[barend]

Dear Barend.

Everyone I know has iPods, whereas I made a better investment in a Rio Karma and some Shure canalphones for the same price and much better quality.  Just how smug should I act?

Yours,

Sir SmuggySmugSmug

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Sir SmuggySmugSmug,

there is an equasion to follow.
for every alotment of $20 you spent under the cost of an ipod, add a unit.
for every alotment of $20 you spent over the cost of an ipod, subtract a unit.*
for every gigabite over the average quantity of your friends ipods, add a unit
for every gigabite under the average quantity of your friends ipods, subtract a unit
*(note: 'shure' make excellent audio equipment, do not include the cost of them as they count as a superior purchase no matter what)

for every unit you have earned, you should treat as a military rank over your friends. they are privates (if you are in the posatives).
if you made corporal, just know that you are better then them, and act like you are incharge. if you made sergent, then yell at them and make them do pushups when they displease you. i think you get the idea....

the master of social heirachy and smugnition
barend

Dear Barand,

I'm nearly at 1000 posts, are you proud?

signed,

pwned111LMAO11111w00t!!!ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!!!!!!!

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dear pwned111LMAO11111w00t!!!ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!!!!!!!,

y0u c3r741nly h4v3 pr00v3d y0rs3lf a d1r7y l337 haXXor, w0r7hy 0f pr4153!!!111!

b4r3nd

Dear Lord Barend,

Really, what is the secret of eternal life?

Yours,

Merely Mortal

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Merely Mortal,

you ask a question with an obvious answer...

the secret affiliated with eternal life is the location of the fountain of youth.

happy?

Dear my dominatrix lord barend,

What is the best way to put out a fire - that may or may not be caused by illegal substances - without alerting the authorities?

Signed,
I'm not doing drugs...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear I'm not doing drugs...,

geeze... didn't you learn anything in fire safty class?

if it is some sort of electrical fire or greese fire, throw water at it...
it is some sort of water fire, throw some electricity or greese at it...
if it some sort of narcotic substance that has been left too near to an open flame, you should probably let it burn until the evidence is gone, then throw water at it.
if it is a fireworks misshap, just sit back and enjoy the show...

pyrotechnically yours
Barend

[Kirby]

Dear Barend

Why do all my relationships end up as sitcom-ey as possable?

Signed
Jack Tripper

[Mnesymone]

Dear God,

Why is there a ballistic missile in my back yard? What am I to do with it?

Signed,
Thinking of putting the white house out of action.

[barend]

Dear Barend

Why do all my relationships end up as sitcom-ey as possable?

Signed
Jack Tripper

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Mr.Tripper,

i think you'll find the live studio audience you live with has had some part in this...
see if you can get them to do the wave while you have sex, if not... send them away...

Executive producer Barend

Dear God,

Why is there a ballistic missile in my back yard? What am I to do with it?

Signed,
Thinking of putting the white house out of action.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Thinking of putting the white house out of action.,

A balistic missle is a complicated device that requires launching equipment and guidence systems that are too expensive for you to purchase and too complex for to seriously consider constructing and designing yourself...

the best thing to do would be to contact one of the local terrorist organisations as despite the long lived tradition of their kind they seem to have lots of money these days...

they will lunch it for you and pay top dollar for it...
(i get 10% finders fee)

your, watched the episode of the young ones called 'bomb'
barend

[Girdag Fireskull]

Dear The Almighty Archfiend Barend.

Why is there a traffic cone on my head?

Yours,

Dazed and Confused.

[Laughlyn]

Greetings to you lord Barend of the nine hells.

Perhaps this would be a simple solution to Thinking of putting the white house out of action's problems?

Regards

Eternal troublemaker.

[floppydisk]

Dear barend,

Is it possible that the US govt. will declare that the man in the above link is harboring Terrorists and creating WMDs, and then invade his poorly kept flea-ridden home?

Yours truly,
adasgfgjghk

[Ninja Duck]

Dear Bizzarend,

There's this girl from school that I like. What can I say to get her to love me?

--Elvis

[Chyld]

Dear Lord Barend,

I'm bored. In fact, I'm bored to the point where wet paint isn't quite the thrill it used to be, and I might just start chopping off appendages to pass the time. Any suggestions?

Yours, Bored As A Very Bored Thing.

[floppydisk]

Dear barend,

Why did George Lucas have to crush our hopes and dreams by making the Star Wars Prequels suck balls?

Signed

Luke Skywalker

[barend]

Dear  The Almighty Archfiend Barend.

Why is there a traffic cone on my head?

Yours,

Dazed and Confused.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dear Dazed and Confused.,

where else should it be?

The Almighty Archfiend Barend.

Greetings to you lord Barend of the nine hells.

Perhaps this would be a simple solution to Thinking of putting the white house out of action's problems?

Regards

Eternal troublemaker.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Eternal troublemaker.,

that fellow has the right idea...

perhaps you could hire him to test yours for you and build you a suitible plaform from which to launch it...

good luck

Barend

Dear barend,

Is it possible that the US govt. will declare that the man in the above link is harboring Terrorists and creating WMDs, and then invade his poorly kept flea-ridden home?

Yours truly,
adasgfgjghk

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dear concearned adasgfgjghk,

no. the Us prefers to hire people then screw them over, leaving many with skill out and about to be angry and focus that rage and their given skills into making WMDs... but the US likes to wait for a person to snap and attack them... then they like to act all suprised and upset, before picking a country of rich resources to rip apart...

home this has helped answer your question...

Dear Bizzarend,

There's this girl from school that I like. What can I say to get her to love me?

--Elvis

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Dear --Elvis,

if telling her you know me has not yet worked... then you shouldn't bother... but if you must...

try singing to her... or picking on her. in fact picking on her alot should do the trick... beat someone up infront of her... highschool girls love guys that are good at beating up people physically inferior to them...

it's the skill they hold higher than any other...

Barend.

Dear Lord Barend,

I'm bored. In fact, I'm bored to the point where wet paint isn't quite the thrill it used to be, and I might just start chopping off appendages to pass the time. Any suggestions?

Yours, Bored As A Very Bored Thing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

yeah... start with your legs, you'll get though more appendages that way...

Dear barend,

Why did George Lucas have to crush our hopes and dreams by making the Star Wars Prequels suck balls?

Signed

Luke Skywalker

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear young skywalker,

he doesn't like you very much...

99% of all people are completely dumb. if you make a film that's smart, you're only appealing to 1% of the market...

if you want this trend to end then you need to end the trendsetters... i.e. the stupid folk.

wipe them out, and better films will be made...

Obi Wan if Yu by the other!!!!
Barend.

[Otal Nimrodi]

Dear Barend.

What is the best way to get rid of humanity? They really anoy me.

Signed

Down with people.

[Revan-47]

Dear Barend,

Mountain Dew wants to know if you want to be his partner in taking over the world. If you dont, he will smite youl.

Revan

[barend]

Dear Barend.

What is the best way to get rid of humanity? They really anoy me.

Signed

Down with people.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Down with people.,

didn't you watch batman? crazy powder, microwave, access to water pipes!!!
either that or make pipe bombs using flour, bleach, sugar, amonia, and olive oil.

or develope a 'reality TV' series called 'suicide island'

then you could make everyones '15 minutes' their last!!!

your pal
Bar "15 minutes of maim" End.

Dear Barend,

Mountain Dew wants to know if you want to be his partner in taking over the world. If you dont, he will smite youl.

Revan

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Revan,

So Mountain Dew has kidnapped some dude named 'youl' and will kill him if i don't help him with his evil plans.

hmmmm...

tell him, i'm already half way to conquoring the known world on my own, but if he wants to tag along; i could use an extra hand to carry my photon cannons, particle disruptors, and phase plasma pulse rifles in the 40 Watt range.

and tell Dr.Pepper we need a science officer.

yours meglomaniacley,
Barend

This post has been edited by barend: 03 July 2005 - 07:44 PM

[SithAvenger]

Dear Barend,

Recently I have been having nightmares of the sun exploding and destroying all life in Earth. Am I having premonitions or should I stop to smoke pot?

Signed, worried for my life.