ASK BAREND... - Chefelf.com Night Life

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ASK BAREND... the Bad Advice collumn

#46 Jane Sherwood

Hello Master

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Posted 10 July 2004 - 04:12 PM

Indeed. Not to mention silly-looking.

Check out my crappy drawings!

Chyld is an ignorant slut.

QUOTE

"I don't have to conform to the vagaries of time and space; I'm a loony, for God's sake!"
- Campbell Bean (David Tennant), Takin' Over the Asylum, 1994

#47 SimeSublime

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Posted 11 July 2004 - 04:16 AM

There was a kid at my primary school called wort-nose as, ironically, he had a wort up his nose. When he got it burnt off, his name was changed to Ex-wort-nose.

The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?

#48 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

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Posted 11 July 2004 - 08:40 AM

dear Mosquito Plagued

spray some insect repelant up your nose, this will repel him into your mouth, where you will have the home team advantage...

and you can bite HIM back!!!

your snortacious friend,
Barend

>>The Adventures of Heinrich Von Bastard<< (A Web Comic)

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#49 Jane Sherwood

Hello Master

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Posted 11 July 2004 - 04:31 PM

QUOTE (SimeSublime @ Jul 11 2004, 04:16 AM)

There was a kid at my primary school called wort-nose as, ironically, he had a wort up his nose. When he got it burnt off, his name was changed to Ex-wort-nose.

Now that's just cruel...

Check out my crappy drawings!

Chyld is an ignorant slut.

QUOTE

"I don't have to conform to the vagaries of time and space; I'm a loony, for God's sake!"
- Campbell Bean (David Tennant), Takin' Over the Asylum, 1994

#50 SimeSublime

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Posted 12 July 2004 - 03:28 AM

Never say that about somebody until you meet them. I've told similar stories, and people say that I'm being cruel. Then they meet the person, and a week later they're doing worse.

Then again, I was a right little prick in primary school.

The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?

#51 Jane Sherwood

Hello Master

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Posted 12 July 2004 - 10:33 PM

I say that because I was always one of the ones being picked on in school. It didn't stop until a couple years ago, when people actually tried talking to me instead of listening to a few certain sadistic pricks... :angry:

Check out my crappy drawings!

Chyld is an ignorant slut.

QUOTE

"I don't have to conform to the vagaries of time and space; I'm a loony, for God's sake!"
- Campbell Bean (David Tennant), Takin' Over the Asylum, 1994

#52 SimeSublime

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Posted 13 July 2004 - 08:43 AM

Oh, I have also experienced my time of being the butt of all jokes. Thats why I hated highschool.

Oh problem with him wasn't from people telling tales, but rather him enforcing himself on others. It was scary.

This post has been edited by SimeSublime: 13 July 2004 - 08:45 AM

The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?

#53 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

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Posted 13 July 2004 - 09:43 PM

I'll just be sitting over here untill someone needs me...

#54 SimeSublime

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Posted 14 July 2004 - 07:32 AM

Bugger. Sorry about that. Didn't realise which thread we were in.

So, Barend,
Any other suggestions on how we could have got ol' Wort Nose to leave us alone, taking into account that telling him to piss off had no effect, and physical violence would have netted us a detention?
-Harassed.

The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?

#55 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

Group: Crappy News Team
Posts: 11,839
Joined: 12-November 03
Gender:Male
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Interests:The Beers of Western Europe, Cognac, and constantly claiming the world would have been a better place if Napoleon had won.
Country:Australia

Posted 14 July 2004 - 09:56 PM

Dear Harassed,

perhaps prettending to be his friend (my answer to everything) and either;
1. offering him a mix of battery acid and baking soda as cocain, killing him and giving everyone the day off for the funeral, and another day practically off a whole-day school assembly is called in ti raise awarness of drugs!!!
2. invite him on a hunting trip (the rest will come naturally)
3. tell him you're gay, and that you would like to know him better...

I hope this has been of some reflective help... and advise you will one day give to your own children.

one-of-the-popular kids
Barend.

#56 Slade

Full of Bombs and/or Keys

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Posted 14 July 2004 - 10:33 PM

Dear Barend,

Every night this damned yip-dog next door barks incessantly, and I can't sleep. I've tried bottles of sleeping pills, ear plugs, sound proofing my entire house. I even hired a guy to shoot the mutt, but now it just whines from the bullet wound when it's not barking. It's so bad I take an entire bottle of speed pills dissolved in Jolt Cola just to keep up at work. I feel like Judy Garland, or some other person who uses depressants and stimulants every day to function properly. What can I do, short of moving away?

Oh, and who won the all-star game this year?

Sleepless in New York

This post has been edited by Slade: 14 July 2004 - 10:39 PM

This space for rent. Inquire within.

#57 Emu

the internets

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Posted 15 July 2004 - 06:38 PM

Barend,

A horde of moths of the kamikaze variety have invaded my house. What should I do?

--Moth-Plagued

Head Gunner for the Royal Sloop Crimson Steel, Queen of the Dead, Instigator of Chaos and Confusion, Knight of the Grand Recursive Order of the Lambda Calculus, and also The Non.

Remember Emu's face, people; one day it's going to be on the news alongside a headline about blowing some landmark to smithereens, and then we can all sigh and say, "She was such a normal person".....
....We'd be lying though.
-Laughlyn

If my doctor tells me to exercise, I am going to force him to do my homework.
-Mirithorn

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#58 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

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Country:Australia

Posted 16 July 2004 - 12:32 AM

dear Sleepless in New York,

you're on the right track

QUOTE

I've tried bottles of sleeping pills, ear plugs, sound proofing my entire house. I even hired a guy to shoot the mutt, but now it just whines from the bullet wound when it's not barking.

just the wrong aplication of each...
sleeping pills? ...try giving them to the dog.
ear plugs? ...try head phones, listen to loud music.
sound proofing? ...build a small doghouse with no door and soundproof that, give it to your neighbour.
shooting the mut? ...shoot the owner!

your dogloving pal (get it, as in the dog food PAL?)
Barend
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear Moth-Plagued,

turn all your indoor lights into those blue zappy ones! it'll make your house look and sound like a german night club!

Moth balls n' all
barend

This post has been edited by barend: 16 July 2004 - 12:33 AM

#59 SimeSublime

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Posted 05 November 2004 - 12:52 AM

Dear Barend,
Say that a candidate whos policies I don't agree with gets elected into office. What should I do?
-Seaching for a Sniper Rifle

The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?

#60 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

Group: Crappy News Team
Posts: 11,839
Joined: 12-November 03
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Interests:The Beers of Western Europe, Cognac, and constantly claiming the world would have been a better place if Napoleon had won.
Country:Australia

Posted 05 November 2004 - 07:02 AM

dear searching....

write in to all creditcard companies and banks and tell them you and millions of others will boycot their company unless they refuse service to any one who voted for the guy you don't like...

god bless democracy!!!!

your facist friend Barend.