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Time keeps slipping by, and Bob Dylan's voice just keeps getting worse and worse. It's hard to imagine it getting any worse than it was on his 80s output, but somehow he managed to pull it off. I can't deny the fact that the man is an incredible songwriter, but he should really find other people to sing his stuff. The whole "distinctive voice" thing is just a really nice way of saying "What the fuck is wrong with that man's throat?"
Rage Against The Machine
What, this is a hard one? Give me a break. Seriously. This band was carried by controversial lyrics and weird guitar noises. Zach De La Rocha can not rap. At all. And even though his lyrics can be described as "controversial", they barely qualify as "acceptable". Dumbed-down politics for dumbed-down America. Now, granted, Brad Wilk is a solid drummer, but he's capable of so much more than he ever puts forth on any album he's appeared on. His sense of rhythm is spot-on, but he gets stuck playing repetitive beats that mimic the most simplistic of hip hop tracks. And then there's that Tim Commerford guy (I think I spelled his name wrong, but whatever, correct me if you wish). As a bass player, I guess he gets the job done, but why does he act like such an asshole? As horrendous as Limp Bizkit is, was there really any reason to cause a public spectacle and try to embarass them while they were accepting an MTV award? So yeah. Nothing about Rage Against The Machine was even remotely noteworthy. Although they did manage to turn Che Guevara's image into a marketable logo, so I guess we can owe them for that.
Audioslave
Rage Against The Machine sucked. Soundgarden was good for a while, and then sucked. Chris Cornell put out a solo album, and it sucked. So I guess it seemed natural for these idiots to get together and form a band. The thing that bothers me most about Audioslave is that they took the only remotely interesting part of Rage Against The Machine (Tom Morello's guitar work) and dumbed it down to repetitive, uninteresting nonsense. Long gone are the mind-melting solos, replaced with cock rock posturing and rock star clichees. I guess experimenting and trying to coax new sounds out of your instrument takes a back seat when the big money comes along.
Thursday
Okay, I like Thursday at times. There's sometimes some decent lyrics there, and the musicianship is pretty phenomenal when they try. However, it's that guy's voice. Good lord, what is with his voice? He sounds like a retard screaming into a megaphone. I know the whole emo/post-hardcore scene is built around guys who can't sing, but at least they can scream. This guy's scream is just a slightly distorted version of his "singing" voice. Bob Dylan, meet your next rival.
Madonna
What can't you say about Madonna? She's done it all. And the only real reason she maintains any scrap of popularity is because she adapts herself to the times so cleanly. She didn't go all A/C on us and start working with ten billion piece orchestras or anything. Instead, she decided to rape underground electronic music scenes for all they're worth. She annoys me to no end, but hey, what can I say? I applaud her for her longevity.
Men Without Hats
Men Without Hats had one good song. And no, it isn't that fucking "Safety Dance" one. It's "Pop Goes The World". This is quite possibly one of the best new wave tracks Canada ever produced, and I do enjoy it. Outside of that, name five more songs by Men Without Hats without looking them up.
I can wait.
Yeah, that's kind of what I figured. They had no longevity, because they were one of a million useless one-hit-wonder new wave acts that gave almost no reason to take any interest in their music.
The Living End
I remember liking them a lot in my "OMG Teh PUNXORZ" phase in high school (picture me with liberty spikes, an Operation Ivy shirt and a chain around my neck with a lock on it...yeah I was a retard once), and then suddenly getting sick of them for just repeating themselves constantly. That's pretty much the way I felt about all punk bands at the time. Very few have managed to hold my interest since then (most of which fall into the psychobilly scene), and the Living End aren't one of them. They're not particularly horrible, I guess, but they certainly aren't worth my time.
David Bowie
David Bowie's career is so up-and-down and hard to read that it's impossible to say whether or not I even like the guy that much. I mean sure, he did some amazing music in the 70s, but since the 80s he's just churned out album after album of complete shit. So let's just say classic Bowie = Good! And new wave/electronica/90s alt-pop Bowie = shit. Although the collaboration with Trent Reznor had its moments, I suppose.
From Autumn To Ashes
Ugh. So it begins. "Hey Heccubus, emo is hilarious, let's pick on some emo bands". You know what, bands like From Autumn To Ashes do a pretty good job of making fun of themselves. I have two albums from these guys and they both tread the same territory over and over again. Some really angry dude who's royally pissed about breaking up with someone. Therein lies the continuing theme in most of these bands' catalogues. They aren't really worth bothering with anymore.
Hawthorne Heights
Well, they're on Victory Records. So that pretty much means there's a 90% chance that they suck out loud. I have heard one song of theirs, and at first I thought it was another band. And then another one, and another, and then by the time I got done trying to figure out which of this horde of same-y, uninteresting bands it was, I was told that it was Hawthorne Heights.
Mr. Big
You mean the hair metal band? Like my past ridicule of hair bands hasn't been enough for you that you want to throw another one my way? Well that's dandy. I'm just going to move right along, rather than telling you about how this miserable, one-hit-wonder mess of a sad little hair metal band isn't worth torturing my senses with.
Apocalyptica
People used to just care about them because they played cellos and covered Metallica. Then people cared about them because they collaborated with that guy from HIM. Neither one of those things is any reason for me to give a rat's ass about Apocalyptica.
Rammstein
And I quote my website:
QUOTE
Okay, what the fuck? Seriously. What is wrong with you guys? You basically only have two songs. There's the really heavy intense industrial metal song where the music breaks down every ten seconds so your "singer" can growl something in German, and then the not-so-heavy industrial metal song where the music breaks down every ten seconds so your "singer" can growl something in German. We get it. You're crazy and German and out to offend people by making your band out to be Nazis. We all know how you set out to put on grotesquely bloated live shows that utilize enormous amounts of pyrotechnics. My assumption is that you do this to distract the crowd from the fact that you have absolutely no musical ability whatsoever.
The end.
Brother Rat
Oh this is cute. Tell you what, if I'm going to sit here and criticize my own music, then why the hell am I making it to begin with? I'm in full belief of the fact that I am good at what I do, and I have no reason to believe otherwise. If I thought that my music was horrible, and I wanted to sit here and pick it apart and make fun of it, it would be pretty stupid for me to keep doing it, no? The reason I make music is because I like it, and I think I'm good at what I choose to do with it. End of story.
Mike & The Mechanics
I will now quote the Music Geek from TV's Beat The Geeks:
QUOTE
Your challenge to me is like a new Mike & The Mechanics record. Who cares?
AC/DC
Won't these juvenile clowns just get the picture and go the fuck away already? I've had enough of that grating, irritating voice, the repetitive guitar work (let's face it, Angus Young hasn't written a new riff since the mid 80s) and the complete lack of any real noteworthy role the rest of the band plays. If they broke up tomorrow, I think I'd be the only person who didn't care, but then my reaction is all I'd really worry about.
Moby
People started liking Moby when he put out one of the most boring, bland, and uninteresting electronica albums ever produced. Then he did the exact same thing again, only he tried singing more. No one wants to tell Moby that he's a mediocre musician, and that he can't sing, so I guess we can expect "Play mk. III" sometime soon.
James Blunt
Anyone know a song by him other than that "You're Beautiful" thing? Probably not, unless you were stupid enough to buy this guy's album. I don't get how the artists who are getting popular these days are making the same music my fucking mom listens to. This is guaranteed AM radio material in 20 years, kids. When you're getting up there, your kids will make fun of you for listening to this shit.
MultiQuote
I was expecting something funny, but this was really hilarious.
