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All These Chef Elves Biting My Style Thursday, December 11, 2008

#1 User is offline   Chefelf Icon

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 04:02 PM

All These Chef Elves Biting My Style

Periodically I like to do a little Google vanity search (who doesn't?) to see just what people are saying about me. It's something that I've been doing at least three or four times a year for the past decade. Usually what I find is not all that surprising: an impossibly large number of profile pages from various forums I've signed up for, a bunch of things I've written, a bunch of people criticizing the things I've written (mostly about my Star Wars articles, though strangely one about my review of a Saab commercial!), and some creepy weirdos who have stalker-like qualities. One thing has been certain through the years: all the results are about me. They're all in some way related to me and what I do here.

That is, until now.

My most recent vanity search yielded a bunch of results that I've never come across before. They're kinda unremarkable but I'm just so startled to have to share my moniker that I thought it worthy of comment.

Most of these alternate "chef elves" are attached to URLs that do not appear to me to be quite as firmly rooted as my little slice o' the web, so I figured I'd download the images myself to host them.

Before I get started, let me note that this new collection of "chef elves" appears to be almost solely existent in the world of chatchkes.

Note: I suspect my mother-in-law may be behind all of this as she mentioned once years ago that she thought there may be something in merchandising a Chefelf line of children's cooking equipment. If I find out she's behind all of this I'd like to be included for a 50% share of any residuals she's getting. By my estimates that would entitle me to about $11.31 a year.

The New Chef Elves



This little dandy is a 9 inch "Gingerbread" Chef Elf. I'm not sure what that means given that it's clearly a doll and not made out of gingerbread at all. Instead it is a mildly creepy doll of a chef that is apparently an elf. I think a characteristic of this chef that should be highlighted before mentioning his elvish nature would be the murderous look in his eyes. I think we all know what's in that stew.

If this doll doesn't scare your children quite enough there's also a [urlhttps://www.annalee.com/store/product.php?productid=1041&cat=154&page=1] 14 inch version[/url].

Grade: C-



If the previous scary chef elf doll wasn't enough then perhaps I could interest you in this little dandy. Aside from looking like a leftover from the set of Spitting Image, this doll also has a number of other features listed on the website: "This custom order elf is the first of an Open Edition of Chef Elves. He is accessorized with faux cheese, a bottle of wine, miniature copper pan and other appropriate items. Doll is 12 if standing."

Wow. The first in an open edition of chef elves? Would anyone care to place a wager on the likelihood of a second doll? I've got all my money on 0%. Also, I like that they mention that the cheese he's holding is not real. That leads me to believe that this doll comes with a real bottle of wine and a miniature pan made out of real copper. If that is the case then I'll take two.

Grade: B+



On this blog the poster has chosen to turn all of their favorite Top Chef contestants into dancing elves (links that appear to have long since broken). My deep-rooted hatred for any cooking contest show prevents me from knowing anything about any of these people but I can only assume that watching them dance as elves must be a joyous experience.

Grade: D



For some reason this crappy midwestern website is calling Hermie's supervisor, from the elf workshop in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, "Chef Elf." This is a bizarre blunder than I can only assume is a result of them trying to call him "Chief Elf" and making a typo. At any rate it seems that some basic research could have solved this problem.

Grade: F or A (I can't decide)



At this blog, the author comments on a chef elf figurine she received as a gift, as a collector of elf-related figurines. I didn't know such collections existed. As her blog states she is into all things arts and crafts related, I wonder if her love extends past ceramics. If so, she'd better keep her mitts off of my painting. That's-a-mine!

Grade: C



This is a Christmas tree ornament. Of a chef. Who is also an elf. And is also making taffy. The chef elf may also be named Santa Carls. Is that weird?

Grade: D-

If anyone is wondering what they should get me for Christmas, just pick any of these. Actually, don't do that. Please, don't do that.

The only chef elf thing I would like would be a life-sized statue of me raising my hands in triumph and wearing boxing gloves just like the statue of Rocky Balboa in Rocky III. I could then purchase the item and put it in my living room, right next to my life-sized Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

But, please, no Christmas tree ornaments.



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#2 User is offline   Vesuvius Icon

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 10:51 AM

Hmmm, Interesting.

In response to this, what would you call the Elves on the Rice Crispies box? Yes we all know that their names are "Snap" "Crackle" and "Pop," but did they make that cereal or what?

And I can clearly see that they have pointed ears, and elfin trait. And much like elvish behavior, those elves teach children some sort of divination by "listening" to their cereal. Odd.

When the voices in my head were drowned out by my Rice Crispies, I had to stop eating them.

Neat topic.

This post has been edited by Vesuvius: 12 December 2008 - 10:51 AM

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#3 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 11:00 PM

Vesuvius - I've stopped eating them due to a bad mixture of rice krispies and sake...

Chef- If Jen can't put up with anymore starwar's stuff, I think she'd beat you with a piece of faux cheese if any of these horrors showed up on the doorstep. The one with the oompa loompa red jumpsuit and the bib evokes a fight or flight reaction within me that I cannot hope to explain...

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#4 User is offline   Vesuvius Icon

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:40 PM

QUOTE (J m HofMarN @ Dec 13 2008, 12:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Vesuvius - I've stopped eating them due to a bad mixture of rice krispies and sake...


I was hoping you'd reply to that... just so I could see what alcohol you ate with them.

Awesome.

Well anyway, did they "speak" to you, or... what?
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#5 User is offline   TheOrator Icon

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 12:12 AM

What about the Keebler Elves?

Are they "Baker Elves"?
"I've come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum."
-John Carpenter's They Live

"God help us...in the future."
-Plan 9 from Outer Space


nooooo
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#6 User is offline   Chefelf Icon

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 09:42 AM

QUOTE (TheOrator @ Dec 14 2008, 12:12 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What about the Keebler Elves?

Are they "Baker Elves"?


Exactly. It's more of a science than an art.
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#7 User is offline   Casual Icon

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Posted 19 December 2008 - 12:32 PM

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I wouldn't sleep in the same room as one of those things.
QUOTE (arien @ Jun 29 2008, 03:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So this baby, while still inside its mother, murdered his twin brother and STOLE HIS PENIS.

That is one badass baby.

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Posted 18 March 2009 - 06:29 PM

Lawsuit, Lawsuit, Lawsuit!
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