ASK BAREND... the Bad Advice collumn
#1
Posted 28 June 2004 - 01:05 AM
tell me what your problem is,
and i'll give you the tools you need to make a bigger mess of things... :angry:
don't forget to sign it: 'confused', 'scared', 'upset', 'attracted to my dog', etc.
okay nightlife i'm listening...
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#2
Posted 28 June 2004 - 02:01 AM
For a couple of weeks now, I've had my eye on a lovely lass that I work with. The problem I have is that I'm a complete git when it comes to dealing with the ladies. Please help, or at least provide me with some entertaining quips.
Signed,
Blubbering Ninny
#3
Posted 28 June 2004 - 08:59 AM
may i recomend getting really drunk before talking to her next. This will wash away any nervousness and shyness that may be hindering you. It will also disintermediate your inhibittions, and allow you to be more honest. Also, try impressing her with some stories of previous conquests, talking about your sexual exploits will surley put her in the mood for some blubbering ninny action!!! GRRRRRRRR...
Also, another plus is if you outrank her at work, in which case it might be an idea to subtley suggest that her job is in danger, and that sleeping with a superior might secure her seat a little more...
aside from that, all i can recomend is that you be loud and obnoxious around her... more so then the other men... this will make you the Alpha male in her eyes, and a prize worth winning...
good luck,
your Negligent friend Barend.
Also: The Chefelf.com Lord of the Rings | RoBUTZ (a primative webcomic) | KOTOR 1 NPC profiles |
Music: HYPOID (industrial rock) | Spectrox Toxemia (Death Metal) | Cannibalingus (80s style thrash metal) | Wasabi Nose Bleed (Exp.Techno) | DeadfeeD (Exp.Ambient) |||(more to come)
#4
Posted 28 June 2004 - 01:41 PM
Dear Barend the Quoted-in-my-sig
My biggest problem for now, that doesn't totally mirror Heccubus', is that no one seems inclined to forget the one time I threw up at the pub. All over the pub bathroom. Last week. How do I silence them with the minimum of wasted blood? A little baby might appreciate it...
Yours generealy slaughteredly,
General Slaughteredness
This post has been edited by Chyld: 28 June 2004 - 01:42 PM
Less Is More v4
Now resigned to a readership of me, my cat and some fish
#5
Posted 28 June 2004 - 08:12 PM
that is a dilly of a pickle! so called 'friends' can be very unforgiving of such moments...
there are three courses of action you can take...
1- become the kind of friend that people can trust with their emotions and darkest secrets. always be there for them... then the next time some one brings up your little incident in public, unleash one of their dirty little secrets into the mix... and see what everyone thinks... that should draw some attention awayy!!!
2- ditch your friends for a new group.
3- do something bigger and better to be known for. suggestions include:
- vomit ON one of THEM!
- sleep with a friends girlfriend/wife
- rob a convinience store
- take up streeking
- start dating a 12 year old, or 80 year old
- take a dump on a pool table
I hope this has helped, sinking lower is the best way to get away from a low point!
your chaotically Neutral friend
Barend the Quoted-in-your-sig
Also: The Chefelf.com Lord of the Rings | RoBUTZ (a primative webcomic) | KOTOR 1 NPC profiles |
Music: HYPOID (industrial rock) | Spectrox Toxemia (Death Metal) | Cannibalingus (80s style thrash metal) | Wasabi Nose Bleed (Exp.Techno) | DeadfeeD (Exp.Ambient) |||(more to come)
#6 Guest_Emu_*
Posted 28 June 2004 - 09:33 PM
- cross-eyed and confuddled
#7
Posted 28 June 2004 - 09:40 PM
To fix your eyes you will probably need corective eye surgery, however I recomend sitting really close to the television for the next 57 hours...
that should sort that prioblem out. as for cranial clomping friend, may i recomend that you wait One year to the day, and sneak up behind him and kick him square in the nuts...
and when he inevitably says: what was that for? - pull that face again!!!
however if was a girl, then you should probably just tell her her ankles are fat. It's easy, It's fun, and It'll give her an eating disorder!
Your Beligerent God of vengence,
Barend.
Also: The Chefelf.com Lord of the Rings | RoBUTZ (a primative webcomic) | KOTOR 1 NPC profiles |
Music: HYPOID (industrial rock) | Spectrox Toxemia (Death Metal) | Cannibalingus (80s style thrash metal) | Wasabi Nose Bleed (Exp.Techno) | DeadfeeD (Exp.Ambient) |||(more to come)
#9
Posted 29 June 2004 - 02:15 AM
ah, a simple one.
The wind must have changed direction while you were pulling said face.
Sporadic Hyperobtusities in thermodynamics can have a 'petrifying' effect on ones patricial facade if the the facial muscles are exerted in anyway. the best remedy for such an occurence is some home-made BOTOX.
simple gather the following ingredients:
-Paint Thinner
-the spongy bit from a magic marker (preferably NOT a Xylene free one)
-Hopsital grade floor cleaner
-bleach
-Draino (dilute in Boiling Amonia before adding)
add ingredients in equal proportions and stir with spongy texter bit.
secure a syringe and inject face in problem areas.
that should having looking quite apathetic in no time.
your expressionless friend,
Barend.
Also: The Chefelf.com Lord of the Rings | RoBUTZ (a primative webcomic) | KOTOR 1 NPC profiles |
Music: HYPOID (industrial rock) | Spectrox Toxemia (Death Metal) | Cannibalingus (80s style thrash metal) | Wasabi Nose Bleed (Exp.Techno) | DeadfeeD (Exp.Ambient) |||(more to come)
#10
Posted 29 June 2004 - 02:36 AM
Sorry to veer off topic, but i must declare: That's comedy.
- Hassan i Sabbah
"There's nothing wrong with anything."
- Philip J.Fry
#11
Posted 29 June 2004 - 02:38 AM
I have a major phobia about accepting advice from people, but i have this a HUGE problem that i couldn't possibly find a solution to/for. What in God's name do i do?
Acceptaphobic?
- Hassan i Sabbah
"There's nothing wrong with anything."
- Philip J.Fry
#12
Posted 29 June 2004 - 03:03 AM
if you have problems taking advice from people, then i recomend that you stop asking for it...
flip a coin.
or if it's more complicated write a list then put a D20 in a pop-a-matic bubble, GO RANDOM!!!!!!!!!!
or simply do nothing
your indiferent friend
Barend
Also: The Chefelf.com Lord of the Rings | RoBUTZ (a primative webcomic) | KOTOR 1 NPC profiles |
Music: HYPOID (industrial rock) | Spectrox Toxemia (Death Metal) | Cannibalingus (80s style thrash metal) | Wasabi Nose Bleed (Exp.Techno) | DeadfeeD (Exp.Ambient) |||(more to come)
#14
Posted 29 June 2004 - 03:24 PM
It is good that you are allowing people to post their questions anonymously.
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#15
Posted 29 June 2004 - 06:00 PM
You misspelled "column".
Signed,
Nitpicker
Chyld is an ignorant slut.
- Campbell Bean (David Tennant), Takin' Over the Asylum, 1994