Yoda has a tail, but if he does
he just turned it and ran. What a coward.
Evidently he didn't even believe his own "do not mourn the dead" crap he laid on Anakin.
(Heck, if that's true, the Death Star is actually a good thing.
They should have called it "The Soul Liberator" or something and have
a CGI Leia in Episode IV clap in rapture as Alderaan is blown up.)
Instead Yoda mumbles something about "go into hiding until the time is right."
So, let the people of the Republic suffer for 20 years until "the time is right."
How about now? (Good to see later when the Empire finally starts blowing up Planets,
me finally gets off his little Green ass. Well at least Obi-won gets off his,
while Yoda squats in the mud and eats slugs and leeches.)
Yoda is supposed to be brave and wise, so why does he act like a fool/coward?
Characters are defined by their actions. If you hadn't already seen SW 5/6 you'd think
Yoda is a pompous fool. Mace Windu didn't have that luxury, so he merely is a pompous fool
(albeit with a good grimace).
Add it to the "Only a Sith Deals in Absolutes" line, and now I understand:
Yoda is a Democrat! The Emperor is a Republican! Next thing, Yoda will
be shooting ducks to show how macho he is (aka Kerry),
Or caged ones (aka Darth Cheney).
{2007/1/26: ROTS DVD Director's Commentary: I got throughly sick of their SFX guy
blabbing on about the CGI. He was rabbiting on about how the new skin shaders
let them get extreme close ups of Yoda, and look how he looks over his shoulder
and blinks there. They showed the emperor followed by crispy-Darth's-hoverstretcher,
and started babbling about how amazed they were at how much they could render with CGI.
Render everything, that is, except a plot.
Too much emphasis on CGI at the expense of all else.}
Reason #77 - "She has lost the will to live..." (***)
The Medical Droid says "We can't explain it." Then "She has lost the will to live."
Dude, you just explained it. Droids sure are dumb.
Reason #81 - Asthmatic Cyborgs (**)
If Anakin's lungs were fried I could understand the breathing apparatus,
but after the immolation he doesn't have to fight for breathe and on
the operating table lets out a good, throaty scream.
{2007/1/26: ROTS DVD Director's Commentary. More "Yes George" Fan Boys at work.
Lucas says, indeed, he wanted Darth Vader to be like "Frankenstein's Monster."
Yes, he actually says that. Hayden was doing exactly what he told.
None of the Fan Boys had the brains or backbone to tell him the idea didn't work.
They said on the day they had abput 200 people on the soundstage all in awe.}
Reason #87 - Yoda's Training & Jedi Apparitions (***)
A good film editor knows what to cut. The "Qui-Gong says Hello" scene just
shouldn't be there. Lucas is trying to say "Obi-wan won't be bored."
But so what? The film is ending with the Jedi order killed and the Empire
firing up, which is a dark ending, so why reassure us he won't be bored?
Does Tatootine not have Cable yet?
It's like Obi-won saying "Damn! I wish I had time to pick up a Microwave Oven
before I went into Exile." And Yoda saying "Luckily on sale they are at near
the Launch Pad that Department Store you will be leaving by." Snip snip snip.
There's an old saying an author should never show their characters making coffee.
This is making coffee.
Or maybe Lucas is saying he keeps training. But we see no evidence
of his use of the force having improved in SW 4/5/6;
For all those years Obi-won is no better or worse.
It's a dumb scene that goes nowhere and serves no purpose.
This is why Directors aren't allowed to edit their own films.
Lucas isn't credited as an editor {2007/1/26: Really!?}, but I see his hand.
(Continued...)
(...Continued)
{2007/1/26: ROTS DVD Dropped Scenes. There was a scene with Yoda landing on Dagobah.
Lucas explained it was a loose-thread that wasn't necessary to the story, and dropped it.
Good call, but then he left all the other all loose-threads intact.
Too much of this movie was implausible introductions/where-were-they-thens.
He stopped trying to tell a story, and it became nothing more than a Fan Boy checklist.}
Reason #90 - Moff Tarkin (***)
I didn't mind seeing Young Moff Tarkin either, but I thought the idea of the original
Star Wars was that Moff Tarkin, Governor of the Outlying Regions, got the idea to
build it off his own bat. Why would the Emperor give him the plans, presumably
the cash to build it, then let Moff Tarkin fly around the galaxy blowing up planets
without the Emperor along for the ride? What if he decided to stop by Coruscant
when the Emperor was napping? That sounds kind of dangerous.
But it does explain the Mad part about the Emperor's Mad Cackling.
Reason #91 - The Death Star ()
Yeah. 20 years to build the first one. Maybe twelve months to build the second.
Maybe they had to solve some tough engineering problems, and once that was done
the second one was easy? Placing exhaust ports is apparently a real bitch.
But you've already noticed this too.
{2007/1/26: ROTS DVD Director's Commentary: Lucas says the 20 years is a stretch,
but jokes they had labour and supply problems. Fortunately when he said this
there wasn't a Fan Boy in ear reach to give him a ready-made list of fifty reasons
why the delay was perfectly plausible.}
Reason #92 - Giving Away Luke ()
Hide the Girl with Bail Organna, okay. But the Boy with his relatives on Tatooine,
and give him Anakin's Surname? Good thing the Emperor lied about how Padme died,
because it let Obi-won be sloppy for once and get away with it. Good thing they
haven't invented Google, otherwise one bored night Darth might type "Skywalker"
into Google and be surprised at what comes up.
Obi-won looks 30 when he gives Luke to Beru. When we see him in Star Wars, he looks 65.
Maybe making the Death Star (which Yoda seemed to be waiting for) ran over schedule?
Reason #XX - Bespin (**)
Not only didn't we see young Lando or Han, but we didn't see Bespin.
But the Scene where Yoda jumped into Lando's sorry... Bail's hovering
spacecraft did bring back fond memories of Bespin. Good thing Bail
knew which ventillation port (which always open down) to hover under
when Yoda lost his battle with the Emperor. Hey! Does that mean
Yoda deliberately threw the fight? What a coward!
{2007/1/26: I agree with you about Jimmy Smits.
Every time I see him, I go "Hey! Wow! It's Jimmy Smits!!!"}
The good news: One day, when Lucas himself merges with the force,
these, and the many other mistakes will be cleaned up by his daughters
(and their cameos CG babeified) in an Extra Extra Special Edition.
I can already hear the fan boys opening their wallets.
But I'll put money on him re-releasing recut versions before then anyway.
Artists have a saying: "It takes two people to paint a painting.
One to paint it, and another to tell the first one when to stop."
I think Lucas fell into same trap as the Matrix Brothers;
Becoming Self-indulgent and assuming they were so great the fans
would follow them wherever they wanted to go. Surrounded by
Fan-boys and Yes-men, there was no one to say "Hey, Hang on..."
So they slipped into crap stories and too much SFX/CGI (even for me!)
Lucas's obstinacy over how great a character Jar-Jar Binks was
is testament to this.
Regardless, you don't think Lucas will stop now, do you?
He's having fun, and fanboys still have dollars in their wallet
and even if he released a 2 hour and 15 minute film of flies on a
camel turd and called it "Bantha Crap", Fanboys would line up to see it.
Actually this just gave me an idea...! :-)
PS. If I hear one more person who has never met him refer to him as "George", I am gungan puke.
This post has been edited by Toru-chan: 27 January 2007 - 06:07 AM
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