Sunday, October 27, 2002
Except for a few stupid problems with by brain I am feeling a lot better these days. The problems with my brain manifest themselves in the form of uncontrollable stupidity. For example: The other night I got a mediocre quesadilla at a bar and ate it. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling really really sick. It eventually passed. So what do you think I did last night? I had the leftovers... and got really really sick.
I hate to contribute to making my blog be 60% about coffee, but this is the stuff that goes on in my life and I just have to write it down lest it be lost permanently from my memory.
I can't make good coffee. It occurred to me the other day that spending nearly $2.00 a pop on coffee at a donut shop is insanity! Coffee doesn't actually cost anything to make. I have a really nice coffee maker. It's a Starbucks Barista Aroma that was given to me by a friend a couple of years ago. Doesn't it just look professional? I figured out that for less than half the price of a cup of coffee that I should, in theory, be able to brew my own.
I do everything right. I use cold filtered water. I use the right ratio of grounds to water. I season my coffee maker regularly. I use only fresh coffee. So why then does my coffee always come out tasting like crap? What is it that I don't know about coffee making that makes my coffee always come out tasting terrible? Occasionally it will turn out acceptably but usually it's just barely drinkable. I measure everything out precisely so why is there this wild fluctuation in the quality of my final product?
I desperately want to make a good cup of coffee at home but I just don't think I have what it takes. The most depressing part of all of this is having my culinary arts degree lingering in my mind and taunting me. "Remember that coffee making class you took, Jackass?" It asks.
"Yeah," I reply. "And I used to make all of these slammin' cappuccinos and espressos all the time and they were delicious."
"Remember that flaming coffee?"
"That was cool."
"I know. So how come I can still cook really well at home but making coffee just doesn't work at all?"
"What was that they used for the flaming coffee, anyway?"
"I think it was Gran Marnier."
"Mmmm. Yeah, that was good."
Posted by chefelf @ 09:14 AM EST [Link]
Monday, October 21, 2002
Jacques's play, The Glass House, was the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. I couldn't even fathom what the play would be like before hand; afterwards I was surprised that I couldn't have guessed it would be the most Jacques thing possible. Jacques's brother did an amazing job (as the Jacques' type character in the play) as did the rest of the cast.
Only Jacques could write a play like this. It was hysterical! I couldn't stop laughing during the entire play. My only regret is that Jacques doesn't have the backing of a movie company so that he could makes films and get more people to watch his stuff.
I had a good time in New York this weekend and didn't even get sick once! Things are looking up! Now my girlfriend may be able to be convinced that I'm not allergic to her. Got in very late last night so it may be time for a little nap after work.
Work? Oh yeah... gotta go!
Posted by chefelf @ 12:56 PM EST [Link]
Friday, October 18, 2002
Well all the Lance & Eskimo problems were solved early this week. Go enjoy if you're the person that reads my site that doesn't go to Lance & Eskimo first, even though you don't exist.
I'm preparing to go to New York this weekend to see Jacques's play, The Glass House, and my girlfriend but not necessarily in that order. we're going to the 3:00 Sunday Matinee. Come join us! I am filled with anticipation to see Jacques's play and I wonder what it will be like. Since he is stingy with the details I can only sit here and wonder. I'm going to pick Laura up bright and early tomorrow and we're going to drink coffee and pee our way to New York.
I'm bringing my camera so maybe I'll have action shots when I return. I endeavour to not get sick this weekend. Wish me luck!
Posted by chefelf @ 07:21 PM EST [Link]
Saturday, October 12, 2002
With lanceandeskimo.com still experiencing technical difficulties (See October 8 entry for more details) I've found a large chunk of my online activity simply unavailable. As it stands I am in constant contact with the horrible powers that be to resolve this situation but still haven't even gotten the ball rolling. It could be down for another WEEK! Just think of all the advertising revenue that we're going to lose! We may have to only make $8 a piece this quarter instead of the normal $11.
So with a lot less to do online than normal I find myself asking the question: What did I do on the internet before Lance & Eskimo? The answer: Uhh... I don't remember. Much the same way I can't remember what I even used my computer for before I had internet access, I can't remember what I used my internet access for before I had Lance & Eskimo. I know I was constantly on my computer before I had internet access but I am unable to recall, even in the slightest, what I was up to. I know I used the internet all the time before Lance & Eskimo but again I can't think of a god damn thing I ever did.
So I figured that I would do a Google search for my birth name. What I get is 10 results (9 of 10 are about me!!). The 10th result is for a person of the same name who was arrested on drug charges. I'm glad to be the most predominant person of my name on the internet and that I'm also the most law-abiding.
So most of this was pretty boring so I decided to search for "chefelf" instead. Now we had something. This returned "about 423" results. Anyone who uses Google often knows that this translates to "actually 34" results. I found a bunch of them were sites that mentioned me that I already knew about (notmydesk.com, Polymorph?, FullyRamblomatic.com) but there were certainly some that I'd never come across. So I decided to go through the list and read about the people who are mentioning my work the world over.
I am also reminded by this about how my 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I and 64 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode II articles will probably stand as the most important accomplishments of my life. It's the only thing that's ever gotten me any attention in my whole life. I just wish that Episode III was coming out sooner so I could continue to ride this wave.
In a rather stupid move I have decided to link up all the Lance & Eskimo articles I refer to even though the site is currently down. It's just a habit that I cannot mention something without linking it. So if you try to click any of these links, for the next few days at leas, they won't work. I apologize in advance for the stupidity of my actions.
So here we go!
Star Wars The Phantom Menace Message Board
Here is a message board where someone recently posted a ton of quotes from my 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I articles. The person posted as Chefelf which was nice that I am given credit for this person's hard work. If he was posting all these quotes and crediting himself then that might upset me. Of course then I'd never have found the site. Thanks to whoever is responsible! My ego has never been more satisfied!
Stuckeyville.com Message Board
Here someone cites my words from Laura's article about jimmies to defend his/her standpoint in an argument on the matter. The thing that my culinary degree serves for more than anything is to solve petty squabbles about food amongst my friends. It's great that people hang on every word I say and then go: "Ha! See! I told you!!!" It makes me feel like God because no matter what I say, my rather embarrassingly small knowledge of food is treated as gospel.
Reasons to Hate Star Wars Rebuttal
This is from a really cool site called richardland.com. Here Richard rebuts all that I said in my 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I articles. I can't remember if he was one of the people who emailed me his entire rebuttal list (because there were at least a dozen people who did) but I don't think he was. His rebuttal is well thought out and pretty funny. I respect that he does not resort to mudslinging for any of his points. He promises to follow up with a rebuttal to my 64 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I articles and I look forward to it. Whenever L & E gets back up I'm going to email him in hopes that we can forge a friendship based on completely opposite views of the new Star Wars trilogy.
miniBB Authors Page
At the time of writing this there is a quote by me in the sidebar. It's random so if you go there it probably won't show my quote. is the message board we use for lanceandeskimo.com and these rather scary looking guys helped me a lot in the test phase of setting it up.
[CrackMonkey] remember orbitz?
This is someone else quoting something Paul and I had written in one of the first ever extinct beverage reviews of Orbtiz. That review gained me a lot of early notoriety and spawned the most obnoxious string of emails that I receive:
"I would like to purchase Orbitz. Can you tell me where to get Orbitz?"
People still think, after reading that rather unflattering review, that I sell this drink. This drink that hasn't been made for like four years.
This person lists me as part of a long and esteemed list of people who disliked Episode II. Once again I find myself being lumped together with people I respect such as The Brunching Shuttlecocks, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Tomato Nation, and Mr. Cranky.
Um... it's Japanese I think. This may have been a friend of Laura's from when she went to Japan last summer. They mention me by name! Hooray!
Someone mentions my Name That Beauty Salon! quiz. Pretty uninspiring.
Ask Jeeves Results
More proof as to why Jeeves just sucks.
Posted by chefelf @ 11:55 AM EST [Link]
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
At least 100% of the people who check this site regularly do so because they know of it through lanceandeskimo.com. Well right now we are going through a little problem with our domain registrar because they suck ass. It's very similar to the problem we went through with them last year at this exact same time. The problem being that they are incapable of charging our credit card when we owe them money and also unable to let us know if we owe them any money.
The problem is a little different this time around. Currently 1/2 of the people that go to the site see it in its fully functional glory. The other 1/2 see a site that says something lame like "lanceandeskimo.com coming soon! Check out our online casino!!"
So bear with us for the next few days as we go though our own personal living hell to try to figure out this problem. I hope all five of you that read this site will take note.
Posted by chefelf @ 05:41 PM EST [Link]
Wednesday, October 2, 2002
Ignoring my doctor's orders I decided that today I was going to have a coffee. The past two weeks have been hell. I've been going to bed at like 9:00 which makes me feel old and pathetic. This morning on my way into work I decided that after work I would purchase a coffee and drink it. Just a small coffee, however, as I didn't want to overdo it at first. By my lunch break I had talked myself up to a medium. After all, the smalls there are just TOO small.
On my way to Honeydew I decided that the best course of action would be to buy a large and that way I could drink half today and the other half tomorrow. I can't imagine that at the time I was really believing that because that's pretty damn weak. Needless to say I drank it all and I feel fantastic right now. My stomach is a little iffy but it's worth it. I feel alive for the first time in a while.
Today I spent all day at work fixing someone else's HUGE error. He didn't show up today. So on top of not showing up he left us with an entire day of work just to get to where we thought we were yesterday. It was fun and kept me busy but judging on everyone else's talk I don't think he's in for good time if he comes in tomorrow. If he reads this and is clever enough to figure out who I am and where I work then I have some words of advice for him: Run!
Posted by chefelf @ 09:14 PM EST [Link]