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Chefelf Needs a New Computer

I am in a very difficult situation. My computer is currently going through the last days of its life. It's a very painful process to watch. What was once a new and mighty computer is now an ancient dinosaur beyond upgrading.

What makes it worse is that everyone I know has a better computer than me. Most of these computers were actually built by me which is an extra added kick in the crotch.

Things that are wrong with my computer:

  1. Occasionally when I boot my computer up in the morning it informs me that it has misplaced the operating system. This generally requires me to open up the computer and disconnect and then reconnect all of the IDE cables. Sometimes this works and sometimes it requires additional fiddling around and can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour to resolve. This is completely random and, as you can guess, totally annoying.

  2. My PS/2 mouse jack in the back of the computer is busted so I need to use a USB slot for my mouse... annoying since I have several other devices that I must continually unplug and switch around to get things done.

  3. The processor fan is so loud that it is like having a jet engine at my feet, buzzing and rattling like crazy.

  4. My monitor generates a super loud high-pitched noise which increases in volume depending on the percentage of white on my screen. It's very loud and it actually hurts my ears after a few hours. In desperation I checked the MAG website to see if they addressed this issue. I was delighted to find that there was a question in the FAQ that read: "My monitor makes a really high-pitched noise. What should I do?" Fantastic! I thought. Here is the answer to all of my problems! The answer? "Due to temperature changes the Fling-flangarismo coil may expand. Don't worry that high-pitched noise doesn't cause any damage to your monitor!" Wonderful. So I would have to feel consolation in the fact that the noise wouldn't damage my computer. My hearing? That's a different story.

  5. Some software problem will cause Internet Explorer to crash when I try to open a link in a new window. Re-installing Internet Explorer, installing the most recent patches, disabling pop-up stopper, none of these things have worked. It's quite annoying. Having to right-click on a link, select "copy shortcut" and then paste that into my address bar is far from ideal. What's more is that if a page uses javascript to open a new window I'm shit out of luck.

  6. It's just plain embarrassing being the go to guy for computer related queries and to have the crappiest computer of anyone I know.

So what is a boy to do? I can't afford a new computer off the revenue generated from this website. (Approximately $0.00 a year). I can't afford a new computer off of my slice of the pie! (Approximately $17.00 a year). I can't get a job because that just wouldn't allot me the necessary time in a given day to do the things I need to do like playing video games, sleeping in, napping, watching TechTV and updating this amazing website!

So I've taken the ultimate plunge and decided that I would beg readers like you for money! It's a perfect plan! gets over 100,000 hits a month! That's a lot of hits! If each one of those hits represented a physical person then each person would only need to give me half of a cent! That's half a penny and I could have $500 to get a new computer. This would greatly aid me in providing the world with inexpensive bitching and complaining on my website.

Will this happen? Of course not. Two or three people will give me between five and ten dollars and that will be that. But I will appreciate it greatly and probably spend the money for candy or DVDs instead.

Let me sweeten the deal by telling you what you will get for your investment?

Well for starters I will be able to continue updating my site and not have to take an unexpected and unannounced month off as I scramble to find a new computer when this one finally kicks it. Also you'll get your name listed in the Hall of Heroes where you will be forever remembered for your generosity and selflessness.

Remember this day because on it I have sunken to an all-time low.

C'mon! Show me the money!

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