[Helena]

While browsing the Godawful Fan Fiction forums, I came across a discussion of the 'Glove of Darth Vader' series by Paul Davids. They're actual, published books with the Lucasfilm trademark on them, and yet the quality of the writing is... well, it has to be seen to be believed. A few quotes from the series:

Neither the passengers aboard the Millennium Falcon nor those on the Zorba Express had any way of knowing that at that very moment a large Imperial spaceship was orbiting the planet Tatooine. It was the Moffship, the official space vehicle of the Imperial grand moffs - the Imperial governors of the outer regions of space. The grand moffs were holding a secret conference - a Mofference.

Han said to Leia, "Maybe so, but Lando's offered me a lease on a piece of sky near Cloud City. I've always dreamed of having a place of my own, and I figure it's about time Chewie and I built my dream sky house."

Trioculus said, "My father, the Emperor, had many powers of the Dark Side. But without three eyes he could never achieve perfection."

Han changed the subject by putting on a chef's apron and cooking them a spicy Corellian meal on his new nanowave stove. The hot and saucy dish was a favorite back on Han's home planet. Chewie then demonstrated his newfound cooking abilities by serving up one of his zoochberry pies for dessert.

"Memorize this code, Luke," Obi-Wan continued. "Its importance shall soon become clear to you: JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE." Then he began to fade away.

If I hadn't seen the listing for one of these books on amazon.com, I'd have a hard time believing they actually existed - but apparently they do. Has anyone here ever read them?

[BinarySunset]

Hi, Helena!

Wow, that is some interesting "writing" to be sure. My first impression was that it's written for children and/or preteens.

I just looked it up online and, sure enough, I found it listed as "junior novel" on The Jedi Council Forums - Literature.

Whew!! Thank goodness, huh? It would be incredibly sad to think that kind of writing was meant for the "standard" EU novels.

[Chefelf]

I dunno, Helena, I think Paul Davids may know exactly what he's doing. Look at Dave Wolverton's The Courtship of Princess Leia. That book was HILARIOUS.

With the novels I think there are just far to many of them to be able to police them properly. Some authors take liberties and others seem to be mocking the established Star Wars universe all together. The part about the Mofference? That's brilliant! It's like he's creating a Star Wars parody and getting branded with the official Lucasfilm seal of approval at the same time. You've got to love that.

As for a worse writer than Lucas, check out the Mission Earth series by L. Ron Hubbard. It's un-friggin-believable! In all seriousness the plot and prose seem like they were dicated to a 12-year-old by a dumb 5-year-old. It is not to be believed!

[HK 47]

Frikkin speechless over here... I agree with Chef, are you sure Davids isn't a basher in disguise Helena? "Mofference"? Guess you found out where the Moffs are at huh?!

It's like the Holiday Special on steroids. No way does a "junior" sticker on a published book, any book, justify insanity like this. Was a good laugh though! Thanks for posting it

[Michel Orla]

I have to check it out next time Im at a bookstore. The Glove of Vader sounds so bad it could be good to read

Read some of the Dark Horse comics for Star Wars stories that make Lucas's writing in the PT seem brilliant. I think it's either in Star Wars:The Early Adventures 9 or 10, the Empire hires an actor to pretend to be Obi Wan to try and capture Luke. There's so many things wrong with that I don't even know where to begin

This post has been edited by Michel Orla: 25 April 2005 - 10:26 AM

[CowboyCurtis]

"Mofference!" ROTFLMAO!!!


As for a worse writer than Lucas, check out the Mission Earth series by L. Ron Hubbard. It's un-friggin-believable! In all seriousness the plot and prose seem like they were dicated to a 12-year-old by a dumb 5-year-old. It is not to be believed!

A five-year old with sexual fantasies!! Yuck, I can't believe I actually read that series---what a gawdawful waste of my life... but it was given to me by a relative, I had to read it.

[HeckHouse]

I actually have several of those books, my mother bought them for me when I was young.

I'll dig up some quotes later on.

[barend]

a Mofference? purchasing clouds?

holy fuck, if that guy can get published i should have no trouble....

[ernesttomlinson]

You read the "Mission: Earth" books? even one or two of them? You deserve a medal for bravery, Cowboy Curtis. I managed to get through Battlefield Earth and that was a long, hard slog indeed. Read Terl say "crap" every third word! Read him chew on "kerbango" and eat "goo-food"! Watch the hero, "Jonnie Goodboy Tyler", stumble across a lost tribe of Scotsmen! What's funny is that, bad as the book is, the movie is even worse and makes blunders that even Hubbard was smart enough to avoid.

[Mnesymone]

I remember those things - they were crap!

The Mofference and the Jedi Prince living inside Yavin 4... Children's Star Wars books, was probably what they were supposed to be... Still, If they had the Lucas seal of approval then Lucas must have had a look and given the A-OK so... It doesn't look to good for Lucas either.

[Helena]

I dunno, Helena, I think Paul Davids may know exactly what he's doing.  Look at Dave Wolverton's The Courtship of Princess Leia.  That book was HILARIOUS.

You may well have a point. This is one of the reasons why, with a few exceptions, I stay well away from the EU.

You think 'The Courtship of Princess Leia' may be a joke as well? I've never read it, but I know that many people at fanfiction.net take it entirely seriously...

[Just your average movie goer]

No, it's an awesome book. The guy just has a lot of fun along the way though. And if you haven't read any of Timothy Zahn's stuff, you don't know what you're missing... and you are missing a lot. Yes, a lot of the EU is crap. But there are some true gems in among these books too.

Here are the MUST-READS:

The Courtship of Princess Leia

Heir To The Empire
Dark Force Rising
The Last Command



Here are the TRULY AWFUL ONES TO AVOID:

Anything by Kevin J. Anderson...

and those ones that your quotes come from. Yeah, those quotes are from children's books. And they are every bit as stupid as you would imagine them to be. Oh, they are unbelievably stupid. Nobody could have written them... they must have just popped into existence from somebody using an improbability drive or something.


And I'd just like to say for the record that Kevin J. Anderson is one of the biggest dickheads around the outskirts of the Star Wars franchise. Also, one would have to be a complete brain-dead moron to like his books.

They have incompetent aliens flying Death Stars as if they were speeder bikes, accidentally blowing up the moons of planets, commanders who we're told are geniuses but who somehow manage to lose Star Destroyers at the same rate a binge drinker loses his salary... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. My god, they are bad.

[Chefelf]

A five-year old with sexual fantasies!!  Yuck, I can't believe I actually read that series---what a gawdawful waste of my life... but it was given to me by a relative, I had to read it. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You read all ten books because a relative gave them to you??!?!? Wow.

I actually have several of those books, my mother bought them for me when I was young.

I'll dig up some quotes later on.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The best line I remember is from Volume 3: "His reptilian eyes were pretty slitted."

Those books are also littered with juvenile things like "the bomb went BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!" and "ZIP! BANG! CRASH!!!"

You think 'The Courtship of Princess Leia' may be a joke as well? I've never read it, but I know that many people at fanfiction.net take it entirely seriously...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm not sure if it was trying to be JUST a joke but you definitely get the idea that Dave Wolverton was having some fun with the universe.

JYAMG summed up the good/bad pretty well.

[Mnesymone]

Hear hear.

The Zahn stuff I loved - he introduces new cool characters rather than resting on someone elses laurels like a lot of the other writers.

The Kevin J. Anderson
"This pared-down death star I made looks like a jedi weapon. The lightsaber. I call it the Darksaber."

"The Republic is going to put you to death "Oh just make sure you do it properly this time""

Then there was the whole thing with Exar Kun and the Sun Crusher.
I would have been really pissed off if George Lucas actually used 'Exar' for the Sith Title, would have been even worse than calling everyone "Darth"

[Just another wretched fan]

Hear hear.

The Zahn stuff I loved - he introduces new cool characters rather than resting on someone elses laurels like a lot of the other writers.

The Kevin J. Anderson
"This pared-down death star I made looks like a jedi weapon. The lightsaber. I call it the Darksaber."

"The Republic is going to put you to death "Oh just make sure you do it properly this time""

Then there was the whole thing with Exar Kun and the Sun Crusher.
I would have been really pissed off if George Lucas actually used 'Exar' for the Sith Title, would have been even worse than calling everyone "Darth"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think Exar Kun is a pretty cool name for a villain though. Wasn't his apprentice Ulic Qel-Droma? Both are solid names, in my opinion.

The story of their seduction to the dark side is a pretty strong one too. Much better than what Vader's is looking like.

Exar Kun is put in a circumstance where he will die if he doesn't use dark force powers. After using the dark side, he continues to get sucked in.

Ulic gives into his rage when his master is killed, then believes that he could have saved his master if he had more power. He was trying to do the right thing for the wrong reason.

Vader's fall could have been amazing...now its just looking pathetic.