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Zero Punctuation - Crysis

#1 User is offline   Dannysaysnoo Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 12:15 PM

http://www.escapistm...ctuation-Crysis

you liked it because of the GRAPHICS? oh, what a twisted place the world has become...
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#2 User is offline   Casual Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 02:02 PM

I dont know why a picture of a bloody great explosion with a trilby in the centre made me laugh so much but it did, I guess it reminds me of all the games I've played with shitty vehicles that blow up with a well placed bullet. This was a great review for a game I'l never play at least not for the next few years because I dont own the aforementioned magical supercomputer that could actualy run this (who does?). Point being Yahtzee back on form.
QUOTE (arien @ Jun 29 2008, 03:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So this baby, while still inside its mother, murdered his twin brother and STOLE HIS PENIS.

That is one badass baby.

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#3 User is offline   Joey Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 02:06 PM

Hey, surely you can appreciate something for being pretty?
He didn't rip too much on the gameplay either. Quote, an "above-average shooter". He's practically lathering on the praise biggrin.gif

Smashed up my sanity.
Smashed up my integrity.
Smashed up what I believed in,
Smashed up what's left of me.
Smashed up my everything,
Smashed up all I thought was true,
'gonna smash myself to pieces,
I don't know what else to do.
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#4 User is offline   Spiner Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 03:31 PM

Crysis rated my system as "Medium". But as soon as those volumetric clouds showed up in the intro.... FPS ----> SHITTER

This game pretty much begs you to post your mid-range specs online to compare your e-penis to others and ask if you're having as much *ahem* performance problems.



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#5 User is offline   Sylv Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 06:14 PM

I purchased a brand new graphics card just to play Bioshock but heard that I should forget Crysis unless I had a computer so fast it needed to be immersed in liquid nitrogen just to start it up. This only confirms it. Bah!

This post has been edited by Sylv: 16 January 2008 - 06:15 PM

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#6 User is offline   Dr Lecter Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 06:40 PM

Seeing as I care about graphics in games, as much as I do about resurrecting Hitler. I got pretty bored with it. I played it on my housemate's PC which somehow manages to play it on very high everything. Basically, the everything uptil the last 3 hours has no real storyline importance. And the storyline is pretty limited, even for a FPS. Basically, the majority of the game is filler. The ending is one those where you're left thinking "don't tell me there's going to be sequel", Rainbow Six Vegas and Assassin's Creed come to mind too.

This post has been edited by Dr Lecter: 16 January 2008 - 06:54 PM

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#7 User is offline   Joey Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 07:39 PM

Actually I want Assassin's Creed's sequel more than anything. D:
Whoa, backtrack. HL2 ep3 rates slightly higher on the "Give me it NOW" list.
I hate endings like that, that just make you say GIVE ME THE REST OF THE STORY!!!
Smashed up my sanity.
Smashed up my integrity.
Smashed up what I believed in,
Smashed up what's left of me.
Smashed up my everything,
Smashed up all I thought was true,
'gonna smash myself to pieces,
I don't know what else to do.
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#8 User is offline   AdamM Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 08:33 PM

Hahaha, "hypothetical future computer from space".

I'm telling you by hook or by crook I shall aquire an 8800! But I'm not using it to play Crysis, god no. I don't see what all the fuss is about. I gather it's something to do with that lovely America fighting the evil boo hiss North Koreans which for some reason turns me off it at once.
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#9 User is offline   Itaritz Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 09:20 PM

QUOTE (Dr Lecter @ Jan 16 2008, 06:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
...as much as I do about resurrecting Hitler.
blink.gif I would think that just about everyone would care one way or another about that, as in strongly disapproving of it. Or in the case of a few white supremacists and eugenicists, strongly in favor of it. But you don't care. Congrats on being such an non-conformist. rolleyes.gif

Pointless needling (hmm...) of old vets aside, I take your point. I've always prided myself on not caring about graphics either, though the fact that the only gaming systems I had up until 2001 were an NES and an original, four-AA-batteries, turn-the-little-dial, weighs-a-ton, beat-a-rhino-to-death-with-it Game Boy may have something to do with that.

And as I still lack regular access to any computer newer than this formerly-cream-colored '98 Gateway thing, I certainly haven't played Crysis. However you can hardly bash Yahtzee for praising the graphics when they are, according to everything I've heard, the basic reason this game exists and it's only real distinguishing feature.

Anyway, I liked the review. It started off very strong, but seemed to fade a bit as it went. Still one of the better ones though, and I've loving the internal conflict with his little review voice.
When in doubt, plead sarcasm.


The ETSP - Worst. Website. Ever.
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#10 User is offline   Ninja Duck Icon

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Posted 16 January 2008 - 11:27 PM

Let's stop talking about Hitler now.

Can anyone remind me which review the salad is from? I forgot already.
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#11 User is offline   Spiner Icon

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Posted 17 January 2008 - 03:34 AM

QUOTE (Ninja Duck @ Jan 16 2008, 11:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Let's stop talking about Hitler now.

Can anyone remind me which review the salad is from? I forgot already.


I'd say probably the Tabula Rasa one.
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#12 User is offline   smolder Icon

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Posted 17 January 2008 - 11:45 AM

I think there should have been a warning that the review would contain pictures of the Haunted Ebay painting. That thing is cursed and even a short glimpse gives it the chance to suck your soul clean outa your body. I've seen it, its not pretty.
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#13 User is offline   AdamM Icon

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Posted 17 January 2008 - 11:57 AM

Just in case anyone was suspicious of my silence on the Hitler issue I'd like to clarify my position before some ludicrous misinterpretation crops up. Adolf Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet. I hope that sets the record straight.

That eBay painting is not fucking haunted! It's a fucking painting and it looks a bit scary, that's all there is to it!
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#14 User is offline   smolder Icon

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Posted 17 January 2008 - 12:05 PM

QUOTE (AdamM @ Jan 17 2008, 11:57 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That eBay painting is not fucking haunted! It's a fucking painting and it looks a bit scary, that's all there is to it!


Tell that to little Johhny Hobbsin of Portland, Oregon. Oh, wait, you can't becuase after viewing the Haunted Ebay painting he is now nothing but a souless husk of a child.
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#15 User is offline   avenging Icon

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Posted 17 January 2008 - 02:50 PM

hahahaha i thought you were joking but you weren't.(about the "haunted" painting)

i wish i had a faster computer so i could render faster, but no game is worth updating your computer for
When there are no heroes where will we turn?

i post without caps to annoy sniffles. kisses ;)
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