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Space Buddies review lifted inexpertly from my blog

#1 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 02 July 2009 - 12:19 AM

Space Buddies started off rather slowly but soon turned into an over the top gem of a Bud/Buddies film.

First we get a glimpse into the dogs home lives, which are awful. One of them has a horrible white rapper kid and dances with him, one of them is fat and has a matching fat kid, and one of them, mudbud I believe, enjoys mud. Remember the scene in beethoven where the huge saint bernard shakes off? Imagine it with a scrappy golden retriever puppy only the puppy shakes, and then the shot cuts to walls and people being spattered with a bucket full of mud that is a different color than that which is on the dog. It is fortunate they got into space when they did, because any sensible parent would have had any animal capable of creating such a mess put to sleep within days.

Then the puppies, whose parents "actors" are long since dead, decide to go see a space port for no reason. One of them has a boy who wants to see the moon or some such nonsense, the others motivation consists of one of the dogs frequently demanding that they "come on." And thanks to the worst security team possible, they just wander onto the rocket. Normally Nasa would jump at a chance to seem interesting in any way whatsoever, but they clearly were loathe to let these guys defame them, and rightfully so considering such security lapses. So instead we get Vision company, whose control team is made up of about six people. They get to this location on a field trip bus, which they disembark by, and this is great right here, toppling an old teacher onto the asphalt. While she lays there the six dogs trundle over her, followed in short order by an entire bus full of youngsters. This presents two problems:

First, she would have died.
Second, there are people online who would totally get off to watching her die in that fashion.

We also get introduced to our villain in addition to those six, a smug employee whose job seems to be to sabotage everything done by the mission controller, captain Ferret pants. He also has a pretty clearly gay chinese secretary... thing. Not just gay, but I'm pretty sure there's an S&M thing going on there, because his chinese secretary is not permitted to speak, a fact he makes clear every time the poor guy tries to say something about dogs sneaking onto the space ship, or the uncomfortable position of his nipple clamps.

So yadda yadda, dogs go to a space station, where we meet our sub-villain, who keeps to the theme of ethnic or national stereotype evil doers. He is a Russian who drinks "Space Juiice" constantly. They CLEARLY wanted it to be vodka, since its also apparently used to fuel the ship, but the G rating has pussied out. When in my day a character could get drunk and smoke a cigarette in a G movie, in the modern day a character cant even be seen to drink space juice. So he pantomimes drinking from an empty glass. Then he wants to enslave the buddies or something. Then his dog makes him dance until he passes out. If you play enough bartok music a Russian will dance himself into a coma, apparently. Speaking of Russians, the space station and uniforms for them are awash in both communist red hammer and sickle flags, and oddly the more modern red white and blue tricolor flag so I'm not sure which Russians these are.

Anywho, dogs escape and BLOW UP THE FUGGING SPACE STATION, (the CGI for the explosion is actually decent) head to the moon for no reason.* Wander around on the lunar surface and are called back to the ship by a ferret. On the approach to the moon one of the Spacebuddies refs the Death Star. Speaking of shite dialogue, every line written for the home-dogg or whatever is cringe inducingly bad. I think he says hizzy once or twice. I cannot imagine the perversion of a life that is the existence of whoever actually wrote this screen play. Can you picture sitting down and seriously writing out:

"Int, space station, day time in space:
Cosmonaut dog: "He brews space juice to drink and also fuels the space station with it!"
Home dog: "We got to get the space juice to power our ship back to our hizzie, yo!"

And then SHOWING it to another human being???

*Actually the Russian dog says that it has always been his dream to go to the moon. First of all, no it hasnt, his stated motivation for most of the movie was to return to his girly named kid Sasha down in whereverthefuck Russia. Secondly, that is one ridiculously ambitious dog.

Some more stuff happens, meteor shower, and the fat dog, who is fat, has to fart his way out of the ship to fix whatever went wrong. Then they get home, and the bad guy is captured for sabotaging the mission, despite the fact that the sabotage of the mission seems to be his only employment there in the first place. The ending is accompanied by ridiculous news footage of the dogs return that I kept praying would be cut with footage from Challenger or Columbia**. It also had reaction shots from, I shit you not, a mexican bar that serves empty glasses of would-be liquer to dogs, and just as inexplicably the queen of england and her dogs.

** This wouldnt have looked right as the creators clearly werent allowed to use the design of the space shuttle for their stupid dog ship. Instead they just ripped off the design of the X-jet of Xmen fame, right down to the vertical landing stuff (it still has wheels though for some reason?) I kept expecting Wolverine to hop out at any moment and call someone "Bud" haha get it? I'm a laugh riot!

I cant even tell you the best lines of this movie. There are just so many. I think my favorite scene though is when the dogs escape. They steal all the guys food, and make him give them all his "space juice" fuel, then lock him out of their ship after taking his dog onboard. The fuel line springs a leak and he bangs on the hatch. Sparks fly and fire ensues. He is engulfed in flames and runs away screaming, followed by explosions. The shuttle disembarks and then the entire station blows to bits. Teach him to want puppies! The creators are careful to point out that he gets away in the escape pod though, but it just shows him hurtling off and drifting into the vastness of space Darth Vader style.... Like how when a giant plane explodes, you'll always see parachutes (explosion proof ones) come out. Considerate really, and also teaches children that you can blow shit up, and as long as poeople wear parachutes its ok.

Stay tuned thius November for Santa Buddies, the film that, no matter how much I beg, will not shift its third, fourth and fifth letters around for me. Just one lousy counter-clockwise rotation is all I ask!

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 02 July 2009 - 12:48 AM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#2 User is offline   civilian_number_two Icon

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Posted 02 July 2009 - 01:20 AM

What? He just drifts away? We filmed a scene where he crashes in a field, and then the Russian Army resuces him, and he jumps up and hugs and dances comically with them, with the leg kicks and all, cause you know, he's Russian. One of the army guys runs away from him at first, cause hugging is gay. It was quite brilliant.

They didn't show that scene? We rented a crappy fake Russian tank!
"I had a lot of different ideas. At one point, Luke, Leia and Ben were all going to be little people, and we did screen tests to see if we could do that." -George Lucas, in STAR WARS: the Annotated Screenplays (p197).
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#3 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 02 July 2009 - 02:58 AM

They did actually, but he was clearly drifting off into space when the station blew up.... Well, no, he was clearly dead when the station blew up, then he was clearly drifting off into space, which seemed to be the end of it since its hard to undrift off into space. then they brought him back after the meteor shower and the dogs had to bump his escape pod so it wouldnt burn up on reentry, and then there was the whole field thing. The saga of crazy russian kick dancing man is indeed a grand affair.

Oh and I forgot to mention in my review, but at the end the dog hands the kid a gawdamn piece of moon rock. Like, hello! Andromeda strain anyone? Why did the space asses let a dog carry off a piece of extraplanetary matter? Thats probably even less safe than letting pets wander onto their space ship in the first place, much less alloweing them to destroy billions of dollars in space equipment without consequence.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 02 July 2009 - 03:01 AM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#4 User is offline   Vesuvius Icon

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Posted 02 July 2009 - 01:38 PM

Although I have not seen this film (or even heard of it) I love the review of it's stupidity.

I'll probably IMDB this later.

Nice review. laugh.gif

This post has been edited by Vesuvius: 02 July 2009 - 01:40 PM

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#5 User is offline   civilian_number_two Icon

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 12:17 AM

Well keep in mind the target audience is retarded kids. And yeah, before we just go all stupid and assume that kids will accept anything if there's constant activity, dumb jokes and the odd explosion, well, these are the future fans of crap like STAR TREK and THE TRANSFORMERS. So SPACE BUDDIES is like a training film, a kid's movie designed to dull their criteria so they can put up with even dumber movies that are geared to adults. Incidentally, I saw STAR TREK and have not seen either TRANSFORMERS movie. I can confidently say the TRANSFORMERS movies are better.
"I had a lot of different ideas. At one point, Luke, Leia and Ben were all going to be little people, and we did screen tests to see if we could do that." -George Lucas, in STAR WARS: the Annotated Screenplays (p197).
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#6 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 12:35 AM

Being for children is no excuse for a relentlessly bad film. Even NASA wouldnt go in on this thing. The first Air Bud movie was maybe forgivable because the dog actually did that stuff. Then it began to get crazy with the sequels. Now the dogs dont even do tricks or play sports anymore, they're just five stereotype based characters that do things not to show off interesting talents in their actors, but simply because the plot decrees such. Also, if I recall, Air Bud actually had some sort of silly message about the dog helping the kid to believe in hismelf, or whatever. Not exactly riveting cinema, but something with sort of a moral and adults might be able to sit through it in order to see a dog play basketball. The moral of this film seems to be that if you're willing to commit galactic murder/espionage, something something something.

Transformers better than the new Star Trek? Zuh? You know not of what you speak, sirrah! The new transformers movies are merely a bunch of blurry things hitting eachother and then Prime says Transform And Roll Out once. The 1983 cartoon film was infinitely better and you could see what was going on in that one. Also Prime finally bought it. Eat it, autobot scum!

Vesuvius- thanks muchly, it cost like 15 dollars at walmart despite being a straight to video release.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#7 User is offline   Vesuvius Icon

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 03:53 PM

QUOTE (J m HofMarN @ Jul 3 2009, 01:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being for children is no excuse for a relentlessly bad film.

The new transformers movies are merely a bunch of blurry things hitting eachother and then Prime says Transform And Roll Out once. The 1983 cartoon film was infinitely better and you could see what was going on in that one. Also Prime finally bought it. Eat it, autobot scum!


This is much like Chefelf's review of the opening battle in space in EP III versus the final dogfight above Endor in EP VI. It was difficult to discern who are what was really going on in that scene. Although it looked great, it meant nothing.

Movies in the 80's were way better than the trash churned out by the mid 90's and on.

Oh and one of the worst childrens films I've ever seen (and couldn't finish) was the Pebble and the Penguin. At the time of its release, I even heard children give it a bad review. Heck, I remember some children that were fans of Pokemon actually hate the Pokemon movie! Kids know what they want and what they can talk about with their friends. If something is made for morons, don't be surprised when a number of children hate it!

For some reason many adults think that children aren't very smart. Well, truth is, some kids catch on to things pretty quickly. Shame on the adults that assume their age compensates for intelligence.

This post has been edited by Vesuvius: 03 July 2009 - 03:54 PM

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#8 User is offline   civilian_number_two Icon

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Posted 04 July 2009 - 12:48 AM

Yes, shame. AGAIN: Star Trek; Transformers; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.

When we were filming it some kids of the target age got wind of what we were doing and went into total fanboy mode. Snow Buddies was the biggest video release the weekend it came out. This shit floats.

EDIT: PS JM: WALMART!? WTF?

This post has been edited by civilian_number_two: 04 July 2009 - 12:48 AM

"I had a lot of different ideas. At one point, Luke, Leia and Ben were all going to be little people, and we did screen tests to see if we could do that." -George Lucas, in STAR WARS: the Annotated Screenplays (p197).
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#9 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 18 July 2009 - 11:52 AM

The terminator film I'll agree might be worse than transformers for the simple fact that it is so clearly unneeded, and was obviously never going to top Judement Day. The thing that especially urks me is that the producers of T2 literally had to have a few nitpicking fanboys on staff pointing out ways that the film could be left open for Skynet to still come back, and then when all those ways were found they exploded them or dropped them into molten metal.

As for the profitability argument, I gesture to the success of Transformers 2 (rotten tomatoes rating: 19%) or the very existence of, say, any movie starring The Rock as evidence that a movie being particularly popular is not at all any evidence of quality. The kids might have gotten interested in it, sure, but let me tell you a story: When I was a kid, me and my friends once threw a half dozen cheese puffs on the road and bet on which one would get squished first. We watched them to find out. for about a quarter of the run time of Space Buddies.

I got the DVD at walmart because its the only store in town that sells dvds, even though I had to pay 15 dollars for the damn thing. It was worth it to be able to say I've viewed and mocked all of the air bud or buddies films.

Now, since you're "on the inside" as they say, howabout seeing about getting the name mispelled into Satan Buddies? The plot can be modified to be a morality play about what happens when the carpet is peed on too many times, a moral that will surely help to stop the carpet peeing plague affecting today's youth. Everybody wins!

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#10 User is offline   civilian_number_two Icon

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Posted 19 July 2009 - 11:42 PM

View PostJ m HofMarN, on 18 July 2009 - 12:52 PM, said:

Now, since you're "on the inside" as they say, howabout seeing about getting the name mispelled into Satan Buddies? The plot can be modified to be a morality play about what happens when the carpet is peed on too many times, a moral that will surely help to stop the carpet peeing plague affecting today's youth. Everybody wins!

LOL Can't do it. I had nothing to do with SANTA BUDDIES. No sane person would work on more than one BUDDIES movie; the producers were dicks.
"I had a lot of different ideas. At one point, Luke, Leia and Ben were all going to be little people, and we did screen tests to see if we could do that." -George Lucas, in STAR WARS: the Annotated Screenplays (p197).
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#11 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 20 July 2009 - 12:09 PM

Alas. I guess Prison Buddies will never be made. And I had so many doggy style jokes ready.

One might think I'm biased against movies with a lot of sequels, but I have to point out that you can create a film franchize and still have it be fairly worthwhile. Shining example: Earnest 1 through Earnest Beyond Thunderdome.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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