Chefelf.com Night Life: rangwe - Viewing Profile

I got a monkey in my pocket and man is he ready to chee!

As Darth Faker gimped into melodramatic poise I couldn't help but think I was watching a Marilyn Manson Video. Two words sum up this movie: Vaudeville (short variety stage acts) and Grotesque (ludicrous or incongruous distortion of looks/activity). Unfortunately, the only audience intended for this self-reflective exercise appears to be the narcissistic creator.

Beavis, ready the spoon shot for the screen, please. Huh-huh, preach on, brother Rangwe!

That people actually believe the jedi mind trick that is compensatory double-talk for a reduced-for-quick-sale crap fest is hilarious! People will buy anything if its uttered using the magic phrases of "its better than tweedle dum and tweedle dee" or "this limb attachment is darker than the others - for her pleasure". Check please!

No, it isn't the best of the three, it is the *worst*, substituting that most basic element of mirth, "the fun factor", for a ride through the carnival House of 1000 Corpses. Would you like chick'n wings with that fright night, sir? What you get is a loong, dull parade of vulgar slapstick comedy routines where every utterance is mechanical, like the animatronix house of wax actors recreating moments from past horror films where the thrill was visceral and fresh enough to tingle your groin-stem as a secret decoder alegory for sexual excitement.

But this isn't fresh teen stag-up you folks are getting, its 40-plus posers woodenly extolling you to believe them when they tell you what a big fan you are. You're thinking lobster, huh-huh, yer gettin' Burger King!

Watch the two-headed Jedi with Laugh-track droid fight their way through Iraqi Droids with "I can Change I can Change" Saddam personality chip pre-removed for the Jaws-The-Revenge 3-D revision! Fly "The Goddess", the Gucci manikin with revolving outfits who recites her lines when you pull her string! Yup, its a doll drop - one doll, one drop. Play the shell game and guess under which Jedi Master's wooden cap a fine acting career used to exist! Feel the Emperor's horror as he realizes his galactic empire is made up of a half-dozen washed-up actors and about a thousand Matrix holograms! Can he tell the difference? Can you? Ain't nuthin' like the real thing, bay-bee. And you won't want to miss Agent Chewbacca replicate himself for a battle against the terroris....err separatists gleefully throwing themselves forward to the slaughter so we can feel "secure". Upgrade that Separatist alert will you, Agent Elrond?

I mean, c'mon, even if I buy the jedi = murder and hoes equation, give me some real base slaking of my Morbius Id for frek's sake. Yeah, there's lots of champagne in the champagne room, but I don't *want* champagne. Stop pretendin' like there's a plot here with Monte Cristo political substance and Rubicon moral decisions, I want to see evil *triumph*.

I already know that the heroes are doomed to die for nothing but an action figure remembrance somewhere in some kid's subconscious, so show me what a *triumph* for evil really means in real life. Lets see death camps for the virtual republic rubes-on-the-street who were allowed to think they voted for this better of two evils. Lets watch people fall into the gutter and *live* in hopeless misery, denied the swift mercy of the lightsaber to the mid-drift as they build bigger and badder Pentium Powered Star Destroyers. Those jedi "younglings" were the *lucky* ones! Lets see Vader living in a mansion, getting fat on life-support and Sciavo-brand steak-flavored eye-vee and getting his fried fahitas jiggled by MTV Rocks babes! How about Clonetroopers going on a rampage and looting museums of fine art down to size, plundering the locals for every orifice of delight, wallet-size included.

Am I really supposed to believe that a republic of senators whose ass was bought millenia ago voted for Caesar and *didn't* get in on the action of boot-to-the-head exploitation forever? The only senator complaining was Bail, realizing he missed his re-election goal and making some faux-liberal one-liner to excuse why he spent so much time doped up and doing Padme when Anakin was "away on mission". Go back to "Damned Yankee Land", hippe!

Who cares about Vader? I don't. Anybody here planning to model their life after him? Neither ordinary folks nor people who own the world would *ever* see him as role model or a "hero" of any kind. Why would anyone let their kids see this bantha poo-doop-dee-doop is beyond me. I want my kids to be *winners* who will support me in my old age, not crippled whiners serving some pretend evil middle manager.

Is there any sex in the Padme-Anakin relationship? Even of the lowest, wham bam thank you space-man type!? The whole world they live in appears devoid of sensation. Its like living with the Nazgul. Anakin looks like he's afraid his dick will fall off when he's talking to Padme. Padme looks like she doesn't even know what Pregnant *means*, let alone how it happened. Politician must mean something completely different in the Star Wars world.

The set-up is obviously that of a sex-only relationship, so why don't they act like it? At least then we could render a legitimate judgement of "I don't want to be like that/oh I'm so jealous/how do I get my relationship to be that hot". Padme doesn't even take her clothes off in bed! She's wearing the same maternity and beads LL Bean fashion she was in the previous scene! Its a sick, sordid vision of life, this anti-honest-I'm-in-it- for-the-booty and anti-real-life-this-is-how- relationships-work necromancy! Riker has more dick than Anakin for frek's sake! Send them both to the Porno Mines of Lexx for two days and call me in the morning!

I could go on, but I'm reaching my word limit and I want to save some spunk for the next attack. You have a vision of the damned, living in hell where they can touch nothing, destroy nothing, in eternity unfulfilled and unliving. The victims, when they are supposed to be alive, bleed not. The droids, who never dream of electric sheep and despite cries of pain, are slaughtered with glowing parody. The women, when they exist, are sex objects with no interests and importance only when they are suspected of being "tainted" by some other jedi's midichlorine count. Lucas has entombed his creation in a mausoleum of the grotesque, mummifying his own heart and casting it in bronze as a shriveled artifact somewhere in the DVD special features. I stand gazing at this theater of the absurd as the curtain closes until the next Stones preservation tour and feel naught but sadness.

To all the basher-haters out there: Its all there in black and white, clear as crystal. You LOSE. Good day sir!

- rangwe

<mockery alt="it's all about the funny">

Wank! The franchise is crumbling under blunders by the ruthless Film Lord, Baron Crapanoida. There are rubes on both sides. Merchandise is everywhere.

In a slapstick move, the hilarious droid rip-off, Governator Beavis, has swept into the Skywalker Ranch and hijacked Joseph Campbell, scholar of the Credible Story.

As the Prequel Trilogy Bashers attempt to flee the collapsing franchise with their sanity intact , two Stoner Bums lead a desperate mission to rescue the White Castle Burgers...

***

" Jam-Master Hannibal: Years ago, you spanked my mom in the Porn Wars; now she begs you to help her in her struggle against the Franchise. I regret that I am unable to present my mom's request to you in person; but my bong has fallen under the coffee table and I'm afraid my mission to White Castle has failed. I've placed hot Padme jpgs vital to the daily workout of the fan-boys into the CD burner of this Colecovision. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this filth safely delivered to him on ebay. This is our most fascist hour. Mock me, Fresh-Fly Hannibal; I'm only a dope."

***

YOUR TYPICAL PREQUEL TRILOGY FARE:

Anakin: Are you an angel?
Queen Amidala: What?
Anakin: An angel. I've heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They live on the moons of Iego, I think. They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.
Queen Amidala: You're a funny little boy. How do you know so much?
Anakin: I listen to all the traders and star pilots who come through here. I'm a pilot, you know, and someday I'm going to fly away from this place.

NOW SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I PUT THESE SUNGLASSES ON:

Anakin: Will you Marry me and Reproduce?
Queen Amidala: Marry and Reproduce?
Anakin: Marry and Reproduce. I've heard George Lucas talk about it. He lives at the Skywalker Ranch, I think. He's the most beautiful creature in the universe.
Queen Amidala: You're still too young to Marry and Reproduce. How about when you are a horny teenage stalker?
Anakin: I would be happy to Marry and Reproduce with you at that time. I'm am eager to Marry and Reproduce, you know, and someday I'm going to Marry and Reproduce.

THEY LIVE!

</mockery>

You may now stop reading forever.

- rangwe

This is speculative, so it is incomplete in specific addressment of issues, and it is limited to a personal bias on what will probably not be very good. There's no accounting for surprise, both in what actually works and what might prove disasterous. There is no underestimating the power of Lucas to make poor choices at this point.

*SPOILERS alert*

Revenge of the Sith

Dooku and Anakin Squash Match
After schooling two of the best jedi in the galaxy and beating Yoda to a standstill before outsmarting him, Count Dooku has the honor of jobbing to Anakin to make the point that Anakin is somehow "more powerful". This is grandstanding of the lowest sort, building up an invincible villain for the sake of giving a hero credibility. The only purpose this scene really serves is to wipe out the events of the previous movie so that we can "get on with the Anakin to Vader conversion." The separatists can now be relegated to the background while the escaping General Grievous can provide the chase for Obi Wan to follow pointlessly for half the movie. It is a testament to Christopher Lee that even with such a humiliating bit part he comes across as more captivating a villain and empathic a character than any other bad guy in the movie. That he is brushed aside after such promise for the sake of an inferior plot development only makes me like him the more, and the heroes less.

The Mortal Kenobi Finishing Move
The sucker punch of Obi Wan shooting General Grievous with a blaster has to be one of the poorest scenes in the movie. Its indicative of much of the focus on jedi violence I find objectionable in the prequels. Can't this guy win a single fair fight to prove his skill? That he resorts to the dirty trick of relying on a weapon as "clumsy and random" as a blaster diminishes his character. That General Grievous can't deflect the blaster shot is even more laughable. All you had to do then, to defeat him, was to lower yourself to his level? That says it all about the mental development of the jedi philosophy, and its influence on the "more civilized age" of the Old Republic.

Anakin Turns Heel
Here it is, the pivotal moment where Anakin chooses to consciously support the Emperor and walk down the road to the dark side. That Anakin is convinced by Palpatine to join him against Mace Windu, that he actually believes that malarky about the corruption of the jedi and an assassination plot is high slapstick comedy. You can't take it seriously at all. How could you, watching the Emperor bust a move against several jedi and beat Mace Windu back with the force of his mighty breakdance moves! Lets have Palpatine bust into a moonwalk with the force ghosts of Dooku and Maul scratchin the beat in the background. That Anakin doesn't ask for any hard evidence or investigate to see if its true afterwards even to cover his own ass politically shows him for a rube. The Emperor doesn't come off looking too smart either. There's no need for such terms as "Machiavellian" if every villain relied on dumbkopfs to help them at a crucial confrontation, their plots "revealed" when somebody finally makes a Perception check.

Warm It Up, Darth
After an extended video game lightsaber duel Anakin ends up in magma burning to the crisp *presumably for several minutes* before being rescued by clonetroopers for his fateful meeting with the Dark Helmet fashion designers. The campiness of this scene belongs in the 5.99 bin along with classics such as "Street Fighter" and "Freejack". Most actors after finding themselves in the crosshairs of such blunders commit career suicide shortly afterwards. We then get our reward for seeing all three movies: 5 minutes of Darth Vader hamming for the audience to the cheers of the geekboys and laughter of Triumph fans mentally projecting a bird-flicking Spock in the name of all that which does not suck. How does the prequel trilogy end? The defeated good guys waltz off the stage to their appointed destinies as plot-patches while darth heads off presumably to commit atrocities, much as the "Fightin' Jesus" did at the end of Mel Gibbon's The Passion. Yup, its time for kicking butt and taking names, yessir mister Vader-Jezuz sir. Balance has been restored to the Force. Where once there was only delight, imagination and inspiration - now there is also disappointment, emptiness, and disillusionment.

- rangwe

Love, Imperial Style
The romance between Anakin and Padme is painful to watch. Its immediately obvious that there is no chemistry between the two, which only highlights their mismatched backgrounds - a worldly politician and an adolescent monk. The delivery of their lines comes out strained and emotionless, as though they were amateur actors in a B movie. Is this deliberate, in keeping with the title? Since its the soul of the plot, it should have come off with more tragic passion. A love affair, as understood by the basic rules of romance, is suffering! There are no conlficts to resolve, either between Padme's political career and her personal life, or between Anakin's ascetic life and his raging hormones. The relationship never achieves any kind of believability due to this lack of grief. Its got the stoicism of people going through the motions. Lifeless, like the rest of the movie, like the rest of the Empire.

We Don't Need Two Heroes
If disappointment has a name, its the climax at the end of the film. Obi Wan, after enduring countless hardships pursuing the identity of Padme's enemy, is defeated without any sense of accomplishment. Anakin, after experiencing the agony of a forbidden love affair, the grieving for his mother's death, and embarking on a murderous rampage whose consequences have not yet been fully realized, meets the same fate! There are no important revelations. There are no reckonings with the villain. There are no signs that our two heroes have suffered for anything at all. They have absolutely no impact on the plot - everything goes according to Palpatine's plan. He loses nothing crucial, nor does he experience any hardship as a result of the Heroes actions. Why are these two jedi in the movie at all then?

Jedi On The Rampage, Part Deux
The scene where Mace Windu lops off Jango's head says it all. The solution to anything and everything is to use violence and kill your opponents. In contrast, Boba's head resting against the helm of his father speaks for the humanity of people who have suffered a tragedy. Who do you relate more to? The way in which the jedi bunch together like a mob and let themselves be wiped out by droids speaks volumes about their ability to solve problems and use their intelligence. They have to be saved from their stupidity by an outside force. How could they have been so short-sighted? Once the Clone Cavalry takes over, I saw jedi disembarking from the rescue transports to re-enter the fray! Where is the restraint, the careful planning and the cleverness of the wise? Maybe the sight of the trade federation transport taking off and then crashing back to the ground was cool-looking, but I was horrified at the wholesale slaughter and glorification of death this supports. The jedi all come off as mindless killers to a knight. The villains, by contrast, resort to guile and restraint to get what they want. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys?

The Politics Of Duncing
The ease at which the Republic is toyed with strikes me as the most disheartening part of this movie. All the failsafes that a developed, healthy political system ought to have appear vacant. Where are the mundane supporters of the Republic? Don't they have any spy agencies or action committees? Is the Chancellor completely immune to critics or media coverage? It isn't an Empire *yet*. How can one man manipulate so many people without opposition? He never seems the least bit worried that his plans will be discovered or vexed by anyone. He doesn't even show the slightest bit of stress that an important position would inlfict as a result of "the daily grind". From the Chancellor's galactic schemes to the problems of managing his office temps, his control over everyone is complete and total. By making the good guys and duped bad guys pushovers, the Chancellor's victories are all hollow, devoid of fear for or empathy with the citizenry (let alone the heroes). Why am I rooting for the Empire to hurry up and put the Republic out of its misery?

- rangwe

Ever since I started lurking on this board, I've been trying to formulate what it is about the prequels that is so unsatisfying as to turn me against them. The movies do show a great deal of promise and are considerably ambitious, with presumably the technical genius and financial independence to push the absolute limits (and force Holywood to follow the lead thereby established).

Specifically, these are the things that grate on my nerves in prequels. If they were removed or adjusted my enjoyment of the film would be improved, and I would be more inclined to give the movie a "thumbs up". In general, I think they reflect both poor decisions on the part of the writer and poor handling of the portrayal by the director.

Some ideas must have the proper time to "bake" in the mind of the individual. Feedback at the wrong time can crush the creativity process. But at some point the ideas must stand on their own and be "tasted" by another viewpoint. That too, is part of the creative process, because it acts as a balancing act. One can still choose to ignore the critical opinion, but they are doing so with the conscious awareness of the flaw(s). Thus, their decision is made (presumably) with more awareness. You have another layer of "completeness".

In my own life, this has proven time and again to be so. A word, an agreement, a snort of derision - all can have a huge impact on what comes forth. If you are truly open to criticism, you see through to that which you didn't notice before, *couldn't* notice before. Its a horrible thing to be humbled and realize you don't know it all, to turn on the defenses and try to clutch at your creation. The hero (or the artist) is the one who faces this horror and experiences it time and again, getting up again, and again to ask the question.

What is best?


***

The Phantom Menace

Everyone Hates A Clown
You know who I'm talking about. There's nothing worse than a really annoying person who doesn't get their comeuppance. Its quite an accomplishment to create a character that is so universally recognized and hated. In a different movie this would have been a stroke of brilliance. However, in this one, the character detracts from the seriousness of the story and prevents the audience from immersing themselves into the world. They don't know if they are watching a cartoon or a space opera. This obscures the other characters and drags otherwise strong scenes down, jarring one's experience of the story.

The Farce Is With Us
The explanation for the source of mystical power is a mistake. It sterilizes what was a source of subjective mysticism and ends up crushing imagination and wonder. By removing the spiritual for a scientific explanation, objective questions are raised that are never answered. Can you get an injection and be like the Jedi? Wouldn't everyone who could manage it become one? How have the jedi not become a corrupt ruling elite? Its a pandora's box to take this route, and ultimately unsatisfying because it is never taken seriously and explored logically.

New Kid On The Block
The child-savior is an unsympathetic character. He displays none of the traits of anyone raised as a slave, as reasonable people understand the word. He seems incredibly talented, resourceful, and unusually lucky without a single obvious flaw. In short, he is endlessly successful and therefore has no pathos. He shows none of the maturity or adult adaptations a child of his ability would require to be believable, and his reactions display a complete lack of wonder or even contemplation as he casually enters the realm of high politics. Since there's no threat to him, and he shows no concern over his adventure, why should we?

Jedi On The Rampage
Its disturbing to see that the Old Republic jedi so readily solve their problems using violence. They whip out their lightsabers at a moment's notice and casually attempt to coerce the minds of others with the reckless arrogance one expects of a slumming rakes. They show none of the maturity and clear-headedness of people who have spent most of their lives in discipline and self-reflection. Contrast the behavior of the jedi council with that of the Masters in the TV show Kung Fu. Are we really to believe that the jedi masters are this clueless or easy to dupe? They are the negotiators and keepers of the peace? Not only do they not inspire respect, but their decisions are just plain wrong.

- rangwe