[Slade]

Dear Barend,
Apparently there's this large costume party at one of those evil castles inhabited by a malevolent Dark Lord. I was wondering what the best way would be to crash such a party and kill everyone inside in the most entertaining ways possible while keeping their tasty spleens intact is.

Choppingly yours,
Butch R.

This post has been edited by Slade: 27 October 2005 - 08:07 PM

[barend]

Dear Barend,
Why does my math teacher say 'Pie R squared'? Pie are not square! Pie are circles! Cake is sometimes square, so are brownies! So why isn't it 'Cake/Brownie R Squared?'

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear ...uh.. confused,

that observation is awsome!!!

you should be teaching that math class! (but not english).

B

Dear Barend me old cock-a-leeky-mate-flap-sparrow-cockney-rhyming-bollocks,

May I usurp you and direct Stan here..... Pie R square.  Pie R nice too.

Regards,
U. Surper

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear U. Surper...

you may.

Barend your old cock-a-leeky-mate-flap-sparrow-cockney-rhyming-bollocks.

Dear Barend,

I am attending a certain Dark Lord Otal's party in the near future.  Since it is a costume party,  I decided I'd try to be clever and dress up as a paladin.  When I reached his castle, to my horror, I found that a number of other guests were wearing exactly the same costume!  What can I do to make this situation less embarassing?

-Socially Concious Villain

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dear Socially Concious Villain,

i'd say wait it out...

i don't think they'll be there for much longer...

oh... and if otal offers to show you his basement, take a rain check.

taking care of business
Barend.

Dear barend.

An aquaintance of mine (a dark lord) is having a party, and it seems that everyone except me is invited. How can I let them know that talking about the party that I am not welcome at in front of me is rude, and hurtful? And how can I exact my revenge on this group?

Lonely-ly yours,
Heartbroken in Hoboken.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Heartbroken in Hoboken,

my invite says "+ other" so be ready in five minutes...

and for Baal's sake don't go as a paladin.

Barend.

Dear barend,

Some henchmen are attempting to cut off our balls and feed them to us.  On top of that, we still haven't found the anti-hero collection.  I was wondering if you could point us in the right direction.  Also, if you may know where the lord of this manor is at, I would like to file a complaint.  His followers didn't even let us think that are diguises had worked.  That is some very sloppy villainy if you ask me.

Heroically yours

-annoying do-gooder

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear annoying do-gooder,

drink some more of the non-alcoholic punch and everything will be fine...

oh and FYI once your vision fades out, ignor that bone sawing sound...
that's just eh... renovations.

yes that will do...

-your good friend Barend
PARTY SAVERRRR...

Dear barend:

By orders of my Majesty the Dark Lord Otal, I'm leading a band of guards in a chase of some do-gooders with the objective of feeding them with their balls, prior cutting them free from their bodies. I was wondering, what appliance could I use to make my task enjoyable, easy, not-cliche, and really painful for them, all at the same time?

Yours truly,

Hechman of Dark Lord Otal

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dearest Hechman of Dark Lord Otal,

a meat tenderizer! a hammer! or posibbly, for ironic value, a shrimping spork!!!

Barend.

Dear Barend,

I can't find my packet of smokes. Do you have any idea where it went?

Yours,
John McLane

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear John,

eh... i think alan rickman has them...

yes... go kill alan.

barend

Dear Barend.

Amongst the Paladins and wizards, I saw my friend Mirithorn. Has she betrayed me? Did she think that she was being clever dressing as a paladin? And do you know why mail coaches no longer deliver to Dorothy's house?

Lord Otal the Dark.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Lord Otal the Dark,

Mirithorn? yeah, possibly, i whatever...

as for the mail coaches...

it's hard to say... it is a long mail route to her place...

let's see...

first there's Gerald the cannibal's hut, then Morkunuhs the Hellhound breeder's place, there's also Krunchor the angry dragon, Baal god of murder, Grug the mailman eater, Horgart the flayer, not to mention Azuruth the coach exploder, before you get finnally get to the house of Dorothy the better-be-wearing-something-skimpy-when-i-get-there.


so who knows...?

-Barend.

This post has been edited by barend: 27 October 2005 - 07:24 PM

[Mirithorn]

Dear Barend,

I recently created a roleplay only to find that two people who did not have the foggiest idea how to roleplay and took things over for themselves had joined. What kind of warning can I put on my roleplay descriptions that will discourage such as these from posting, but not intimidate creative people who can't spell? What can I do to tell these people in the gentlest possible way that they should leave my board?

Sincerely,

Person-Imitating-People-Who-Write- To-Etiquette-Help-Columns

[Otal Nimrodi]

Dear Barend

How was the party?

-Lord Otal the Dark.

[Chyld]

Dear Lord Barend,

Is there any way to make my fucking housemates do the fucking washing up, or do I have to invest in webcams, tazers, and bullwhips?

Yours, Seriously-Guys-You're-All-Starting-To-Piss-Me-Off

[barend]

Dear Barend,

I recently created a roleplay only to find that two people who did not have the foggiest idea how to roleplay and took things over for themselves had joined. What kind of warning can I put on my roleplay descriptions that will discourage such as these from posting, but not intimidate creative people who can't spell? What can I do to tell these people in the gentlest possible way that they should leave my board?

Sincerely,

Person-Imitating-People-Who-Write- To-Etiquette-Help-Columns

Dear Person-Imitating-People-Who-Write- To-Etiquette-Help-Columns,

i recomend specifically inviting those you do not wish to attend with invatations that include increadibly unsubtle homoerotic imagry. send these invites to only those you wish not to attend or your group of players may wish the game to take an angle that conflicts with you designs.

-Barend

Dear Barend

How was the party?

-Lord Otal the Dark.

awsome, awsome to the max!

not only did i have a great time but i scored alot of armour that i sold in helmsdeep.
there is however a pile of holy-avenger brad paladin swords that i can't move because everytime i try to touch them i get a blinding headache and get badly elctrocuted by a bolt from the heavens...

still, got some girls phone numbers and all...

cheers

Dear Lord Barend,

Is there any way to make my fucking housemates do the fucking washing up, or do I have to invest in webcams, tazers, and bullwhips?

Yours, Seriously-Guys-You're-All-Starting-To-Piss-Me-Off

Dear Seriously-Guys-You're-All-Starting-To-Piss-Me-Off,

webcams in the bathrooms AND in their bedrooms might be the way to go.

with the money you make you can hire a maid. or just tell them to throw the dishes out the window and keep buying new ones.

-barend

[Mirithorn]

Dear barend,

When referring to members who do not have capitalized usernames, should you capitalize their usernames?

-Too lazy to think up a creative name

[Wayne]

Dear Barend,
Who would win in a fight between Brian Gibson and Les Claypool?
Sincerely,
Best Question I could come up with.

[barend]

Dear barend,

When referring to members who do not have capitalized usernames, should you capitalize their usernames?

-Too lazy to think up a creative name

dear Too lazy to think up a creative name,

capitol question.

AH AHAHH AHAHHA HAHAHAH AHHAHA AHAHA HAHAHA AHAHAH AHA AHAHA AHAHA AHAHA AHAHA AHAHAH AHAHAH A AHAHAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHEH AHHA EHHEH HEHE EHA HAHAH AHH AHAH AAH AH AH OHOHO AHAHAHHA AHA HEHEH HA HAHHEHEHA HHAHA H H HAW HAW HAWHWHWH HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAH AHA HEHEHEH EHIHIHI HAHAHHHAHAH HA HAH HOWO OWO OW OW OW WO WO WHAW HAW HAW HEH heh hmmm....

i hope that was helpful.

Dear Barend,
Who would win in a fight between Brian Gibson and Les Claypool?
Sincerely,
Best Question I could come up with.

Dearest Best Question I could come up with,

Les Claypool. he's totally a giant physically. and he plays five string basses which are heavier... so i'm assuming that's a little more strngth too...


-barend

[Otal Nimrodi]

Dear Barend.

OH MY GOD! I just walked into my dining hall, and you will not believe what the partygoers did! It's a total mess! Do you know whose fault it was?

Lord Otal the Dark.

[Emu]

I think you just unintentionally implicated yourself

I'm going to stop babbling incoherently now and go back to studying math

[Otal Nimrodi]

Why did she think I implicated myself?

-LOtD

[barend]

Dear Barend.

OH MY GOD! I just walked into my dining hall, and you will not believe what the partygoers did! It's a total mess! Do you know whose fault it was?

Lord Otal the Dark.

according to the whell of random accusation...

it's...



revan!

[Emu]

Do you know whose fault it was?

Lord Otal the Dark.

I *knew* it!

This post has been edited by Emu: 20 December 2005 - 07:11 PM

[Otal Nimrodi]

That's not what I meant!