[Jane Sherwood]

Dear barend,

I have recently decided to make an exodus into Canada. The problem is, my funds are a bit inadequate. Do you have any idea how I could travel to and set up a comfortable living in Canada with only about $135 dollars that doesn’t involve prostitution, drug dealing, or any other activity that could get me arrested?

Sincerely,
Help! Dubya’s Going to Kill Us All!

[Creaux]

Dear Barend:

I have recently come into the possession of a tome of Chaotic Magic, penned by an evil dwarf. Realizing how much ass this kicked, I brought i home, and as soon as I could translate a few spells, I started casting away, bringing me the wealth, friends (and ladies ) I've always dreamed of having!

Unfortunately, icasting the magic is slowly transforming me to stone, beginning at my feet. Right now, it's up to my knees.

Please respond with startling alacrity and celerity and criticality,

Creaux

[barend]

I have recently decided to make an exodus into Canada.  The problem is, my funds are a bit inadequate.  Do you have any idea how I could travel to and set up a comfortable living in Canada with only about $135 dollars...

that's easy...

that doesn’t involve prostitution, drug dealing, or any other activity that could get me arrested?

oh... uh...

dear Help! Dubya’s Going to Kill Us All! ,

there's alway money to be had in 'human testing' try experimental medication, treatments, and confectionary and toxicating bevrages and smokeables...

you'll have enough cash to get to canada... a beautiful place where any deformities you gain from testing, will not be discriminated against...

your always trying something new pal
barend...

Dear Barend:

I have recently come into the possession of a tome of Chaotic Magic, penned by an evil dwarf. Realizing how much ass this kicked, I brought i home, and as soon as I could translate a few spells, I started casting away, bringing me the wealth, friends (and ladies  ) I've always dreamed of having!

Unfortunately, icasting the magic is slowly transforming me to stone, beginning at my feet. Right now, it's up to my knees.

Please respond with startling alacrity and celerity and criticality,

Creaux

if the dwarfs name was GROIN, he purchased that book of me... in which case page 48, paragraph 2 will clearly outline that you have to limmit the spells cast per day and that with exessive use, statufication may occur...

but i suppose that's tooo little too late...

you'll need climb mount Feadhol in the 8th realm of Carasumundi, (portal instructions on page 1887)... there you must win favour with Bahhbahrossi, king of the goatmen...
he will lead you up the sothern path...

but first you will need to learn the treate handshake of their people or they will do unspeakable things to you if get even one of the 486 motions of it wrong...

on the third highest peak you'll find a nest of harpies guarding a chest... you will need to defeat all 90 of them...

inside the chest you will find an unopened bottle of everyday common household amonia... soak your feet in it and they should be back to normal in 5 minutes...

your startlingly alacritous and celeritous and critical buddy Barend.

This post has been edited by barend: 06 November 2004 - 08:37 AM

[electricprune]

Dear Barend:

The only fellows who seem to be attracted to me are old men or borderline autistics. What the heck is my problem?

Signed,

Annoying Dude Magnet

[barend]

dear Annoying Dude Magnet,

old men have money, and autistics are good at math and could probably do your accounts for you and fix it so that you only pay $3 in tax a year...

i don't see what the problem is...

but if you're trying to go for the young and intellectually average, i recomend acting like a bimbo and laughing like a nervous school girl evertime you talk to a jock... yelling "oh my God!!! this is my favorite song" everytime any song in the top 40 comes on...

and you'll score your ideal Mr.Average will fall into your lap before you know it...

your old borderline autistic friend Barend.

PS. what are you doing later?

[Ninja Duck]

Dear B*rend,

Where in the Bible does it mention Iraqi-slaying as a good Christian value?

--Out of Place in the Bible Belt

[J m HofMarN]

Barend,

Aside from my obvious question of when the glorious socialist revolution will free the working class I have another one of slightly less import.

My question is this: I play an epic level D&D character. However WW exalteds are now being used in the rp I partake of and as I do not know the system my character is largely powerless. My question is how would a D&D wizard murder a WW exalted? Specifics would help greatly.

[Slade]

Barend,

I have the uncanny ability to go unnoticed everywhere. While this does help greatly when I am involved of covert acts of subterfuge, espionage, or the general spreading of chaos, I can not control this power, and it carrys into real life. I have a hard time getting my friends to notice me when I'm talking to them even if I'm punching them in the face at the time. And as far as girls are concerned, I don't even exist at all. I even stole a bullhorn from out of a person's hand once, used it to yell in his ear, and he still didn't notice me standing right next to him. And just in case you're wondering, I am alive and very corporeal.

- Disregarded

This post has been edited by Slade: 10 November 2004 - 11:02 AM

[Madam Corvax]

Dear Barend,

I commute to work every day, which involves getting up at 5.30 in the morning and travelling on public transport. I try to sleep during that tedious journey, but recently due to cuts in funds the number of carriges dercreased and when I get on the train all the seats are already taken by elderly men in army fatuigues carrying stange equipment - some sort of rods, rucksacks and sometimes even portable stools.

I find these elderly men disturbing. Who are they? What are they doing at the crack of dawn, when all normal people are asleep (unless they commute to work, like me and the rest of the passengers, who do not use words like "bait", "tackle" and discuss revolting things like worms at six o'clock in the morning).

Are they perhpas terrorist? And what shall I do to make them ofer me a seat?

Yours

Exasperated Commuter

[barend]

woah... so many problems...

alright quick responses...

Dear B*rend,

Where in the Bible does it mention Iraqi-slaying as a good Christian value?

--Out of Place in the Bible Belt

Balonians 3:16
Genocis 14:21

Barend,

Aside from my obvious question of when the glorious socialist revolution will free the working class I have another one of slightly less import.

My question is this: I play an epic level D&D character. However WW exalteds are now being used in the rp I partake of and as I do not know the system my character is largely powerless. My question is how would a D&D wizard murder a WW exalted? Specifics would help greatly.

revolution is a week next tuesday... kill your boss, yelling 'vive la barend' everyone will be doing it... if you don't notice anyone else doing it just get started anyway and we'll all catch up...

I don't know what WW is.... please expand.

Barend,

I have the uncanny ability to go unnoticed everywhere. While this does help greatly when I am involved of covert acts of subterfuge, espionage, or the general spreading of chaos, I can not control this power, and it carrys into real life. I have a hard time getting my friends to notice me when I'm talking to them even if I'm punching them in the face at the time. And as far as girls are concerned, I don't even exist at all. I even stole a bullhorn from out of a person's hand once, used it to yell in his ear, and he still didn't notice me standing right next to him. And just in case you're wondering, I am alive and very corporeal.

- Disregarded

did anyone hear something just then...?

...

Dear Barend,

I commute to work every day, which involves getting up at 5.30 in the morning and travelling on public transport. I try to sleep during that tedious journey, but recently due to cuts in funds the number of carriges dercreased and when I get on the train all the seats are already taken by elderly men in army fatuigues carrying stange equipment - some sort of rods, rucksacks and sometimes even portable stools.

I find these elderly men disturbing. Who are they? What are they doing at the crack of dawn, when all normal people are asleep (unless they commute to work, like me and the rest of the passengers, who do not use words like "bait", "tackle" and discuss revolting things like worms at six o'clock in the morning).

Are they perhpas terrorist? And what shall I do to make them ofer me a seat?

Yours

Exasperated Commuter

option 1.:
tell them you want to join thier movement... when they make you a member you should get a seat...
option2.:
dress identical to them and try to pass yourself of as one of them...
add some extra bars to the sleves and tell them "what?!? you dare fill the seat of a superior?!?"

your exhausted friend Barend...

[Slade]

Barend,
My nose is running faster than me, how can I catch it?

-Big Drip

[barend]

Dear Big Drip,

your metaphorical imagary makes diagnosis near impossible.

if by running you mean 'leaking snot' then i recomend snorting a spoonfull of wasabi into each nostril... tat's what i usually do.

if your nasal protrusion as actually acheived some sot of sentient self awareness and abandoned your face, then all i can do is offer this...
If you truley love something, you must let it free...

without a nose you will be able to sleep in any position, and get into fights without the fear of getting it broken... car accidents will now be easier to cope with aswell...

your nasalistic nomad
-barend

[Kirby]

Dear Barend

How do I get rid of all the 1337 H4X0Rzz that invade my chat rooms and online games. They're worse than cockroaches I say.

Yours Truely
Truely Annoyed

[Galactic-Conquest]

Dear Barend

Is stealing albums from my rich bastard mate, who doesnt even listen to them, but only buy's them because he knows i want them, and tries to constantly smite me, still morally wrong and should still be branded "stealing".


did i mention hes a rich little bastard who wont even miss them because ive already taken 1 and he hasnt noticed.

[Lord Aquaman]

Dear Barend,

If you are Godzilla and I am Japan, then who is King Kong and who is New York?

-LA