A web portal... for me! What are YOU doing here?
10/12/2002 Archived Entry: "Boredom and Ego Boosting"
With lanceandeskimo.com still experiencing technical difficulties (See October 8 entry for more details) I've found a large chunk of my online activity simply unavailable. As it stands I am in constant contact with the horrible powers that be to resolve this situation but still haven't even gotten the ball rolling. It could be down for another WEEK! Just think of all the advertising revenue that we're going to lose! We may have to only make $8 a piece this quarter instead of the normal $11.
So with a lot less to do online than normal I find myself asking the question: What did I do on the internet before Lance & Eskimo? The answer: Uhh... I don't remember. Much the same way I can't remember what I even used my computer for before I had internet access, I can't remember what I used my internet access for before I had Lance & Eskimo. I know I was constantly on my computer before I had internet access but I am unable to recall, even in the slightest, what I was up to. I know I used the internet all the time before Lance & Eskimo but again I can't think of a god damn thing I ever did.
So I figured that I would do a Google search for my birth name. What I get is 10 results (9 of 10 are about me!!). The 10th result is for a person of the same name who was arrested on drug charges. I'm glad to be the most predominant person of my name on the internet and that I'm also the most law-abiding.
So most of this was pretty boring so I decided to search for "chefelf" instead. Now we had something. This returned "about 423" results. Anyone who uses Google often knows that this translates to "actually 34" results. I found a bunch of them were sites that mentioned me that I already knew about (notmydesk.com, Polymorph?, FullyRamblomatic.com) but there were certainly some that I'd never come across. So I decided to go through the list and read about the people who are mentioning my work the world over.
I am also reminded by this about how my 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I and 64 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode II articles will probably stand as the most important accomplishments of my life. It's the only thing that's ever gotten me any attention in my whole life. I just wish that Episode III was coming out sooner so I could continue to ride this wave.
In a rather stupid move I have decided to link up all the Lance & Eskimo articles I refer to even though the site is currently down. It's just a habit that I cannot mention something without linking it. So if you try to click any of these links, for the next few days at leas, they won't work. I apologize in advance for the stupidity of my actions.
So here we go!
Here is a message board where someone recently posted a ton of quotes from my 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I articles. The person posted as Chefelf which was nice that I am given credit for this person's hard work. If he was posting all these quotes and crediting himself then that might upset me. Of course then I'd never have found the site. Thanks to whoever is responsible! My ego has never been more satisfied!
Here someone cites my words from Laura's article about jimmies to defend his/her standpoint in an argument on the matter. The thing that my culinary degree serves for more than anything is to solve petty squabbles about food amongst my friends. It's great that people hang on every word I say and then go: "Ha! See! I told you!!!" It makes me feel like God because no matter what I say, my rather embarrassingly small knowledge of food is treated as gospel.
This is from a really cool site called richardland.com. Here Richard rebuts all that I said in my 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I articles. I can't remember if he was one of the people who emailed me his entire rebuttal list (because there were at least a dozen people who did) but I don't think he was. His rebuttal is well thought out and pretty funny. I respect that he does not resort to mudslinging for any of his points. He promises to follow up with a rebuttal to my 64 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I articles and I look forward to it. Whenever L & E gets back up I'm going to email him in hopes that we can forge a friendship based on completely opposite views of the new Star Wars trilogy.
At the time of writing this there is a quote by me in the sidebar. It's random so if you go there it probably won't show my quote. is the message board we use for lanceandeskimo.com and these rather scary looking guys helped me a lot in the test phase of setting it up.
This is someone else quoting something Paul and I had written in one of the first ever extinct beverage reviews of Orbtiz. That review gained me a lot of early notoriety and spawned the most obnoxious string of emails that I receive:
"I would like to purchase Orbitz. Can you tell me where to get Orbitz?"
People still think, after reading that rather unflattering review, that I sell this drink. This drink that hasn't been made for like four years.
This person lists me as part of a long and esteemed list of people who disliked Episode II. Once again I find myself being lumped together with people I respect such as The Brunching Shuttlecocks, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Tomato Nation, and Mr. Cranky.
Um... it's Japanese I think. This may have been a friend of Laura's from when she went to Japan last summer. They mention me by name! Hooray!
Someone mentions my Name That Beauty Salon! quiz. Pretty uninspiring.
More proof as to why Jeeves just sucks.