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Chris Inventions
Chris Inventions

You may remember Chris as the loveable star of the first Lance & Eskimo Flash film entitled The Day Chris Said "Wicked Fine!"

Chris has long travelled the same road as the Brothers Redcloud. He was Paul's roommate in college, he travelled across the country having many adventures with Jacques and he lived with and performed with Nate in a band called Reverser. Those are some of the things that Chris has done that are actually worthwhile but above all he is a jackass.

He engages in espionage to get AIM screennames of girls you have a crush on so that he can contact them and embarrass you. When for some reason that girl is not appalled by this and becomes your girlfriend he makes every effort to engage in obscene gestures when you are with her. He uses Photoshop to alter pictures of his friends and distribute them to all.

But what he is first and foremost--after a musician and a jackass--is an inventor. He also happens to be the worst inventor in the world. Usually his inventions (which he actually believes to be good ideas) don't make it much further than the idea phase but sadly some of them do get put into action. Here are just a few of the ideas he's had over the years.

Hot Cold

Chris's Explanation: This is a game where when driving in a car you turn up the heat full blast until you can't take it anymore then you turn on the air conditioning until you can't take it anymore ad infinitum.
The Problem: Chris's game ideas almost always involve things that aren't at all fun and actually cause a whole lot of misery. What's worse is this game is intended to be played in a moving car. Having the heat going full blast in August could easily make someone pass out and careen into a ditch, killing both passenger and driver. Even if the car was stationary this game would do nothing but cause both participants to be miserable. Also there has never been a clearly-defined way to win this game; it is nothing more than a cyclic bout with suffering.

Hot Change

Chris's Explanation: When you use a vending machine and get change back it is unpleasant to receive it and find that it is ice cold. What would be nice is a machine that heated up the change as not to freeze your palm.
The Problem: This would require vending machines (Which for the most part have built in coolers for keeping drinks/foods cold) to also have a built in heating mechanism thus escalating the cost. No one in the world but Chris would find warm change to be at all comforting. Furthermore there is the problem that the heating mechanism could malfunction and people would receive white hot change into their unsuspecting hands. The result: millions of Americans walking around with inverted George Washington shaped scars on their hands similar to that guy from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.


Chris's Explanation: One person has a bottle of Ruble (vodka) and another person has a bottle of orange juice. They simultaneously take swigs from their respective bottles then switch and repeat. Continue indefinitely.
The Problem: Once again this is a game that combines three of Chris's favorite elements for a game: 1) No way for victory, 2) A lot of suffering and 3) A very good chance of death.

Wet Foot

Chris's Explanation: This game is traditionally played in a tent when it is raining out. The object is for one person to dampen their sock in some of the available water and then touch the other person with it. Touches on the face are preferred over touches on the body.
The Problem: I believe the problems with this would have leapt at you by now *.

*It should be noted that Wet Foot, like the other games Chris has come up with, has actually been played by Chris and another unfortunate (and clearly insane) individual. I think it might have been Jacques.

The Carbonated Toilet

Chris's Explanation: People associate carbonation with freshness. This would be a CO2 tank that attaches to your toilet to carbonate the water. The appearance of the carbonation will make you feel like your bathroom is fresh.
The Problem: 2000 flushes works on a similar concept except it actually does freshen the water and it doesn't cost as much money. I believe Papa Redcloud said it best about this invention when I first told him about it: "Wouldn't there be a lot of dogs with flatulence?"

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