ASK BAREND... - Chefelf.com Night Life

(28 Pages)
« First
←
8
9
10
11
12
→
Last »

You cannot start a new topic
Add Reply

ASK BAREND... the Bad Advice collumn

#136 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

Group: Crappy News Team
Posts: 11,839
Joined: 12-November 03
Gender:Male
Location:Nieuw Holland
Interests:The Beers of Western Europe, Cognac, and constantly claiming the world would have been a better place if Napoleon had won.
Country:Australia

Posted 18 May 2005 - 09:16 PM

QUOTE (floppydisk @ May 18 2005, 10:39 AM)

Dear barend,

What is the correct way to remove foreign objects from your nose?

Signed,
It kinda hurts, and I want it out of there.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear It kinda hurts, and I want it out of there.,

breath in through your mouth and out through your nose.

with great force...

...

...or suck it in, which ever works for you.

you could also just fing something long and push it further in so you don't have to think about it...

your unobstructing friend barend.

QUOTE (Icey @ May 18 2005, 06:37 PM)

Dear Barend

I've been having relationships for several months... Or before baby Alex was concieved. I truly do believe that our relationship is doomed, and have been in that faith for a long long time. I also, yesterday, kissed my boss's sister and I feel no guilt over it as I already plan to break up with Perla. Am I a wicked evil person and do I need a reality check?

Pétur the Worm

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Pétur the Worm,

living in a country with a population of 296,737... having an affair is a statistically nightmarish concept. the only reality check you've got comming to you is the one you'll have to sign every month for the rest of your life as you wave goodbye to your hard earned money (unless kissing your bosses sister is what you get paid for), there is no happy ending to this situation unless your bosses sister will be supporting you.

or baby alex get's a kick ass paying job in the next week or so...

Barend....

QUOTE (Laughlyn @ May 18 2005, 07:19 PM)

Dear overlord Barend,

Is it wrong to idolise individuals purely on the basis of their post count?

Signed,
Lowly soothsayer.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Lowly soothsayer,

No.

No it isn't...

not even slightly...

Barend.

QUOTE (Chyld @ May 18 2005, 07:53 PM)

Lord Barend,

Its eight hours until my exam, I've done no revision, need sleep, and have become somewhat illegaly intoxicated. Can you slip me anything that might help with Greek Philosophy exams?

Yours,
Red Eyes See No Future

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Red Eyes See No Future,

it's not like i can pass you a plate-o-greek philosphy, (get it?)...

but here... i haven't lloked though it yet, but here are some Test and exam answers that may help you...

drink some more...

History was written by the winners on their arms before exams!!!
Barend

QUOTE (BiggSpiffy @ May 18 2005, 08:23 PM)

i blew out my speakers...what should i do to fix them???

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

turn them up.

>>The Adventures of Heinrich Von Bastard<< (A Web Comic)

Also: The Chefelf.com Lord of the Rings | RoBUTZ (a primative webcomic) | KOTOR 1 NPC profiles |

Music: HYPOID (industrial rock) | Spectrox Toxemia (Death Metal) | Cannibalingus (80s style thrash metal) | Wasabi Nose Bleed (Exp.Techno) | DeadfeeD (Exp.Ambient) |||(more to come)

#137 BiggSpiffy

Level Boss

Group: Junior Members
Posts: 312
Joined: 12-May 05
Location:My house, on my chair, In front of my computer, staring at my screen
Interests:Mac Daddy<br />Track<br />Cross-Country
Country:Puerto Rico

Posted 19 May 2005 - 01:12 PM

i really like like this thread, but its losing its popularity very quickly

#138 floppydisk

The Amazing Bag-Man!

Group: Members
Posts: 5,325
Joined: 24-August 04
Gender:Male
Location:Beyone the Grave!
Interests:Movies. Books. Video Games.
Country:United States

Posted 19 May 2005 - 05:06 PM

Urm, no. It got like, 5 posts in the last two days.

Dear barend,

Why don't some people realze that you and I spell our online psuedonyms with lowercase letters on purpose?

Yours in namedom,
floppydisk

QUOTE (Theodor Herzl)

If you will it, it is no dream.

#139 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

Group: Crappy News Team
Posts: 11,839
Joined: 12-November 03
Gender:Male
Location:Nieuw Holland
Interests:The Beers of Western Europe, Cognac, and constantly claiming the world would have been a better place if Napoleon had won.
Country:Australia

Posted 20 May 2005 - 01:59 AM

my name IS barend... so if anything... they're right.

when i joined i was too lazy to press shift.
it makes it look like I only had one available hand at the time...

...like most young male internet users...

#140 rock_dash

Mini Boss

Group: Junior Members
Posts: 144
Joined: 01-February 05
Location:Witty location land
Interests:Anime, manga, Dungeons and Dragons, Video games, other general and specific geekery
Country:United States

Posted 20 May 2005 - 03:16 AM

Dear End of Bareness,
I have this lump on my inner thigh that I can't see, because it's kind of dark in the room. I can't tell if it's a zit, or a mole, or a cancerous tumor eating away at my life, or maybe a bug bite. What do you recommend?

P.S. On an unrelated note, I may also have killed a man at some point. Should I check to make sure he's dead or what?

Signed,
Lumpy Killah

I finally got a sig!

QUOTE

Oh God, I had no idea! How can they keep it going? You mean, Return of the Children of the Corn etc? Children of the Corn 2? Children of the Corn and the Prisoner of Azkaban? I Know What You Did With The Children Of the Corn???? Yes, it's horrible!!!!

-Some guy on IMDB.com just finding out that there was more than one Children of the Corn movie

#141 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

Group: Crappy News Team
Posts: 11,839
Joined: 12-November 03
Gender:Male
Location:Nieuw Holland
Interests:The Beers of Western Europe, Cognac, and constantly claiming the world would have been a better place if Napoleon had won.
Country:Australia

Posted 20 May 2005 - 07:03 AM

QUOTE (rock_dash @ May 20 2005, 03:16 AM)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Lumpy killah,

remembering that this is an annonymous column...
it is hard to tell by the name "lumpy killah" but this is a gender specific problem.

so... if you are a male (like Lumpy son of chewbacca) then some sort of blow-torch should clear up the lump... then rub some butter into the burn.

however... it you are female (like er... Lumpy LaRougue... the er... world famous caberet stripper), then this lump could be quite a serious mediacl problem, and you will have to PM me some nude pictures of yourself.... er... for a proper diagnosis...

also... re: your necrostatusly challenged friend...

incineration is the answer... aply gasoline and flame to person, repeat if neccesary.

king of selfmutilaion, amature porn, and murder cover-ups
the End of the Bar that cracked the head of a complete stranger...

#142 BiggSpiffy

Level Boss

Group: Junior Members
Posts: 312
Joined: 12-May 05
Location:My house, on my chair, In front of my computer, staring at my screen
Interests:Mac Daddy<br />Track<br />Cross-Country
Country:Puerto Rico

Posted 20 May 2005 - 09:11 PM

dear barend,
y do i deprive myself of sleep posting on the forums all night?

signed,
im tired

#143 Kirby

Zzzz

Group: Members
Posts: 1,543
Joined: 06-September 04
Location:Sucked into the gravity of barend's post count
Interests:Geeking out and nerding it up.
Country:United States

Posted 21 May 2005 - 12:40 AM

Dear barend

It is getting hot lately, how should I fight off the demon heat waves that invade earth every day?

Signed
Extreamly Hawt

This post has been edited by Kirby: 21 May 2005 - 12:41 AM

The Power of Christ Impales You!
- Tagline for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

You've read it, you can't un-read it. Stay tooned for more
TALES OF INTEREST.
I like to be part of the crowd so I want to say that Icey is the best guy ever

#144 Reader

More Important than Coal

Group: Validating
Posts: 1,279
Joined: 06-November 03
Interests:oh, this and that
Country:Nothing Selected

Posted 21 May 2005 - 01:36 AM

Dear barend,

Should i ditch the walkman (read: portable tape player) and get an iPod?

signed, "@/\/@|0g"

"Nothing is real, all is permitted"
- Hassan i Sabbah
"There's nothing wrong with anything."
- Philip J.Fry

#145 floppydisk

The Amazing Bag-Man!

Group: Members
Posts: 5,325
Joined: 24-August 04
Gender:Male
Location:Beyone the Grave!
Interests:Movies. Books. Video Games.
Country:United States

Posted 21 May 2005 - 03:29 PM

Dear barend,

Which of the new consoles will rock, and which will suck?

Signed,

QUOTE (Theodor Herzl)

If you will it, it is no dream.

#146 barend

Anchor Head Anchor Man

Group: Crappy News Team
Posts: 11,839
Joined: 12-November 03
Gender:Male
Location:Nieuw Holland
Interests:The Beers of Western Europe, Cognac, and constantly claiming the world would have been a better place if Napoleon had won.
Country:Australia

Posted 22 May 2005 - 11:07 PM

QUOTE (BiggSpiffy @ May 20 2005, 09:11 PM)

dear barend,
y do i deprive myself of sleep posting on the forums all night?

signed,
im tired

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dear tired,

y? i'll tell you y!

because these forums are like heroine...

everytime you forget to visit, you could die.
if you spend long enough away from here, your brain will seize up...!!!
besides which, sleep is for eediots. when you sleep, you are uterly defensless against all the subconsious advertisments your own brain will send at you.
you must defy your greatest threat and never sleep again...

your brother in sleep deprivation,
Barend

QUOTE (Kirby @ May 21 2005, 12:40 AM)

Dear barend

It is getting hot lately, how should I fight off the demon heat waves that invade earth every day?

Signed
Extreamly Hawt

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dear Extreamly Hawt,

i was in a 'service' station the other day and noticed a bottle of liquid marked: "coolent"

seek out this vital fluid, and it should solve all your heat related problems

the king of cool
Barend

QUOTE (Reader @ May 21 2005, 01:36 AM)

Dear barend,

Should i ditch the walkman (read: portable tape player) and get an iPod?

signed, "@/\/@|0g"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dear "@/\/@|0g"

hmmmm.... that's a tough one... perhaps if you purchase one for me and send it to me i will test this ipod and see if it worthy of your ears...

do this at once... (the 20g should do it)

your siloetted friend
Barend

QUOTE (floppydisk @ May 21 2005, 03:29 PM)

Dear barend,

Which of the new consoles will rock, and which will suck?

Signed,

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear

,

it shall be a tough call between the 'nintendo dodecahedron' and the 'commadore 64.1'

Barend

#147 Girdag Fireskull

Mini Boss

Group: Junior Members
Posts: 186
Joined: 29-August 04

Posted 23 May 2005 - 10:59 AM

Dear Barend.

Everyone I know has iPods, whereas I made a better investment in a Rio Karma and some Shure canalphones for the same price and much better quality. Just how smug should I act?

Yours,

Sir SmuggySmugSmug

#148 jariten

making the nature scene

Group: Members
Posts: 1,845
Joined: 18-August 04
Location:in the bin
Country:Nothing Selected

Posted 23 May 2005 - 05:23 PM

Dear Barand,

I'm nearly at 1000 posts, are you proud?

signed,

pwned111LMAO11111w00t!!!ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!!!!!!!

Original Reviews of The Empire Strikes Back

#149 Chyld

Ancient Monstrosity

Group: Crappy News Team
Posts: 5,770
Joined: 04-March 04
Gender:Male
Location:Not Alaska
Country:United Kingdom

Posted 23 May 2005 - 05:36 PM

Dear Lord Barend,

Really, what is the secret of eternal life?

Yours,

Merely Mortal

When you lose your calm, you feed your anger.

Less Is More v4
Now resigned to a readership of me, my cat and some fish

#150 floppydisk

The Amazing Bag-Man!

Group: Members
Posts: 5,325
Joined: 24-August 04
Gender:Male
Location:Beyone the Grave!
Interests:Movies. Books. Video Games.
Country:United States

Posted 23 May 2005 - 05:59 PM

Dear my dominatrix lord barend,

What is the best way to put out a fire - that may or may not be caused by illegal substances - without alerting the authorities?

Signed,
I'm not doing drugs...

This post has been edited by floppydisk: 23 May 2005 - 05:59 PM

QUOTE (Theodor Herzl)

If you will it, it is no dream.