[Laura]

My interpretation of the situation is that she's giving mixed messages about the status of the relationship because she herself doesn't know what she wants. She's not purposely stringing you along because you're a "sure thing". She too valued the time you spent together and all the wonderful things you did for her, and she has misgivings and regrets about giving them up. That's why she can't bring herself to end it definitively, why she avoids discussing it.

On the other hand, she wants out. For whatever reason, she's at a time in her life when the relationship isn't working for her anymore. These things happen, and it totally sucks when you're the person for whom the relationship IS still working (I think we've all been there; I know I have.) So she doesn't call and hopes you get the message. Perhaps she's trying to drive you to break up with her with her erratic behavior; after all, if you break up with her definitively, she has evidence that you, too, want the relationship to end. That way she doesn't feel so guilty: we BOTH wanted it.

She doesn't realize that she's just making a bigger mess of things by giving you occasional false hope. Random-interval reinforcement makes the behavior well-nigh impossible to extinguish. She would have done better to break it off firmly, but she didn't--not because she's calculating and mean, but because she didn't know was she was doing.

Further contact at this time can only prolong the messy breakup process. The best thing you can do at this time, from my point of view, is to take a good long time away from her. Spend time with friends. Get involved in other interests. Time will lessen the intensity of the emotions, and all parties can decide what to do from there. The most likely outcome seems to be that you will eventually begin dating other people, but it would probably be a bad idea to jump into that right away.

[Chefelf]

Well I understand your frustration but try not to be quite as hostile. It sounds like both of you are a little touchy on the subject (understandably) and perhaps are both acting more out of frustration with the situations than how you truly feel.

Remember that after being in a loving relationship for so long you don't just lose the feelings immediately. Even if the love fades a little there is still love there. It lasts for a while no matter how badly it ends. So even though you are both probably mentally moving on you still have feelings for each other.

[Laura]

It sounds like you're both doing the same thing: telling each other you just want to talk, and then not talking. If you want to talk to her, pick up the phone. If you don't, don't. Like I said, it sounds like at the very least you both need some time off. Perhaps if she calls again, you can suggest this. You'll probably both have a much better idea of what you want after you've been out of contact for, say, a week. Every time you talk to her you seem to get more confused, and I think so does she. Maybe you both just need some time to clear your heads and reconnect with the other things in your lives.

That's what I would suggest, anyway. I know it's a hard resolution to follow, but I've found it works for me. Especially if you are angry and frustrated with the situation, it is a good idea to step back for awhile.

[civilian_number_two]

It's not love right now. You're pissed off and frustrated that you can't get what you want to happen, and that it has made you powerless. You won't like this, but you will only get back your power when you stop wanting what you're not going to get anyway. The absolute worst thing for you would be for her to chicken out and come back.

You're 23? Move on. Be sad for a while. It's not the same as depression. Play video games, watch movies, bitch about STAR WARS prequels. Pick on Jordan. It's what we all do here, and it's all good.

[Jordan]

I suggest you listen to some depressing music to help get it out of you.

Stone Temple Pilots: Creep

REM: Near Wild Heaven

And I'm sure there are many more.


One positive song that was good for me was


Oasis: Listen Up --- the song has nothing to do with relationships, but it has a sweet hard edge rock feel to it, and the chorus goes like this "I Don't mind being on my own" The chorus is repeated a shit load and will help get the message into your head.

[Despondent]

back to the classics, I'd suggest a Roy Orbison greatest hits collection. Great to brood by. I'd especially suggest "It's Over."

of course, when I'd jam with a bud of mine, he'd lay into the Beatles "You won't see me."
In and out of relationships, it's a classic. and we always know what each other is thinking.

"when I call, you up, your lines engaged..."

classic.

[Chefelf]

No no no! Why do people listen to depressing music when they're depressed. You can't just sit around listening to "Everybody Hurts". You've got to put in some Weird Al or a Brian Regan CD!

[Just your average movie goer]

Absolutely right, Chefelf. But whatever you do, don't listen to OK Computer by Radiohead. That will only foster depression and drag you deeper into it.

[Chyld]

If you must listen to something depressing, try "Heartbreaker" by Raging Speehorn. Or something by the nine masked men from Iowa everyone hates. Even better, play it all at maximum volume down the phone...

</immature metalhead>

I dunno, I have little valuable insight on the matter, because I'm going through a much easier virtue; we're still friends, and we're not screaming bloody murder down the phone at each others answering machines, but she's doing the whole emotional minefield.

All I can recommend is what I seem unable to do myself; break it off like a hangnail and throw it aside. Leave it completly alone for a month or few, cool it off and see what happens. But if she's seemingly messing around with other men behind your back, the finest painting in the land may already have had white spirit spilt over it, and probably nothing can mop it off without smudging the painting.

</bollox>

[barend]

this girl isn't mature enough to deal with this situation, which means she isn't going to be mature enough to deal with your emotions.... so what ever you decide to do, just be carefull...

when you love someone you're trusting them with alot!

Laura brings up some interesting points, that I have overlooked because I'm a harsh guy whos been screwed over a few times and has seen his friends cop it in the same manner (and many much worse).

if you're going to talk to this girl, don't play her games, answer the phone if she rings... don't get angry, just stay calm... no matter what you have to say.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

on the music front, i don't know why, but i felt like shit after a break up until i heard this song: Solow by Ohgr (from the album WELT)... it's not a depressing track, it just touched me in the right way, and everthing just sort didn't seem so bad... it may not work for you, but it's definatley an album worth owning

[Heccubus]

I like listening to stuff that's upbeat during a break up. Try some upbeat underground hip hop like K-Os (he's smart as hell too, so the lyrics might get you thinking about something else), or some uppity rock like Hot Hot Heat or The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I used to listen to depressing music though, and my break up albums were "Post" by Bjork, and "Lifted" by Bright Eyes. You can also try pissed off break up music, like Give Up The Ghost, Glassjaw or Poison The Well. Just some suggestions, depending on what mood you're in.