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The Great Star Wars Rewrite May the Farce be with you

#16 User is offline   georgelucas4greedo Icon

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 09:08 AM

QUOTE (Toru-chan @ Jul 26 2007, 03:04 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Star Wars Remake 2008

Ok. Damn it. Dynamic Villian's parodies are too good. So let's change the Rewrite Effort into making Star Wars contemporary: If they were being remade (and Hollywood being Hollywood, I guarantee you the Star Wars hexology will one day be remade).

Star Wars 2008

Lando Calrisian: Suave and Charming, he's clearly out of vogue. Let's replace him with 'Fifty-cent Jackson'. He can call the Clonetroopers "Motherf***ers" and bristle that bad-ass attitude before Darth.

Chewbacca: Sells Kayzk to logging interests. Appears in a business suit, smokes cigars, Rolex, Incorporates. Sells Han out for the bounty: Grunts "Sorry old buddy, but I'd face a shareholder suit if I didn't take advantage of this business opportunity."

R2D2 and C3PO: Slow and clunky. Lucas has made great progress in CGI, so now we can have them whirring and gizzing with thousands of springly parts. The Lucasarts CGI dweebs are wetting themselves at the prospects of new and superflous animations.

Millenium Falcon: From above it sort of looks like an Apple? This is a great chance for a tie in with iPhones and iPods. Everyone must carry a mobile phone and chat in them incessantly. Every two minutes the characters must stop to make or receive a call. "Hi Biggs I'm on the Millenium Falcon for a six hour trip. So what's up with you?" Cockpit will need new design with many LCD monitors, which Han and Chewie use to surf the net for pr0n during those long voyages. They can have a Gag where Chewie sees Han looking at Human pr0n and grunts 'You perv! That's sick stuff!'

Music: Get rid of the classic score. Let's use the Matrix 3 Soundtrack: Loud and Obnoxious. Plagarizm is not a worry since no one actually saw Matrix 3.

Filth: Good wholesome family fun is out. We have to have superflous humping like they did in Matrix 3 (the part you slept through). It'll be a good chance to show the complete absence of pubic hair, even on Chewie.

Plot: Well, we really can't avoid the war on terror: It defines our times. So let's pump up the propaganda. When Obi-won tells Luke he's Jedi, Luke can scream terrist and threaten to turn him in. Lots of "Support the Clonetroopers" and "You're either with us or you are with the Sith!" motivational posters. Think FOX Galactic.

The Internet: It defines our times too. Whenever anyone does something, no matter how trite, they must blog it and update their MySpace page about it. Oops. MySpace is no longer cool. I mean Facebook. "I blew up the Deathstar. This is definitely going into Facebook". Luke can find Princess Lei in Wikipedia: "I just looked up Deathstar in Wikipedia and they have the princess in the detention block!" When R2D2 is finally plugged in by the rebels he uploads the Deathstar plans to Youtube. When Han needs to find someplace they can stop for repairs, he can Google for 'Bespin'.




ZOMG......that was hilarious!

This post has been edited by georgelucas4greedo: 26 July 2007 - 09:09 AM

It seems like everyone is over the nitpicking. Too bad.
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#17 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 05:46 PM

QUOTE (georgelucas4greedo @ Jul 27 2007, 12:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ZOMG......that was hilarious!


Thanks georgelucas4greedo. Glad you liked it.
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#18 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 04 August 2007 - 03:27 PM

Indeed. You are powerful, as the Emperor has forseen... cool.gif
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#19 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 06 August 2007 - 06:27 AM

A few more:

+ When the Falcon escapes the Death Star, instead of Luke and Leia 'talking about it', they both plug in their iPods and ignore each other.

+ CSI shows up in the Cantina. With a chalk outline on the wall, and Greedo in the bodybag, they try and work out who shot first. They're stumped by contradictory video evidence.

+ Two reasons to work in Law and Order too: (1) CGI Lenny, (2) Fred Thompson as Jabba?

+ The three hussies in Jabba's castle are replaced by Britanny Spears, Linday Lohan and Paris Hilton, all pole dancing without knickers.

+ Jabba throws the Green Hottie to the Rancor, outraged by her wardrobe malfunction. Maybe we should have a cameo with Justin Timberlake. He falls with her, and I'd like to see if he can outrun the Rancor.

+ In ROTJ in the shield control room, when the Imperial Officer says 'You Rebel Scum', every one goes silent, Stormtroopers mutter amongst themselves, and Imperial Officer is relieved for using offensive and derogatory language.

+ Boba Fett is dragged from Sarlak the Sandworm's mouth by a squad of slobbering force.net fanboys. Some willing sacrifice themselves, their last words 'I Love you Boba!'. Once clear, Boba makes a run for it. Ducking behind an outcrop, he removes his helmet: It's Aunt Beru!
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#20 User is offline   KurganX Icon

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Posted 06 August 2007 - 11:42 PM

QUOTE (Toru-chan @ Aug 6 2007, 06:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
+ The three hussies in Jabba's castle are replaced by Britanny Spears, Linday Lohan and Paris Hilton, all pole dancing without knickers.


And french kiss Madonna, like Bratney and Aguilerra did!


+ Yoda sips Starbucks coffee and gabs on his cell phone, rudely ignoring Luke's protests that he's "ready" for the training.

+ Artoo and Chewie play their "holo chess" game with X-Box 360 controllers and wearing "blue tooth" style headsets.

+ The Pod Racers and their driver's uniforms are covered in advertisements, like real life NASCAR!

+ Now instead of the Rebellion and the Academy, Biggs and Luke talk about Ebay and their blogs.

+ Blue milk replaced by PowerAde.

This post has been edited by KurganX: 06 August 2007 - 11:48 PM

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#21 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 07 August 2007 - 12:05 AM

QUOTE (Toru-chan @ Aug 6 2007, 06:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
+ In ROTJ in the shield control room, when the Imperial Officer says 'You Rebel Scum', every one goes silent, Stormtroopers mutter amongst themselves, and Imperial Officer is relieved for using offensive and derogatory language.


Hell, Toru-chan, you think the same way I do. ohmy.gif
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#22 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 07 August 2007 - 09:03 AM

QUOTE (KurganX @ Aug 7 2007, 02:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And french kiss Madonna, like Bratney and Aguilerra did!
+ Yoda sips Starbucks coffee and gabs on his cell phone, rudely ignoring Luke's protests that he's "ready" for the training.

+ Artoo and Chewie play their "holo chess" game with X-Box 360 controllers and wearing "blue tooth" style headsets.

+ The Pod Racers and their driver's uniforms are covered in advertisements, like real life NASCAR!

+ Now instead of the Rebellion and the Academy, Biggs and Luke talk about Ebay and their blogs.

+ Blue milk replaced by PowerAde.


Love it, Kuganx. The DeathStar should have a few Starbucks and shopping malls.

Glad you got it, Mr. Bond. Worried I'd be like Dr. Evil having to explain the joke to humorless henchpersons. :-)

+ Tom Cruise in a cameo leads a renegade sect of Jedi: They're Scientologists.

+ Han is supposed to start as a cold-blooded mercenary who comes good in the end. Blame Kyle McLachlan, but the trouble is 'Spice Runner' sounds too cool. We need Han to have a sideline that'll paint him and Chewie as heartless and worthy of scorn: telemarketers. Plus whenever anyone in the movie talks into their Comlink, a 50% chance an Indian telemarketer on the other end. "Good morning THX1138. Can I interest you in..."

+ Whenever there's any activity between Leia and Han in TESB, as they walk off the camera pans past a copy of Who magazine with up to the minute news: "LEIA CALLS HAN NERFHERDER. IS IT SPLITSVILLE?"

+ In Pod Race announcer declares "I don't care what galaxy you're from, that's got to hurt." Heh heh. Wouldn't that be lame?

+ Emperor needs a lackey. Stephen Colbert.

+ Replace Pod Race with a 'Tatooine Idol' segment. Annakin goes on, sings and wins.

+ Yoda is dating Madonna.

+ Padme now dies because HMO won't approve a 'broken-heart transplant'. (Besides, I thought Annakin broke her neck.)

+ Jabba now played by John Travolta in a Fat Suit.

+ They never meet Watto in TPM. Instead they bid through eBay. Watto ships Fedex. Nice advertizing tie in, and superlous Tatooine subplot and CGI staff can be cut entirely.

+ Senate threatens to impeach Emperor. Never gets around to it.

+ How many rings can you add? Explosions are old. How about Metaphorical planetary destruction instead? DeathStar can be a galactic spam center. Clogs up Alderaan's communications nets, and causes economic meltdown with false stock tips. Imagine the audience's cheers when the SpamStar is blown up.

+ Darth only strangles lackeys who yabber on their cell phones.

+ Emperor makes a populist declaration he won't tolerate gays in the military, and orders all gay Clonetroopers are dismissed. Next day Yoda walks into deserted complex and arrests him. :-)

+ Padame starts adopting orphans. Later finds out they're Jawas.
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#23 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 07 August 2007 - 10:51 AM

+ Palpatine's force lightning is so old-school; instead, he fries Luke with the power of spamming! tongue.gif
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#24 User is offline   KurganX Icon

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Posted 08 August 2007 - 01:18 AM

+ Lots of blur effects, slo-mo segments and shaky cam!

+ An amazing 3 minutes of the movie is in 3D! (the ending credits, very impressive!)

+ A pointless "Unrated!" DVD comes out a month or two after the movie hits theaters.

+ Clone War gives Yoda opportunity to bond with his angsty, teenaged son who's living with his ex-wife and resents him for not being there for him.

This post has been edited by KurganX: 08 August 2007 - 01:22 AM

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#25 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 08 August 2007 - 01:23 AM

+ The film ends with a 5-year-old techno song playing through the credits.

+ An elderly, possibly senile Irish guy is the director.

+ Black people have been hired to polish your script with countless ebonics. tongue.gif

This post has been edited by Bond: 08 August 2007 - 01:23 AM

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You only live twice:
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#26 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 08 August 2007 - 08:53 AM

+ Clonetroopers cheer as Emperor makes a brief appearance at Genosis with a rubber Turkey.

+ Dennis Franz aka Andy Sipowitz is cast as Yoda's angsty, now middle-aged son. Green makeup and prosthetic ears can work wonders.

+ Stormtroopers make captured Ewok's stand in pyramids.

+ When the Rebel's on Yavin plug in R2D2, they can't see the Death Star Plans: They're Region Locked. Luke saves the day by downloading a DRM Crack. Blogs 'The Empire just doesn't get it!

+ Padme goes to confront the emperor. Learns Lucas has now done away with Ian McDarmind, replacing him with George Clooney. Padme breaks a sweat, decides to change sides.

+ Revealed there aren't just two Sith: there are actually 13, and they've gathered on Corosant to plan how to rob the Imperial Bank. (KurganX: cue that slo-mo!)

+ All references to Spice removed when George Lucas finally reads 'Dune' and realizes what it is. :-)

+ Rebels fight back with their own new army of Paris Hilton Clonetrooperettes.

+ Subplot explains once and for all why Jedi and Jawas dress alike.

+ New footage for TESB: Yoda admits to Luke he f***ed everything up real bad.
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#27 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 08 August 2007 - 03:35 PM

+ New footage for ANH: Darth Vader, in a scene reminincent of AOTC, arrives on Coruscant and is greeted by his dark Master. After telling him of the Death Star's destruction, Palpatine briefly chokes Vader, then declares it a minor setback. He tells Vader to order Jerjerrod to "our new project", then orders Vader to distract the Rebels from this project with his fleet. He bids Vader leave, but warns him not to fail him again. After the Emperor departs, Vader stands still for a moment, and the Red Guard stationed near him slowly chokes to death; after this, Vader paces out of the scene.

EDIT: This would come right after Luke gets a hero's welcome following the Death Star's destruction and right before the final throne room scene.

This post has been edited by Bond: 08 August 2007 - 03:36 PM

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You only live twice:
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--Ian Fleming
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