[J m HofMarN]

In order to preserve the unbridled wit of Slade and myself I present our review of Air Bud Spikes Back in unaltered IM conversation form. This is to preserve the authentic feel of the review and not at all because it's four thirty and I'm tired and lazy. Also stay tuned on the forums, there will soon be a major announcement regarding the continued financial feasability of Jelly Pufflemur.



[23:13] ProjectV01: I fastforwarded through the previews. a film like this has no right to tell me what to watch
[23:14] Haunted Ethos: No, it certainly doesn't.
[23:14] Haunted Ethos: "Fully covered root canals! The Land Before Time Sixteen!"
[23:15] ProjectV01: Beeethoven 19: Would you like to go to the vet and get put to sleep doggies? would you? would you?
[23:17] ProjectV01: theres a golden retriever running around. I begin to wish (likely not for the first time) that this was Homeward Bound
[23:18] ProjectV01: the people all know the dog, as such it is allowed to wander the streets and sidewalks with no leash or owner present, crapping on things and people at will and nearly causing the dopey villains to crash, one of whom is carefully Farley-esque
[23:18] Haunted Ethos: Cats rule, and Dogs drool, Chance.
[23:18] ProjectV01: haha
[23:20] ProjectV01: ah good stuff, the villains both lean around a corner and their heads pop out. classic
[23:21] Haunted Ethos: Aww. It's so much better when they manage to pop out from something way too small for them to hide behind like a lamp post, but they actually manage to hide behind it anyway.
[23:21] ProjectV01: wow that has to be the fakest gem I've ever seen. theyre apparenly after the worlds biggest chunk of worthless glass
[23:22] ProjectV01: haha
[23:22] Haunted Ethos: ... It's the size of a schoolboy's head!
[23:24] ProjectV01: ah they have a brilliant plan to climb through the man sized air duct in order to get to the jewel which is protected by orange lightsabers
[23:25] Haunted Ethos: Did they remember the rope?
[23:25] ProjectV01: no they got in by pretending to be plumbers. even though the museum appears to be in a tiny assed down and is made up of regular house siding
[23:26] ProjectV01: which begs the question of why the "jewel" is there
[23:27] Haunted Ethos: Yeah. Maybe they want it stolen?
[23:27] ProjectV01: and now this girls friend is moving and its sad, or something, or it would be if not for the sappy music that makes it wholly comical. I could watch George Bush napalming Iraqis and as long as it was to the tune of a sappy song about how great friends are it would still be comedy gold.
[23:27] Haunted Ethos: The insurance for it is probably more than it's really worth.
[23:27] ProjectV01: exactamondo! these people are in the middle of an evil plot by fake gem owners
[23:27] ProjectV01: sappy music continues and this dog hasnt even looked at a leash
[23:28] Haunted Ethos: If he was leashed, he couldn't play sports.
[23:29] ProjectV01: he... no wait suddenly he finally is doing something. the dog has to do an obstacle course. They allow him to enter despite the fact that he's won baseball, football, soccer and basketball games
[23:30] Haunted Ethos: The game is rigged.
[23:30] Haunted Ethos: The dog owns the town.
[23:30] Haunted Ethos: Give him your treats or you family gets murdered and dumped in the river.
[23:30] ProjectV01: redneck sort of villains: "we all need that dawg"
[23:31] ProjectV01: haha well he just won a summer of free ice cream for the little kid who we're to believe trained him. Yeah, just what every parent wants, a daily dose of sugar and stickyness. his mother's going to kill whoever organized this scam
[23:32] Haunted Ethos: Unless she's a terrible parent. In which case they'll have more dental bills.
[23:32] ProjectV01: the mail man gives the mail directly to the dog... that’s a great idea
[23:33] Haunted Ethos: Well, the dog's not going to open it, because that's a federal offense.
[23:33] ProjectV01: is chewing?
[23:34] Haunted Ethos: Hmm... Damaging is probably a bad thing, too.
[23:36] ProjectV01: hmmm theres a boydfriend character with a fro and he’d like to know where they play beach volleyball.
[23:37] ProjectV01: "I think they play beach volleyball down by the beach"
[23:37] Haunted Ethos: By the beach? I play my beach volleyball in the craters of active volcanoes.
[23:41] ProjectV01: HAHA the fat villain likes food omigoodtoofunnyrofls!
[23:41] Haunted Ethos: Hahahahahahahahaha!
[23:42] ProjectV01: wow the boyfriend character is also a skate boarder. he's totally xtreme and edgy
[23:43] ProjectV01: ah.... why do they have a spinning chair as the front seat of their van?
[23:43] Haunted Ethos: Because it's XTREME!
[23:45] ProjectV01: the sheriff, who is... by my best estimate 90, sees an unsupervised five year old and a dog wondering the streets covered in ice cream and simply says hello and drives off. this community has some real problems
[23:46] Haunted Ethos: That's my dream of Utopia, my friend.
[23:46] ProjectV01: a senile sheriff and villains who require a dog to steal a piece of glass?
[23:47] Haunted Ethos: Yes, damn it. If you keep your dreams simple, they're fulfilled much easier.
[23:48] ProjectV01: ... wait the plan has changed
[23:48] ProjectV01: the family has a bird. so the villains want to steal the bird to get to the dog to get to the piece of glass
[23:49] Haunted Ethos: That lives in the house that Jack built?
[23:50] ProjectV01: of course
[23:52] ProjectV01: hmmm now that the dogs have escaped from this girl’s dog imprisonment service and theyre wreaking hacoc the movie has become vastly more entertaining
[23:52] Haunted Ethos: Are there throats being torn out?
[23:53] ProjectV01: regretably no... not... yet
[23:53] Haunted Ethos: I will cross my fingers.
[23:53] ProjectV01: now the xtreme boyfriend character has to go to "practice" presumably beach volleyball
[23:53] ProjectV01: I was not aware that you practice for that
[23:54] Haunted Ethos: He's practicing looking hot to make the girlfriend jealous enough to sleep with him more often.
[23:56] ProjectV01: haha and get this, the little brother character really likes ice cream
[23:56] Haunted Ethos: Who fucking doesn't?!
[23:56] ProjectV01: the villains have now captured the bird and celebrate loudly
[23:57] Haunted Ethos: Congratulations! You are at most semi-competent petty thieves!
[23:58] ProjectV01: holy shit finally volleyball actually occurs. and interestingly enough the prize is a trip to california which happens to be where the girlfriend chick wants to go
[23:59] ProjectV01: haha so the grandma character cant cook and somehow made a raisin and lettuce sandwhich
[23:59] Haunted Ethos: Wow. That was convenient.
[23:59] Haunted Ethos: Who puts raisins and lettuce together?
[23:59] Haunted Ethos: Fruit salad does not have lettuce!!!
[23:59] ProjectV01: theres a coach for beach volleyball?
[00:00] ProjectV01: shes a daring culinary... idiot
[00:01] ProjectV01: ah I see they need a coach for helpful advice such as "be the ball" "lets go" "over the net" and "keep your eye on the ball"
[00:01] Haunted Ethos: Be the ball?
[00:01] ProjectV01: yes so you may hit yourself
[00:01] Haunted Ethos: He wants people to get hit by sweaty dudes and go flying into the sand?
[00:03] ProjectV01: shes supposed to be a bad cook... but I havent seen her cook anything as of yet. she put spinnach in a pie crust and her latest culinary creation is asparagus on wheat
[00:04] ProjectV01: her bad "cooking" is more properly to be termed "putting inappropriate things on bread"
[00:05] ProjectV01: also the girl seems to have a balance disorder where any time she moves she falls down, specifically when playing volleyball
[00:08] ProjectV01: the coach continues to give great advice by shouting the name of the team out. repeatedly. since the name of the team is timberwolves its rather sad
[00:08] ProjectV01: also the beach volelyball tournament routinely makes front page in this town
[00:13] ProjectV01: the girl manages to craft a jersey for the dog inbfive minutes so it can play the position of setter. the coach mumbles something about an irish setter in one of the saddest jokes ever
[00:13] Haunted Ethos: The town is just slow.
[00:14] ProjectV01: in the head
[00:15] ProjectV01: also theres an audience chanting, but I can only see six people around the court
[00:16] Haunted Ethos: Someone has a boom box.
[00:16] ProjectV01: the coach is more enthusiastic about beach volleyball than I am about waking up tomorrow
[00:18] Haunted Ethos: Well, when do you have to get up and where are you going/
[00:18] Haunted Ethos: ?
[00:18] ProjectV01: I mean waking up alive
[00:18] Haunted Ethos: Oh.
[00:18] Haunted Ethos: Point and match.
[00:18] ProjectV01: haha
[00:19] ProjectV01: the movie appears to have forgotten the villains and kidnapped bird entirely
[00:19] Haunted Ethos: They weren't important anyway.
[00:20] ProjectV01: oh here they are
[00:20] ProjectV01: the kid just broke in to the ice cream shop
[00:21] Haunted Ethos: Alas.
[00:22] ProjectV01: however... the ice cream store guy, rather than calling the police or child protective services gives him ice cream despite not being open because "youre my number one customer" his number one customer doesnt pay for his ice cream
[00:22] Haunted Ethos: Of course!
[00:22] Haunted Ethos: That kid needs to go to ice cream rehab.
[00:22] ProjectV01: aaaaaah! the sheriff is now refereeing the volleyball game and he looks horrificly old... also, that explains why he wasnt there to load the kid into a patrol car and send him up to san quentin
[00:23] ProjectV01: hmmm and now they come to the actual caper. the guard is asleep and they enter a room full of old saws and the priceless "diamond"
[00:23] Haunted Ethos: ... Old saws?
[00:24] ProjectV01: yeah its the only other thing apparent in the "museum"
[00:25] ProjectV01: however I commend them that their idiot plan to capture the bird to capture the dog has worked so far and gone to phase 3, using the dog to get the diamond, which is under constant lazer guard even during the day time, which makes me wonder why they bother displaying it at all
[00:26] Haunted Ethos: I'm telling you, it's a honey pot for idiot thieves.
[00:26] ProjectV01: they could steal some of the rusty saws and get just as much money
[00:31] ProjectV01: the dog is now crawling through some lazers
[00:31] Haunted Ethos: Fabulous.
[00:32] ProjectV01: unfortunately the alarm is triggered but htey defeat the guard by running into him and knocking him over
[00:33] Haunted Ethos: The best offense is a poor offense!
[00:33] ProjectV01: then they steal a razr scooter from a kid as their... THEIR multiple people... get away vehicle. their van I guess broke
[00:34] Haunted Ethos: As did their last semblences of common sense.
[00:34] ProjectV01: bud luckily the dog manages to trap them on a carousel by making it spin around which means they cant get off because... yes
[00:35] ProjectV01: he is now torturing them with centrifugal force causing them to hang horizontally from the what I can only assume is a cia interrogation carousel
[00:36] ProjectV01: fuck the villains now have the falling down disease
[00:37] ProjectV01: the sheriff dutifully puts villains in car without handcuffs then walks off to referee the game
[00:37] Haunted Ethos: Dear god, it's contagious and only cure is standing still and time!
[00:38] ProjectV01: ah but suddenly theyre at the championships and its a two on two tournament for some reason, and get this,... they win! the end.

So what have we learned? Letting toddlers wander around a town without their parents will drive them into a life of ice cream addiction… and murder. Allowing your dog to roam free will prevent more crime than your law enforcement officers. Grandma puts inappropriate things on bread (her next hit will be a feces and hot sauce on ciabatta) and, most importantly, make sure to not have a dog sized air duct in the room where you keep your diamond shaped glass.

[Slade]

Good heavens, you are lazy these days, JM. And I suppose you have permission to use our IM conversation as a review of Air Bud Spikes Back.

[J m HofMarN]

preservance of unbridled wit, god damn it!

[civilian_number_two]

Space Buddies is wrapped. Look for it this summer.