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As for me, I'm going to take a break from posting here for a few days in order to spend more time with my family. Or something.
QUOTE
EXT. DAGOBAH - DAY
Luke receives the special
'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps'
training course from Yoda.
Yoda holds a device. Images of stuff flash on the screen. Luke can't see it.
YODA
Displayed on my little screen
what is?
LUKE
How should I know?!
YODA
Not good, this is. Failed the
first test, you have. Skip this
and go to lesson number two, we
will. How feel you?
LUKE
Hot and sweaty.
YODA
Not cold?
LUKE
No, it's the swamp climate.
YODA
Very good, very good. Miss your
mother, you do?
LUKE
No, I never even knew her.
YODA
Excellent! Step three passed, you
have. Now, fly through narrow
canyon and avoid obstacles you
must.
LUKE
I already did that in the
previous episode!
YODA
Oh, okay. Skip lesson number
four, we shall then. Number five:
still much to learn about the
Living Force, you have.
LUKE
What do you mean?
YODA
Pick up pathetic life-form you
must.
Luke looks around, then picks up a snake.
YODA (CONT'D)
Well done!
Yoda activates a holographic map, displaying a bunch of
stars.
YODA (CONT'D)
Look here for lesson number six.
Star reacts to pull of gravity,
but planet is missing. Where is
planet?
LUKE
Where it should be, to be able to
affect the star with its
gravitational pull?
YODA
Very good! Truly remarkable, the
mind of a twenty something year
old is! Not even experienced Jedi
masters could figure this out!
LUKE
I'm starting to understand why
all the Jedi got wiped out...
Yoda presses the delete button by accident and the star-map disappears!
YODA
Gone it is!
LUKE
Only a Jedi could have erased
those files, but who?
YODA
Dangerous and disturbing this
mystery is. Meditate on this, I
will.
First however, you shall receive
the seventh lesson: You must
unlearn what you have learned.
LUKE
oiyuaaetiukl, jbkufos osfjosu
ooyr.
YODA
What?
LUKE
I'm unlearning to speak.
YODA
No, no, no! I mean you must
unlearn what you have learned
from the previous editions!
LUKE
Including the prequels?
YODA
No! The new canon, the prequels
are!
LUKE
Master Yoda, why are the prequels
so inconsistent? They are like
the Expanded Universe.
YODA
Inconsistent only until next
version of Original Editions, my
very young apprentice...
LUKE
Must I also unlearn what Obi-Wan
taught me?
YODA
Obi-Wan trained you?! Damn! Worse
than I thought, it is! Yes, yes!
Unlearn everything he taught you!
An idiot he was! The prequels!
Remember the failure of the
prequels!
LUKE
I thought they were a success.
YODA
Financially, not artistically.
Think funny, you are? If
practiced your saber skills as
much as your wit you did, rival
me as a swordsman, you would!
LUKE
You fight with a lightsaber?!
That must look stupid.
YODA
Watch and learn. Lesson eight.
YAAAAH!!!!
Yoda jumps up, flip flops, twirls, bounces around trees and swings his little saber!
LUKE
I was right. That looked stupid.
YODA
Silliness, fear, anger, hatred,
circumstance, bad dialogue,
impatience, weak editing, lack of
drama...quick to join you in a
fight they are. Lesson number
nine, that was.
LUKE
Is the Dark Side stronger?
YODA
Yes, Lucas said so on the Episode
2 DVD. Lesson number ten, covered
we have.
LUKE
It's going fast!
YODA
Lesson number eleven, time for it
has come. Go into that cave you
must. A domain of evil it is.
LUKE
Lucasfilm Licensing is located
there?
YODA
No, it is a place strong with the
Dark Side.
LUKE
Was the mystery of this cave ever
explained?
YODA
No, too busy explaining history
of Boba Fett, we were.
Luke is about to enter the cave. He leaves his saber
behind.
YODA (CONT'D)
Your saber, take it with you
everywhere, you must. Your life,
this weapon is. Lesson twelve,
forget you must not.
LUKE
Sorry master. I try.
YODA
No! Do or do not, there is no
try! Try not to forget it next
time. Lesson number thirteen,
already completed we have now.
Luke enters the cave to do lesson number eleven.
INT. CAVE OF EXPANDED UNIVERSE
Luke encounters a figure! A tired old man...
LUKE
Who are you?
DOOKU
I am Count Dooku.
LUKE
Who?!
DOOKU
Everybody asks that question. I
should have been in Episode 1,
but I wasn't. I was in a few
scenes in Episode 2, but the
scenes where my background and my
original motives were explained
got cut. In Episode 3 I was
killed off early in the movie. I
was forgotten, and now I roam
here in the Expanded Universe
Hell...where all characters end
up sooner or later. Oh, by the
way, Qui-Gon Jinn was once my
apprentice.
LUKE
So?
DOOKU
Qui-Gon Jinn trained Obi-Wan, who
trained you. And Yoda trained me,
and now you. So we have a
history, Luke.
LUKE
No we don't.
Dooku starts crying.
DOOKU
(crying)
I know! I just like to pretend I
am somehow connected to important
characters who do have a history!
Luke exits the cave, confused.
EXT. DAGOBAH - EVENING
Luke joins Yoda.
YODA
Time for lesson number fourteen.
Easy this one will be. Stand on
one finger, balance me on your
foot, levitate boxes and droid,
and look into the future you
must.
Luke does so.
LUKE
Han, Leia!
Luke and Yoda and Artoo fall down.
YODA
It was the future you have seen.
LUKE
Will they die?
YODA
Difficult to see. Always in
motion, the future is. Either
that, or the Dark Side clouds our
vision and limits our ability to
use the Force. Pick one. Lesson
number fifteen, a challenging one
it is.
LUKE
An inconsistency test!
Interesting. I'll pick the one
where the future is always in
motion. That's cool and deep,
because it implies that you
control your own destiny.
YODA
Wrong! To be a Jedi is to be lame
and stupid! Deep and meaningful
are the ways of the outdated
editions!
LUKE
It seems so weak. I always
thought we were luminous beings
who where spiritual and stuff
like that.
YODA
Crude matter we are, with
microscopic life-forms living
inside our cells. The will of the
Force they tell us. Test person
with communicators and standard
equipment on starships you can.
This lesson number sixteen may
come in handy one day.
Then Luke's Left-Wing fighter sinks into the swamp.
YODA (CONT'D)
Use the Force. Feel the
midichlorians inside you and pull
out your ship. Lesson seventeen,
we have reached.
Luke fails. Yoda then concentrates and the L-Wing is CG
levitated onto the shore.
LUKE
I don't believe it.
YODA
Why not? Already levitated a
heavy object in Episode 2, I did.
You must let go and believe
whatever it is you are shown in
prequels. Lesson number eighteen -
a difficult one this is for
certain.
LUKE
I have to go and help my friends.
YODA
Lesson number nineteen: sometimes
you must sacrifice your friends
for the greater good.
LUKE
Is this something you learned at
the time of the prequels?
YODA
No. From Star Trek 2: The Wrath
Of Kahn. 'The needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few'.
LUKE
I'm outta here!
OBI-WAN
Luke, be careful! I can't help
you.
LUKE
Then what's the point of all this
ghost stuff?!
YODA
There is no point. Lesson number
twenty, that was. Only one more
to go, we have!
LUKE
I will come back and complete my
training. I promise.
YODA
Remember, lessons one to twenty
were part of free extended
limited time offer trial period
preview. For last step you must
join Hyperspace paid subscription
service on official website!
LUKE
I'll remember.
Luke flies away.
OBI-WAN
That boy was our only hope.
YODA
No. I cloned another.
Luke receives the special
'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps'
training course from Yoda.
Yoda holds a device. Images of stuff flash on the screen. Luke can't see it.
YODA
Displayed on my little screen
what is?
LUKE
How should I know?!
YODA
Not good, this is. Failed the
first test, you have. Skip this
and go to lesson number two, we
will. How feel you?
LUKE
Hot and sweaty.
YODA
Not cold?
LUKE
No, it's the swamp climate.
YODA
Very good, very good. Miss your
mother, you do?
LUKE
No, I never even knew her.
YODA
Excellent! Step three passed, you
have. Now, fly through narrow
canyon and avoid obstacles you
must.
LUKE
I already did that in the
previous episode!
YODA
Oh, okay. Skip lesson number
four, we shall then. Number five:
still much to learn about the
Living Force, you have.
LUKE
What do you mean?
YODA
Pick up pathetic life-form you
must.
Luke looks around, then picks up a snake.
YODA (CONT'D)
Well done!
Yoda activates a holographic map, displaying a bunch of
stars.
YODA (CONT'D)
Look here for lesson number six.
Star reacts to pull of gravity,
but planet is missing. Where is
planet?
LUKE
Where it should be, to be able to
affect the star with its
gravitational pull?
YODA
Very good! Truly remarkable, the
mind of a twenty something year
old is! Not even experienced Jedi
masters could figure this out!
LUKE
I'm starting to understand why
all the Jedi got wiped out...
Yoda presses the delete button by accident and the star-map disappears!
YODA
Gone it is!
LUKE
Only a Jedi could have erased
those files, but who?
YODA
Dangerous and disturbing this
mystery is. Meditate on this, I
will.
First however, you shall receive
the seventh lesson: You must
unlearn what you have learned.
LUKE
oiyuaaetiukl, jbkufos osfjosu
ooyr.
YODA
What?
LUKE
I'm unlearning to speak.
YODA
No, no, no! I mean you must
unlearn what you have learned
from the previous editions!
LUKE
Including the prequels?
YODA
No! The new canon, the prequels
are!
LUKE
Master Yoda, why are the prequels
so inconsistent? They are like
the Expanded Universe.
YODA
Inconsistent only until next
version of Original Editions, my
very young apprentice...
LUKE
Must I also unlearn what Obi-Wan
taught me?
YODA
Obi-Wan trained you?! Damn! Worse
than I thought, it is! Yes, yes!
Unlearn everything he taught you!
An idiot he was! The prequels!
Remember the failure of the
prequels!
LUKE
I thought they were a success.
YODA
Financially, not artistically.
Think funny, you are? If
practiced your saber skills as
much as your wit you did, rival
me as a swordsman, you would!
LUKE
You fight with a lightsaber?!
That must look stupid.
YODA
Watch and learn. Lesson eight.
YAAAAH!!!!
Yoda jumps up, flip flops, twirls, bounces around trees and swings his little saber!
LUKE
I was right. That looked stupid.
YODA
Silliness, fear, anger, hatred,
circumstance, bad dialogue,
impatience, weak editing, lack of
drama...quick to join you in a
fight they are. Lesson number
nine, that was.
LUKE
Is the Dark Side stronger?
YODA
Yes, Lucas said so on the Episode
2 DVD. Lesson number ten, covered
we have.
LUKE
It's going fast!
YODA
Lesson number eleven, time for it
has come. Go into that cave you
must. A domain of evil it is.
LUKE
Lucasfilm Licensing is located
there?
YODA
No, it is a place strong with the
Dark Side.
LUKE
Was the mystery of this cave ever
explained?
YODA
No, too busy explaining history
of Boba Fett, we were.
Luke is about to enter the cave. He leaves his saber
behind.
YODA (CONT'D)
Your saber, take it with you
everywhere, you must. Your life,
this weapon is. Lesson twelve,
forget you must not.
LUKE
Sorry master. I try.
YODA
No! Do or do not, there is no
try! Try not to forget it next
time. Lesson number thirteen,
already completed we have now.
Luke enters the cave to do lesson number eleven.
INT. CAVE OF EXPANDED UNIVERSE
Luke encounters a figure! A tired old man...
LUKE
Who are you?
DOOKU
I am Count Dooku.
LUKE
Who?!
DOOKU
Everybody asks that question. I
should have been in Episode 1,
but I wasn't. I was in a few
scenes in Episode 2, but the
scenes where my background and my
original motives were explained
got cut. In Episode 3 I was
killed off early in the movie. I
was forgotten, and now I roam
here in the Expanded Universe
Hell...where all characters end
up sooner or later. Oh, by the
way, Qui-Gon Jinn was once my
apprentice.
LUKE
So?
DOOKU
Qui-Gon Jinn trained Obi-Wan, who
trained you. And Yoda trained me,
and now you. So we have a
history, Luke.
LUKE
No we don't.
Dooku starts crying.
DOOKU
(crying)
I know! I just like to pretend I
am somehow connected to important
characters who do have a history!
Luke exits the cave, confused.
EXT. DAGOBAH - EVENING
Luke joins Yoda.
YODA
Time for lesson number fourteen.
Easy this one will be. Stand on
one finger, balance me on your
foot, levitate boxes and droid,
and look into the future you
must.
Luke does so.
LUKE
Han, Leia!
Luke and Yoda and Artoo fall down.
YODA
It was the future you have seen.
LUKE
Will they die?
YODA
Difficult to see. Always in
motion, the future is. Either
that, or the Dark Side clouds our
vision and limits our ability to
use the Force. Pick one. Lesson
number fifteen, a challenging one
it is.
LUKE
An inconsistency test!
Interesting. I'll pick the one
where the future is always in
motion. That's cool and deep,
because it implies that you
control your own destiny.
YODA
Wrong! To be a Jedi is to be lame
and stupid! Deep and meaningful
are the ways of the outdated
editions!
LUKE
It seems so weak. I always
thought we were luminous beings
who where spiritual and stuff
like that.
YODA
Crude matter we are, with
microscopic life-forms living
inside our cells. The will of the
Force they tell us. Test person
with communicators and standard
equipment on starships you can.
This lesson number sixteen may
come in handy one day.
Then Luke's Left-Wing fighter sinks into the swamp.
YODA (CONT'D)
Use the Force. Feel the
midichlorians inside you and pull
out your ship. Lesson seventeen,
we have reached.
Luke fails. Yoda then concentrates and the L-Wing is CG
levitated onto the shore.
LUKE
I don't believe it.
YODA
Why not? Already levitated a
heavy object in Episode 2, I did.
You must let go and believe
whatever it is you are shown in
prequels. Lesson number eighteen -
a difficult one this is for
certain.
LUKE
I have to go and help my friends.
YODA
Lesson number nineteen: sometimes
you must sacrifice your friends
for the greater good.
LUKE
Is this something you learned at
the time of the prequels?
YODA
No. From Star Trek 2: The Wrath
Of Kahn. 'The needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few'.
LUKE
I'm outta here!
OBI-WAN
Luke, be careful! I can't help
you.
LUKE
Then what's the point of all this
ghost stuff?!
YODA
There is no point. Lesson number
twenty, that was. Only one more
to go, we have!
LUKE
I will come back and complete my
training. I promise.
YODA
Remember, lessons one to twenty
were part of free extended
limited time offer trial period
preview. For last step you must
join Hyperspace paid subscription
service on official website!
LUKE
I'll remember.
Luke flies away.
OBI-WAN
That boy was our only hope.
YODA
No. I cloned another.
MultiQuote
Posted 08 September 2004 - 10:55 AM
