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love: man's greatest fear


Some guys have trouble with the "L" word. No, I'm not talking about "lasagna", silly! I'm talking about "love"! About two years ago I wrote an article about People with Girlfriends. Some people (read: every female on the face of the Earth) got mad at me for it but I intended no insult with that article. It was merely meant to be a humorous romp through the daily activities of a couple. The girlfriend in the article was sort of a composite of all the girlfriend traits that annoy me. I just meant it to be a caricature or all those traits. Instead of amusing people with this article what I did was create a rift between me and every living female. Words like "asshole" and "misogynist" were being used to describe me by a gender which had previously been quite fond of me. Usually my friends' girlfriends were always very nice to me and often described me as "my favorite of my boyfriend's friends" and "nice Nate". Now I was a villain and a terrible bitter man.

It may be that I had been in a poor relationship or two but I always tried not to let that cloud my judgement. I certainly am not misogynist. I felt very sad that people were legitimately pissed off at me. It's one thing to piss off Star Wars fans but pissing off all women everywhere was something else. Star Wars fans are worthless people with no merit; you can't make that kind of sweeping judgement about women!

You know how in every commercial ever made there's a tubby doofus of a guy married to a really thin and attractive woman? In these commercials the man is always a complete moron, incapable of doing anything properly other than sitting on the couch and watching football while the woman is the one doing all the work and having a brain. I don't disagree with this portrayal of men in these commercials. I think it is pretty accurate but at the same time I don't take offense because I know that my future wife will not be angry with me because I spend all my time watching sports! That is ridiculous. My future wife will be angry with me because I spend all my time tinkering with computers.

A characteristic of men is often that they fear commitment and are unable to show their emotions. Men shudder at the word "marriage" and would rather take an ice pick in the eye than say "I love you." Usually on TV or in movies, a man faced with the difficult task of being forced to say "I love you" will actually stutter and cringe as he says "I l-l-l-l-love... yoooooooou" as if it is causing him physical anguish. Other times the man will actually say something along the lines of "I... you know... you!" This implies that some men lack the vocal skill to even properly form the word. It's like my friend Dave who can't pronounce the word synthesizer.

Well I just want to set the record straight that while these stereotypes exist for a reason I am not typical in this respect. I know plenty of guys that do act this way and I can't imagine why. I can't understand for a single second why a man would be embarrassed to say "I love you" to a girl. If my friends ever gave me shit for saying "I love you" to my girlfriend I would bring the error of their ways promptly to their attention. I do not hesitate to tell my friends how much they suck when they listen to Poison or Bon Jovi so why would I not defend my stance on love?

One of the things that really impressed me about my girlfriend was that she found the article kind of amusing and while it was in the delicate courtship stage of our relationship she didn't let it alter how she felt about me (lucky for me). When she told me she was going back and reading all of my past articles I thought it might have been curtains for me.

So if my friends are all around drinking beer and I am about to get off the phone with my girlfriend I will tell her I love her. I will not mumble. I will not whisper. I will let my friends cackle and yell and laugh all they want and then I will hang up the phone and take them all on. It's like when they all come back from a Warrant concert as if that was an acceptable thing to do and I'm the weirdo for not wanting to go. It doesn't bother me because I know that I am right and I am doing the noble thing. I know that if there is a God He would not want us to go to see bands like Ratt or Cinderella. I also know that He would want us to love our girlfriends. He would probably also not want us touching them until we were married but I guess you can't always please Him.

I am not ashamed that I have found someone that I love and that I thoroughly look forward to spending every possible minute with. I am not terribly embarrassed about being very happy. It doesn't concern me if my friends find out that I feel really comfortable talking to her. And I certainly don't stay up nights worrying that someone will know that I am in a loving and committed relationship.

This isn't to say that I don't feel like I have to make amends for my previous article about People with Girlfriends, but on the eve of Valentine's day I want people to know that I am thinking of my girlfriend and not just being some sour old misogynist. Also it would be nice if at least one other girl aside from my Mom and my girlfriend liked me.

My girlfriend is great and of course I love her. What's not to love?

She Likes Star Trek
Liking Star Trek is amazing. For one thing there aren't a lot of girls that like Star Trek. For another thing it just has geek cred. I know what you're thinking: Nate you just like that because you like Star Trek! But that's not true. I don't like Star Trek but I'm glad that she does. It comforts me.

She Knows Stuff
She's really smart. For some reason she is this endless resource of knowledge about everything! Movies, music, food, books, television. You name it! It doesn't even have to be a movie she's seen or a book she's read she just knows everything about it. How? Nobody knows.

She Loves to Cook
Most guys would think that this is no big deal. I come from a culinary background so I was impressed to find a girl that knows just as much about cooking terminology, trends and technique as I do. A girl that makes me macaroni and cheese from scratch is a keeper in my book.

Her Writing Skill
She was the editor of her college newspaper. She knows how to write stuff that seems like it was written by a read writer, something we at have never really gotten the hang of. At least I haven't. While reading this article she would able to see all the terrible errors in my writing that I dont' see because I'm too busy not ever proofreading anything! When I ask her to write a guest article she always asks "How many words?" as if that question has any meaning at all to me. It so cute.

She Is Really Funny
Generally I am the butt of the joke but that's okay. The things she says are usually too funny for me to protest. Besides, you know what they say when a girl teases you! She really likes you!!

So having said all that I want to reiterate that I love my girlfriend and I don't give a dolphin's watertight backside who knows it! I wouldn't even if I had a dolphin's watertight backside! I wonder what one has to do to get a dolphin's watertight backside. Do dolphins even have a backside? How do dolphins poop anyway?

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