[barend]

w00t and so on...!!!

[J m HofMarN]

Floppydisk, you're suppose to call him "your holiness"

[Slade]

What's in a title? As long as he doesn't insult me he can call me whatever he wants, but unless he uses Slade I won't know he's talking to me.

[J m HofMarN]

Parents who let Jackson sleep with kids stunned to learn that he's a wierdo.



Chefelf5 News brings you the latest from the happiest place on earth since the OJ Simpson trial ended. That's right, the Michael Jackson trial!

The parents of several children who spent time with Michael Jackson took the stand today and we offer a free transcript of their testimony.

Prosecutor: Just what were your impressions of Michael Jackson when you first saw him?

Mr. Twitty: Well, he was missing half his nose and his hair was hanging down infront of his face in oily tangles, and his skin looked like it had been horribly bleached, and he was wearing a surgical mask and he kept grabbing his crotch. Naturally I thought "He looks like a fine person to babysit the little 'uns."

Prosecutor: And when did you start having doubts about him?

Mr. Twitty: When he began to have sex with my kids.

Prosecutor: And have you found new child care since then?

Mr. Twitty: Oh, absolutely. I sent them to a day care run by some chap named BTK in Kansas City.

Prosecutor: I rest my case.

Defense: So, Mr. Twitty, how exactly did you pay for your child's daycare services?

Mr. Twitty: With the money I extorted from Michael Jackson, of course.

Defense: So you shoved your kids into compromising situations with him knowing he was a weirdo so that you could later make accusations against him in return for large amounts of hush money?

Mr. Twitty: Yup.

Defense: So, what's it like to be a fucking douche bag?

People outside were stunned. Commented one mother:

"What's the world coming to when we can't even trust the men our children sleep with?"

And that's the latest from the Jackson courtroom. Stay tuned, in our nine oclock hour we'll go over a play by play analyses of the molestation with our sports commentator. Here's a clip.

Now you can see from the graphic of the Jackson bedroom that there is limited space. Jackson's really going to have to push the offense towards the closet area. If you're in the kid's corner though it's all a pretty clear match. The kid's going to have to try to stay away from the bed and work the running game. As long as the defense can keep their pants up they're going to make it very difficult for Jackson to score.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 28 April 2005 - 08:57 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Chefelf five sports brings you...

JACKSON VS SOME KID 2005!!!!!!!

Our tech people created a special Michael Jackson simulation. Here's a screen capture from it.



From this simulation (run on the Sega genesis system) we've been able to piece together what happened on the night of the molestation. To help with color comentary here's our sportscaster, Chuck Billman.

JH: Now, Chuck, what are your thoughts on the two combatants?

CB: Well, the kid clearly has the speed and, strangely enough, strength advantage. All that surgery seemed like it might have put Jacko on his backo for the whole season but he's been rearing to get back into things and frankly I think he's got a good chance this season, and he has the home court advantage.

JH: Alright, now what are your thoughts on the field exactly?

CB: Now you can see from the graphic of the Jackson bedroom that there is limited space. Jackson's really going to have to push the offense towards the closet area. If you're in the kid's corner though it's all a pretty clear match. The kid's going to have to try to stay away from the bed and work the running game. As long as the defense can keep their pants up they're going to make it very difficult for Jackson to score.

JH: So tell us what you observed in the first quarter. Let's get up an image of the bedroom if we can.



CB: Well you can see that the kid's team started out in the M zone, aka the bed. Now that's definately not somewhere thats safe for them to be so they try to get somewhere more comfortable. Jackson leaps over the TV sets in a straight line, but the kid was faking and instead he was going to go for the door straight away but you can see that the second defensive television is too much for him to get passed.

JH: Yeah he seemed to be having a lot of trouble on that play.

CB: Well yeah, but Jackson made a critical error here. Instead of going in for the tackle he jumped on the couch and did the old grab-own-crotch play. That cost him valuable time while the kid moved down the field.

JH: Would you say that's really where Jackson lost the game?

CB: Well, yes and no, J. M. You see, Jackson still could have won if he had completed a grab-own-nuts play. He moved to the table to do it and he figured he could let the TVs hold the line. However you can see in the graphic that the kid threw the smaller television at him, and so Jackson went off to the sidelines in the bathtub.

JH: By league rules that should have been a foul right?

CB: The refs didn't catch it. You gotta be quick in this game and thats just what the kid did. You can see he blew right past the remaining defense. The ottoman, the easy chair AND the kitchen counter were too stunned by his play to try to stop him, and he went all the way to the touchdown. This is definately a highly unorthodox yet very effective play.

JH: Thank you for your insight and goodnight.

CB: It was a pleasure.

JH: Join us tomorrow for more inanity, and remember, your children are only safe when you watch Chefelf5. We protect them. But if you stop watching us, something unfortunate could happen to them, if you know what I mean.

[Slade]

That was fucking awesome. We have some talented news anchors here.

[Mnesymone]

Indeed it was, your moderatorness.

[J m HofMarN]

Crazy environmentalists irked by new air freshener.

Chefelf 5 news now brings you a story as part of our continued commitment to addressing environmental matters by pretending they don't exist.

This week, Glade air freshener corp, in an attempt to court the drivers of SUVs, has released a new line of air fresheners and angered some of those zany environmentalists who like to talk about mythological creatures like global warming or endangered species. This reporter thinks that if endangered species actually existed, there'd be more of them.

Anywho, the air fresheners come in an assortment of fresh scents, such as "April Rain", "Tropical forest" "Yummy fruit" "Huffinstuff" and, the one that has raised the ire of the crazy liberal tree huggers, "Silent Spring"



The air freshener in question is scented with DDT and inserts into the gargantuan death spewing tail pipes of humvees and other such vehicles. As soon as the vehicle is activated and exhaust comes out of the port the air freshener activates, filling the air with a sweet scent while also killing off any song birds or other animal life in a mile radius.

"I am lovink zee scent of zee aea freshena" Stated governor Arnold Schwarzeneger.

"Finally, I can drive my SUV without having to worry about any bothersome wildlife chirping or getting under my tires. I don't mind telling you that the blood is hard to clean off!" Quipped the Marquis SainteEvremonde, another SUV driver. When it was later discovered that he had in fact run over a child, he tossed a five dollar bill out the window and snorted some coke.

Environmentalists, however, were not content to snort coke, and have begun a campaign to plug up the exhaust pipes of any vehicles using the air fresheners using organically grown environmental friendly potatoes grown by Uruguayan natives.

When notified of the plan, governor Schwarzeneger vowed that even if they did manage to make him choke on his own noxious fumes, "I'll be back"

[Slade]

Haha. Awesome possum as usual.

[Mnesymone]

And appallingly realistic too.

[SimeSublime]

I just loved the Silent Spring reference.

[J m HofMarN]

It really DOES sound kind of like an air freshener.

[J m HofMarN]

Soft drink lines introduce new flavors

Summer is hot, sultry, moist, and oh so slick and humid. It just makes you want to suck up all the hot wet fluids and flick your tongue around in them and and... Sorry, I seem to have spontaneously orgasmed. And now back to the news.

Yes, summer is hot. And to capitalize upon this the Capulets and Montagues of the beverage world, Coca-Cola (slogan: Slave labor and monopolies in poor countries taste good) and Pepsi (slogan: We shamelessly rip off Coca-Cola) are unveiling new lines of summer beverages.

Coca Cola, in response to the threat posed by Dr. Pepper cherry vanilla flavor, has unveiled Coca Cola cherry vanilla flavor, which they swear is different than just mixing cherry coke with vanilla coke. Pepsi followed suit. Not to be outdone Dr. Pepper revealed its new flavor, Dr Pepper cherry vanilla lemon lime chocolate surprise.

Sprite's new Remix gimmick has gone into overdrive, as they have created a beverage that will cater to "artists" who perform remixes. The actual drink is the same, but the plastic bottle will be laced with diamonds.

Not to be outdone, Fanta grape soda has unleashed a new ad campaign. While not altering the drink they have developed a new slogan. "Fanta: Just try it, please, we swear it dosnt taste like ass sweat" In a similiar move, Mountain Dew has released their new beverage, Mountain Dew Penis. By simulating the taste of man meat they hope to market to the gay male and straight female population, while depending on dares and pranks to sell to straight males. Mello Yellow was expected to do the same, only they'll call theirs Mellow Yellow Wang.

Energy drinks have packed their products with yet more unpronouncable and likely deadly herbs, spices, rocks, minerals and animal parts. We will bring you exclusive coverage on lawsuits stemming from the effects of these drinks as court papers are filed.

And that's news to me.

[Slade]

NO NEWS TO REPORT

CHEFELFIA, The Internet - It has been a rather slow news day here at ChefElf5. We like to pride ourselves on reporting the news as it happens, giving you what you need to know in information chunks digestible even to the most television-induced atrophied brain. We're well paid, well dressed, well spoken. We have an acceptable amount of minorities to keep the authorities off of our backs and we're always sure to tell you about what we're told by the global corporation that owns our station says you should be hearing.

That being said, I'm afraid that absolutely nothing is going on right now. I'm standing here in front of a plain brick building that a few people might know as the library. It's not being taken down or turned into a shopping mall. no one is attempting to rob it or burn its books, and there are no men dressed as super heros protesting above it. The situation is the same at the bank, the pasta shop, and the tattoo parlor. Absolutely nothing is going on. Here's a dog in a tutu reporting live from outside the mall.

Dog: *Woof woof woof bark bark growl woof woof sniff*

Slade: But when?

Dog: *Bark bark bow wow*

Slade: Thank you for that bit of information. Turning now to our very own asian reporter Tricia Takinowa at the bar across town. Tricia, what's the situation like over there?

Tricia: Well, Slade, it's the same thing that's been happening all over town. Absolutely nothing.

Slade: Nothing at all?

Tricia: No. As you can see, even the sexually deprived are not even out here, even though as the large green neon sign states, there are Live Nude Orcs inside.

Slade: Fascinating...

Tricia: Don't patronize me, we both know the only thing keeping us awake is the obscene amount of amphetamines in our systems.

Slade: Right. Do you have any idea as to what's caused this?

Tricia: Well, we're unsure. We've asked people and they've simply shrugged at us and replied "Meh." We were hoping that extraterrestrial hamsters had begun abducting people and forcing them into weightloss programs, but that's not it. Local satyr detective Martin Chuzzlewit had this to say.

*Cut to clip of Trisha and Chuzzlewit.*

MC: Damn it all, I don't know! Why are you people always trying to call me an alcoholic! I can stop drinking whenever the hell I want to!

Trisha: No, Detective Chuzzlewit. Why do you think that there is no news to report?

MC: Everyone's inside because it's cold and windy?

Trisha: Thank you, sir.

MC: Don't mention it, doll. Hey, are you free later tonight, if you know what I mean?

Trisha: Detective Chuzzlewit, I -

*Cut back to Trisha.*

Trisha: And there you have it. The weather is poor. Wait! This just in! There is an ant slowly moving its way down Main Street! I've got to go. Back to you, Slade!

Slade: Thank you, Tricia. Nothing to report. Just... me... sitting here... talking to the camera... with nothing to say... Well... this is awkward... *Slade checks his watch.* Only twenty more minutes to go... *sigh*

This post has been edited by Slade: 01 May 2005 - 11:42 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Slade- As I said on AIM when you asked me if your story was good, I ask you once more to delete it. It's making my story look bad in comparison to it! Seriously though that was some great skit writing.