[floppydisk]

That's a great E-mail JM! I'm going to include something like that in my next chapter. And I am not doing barend's makeup. He can do it himself.

[Voodoo Dog]

Dammit, I thought you were joking when you said you were submitting this in your name. Don't worry man, I trust you. I don't expect you to go running off into the night with the royalties screaming like a lunatic. But I would still like my name on this. Not my REAL name that is. I hate my real name. But Voodoo Dog at the top of the page would fill me with happiness. Why? To give the readers an insight into a metaphor in the story of Dave, that's why!

Dave's very existence on the planet is in the paws of the Voodoo Dog. Cos this is my universe. I made the little twat suffer for MY enjoyment. In the fictional world the story is set in, I am God. I also believe that the very act of thinking up this story caused it to happen in an alternate universe, because I believe there is a great deal of evidence that thought can shape the space-time continuum. Make of that what you will.

Although, If you change your tune now, the publishers will probably write you off as a liar and refuse to print. Alright, forget I said anything.

[barend]

i think what VD is trying to say is... we wants to gets paid

[J m HofMarN]

FD- Ah rats, I'll have to bring in a union guy.

VD and BD- Ok to make a long story short. PA is notorious for being a crappy publisher and there are problems withe their royalty system - namely that a lot of authors dont get paid what they should.

However if I do make any money out of this half of it is going to go to feed forum members. If theres enough money that I can split it up to pay everyone who contributed I'll do that as well.

As for credit I'm claiming to have written all of this when I talk to the publisher because otherwise I'd have to go through contracts with everyone who wrote something here and I dont want to do that.

However, since they don't read their submissions, I put credits inside the actual chapters. Most have their name somewhere in the title of their chapter. Other times your name will appear in the chapter itself. I used online screen names just cuz I dont need to snoop around and ask for real names.

Once this book is in print and we all get together and decide to reveal the scam you can take credit for the chapters you wrote, and we'll likely do that in a press release. Til then the whole scam deal needs to stay quiet just in case.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 27 May 2005 - 11:50 AM

[floppydisk]

Are you kidding? I never expected this book to make any money. We set out with the idea that it would be bad. But if it does take off, JM, your plan is great. Exactly what I was thinking.

[J m HofMarN]

The only real chance of making any money, like I'va said, is if PA releases us from the contract and we get a real publisher. But if there are profits I intend to share them. If not though at least its a way we'll all get our names in the papers.

[Voodoo Dog]

Cheers man. But no no no! My name is already in the story of Dave and the others will only be tarnished by the phrase "Voodoo Dog" so no editing please thank you very much.

Dark elves is coming including the second second messiah. I've just realised that every story I've written has been incredibly dark. Even Dave, which I originally meant to be a monty python skit thing, mutated into a dark tale of brainwashing and religious hysteria and a tragic love story to boot. The fuck's with that? I'll try to submit at least one completely funny story before the end. Or I'll just list the names in the local phone book. Great cast, shame about the plot.

[J m HofMarN]

Blurgh alright I'll edit out your name from the Dave story, I think that's the only one I put it into. I also had to edit the spongebob story and replace the large all caps words "fucking queer" with random terms and verbs just because they might see that if they skimmed over it. I've made a couple of editions in some of the chapters but usually just in a vain attempt to make it look as though they're related in some way.

[barend]

greedy bastards... it's all about cash with you people!!!

anyway...

the credit system of hof getting all the credit is fine... but when the cohen brothers buy my chapter to make a movie of it, hof will have to sign a sworn affidavit indicating that i am the true author of that segment... that rather fetching and dynamic chapter!!!

[J m HofMarN]

I'm going to look at the contract PA sends me just to make sure theres no further complications but I think we'll be ok. So far there are 20 chapters. Here's an index along with credits.

Chapter one: The Death of reason, the birth of preemption(me)
Chapter two: Making a pie with my mother(me)
Chapter three: A most unexpected life(me)
Chapter four: Aunt Helga's conundrum(me)
Chapter five: The ties that bind(slade)
Chapter six: Sime Sublime six
Chapter seven: Floppydisk speaks
Chapter eight: The malady of the missing monies (by Ninja Duck)
Chapter nine: The search for socks (me)
Chapter ten: The wrong briefcase(me)
Chapter eleven: How the West was won(me)
Chapter twelve: The Chuzzlewit saga(me)
Chapter thirteen: The walking of Mnesymone
Chapter fourteen: A dog for Aunt Marjpore(voodoo dog)
Chapter fifteen: Wherein I become a reader(reader)
Chapter sixteen: The aisle of wide(me)
Chapter seventeen: Feelings in flesh(me)
Chapter eighteen: The story of Dave(voodoo dog)
Chatper nineteen: Modular combat in the 21st milennium(floppy disk)
Chapter twenty: The confession(me)
Chapter twenty one: Hans Vanderblatt(barend)
Chapter twenty two: You can't stop the music(Mnesymone)

Slade is putting in another piece, but I think I'm all written out. If anyone wants to take on one final massive chapter we're going to need one that makes a piss poor attempt at bringing all this madness together and resolving whatever plot exists.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 27 May 2005 - 12:47 PM

[floppydisk]

Holy shit, man, you did a ton of stuff for this. I probably will do another one, so don't send it in yet.

Edit: Did you stick two of my short ones together, cause you only have two listed for me?

This post has been edited by floppydisk: 27 May 2005 - 01:10 PM

[Voodoo Dog]

I'll finish elves by the end of today, but I don't think it'll resolve anything. It also has elements of Poe, Tolkien and even Pratchett, but I made sure to reference them by name. It's not a ripoff kids, it's a homage! And is A dog for Aunt Marjpore the new name for Darkness of Humanity? That might actually be better, because as it stands, it doesn't really link in with elves too well. But changing "FUCKING QUEER!"? C'mon man that was the best fucking bit! No offence to gay persons intended, just offence to KKK. I sincerely hope you used terms that meant gay ala "fairy", "poof" etc. Could you quickly PM a copy of the new version please? I just want to see if it's better than mine. Which it probably will be, since it was only the second thing I've ever written and you've done novels. I'm talkin NOVELS man. I am not fit to lick the divine shit from your buttocks.

Oh yeah, and my name was already in the Dave story for your comfort and convience, as well as a blatant attempt to prove myself God, therefore compensating for my undersized penis. Unless you were talking about another reference you put in. In which case please leave it out so I don't look too egotistical.

Cheers!

[Icey]

Hmmmm... Did my chapter magically disappear like?

JM, you've really outdone yourself getting this thing off the ground! You inspire me to write myself a shitty novel of random drivel and drool just to get it published before I die. That would make it one less goal for me to achieve.

[Mnesymone]

Is "the walking of Mnesymone" a combination of the story of the Gun and Chapter Pi? Meh... anyway - FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS!

Chapter Feast Your Eyes on This.

He stood on the moor in the rain, waiting for the dawn. The wind whipped his cloak about, ocassionally lifting it high enough for a watcher to see the death-ray at his side. His second stood off as they waited for the duel to begin.
The other party came, along with the proctor to administer the duel.
"Choose your weapons!"
The white-cloaked man spoke without speaking: I have mine already. And he drew his death-ray.
The black-shirted man with a moustache and a minor key soundtrack, evidently the bad guy, turned to his second and took from him a Belargan Frost Cannon.
"Face away from each other and walk until I tell you to stop!" called the proctor.
They began walking, but the proctor fell asleep and never called them to stop and so the duel never took place.

The white-cloaked man walked onwards, his death-ray in his hand as he walked the the quiet country town of Mega Industria, and heard the sounds of daily ritual of mass-producing battlebots and android soldiers and oxidised zirconium artificial knees. Milkmen delivered milk and robot servants picked up the mail. A demure country girl, modestly dressed in hipsters, thongs and a tank top, curtseyed to the death-ray bearing duellist and invited him, in her own shy way, to rock her world booty-hard yeah.
"So, stranger, do you wanna party out here or at my place?"
He turned to face the innocent country maiden and spoke without speaking: I cannot, I am in a duel.
Ever shy, she retreated further into her shyness.
"I see, so you're a man facing death... would you liked a good luck shag?"
Again he rebuffed her, and she became even more demure and reclusive.
"Look, how bout you put down the gun, pull out the other gun and lets rock the block, ya know what I'm saying."
But he just walked on, death ray held high.

The black-clad villain walked the other way, holding his Belargian Frost Cannon. And he walked through the violent and debauched city of Marchbourn, where the hammering sounds of enormous industries of basketwork and cobbling. The production lines of enormous numbers of as many as five men churning out vast amounts of as many as three horseshoes each filled the air with an earthshaking din. A streetwalker, sign of the depravity walked past the duelling villain, her eyes proudly averted, dressing flamboyantly in a frock and one of those little cap thingies. She said nothing as she passed, which, in the city parlance, was an explicit invitation to go bump in the night.
"Hey missy, where you going? You can't lead me on like that and then just blow me off."
Dazed and confused, she kept her eyes averted and muttered quietly, her wantonness revealed in all its splendour and fury.
"You can't say you think I'm God's gift to women and then scurry down some hole."
She found her voice, and every word she said dripped with suggestion - she may as well have torn all her clothes off and screamed at him and the entire male gender and most of the female gender to take her then and there.
"I said nothing, sir." she said quietly.
"I know you said nothing, and I know what saying nothing means, and I feel we have some kind of connection, y'know, what are you afraid of me or something."
She demanded everything he had, her words oozing with barely-tamed pride, she was ready to take him herself.
"Well, sir, If its not too bold, you do have a very large gun, sir."
"What? The wedding tackle? Yes I know its impressive, and it isn't even out of the box yet... you probably know a few good places we can go and get down."
But his virtue was not to be taken, and with skilfull words he eluded her, and she stood, filled with fire and fury and rage and lust, as she looked at the ground and quickly walked off, her downturned face (probably) filled with desire.
And with a "sod this, I'm going for a drink" he holstered his Belargian Frost Cannon and decided to find a bar.

Michael tried the brownie, which was a very interesting brownie, and was temporarily in a drug-induced haze of nostalgia and euphoria and nausea.

The proctor woke up with a start... "What! where are they!?"
The good man's second spoke without speaking: They walked off, as you told them, but you never told them to stop.
The evil man's second concurred.
"Well, you two finish it then. Walk until I tell you to stop."
They walked, he called, they turned, and lifted their weapons - the good man with an Infernal Hellfire Disease Destroyer Gun and the evil man with a Sodbusting Burning Flame Machine of Death.
But, as the proctor realised, there had not been a duel or a war in ages because the weapons had become so freaking powerful. There was talk of making less powerful weapons so there could again be wars, but the talks never finished.
The Infernal Hellfire Disease Destroyer Gun launched its beam at the evil man.
The Sodbusting Burning Flame Machine of Death launched its beam at the good man.
The IHDDG beam struck the evil man, and his body was instantly devoured by a terrible plague, which was spread across the earth by the explosive force of the SBFMD explosion and everyone was forced to triumph over adversity by resisting the twin tides of flame and disease.
Few did.

And so the world of Earth 2a Mark III was destroyed.
What a pity.
It had such nice fjords.

[floppydisk]

Absolutely brilliant, MNE! Great story, it actually makes sense. Nice reference to HGTTG, too.