[Otal Nimrodi]

Dear Barend

Why can't I hear well out of my left ear, and does it have something to do with Officer B's peanut-butter earwax?

[barend]

B)-->

Barend,

Why does my earwax smell like peanut butter?

Sincerely,

Officer B
[/quote]

it IS penut butter.

try not to fall asleep when making sandwiches.

Dear Barend

Why can't I hear well out of my left ear, and does it have something to do with Officer B's peanut-butter earwax?

no, it doesn't. if you follow my instructions carefully and your hearing should improve.

1. pull your finger out of your ear.
2. rinse finger

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[Cobnat]

OH MIGHTY AND ADMIRABLE BAREND!!!

Will I ever get laid?

[barend]

as long as we live in a world where you can pay women for sex... yes.

EDIT: I'll expand on this.

here some noteworthy point to take into consideration.

DATING: "no" means "no", "yes" means "maybe", "maybe" means "you're ugly as hell but I'm really hungry and broke because I spent all my money on shoes so how about you buy me a meal while i think up a creative excuse to say no without completley destroying your ego"

INTOXICATION: women have no social skills. Well... to be more fair, women have focused all their flirtying skills on getting dicounts on clothing, getting out of traffic tickets, and enslaving men, to such an extent they have forgotten how to 'pick up'... plus they fear rejection so badly that despite the sexual equality movement, they still expect men to ask them out and make the first move despite a complete lack of progressive feedback on their end.

As a result women just find it easier to get drunk. If you're the person that got them drunk then at least you have a 13.4% chance of being the guy she take home or pretends to be drunker than she is just to get laid without having her 'ladylikeness' questioned. (ie. so her friends will say: " oh she was drunk." rather than "oh, she's a slut."). Girls also like to see men waste money on them (which is why they like flowers, particulary roses, so much. because they cost hard-earned money, look pretty, and die in week). It's not a perfect system, but men are cowards and getting drunk seems to help their confidence... and help the ugly ones forget that they came out to pick up in the first place and just enjoy the amber fluid ride.

ALTERNATIVES: but remember as black holes are to white holes , as vacuums are to leaf blowers, women are to ATMs in the long run... so you might be better of buying some porn and rolling a joint. becuase porn doesn't leave you.

well sometimes it does... and when it does the pain never goes away.

This post has been edited by barend: 29 March 2007 - 09:49 PM

[Cobnat]

Well since I don’t want to have sex with prostitutes because I just cant afford to get an STD and even if I could I don’t have that kind of money.

I cant go to parties that doesn’t have a Playstation or DM, otherwise I get bored to death, even if there is alcohol.

I am broke.

I don’t smoke pot.

So analysing all this, it seems Ill just take your advise to stick to porno.

[barend]

Well since I don’t want to have sex with prostitutes because I just cant afford to get an STD and even if I could I don’t have that kind of money.

get a job

I cant go to parties that doesn’t have a Playstation or DM, otherwise I get bored to death, even if there is alcohol.

Then my anwser to your previous question is 'NEVER'

wasting all your spare time on video games won't get you laid (unless you're trent reznor)
and playing a shitload of D&D will prevent you from ever getting laid (unless you're vin deisel)

I am broke.

ask for a raise

I don’t smoke pot.

start.

So analysing all this, it seems Ill just take your advise to stick to porno.

fair enough, strip clubs are also great.

[Cobnat]

get a job

I am, I’m joining the Armed Forces, but first I have to drop to 107 kilos and hold that weight for 6 months, after that its a sure thing.

Then my anwser to your previous question is 'NEVER'

wasting all your spare time on video games won't get you laid (unless you're trent reznor)
and playing a shitload of D&D will prevent you from ever getting laid (unless you're vin deisel)

Vin Diesel likes D&D? You know what, I never really liked D&D anyway.

start.

But I don’t want to have any problems with my mind.

fair enough, strip clubs are also great.

I’m underage. Wait, how old do you have to be to go to a strip club?

This post has been edited by Cobnat: 30 March 2007 - 01:24 AM

[Egfu]

Dear Barend,

I have been challenged to a pistols-at-dawn duel. Do you have any hints that might help me to survive?

Sincerely,
Gutter-Crawling Cur

(Yes, I used an insult swordfighting reference even though it's a pistols-at-dawn duel. Sue me.)

This post has been edited by Egfu: 02 April 2007 - 07:35 AM

[Slade]

I challenge you to a duel, blasphemer! (No, not really. I just thought it would be fun for you to have to fight two duels.)

[barend]

Dear Barend,

I have been challenged to a pistols-at-dawn duel. Do you have any hints that might help me to survive?

Sincerely,
Gutter-Crawling Cur

(Yes, I used an insult swordfighting reference even though it's a pistols-at-dawn duel. Sue me.)

Dear Gutter-Crawling Cur,

I recomend a cigarrillo case. a small metal box for carrying cigarettes. place it in the inside pocket of your jacket so it vaguely covers a tiny portion of your chest. The small case will catch the bullet but send you back, technically it will be a loss, but you'll survive and honor will be served.

however if it's a victory you're after, then when the mediator is counting out the ten paces, turn and fire at the count of the third pace shooting your opponent in the back. while the mediator is realing in shock from your ungentmanley display of dishonor, quickly pick up your dead opponents pistol and shoot the mediator with it.

yours uncivilisedly,
Barend, the count of MonteCrossfire

[Otal Nimrodi]

Dear Barend

I challenged this guy to a pistol duel at dawn. However, now I have reason to suspect he'll shoot me in the back before the mediator finishes counting. How should I fix this problem?

[Cobnat]

OH MIGHTY BAREND!

What’s up with Howard?

[Supes]

I recomend a cigarrillo case. a small metal box for carrying cigarettes. place it in the inside pocket of your jacket so it vaguely covers a tiny portion of your chest. The small case will catch the bullet but send you back, technically it will be a loss, but you'll survive and honor will be served.

We are pleased indeed that the all knowing Barend is well versed in the Histories of the family Blackadder. It does indeed serve your advice giving column

Oh and Otal - put your jacket with the cigarrillo case on backwards!

[Jane Sherwood]

Or, when he offers you the guns, you kick him in the nuts and set fire to the building (or field, wherever you are). In the confusion you claim a draw.

[barend]

Dear Barend

I challenged this guy to a pistol duel at dawn. However, now I have reason to suspect he'll shoot me in the back before the mediator finishes counting. How should I fix this problem?

Oh dear, how uncivilised.

Well there's nothing else for it, you'll have to cheat as well. When the mediator is counting out the ten paces, turn and fire when he yells "seven". That ought to fix the little blighter.

We are pleased indeed that the all knowing Barend is well versed in the Histories of the family Blackadder. It does indeed serve your advice giving column

'tis also a thing of lore. along with the china doll surviving a planecrash.

but you are right, i am well versed in the legend of Le Adder Noir.

This post has been edited by barend: 03 April 2007 - 06:57 PM