[J m HofMarN]

So, as some of you maybe know, if you've been stalking me, I use my radio to wake me up. The CD function is broken so I cant wake up to, ya know, decent music. The only functioning radio stations in the area cater to white people who wish to god they were black, or to white people who wish to god that fags would die. So I have a choice between shitty pop-rap or gospel. Naturally I chose the former. If I had to be brainwashed into one of those schools I'd want it to be the one that would make me start a pimpin business and refer to my own self-importance constantly. Not the one that would make me start an abortion clinic burning business.

The problem with this is, if you hadnt noticed, the lyrics of shitty pop rap are not the most innovative or intellectually stimulating. What do you expect from a genre where half a song can be composed of "Uhuh" or "uh" or so forth and it still qualifies as music? But every once in a while I like to take a closer look at a song and today that song will be that silly girlfriend boyfriend piece of crap from Seaside.

Baby I been thinkin about you goin crazy

This wording is just downright awful. If it were to have the meaning one expects it should be "I've been going crazy thinking about you" But that would probably piss off Londonbeat, so we're stuck with it in this form. The problem is it makes it sound like the singer, if you want to use the word loosely, is becoming worried about his girlfriend's mental state. Perhaps this IS the point of these first lines, because it sets the tone for the rest of the song.

U Can Be My Boyfriend
I Can Be Your Girlfriend

First of all, when your fans chiefly transcribe your lyrics in internet dialects, you have a problem. Second of all, don't be redundant. Third, don't be redundant. Actually I think this part of the chorus could use some elaboration. What would happen if "U" had a son? would "I" then be his mother and "U" the father? What if U were killed by his brother and then his brother married I? In that case U wwould be a dead man, I would be your Maunt and He would be your uncle-father. Poor U. This page will remain forever as a testament to his memory.

Them Otha Chickenheads Couldnt Foot The Bill,
...
And You Know How To Get That Dough,

Ah yes, financial benefit is perhaps the second best motivation for relationships in pop-rap, right after being a playa. Regretably it turns out "I" is Destiny's Child, and she's an independent woman.

Feel Me Up, When Im Feelin Low

Reminds me of Married with Children somehow. Poor Al, Peg always wanted sex. That red haired harpy. And clearly a woman who starts molesting a guy when he's crying does have some problems. Maybe the narrator isn't too far off in his thinking about her going crazy.

You Know Its On As Soon As I Hit The Door, (Fa Sho!)

Does her body numb as you u approach the door? Suddenly they're paraphrasing Rage against the machine. If only the next lines were De La Rocha screaming "Hey re-volva, don't mothers make good fathers!" a lot. Too bad instead we get this :

And I Need That On My Team,

Need what? Someone to sexually abuse you when you're in mental or physical anguish? Someone you can have a boxing match with? Boxing isn't usually a team sport. Random interjections, non sequiters, these are all signs of a decaying mind screaming out for help as are the next lines.

Had Somethin On My Mind,
And Forgot Wat It Was, And Thats Because...

They lyrics sheet, so hard to find
What are the words, oh nevermind.

Take A Look At My Myspace Page,
She The Numba Position On My Top 8,

You should die for this. There is absolutely no reason to encourage anyone to create any sort of webpage or blog if their only subject is how much they like their boyfriend, or girlfriend, or maunt, or uncle father. Believe me. No one wants to hear it. Relentless self involvement and need for attention to pathetic mundane details seem like sure signs of a classic histrionic personality disorder. Clearly U's girlfriend is indeed goin crazy, and the scumbag is taking advantage of her decreased mental functions.

Spendin That Dough, It Aint Tricky?
If U Got It And I Got This Cheese..

You're trading her cash for some cheese you have in your pocket? And she accepts this? I definately have to say that this constitutes abuse of a dependent adult, and probably capital fraud as well depending on the amount of monies that change hands. And that's even giving the benefit of the doubt that the word cheese isn't a mistaken transcription of the original lyric: Disease.

See I Want Us, To Be In A Relationship,
Are U Ready Baby? Lets Go Steady Baby,
I Want U, And If U Want Me To,
U Should Be My Boyfriend, I Can Be Yo Girl Friend

In the special edition of the album the lyrics continue until we finally conclude with the mentally deranged I's revenge:

Then we can get married
You can pay the pastor named Barry
Your dad will be my father in law
We'll reenact scenes from Saw

This is JM, all up out of this hizzy.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 15 July 2008 - 01:38 PM

[Slade]

I get to be awoken to the sounds of classical music. I fear for your sanity and that of the poor abused person in that song. A very entertaining read, though. Gawdawful song, from the looks of it.

[Spoon Poetic]

Yay for my mp3 player with an alarm clock function, as well as a local classic rock station. I do not envy your position of having to wake up to shitty music... I think it would ruin my entire day to wake up to stuff like that.

At least it makes for fun little mini articles like this one, though, right? ...

[J m HofMarN]

Actually its usually all that gives me the will to get out of bed. And then that rage carries me through the day. The best part of waking up is unbridled hatred in your cup.