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User is offline Oct 10 2009 07:47 PM
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  1. The Awesome Asexual list

    Posted 12 Sep 2009

    I am an asexual. As such, people like to tell me that I don't exist, nor does any other asexual. Some also prefer to say that anyone who identifies as asexual must be either sexually repressed or brain-damaged and incapable of emotion, like some sort of naturally occurring Cyberman. In response, I've decided to unleash a libido-destroying virus upon the world make a list of "Awesome Asexuals" that I can put on my wall and point at so people will shut up about the whole thing. It may or may not include pictures.

    Now Yahtzee has sorta-kinda maybe identified himself as an asexual, but I'd like confirmation of the fact. I would ask for confirmation of sufficient awesomeness as well, but I suppose writing the Chzo Mythos games qualifies. (Speaking of which, might Trilby also meet the criteria? Maybe? Please?)

    Also, if anyone can name another sentient being, real or imagined, who is both awesome and entirely uninterested in sex, let me know.
  2. Yahtzee is going to eat my soul for this.

    Posted 31 May 2009

    I would just like to preface this by saying that I am a big fan of 5 Days a Stranger and Trilby's Notes, and I thought 7 Days a Skeptic was fun and interesting. I was massively impressed (read: I haven't got a good night's sleep since I first started playing 5DAS). In fact, I probably would not be so quick to make fun of 6 Days a Sacrifice if the other games hadn't been so brilliant, thus making the ending seem kind of sad in comparison.

    Further Disclaimer: I do not guarantee that anything I say or do is funny, witty, interesting, or at all worthwhile. I am not responsible for any loss of brain cells. Possible spoilers for 6DAS. Also, obviously 6DAS and all associated stuff belongs to Yahtzee.

    (Go to http://kirel-kemmetm. ..e-Why-124392606 for pretty much the same thing except on deviantART)

    Possible Reasons for the Unfortunate Existence of Six Days a Sacrifice


    1. Yahtzee is so opposed to the mere idea of fans, fandoms, and fanbases that when he realized the Chzo Mythos games were developing one, he felt the need to crush it.

    2. Yahtzee wrote the script for the game while drinking absinthe and taking several different hallucinogenic drugs.

    3. Serenity syndrome: trying to cram too much stuff into one game, when it was really meant to be spread out (like Serenity of Firefly fame, which fell flat because a season’s worth of plot development was never meant to be crammed into one movie).

    4. Yahtzee is a sadist. There are only two things which bring some spark of evil glee to his shriveled, blackened heart. One is making fanboys (and fangirls) cry. The other is tormenting video game characters. Sacrifice does both at the same time, and does it well.

    5. Yahtzee is a masochist. Trilby being a kind of computerized persona of his, he took out his own self-loathing on this hapless character and everyone around him in as many creative ways as possible without really caring whether the rest of the game made any sense anymore.

    6. There actually is an Order of the Blessed Agonies, of which Yahtzee is a member, and Sacrifice is a simulator for the three agonies of Body, Mind and Soul. The Agony of the Mind is supposed to be painful boredom with some aspect of fear. Thus, your character hobbles at the sort of pace you would, in all fairness, expect someone with half their bones broken to hobble, through an environment which is threatening but somehow not threatening enough to make you, the player, actually care. The Agony of the Body is ordinary physical torture. This comes into play when, unable to find the password for the computer controlling the security cameras, you resort to smashing your face against the keyboard until you either find something that works or fall into sweet, sweet unconsciousness. The Agony of the Soul is supposed to occur when someone you love is killed. Since anyone who liked the other, good games loves the character Trilby, this is covered on two fronts. First, the dashing gentleman thief turned cynical and paranoid paranormal investigator is reduced to a clone army of never-ending cannon fodder, and not very bright or interesting cannon fodder at that, effectively killing everything we liked about the character; second, an endless supply of actual guesome deaths (and fates worse than death) await him, because it apparently wasn’t enough to pick just one.

    7. The building inspector was such a useless and stupid character that, once he was introduced, there really wasn’t anywhere to go but down.

    8. It’s all part of an elaborate plot of revenge against the guy who reviewed 5 Days a Stranger ZeroPunctuation style.

    9. Yahtzee came up with three different endings for the games and couldn’t choose between them, so he pulled scenes from each randomly and pasted them together.

    10. Yahtzee was bored with the whole project so he slapped an ending together to just be done with it.

    11. There were just too many loose plot elements for one clever Australian with a sweet hat to handle.

    12. This game is brilliant and makes perfect sense if you buy the full version. The free one is edited. Yahtzee demands moar monies!

    13. This game is brilliant and makes perfect sense if you are one of Yahtzee’s close friends who knows all the in-jokes you and he came up with at two in the morning during that one sleepover where you braided each others’ beards.

    14. This game is brilliant and makes perfect sense if you are a former victim/occupant of Chzo, because you’re completely loony already.

    15. Sacrifice’s plot was actually written by John DeFoe. Yahtzee was forced to write a game around it to avoid being chopped into bite-sized bits with a machete.

    16. A dumb and uncaring universe spawned it out of the eternal nothingness.

    17. The game’s target audience was Yog Sothoths. From their perspective, it’s a wonderful heartwarming comedy and dating sim.

    18. The Guardian decided that Fate wanted this game to occur, and guided its maker’s hand.

    19. He really just wanted to screw around with all of our heads for a laugh, and the real ending is coming out later.

    20. ...And the New Prince came to the Maker of Games, and commanded him, “Record these events in your Moving Testament, and distribute them to the masses that they might know the name of the King and his love, for each word is true and everyone keeps mistaking our tracts for the ones those Fundamentalist Christians leave out.” And the Maker of Games said, “Sod off, you’re just an alcohol-induced hallucination and I’m not...not taking orders from some fruitloop hallucination...oo, Branston pickle.” And the New Prince would have thrown down the Maker of Games, but the Maker of Games had already done a fair job of that already. Thus the New Prince repeated his command, and called upon the power of the King to instill fear in the Maker of Games, and the Maker of Games was afraid, and agreed to make the Moving Testaments.
    ...Yet the Maker of Games still spoke against the plan of the King, for he said, “Truly these other Testaments I have written are goodly and well made, and spread the name of the King and his love, and those who experience these Testaments shall never again know peaceful slumber. See, the Testaments gain great praise, and those who are wise and pass judgement on the Makers of Games throughout the Scientific Realm give offerings to them and know their greatness. But this last one will gain no praise, for it is more convoluted and tortuous than the lower intestine of the King, and suspension of disbelief only goes so far with most people. Also, Theo DaCabe is assuredly a prat.” And the New Prince was angered, for Theo DaCabe was the vessel through which the New Prince ascended, and the New Prince struck down the Maker of Games, and the Maker of Games knew the name of the King. And then the New Prince had no one to write the Testament for him, and had to take the blood of the Maker of Games to create a new Maker of Games, as the Guide had been remade, and the new Maker of Games did not have to be told twice.

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