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How would they have made the originals? A terror that can never come true I hope

#1 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 27 May 2004 - 01:40 AM

Ok here's my question. We are all generally agreed that the first three movies rule. I was watching them recently with a friend who kept saying "but that dosn't make sense" to which I replied "keep in mind, the prequels are the work of mad men" Amid the various mistakes I had a horrible idea. What would it be like if present day George Lucas went back in time to make his movies the right way?

The first thing I noticed is that none of the characters would have backstories except for humorous anecdotes so whereas Luke had originally been a young man thirsting for adventure and to see the galaxy, cosntrained by his uncle who wants to keep him from turning to his father's ways Luke would instead be just some guy who once stepped in bantha poodu. Also replace uncle Owen wanting to keep Luke from his father's ways with uncle Owen always having to save Luke from nests of toydarians.

Also C3PO and R2 will have their backstories changed to that they fell in some bantha poodu together and have been friends ever since. Princess leia will have gotten the plans for the deathstar from some silly villain, probably called arch-duke ferdinand, by resting them from his cold dead hands after a protracted lightsaber battle.

And the battle between the rebel blockade runner will now involve leia taking the pilots seat and crying out wooohoooo as she evades imperial fire. After the ten minute fight scene when the rebels are captured Darth vader and leia will have a humorous father daughter moment probably involving some puns on how he used to change her when she wet her pants and then she'll say he's grown far too big for his, then the audience will die which will spare them the scene where he throws her into a pit of bantha poodoo because she wont tell him where the rebel base is because of the time he wouldnt let her take out a speeder.

Luke and Obi wan, a guy who once saved luke's father from a nest of hutts, will meet Han solo and his comical sidekick, chewbinks who were kicked out of their community for comiting hillarious antics. Han solo will routinely flick his tongue out for no reason while Chewbinks baubles around clumsily and breaks things. To get to the millenium falcon they will have to fight BOBA FETT or perhaps a dark side jedi with four legs. After killing the evil guy Obi wan will officially declare Luke to be a jedi knight, since that's how Obi wan got the title apparently.

Next there will be a few pictures of BOBA FETT getting up and cursing his enemies and vowing revenge. His soliloque will last at least five minutes wherein he goes into various Shatnerian poses. After the escape from BOBA FETT and the anonymous dark side guy the six aboard the falcon will incessantly be talking about BOBA FETT and how cool he was. Jabba the Hutt will come and tell BOBA FETT to "kill Han Solo - or else" , that way we gain a lot of sympathy for BOBA FETT. It will never be revealed why Jabba wants Solo dead or what "or else" means.

Anyhow the deathstar will now, instead of blowing up Alderon, take out the rebel fleet in a really flashy and impressive battle. After this flashy and impressive battle we'll cut to another one where the imperial troops led by BOBA FETT are boarding the millenium falcon for some reason. As all of the storm troopers will now have lightsabers the battle will last for about half the movie. Finally BOBA FETT will kill off Obi Wan Kenobi and Obi's last request will be for BOBA FETT to train Luke in the ways of the force. BOBA FETT inexplicably will change sides and save everyone and then they'll fly in through an open window of the deathstar and blow it up after rescuing princess Leia. During their ride to the secret rebel base on Naboo Han will hit on Leia with various lines such as:

"Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"

"You know where I come from there's a lot of hot and sultry and moist soft stuff -wiggles brows-"

"I likes to stare at your tits"

After Leia boots him between the legs a few times they'll reach Naboo where the whole crew, including BOBA FETT are awarded meddles in a huge ceremony. Naturally Han and Leia will kiss at the end of it.

That's about as far as I care to imagine, anyone else have nightmares they want to share?

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 27 May 2004 - 02:06 AM


I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.

#2 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 27 May 2004 - 04:40 AM

I think Luke would be a ten year old. Chewbinks would save the battle of Hoth by accidentally putting the Falcon in an out of control spin that crashes through General Veers' AT-AT. Also, everyone will make stupid "Yippee" and "Oopps" noises in the asteroid field. Yoda will an obnoxious CGI with the brain of a five year old who's just fallen on his/her head.

Han will be frozen in carbonite so quickly that if you blink, you'll miss the whole scene. Luke will have a stupid duel with Boba Fett before he meets Vader. Vader will say something stupid like "It's obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the force but by our skills at kendo." and then make a really stupid war-cry .... imagine Elmo from Sesame Street going into battle to get the sound exactly right.... before charging into a really short fight. Luke will escape by a hidden device on his belt that turns into a sun-sail ship.

And Return of the Jedi... well, it won't be damaged as badly. Jabba will be CGI, as will everything on Tatooine. There will be a million more Ewoks, who will also be CGI and they will have a battle with a CGI droid army that uses giant blue beach balls.

The Emperor will be a stupid gungan who'll say things like "Weesssa so gonna kick deezzz rebel's assesss! Yipeee!"

The A-Wing that spins out of control won't hit the Super Star Destroyer. And the pilot won't be screaming. He'll be a nine year old kid, going "Oopps! Yipee! Oh shit" and he'll somehow crash-land in the middle of the Death Star and accidentally blow up the main reactor with fire from the engine as he starts his ship again.

And at the end of the movie, Luke will see the ghost of every single good-guy/gal who's passed away in the history of the universe, including E.T's grandfather.

#3 Guest_Helena_*

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Posted 27 May 2004 - 09:14 AM

I read a great Star Wars parody on, which rewrote the original movies to make them 'fit in' better with the prequels. My favourite scene is from the Episode IV parody, where Mace Windu (replacing Obi-Wan for marketing reasons) tells Luke about his father:

                        Your father wasn't much of a star
                        pilot, and not a very cunning
                        warrior either. He was certainly
                        nobody's friend.
                        It's a good thing he never
                        followed anyone on some damned
                        fool idealistic crusade!
                        He was involved in an off-screen
                        war, after several thousand solar
                        systems had seceded from the
                        Which was very mysterious,
                        because there is only one SOLAR
                        system in the entire universe, as
                        opposed to countless STAR
                        It's also a mystery why they
                        wanted to secede...that was never
                        explained. But they were led by a
                        Dark Lord named Count Dooku, who
                        was a former Jedi and a political
                        idealist and also very
                        mysterious, because I don't know
                        why he left the Order or what his
                        ideals were.
                        Anyway, at some point he turned
                        to evil somehow and worked
                        together with Darth Sidious, who
                        was really Palpatine, who would
                        become emperor, and this war
                        happened and your father fought
                        in it....I think.

Anyway, it goes on like that. You can read it here if you like.

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Posted 27 May 2004 - 10:51 PM

"OOOPS!" ha

I forgot about that. biggrin.gif

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Posted 30 May 2004 - 10:00 AM

LOL!! This is pretty cool.

First, it would've been called a post-quel with a title like: "Attack of the Dark Lord"

The Tantive would have been chrome. Captain Antilles would've been "elected" official of the ship, and wearing his oversized, ill-fitting hat, he would've stood at the window in silence as the star destroyer would take them in.

Princess Leia would be wearing four buns in her hair, wear makeup, and have a lot more colorful dress... in fact, she would've changed her outfit inbetween putting the tapes into R2 and getting the gun to shoot the Stormtrooper. She would also have handmaidens, but they would do absolutely nothing to help her.

All of the Stormtroopers would be CGI. The rebels on board the ship would be aliens, and CGI'd, too. We wouldn't actually see them die from laserblasts, that'd just be too intense for the younger viewers. It'll all be off-screen. Just to make the little kiddies feel okay and not be emotionally scarred for life, we'll add a cute little pet for Leia, too. It'll be called "Whoopie." It'll be so cute, it'll be in the camera so muchl---and so distracting, that we won't even be able to tell what the storyline is because you'll be watching him.

R2 and C3P0 will have an "adventure" through the bowels of the Tantive before they get to the pod. R2 will push C3P0 off a ledge, and he'll fall, a maintenance robot will catch him, drop him on supply transport. R2 has to use his rockets to go save him.

Finally, they leave the ship, plummet down to Tatooine. A bunch of lizard-like, cutesy-creatures will scatter as it descends. One of them will rush by the camera so you can get a look at its cute little face.

Meanwhile, Vader will threaten Leia. Leia will mention something about taxation routes and how he's being unfair. Vader will whine that it's "unfair," and that the rebels are "holding him back." Oh, and how that she reminds him of somebody..else. Hmmm.

When Vader's done questioning her, he'll leave using super-speed.

The droids will encounter a couple of monsters that'll try to eat them, but pure stupid luck saves them both (or is it the "Force?" Oooh).

They're picked up by Jawas who do acrobatics to get them into the ship. The acrobatics will be physically impossible to do, especially wearing cloaks, but with the magic of CGI, who cares!?

Luke will be five years old, but he'll be the "best space pilot, evah!" He'll be sickly cute and say things like 'wizard,' 'golly-gee,' 'gee-whiz,' 'yippee,' and 'I have an owie.'

The droids are brought to the Lars. There will be several graves of Luke's former pets... oh, and his mother, too, and the Sandcrawler will crush them all down. The droids will be auctioned off.. oh, and Jabba will be there, buying droids, too. Owen and Jabba will have a fierce bidding war, but Jabba, being a narcoleptic, will fall asleep and Owen will get the droids.... all of them. It'll be hilarious.

Owen, of course, will ignore C3P0 and R2 even though he has met them before.

Luke complains that he won't be able to join his friends for a "gooshie-slushie" at the Toshi station after Owen tells him to clean the droids up. In the garage, Luke will through a temper tantrum, saying that Uncle Owen is holding him back. He'll throw tools around the garage. He'll also confess to killing a bunch of womp-rats.. even the babies!

Meanwhile, Leia, suspended with anti-grav cuffs, is questioned by Vader, and then he offers her a position on the council to help him defeat the Emperor. And you don't know if Vader is a good or bad guy.. Hmm...

Back on Tatooine (which would actually be called Therboo or something), R2 goes out into the desert. Luke takes off on a speeder bike to look for him. He encounters a Tusken encampment. He goes down there, and after beating all of the Tuskens with a branch which could only have fallen from another planet, he rescues R2 from their torture rack, made from the same branches from another planet.

Ben arrives and says he thinks Luke has a high midiclorian count. He checks it, they talk about Luke's juvenile dreams of "visiting every planet in the galaxy." Ben tells Luke about his father who was exactly like him, when on some damned-fool ambiguous quest, and should not have gotten involved in...whatever...oh yeah, the clone war.

They watch the message which explains about the taxation problem in the empire and how they had acquire the tapes to blow up the Dark Star (the word Death is just too traumatizing to the young viewers). Luke agrees to go to Alderaan and become a Jedi because it's "what he always wanted to do," and when he gets his father's lightsaber, he says, "Yippee!"

They go back to the Lars homestead where they both are frozen carbonite, but safe... no need to traumatize those kiddies out there. Luke vows vengeance, or at least the key code to thaw out his relatives.

They go to Mos Espaa to get a ride to Naboo... er.. I mean Alderaan to deliver the tapes. After a dazzling display of aliens, even some H20ians (who are quickly slurped up by some Rontos--hahahaha!), they enter a massive bar where they watch some space football and pod-racing on the televisions, they encounter Han Solo and his friendly mate, Chewbacca. They are bothered by a young cad who wants to sell them "death-chew." Obi-Wan (who looks like he's having a deja vu), tells the kid to 'rethink his life.'

Han is approached by Greedo who shoots first. Han shoots back. Greedo's cousin, Slimo, sits down and tries to shoot him, too, but Han shoots back. Then Greedo's sister, Nympho, sits down, and tries to shoot him, but she stupidly trips over her relative's bodies and shoots herself.

Jabba, meets Han at the Docking bay. They say all the things which were said in the previous scene, but we get to see cool Boba Fett... heck, even Zuckuss and IG-88 are there, too! Heck, even a Neimodian is standing off to the side, and a rogue Gungan, and a house trained Wampa, and a....

(to be continued)

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Posted 30 May 2004 - 01:29 PM

I just read all of Darth Sillyname's spoofs and I can't compete with this... forget what I wrote, read what this man has.... frickin' hilarious!!!

#7 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 31 May 2004 - 12:41 AM

And here's a bonus since we're all speculating right now. This is the nc17 prequel to the prequels!!!

Shmi: Slavity slavity slave...

Mediclorians: Hey babeh, want to get busy?

Shmi: I don't go for walking masses of microscopic organisms, sorry.

Mediclorians: But I'm not like all the others, check out all this cool stuff I can do. -Jumps around and bounces off of things for ten minutes-

Shmi: Wow, I can only imagine what you'll be like in bed!

Mediclorians: Enough talk, let's rut!

Music: Jungle boogay deh neh neh neh, deh neh neh neh

Shmi: Oh mediclorians, your umm... matter, it's so, so crude...

Mediclorians: I call it my lil lightsaber. Oh yeah you have to give up your child to some weird robey guys who will come by in about six years. Sorry babe but I gotta blow, I've got to go cloud yoda's vision.

Shmi: Ok, bye.

-The scene switches to a massive CGI view of Shmi's uterus as a little mediclorian uses a lightsaber to slash through the wall of one of Shmi's eggs while simultaneously trying to fight off evil bacteria that are green and brown and each have four arms wielding lightsabers.-

And with the fertilization of the egg the credits roll. After the movie we see a preview for star wars episode negative two. We see the mediclorians and Shmi in a custody battle before the galactic senate.

Shmi: Your honor I'd like to point out Mr. Mediclorians isn't even a being, just a mass of microscopic organisms.

Mediclorians: I object!

Valorem: Objection over ruled. Continue your questioning councilor Skywalker.

Mediclorians: It's clear that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the force, but by our knowledge of how best to throw rocks at eachother.

Shmi: YIPPPIEEEE, You're on! -Hits im in the nose with a stone- Woops!

By the way, despite how it might sound I'm actually very happy with the idea taht Anakin was conceivedby mediclorians, consider the alternative:

Ringo Fett: Anakin, stop fighting my son and listen. The mediclorians were strong with me the night I bonked your mother, I guess it's some kind of sexually transmitted disease. Anyhow I had it, you have it, and your brother boba has it.


This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 31 May 2004 - 12:49 AM


I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.

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