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The Great Star Wars Rewrite May the Farce be with you

#1 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 07:34 AM

There are too many inconsistencies between the OT scripts and PT scripts, or for that matter, the OT scripts and OT scripts. George Lucas isn't going to clean them up anytime soon, so we should clean them up for him.

The challenge: Take a scene from any movie and rewrite it, so it is consistent with the rest of the trilogy.

For example, the opening scene of SW4 could be rerwritten like this:

QUOTE
INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN HALLWAY.

The awesome, seven-foot-tall Dark Lord of the Sith makes his
way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is
Darth Vader, right hand of the Emperor. His face is obscured
by his flowing black robes and grotesque breath mask, which
stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the
Imperial stormtroopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from
the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the
Rebel troops. Several of the Rebel troops break and run in a
frenzied panic.

C3PO: Master Anakin! Well thank goodness you are here.
VADER: Hello Threepeeo. It's been a long time, and I see you still have little Artoo with you.
ARTOO: (Beeps Excitedly)
VADER: (Looks at Artoo and then back to Threepio) Did he say anything ... about Padme?

STORMTROOPER Approaches

STORMTROOPER: Lord Vader, We've searched the ship and it turns out most of the crew are related to you.


Template scripts are here:
http://home.online.n...s-Episode-I.txt
http://home.online.n...s_2nd-Draft.txt
http://home.online.n...s_3rd-Draft.txt
http://home.online.n...s_4th-Draft.txt
http://www.scenebysc.../aotcscript.txt
http://www.imsdb.com...f-the-Sith.html
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#2 User is offline   Helena Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 10:06 AM

It's already been done. I recommend reading through all of Dynamic Villian's parodies; they're hilarious. (They were written before the release of Episode III, so a few things aren't consistent with that, but they're still great).

QUOTE
STAR WARS

EPISODE IV

AN UPDATED HOPE

The short NON-IMAX 4D BARF-O-VISION version.

After not winning a battle for the last twenty years, one
cell of the Rebel Alliance has finally been victorious - sort
of, because now those poor fools are about to be captured.

Senator Princess Princess Leia Organa Naberrie Amidala
Skywalker of Alderaan has won the plans for the second Death
Star from the greedy Techno Union after betting on a POD-RACE
on Malastare.

Pursued by the evil mysterious former Jedi Darth Vader, Leia
races to the famous planet Tatooine where she will drop off
the plans somewhere in the hope they will be found by a
former Jedi Knight who she doesn't even know for sure is
still alive...

QUOTE
The sandpeople had women and children. We know this because Anakin killed them how could he tell? The children might be smaller but I never saw a sandperson with breasts. Did they hike their skirts and show him some leg or something?

QUOTE
Also, I can see the point of wanting to kidnap a human and use her as a slave, but they didn't. They tied her to a flimsy easel for a month. It's assumed they had to feed and give her water. What for? Was she purely ornamental? I can understand them wanting the droids, you can sell those for a lot of money, but a chick who's only skills are finding non-existand mushrooms and getting randomly pregnant, you're not going to get much.

- J m HofMarN on the Sand People
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#3 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 11:19 AM

Hmmm, maybe someone should update them... wink.gif
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#4 User is offline   KurganX Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 02:31 PM

Nice! wink.gif
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#5 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 03:58 PM

Thankee, sir! happy.gif
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#6 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 08:18 PM

QUOTE (Helena @ Jul 23 2007, 01:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You misspelled ", and they're almost as good as yours.' :-)

That web pages has exceeded its Geocities limit: (What is it these days? 300Kb a month?) but Google has the cache here:

http://72.14.253.104...lient=firefox-a

QUOTE (Helena @ Jul 23 2007, 01:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I recommend reading through all of Dynamic Villian's parodies; they're hilarious. (They were written before the release of Episode III, so a few things aren't consistent with that, but they're still great).


I love it! laugh.gif

QUOTE
Threepio and R2 walk through the desert. R2 bleeps, extends his rocket-boosters, and flies away.


Oh dearie me:

QUOTE
Then a rebel Blockade Runner flies over the desert planet Tatooine.
It is the same vessel that we saw thundering onto the screen
at the start of Episode 3 ('A Very Big Explosion'), only this
time it's a model and it looks more convincing.


QUOTE
DARTH VADER: Obi-Wan Kenobi!!!
TARKIN: Surely he must be dead by now.
DARTH VADER: What makes you think that? He's only 60 or so, and we never caught him.


Will do, but if anyone has a favorite scene they'd like to rewrite, feel free to post it here anyway. Oh and BTW I meant to end my above scene with this line:

QUOTE
VADER: Yipeeeee!

This post has been edited by Toru-chan: 22 July 2007 - 08:47 PM

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#7 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 08:31 PM

That reminds me... has anyone else here read the Vader Monologues? It's basically Vader and Anakin arguing inside Vader's head, and it's pretty damned funny. laugh.gif

If you want, I'll post some later. smile.gif
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#8 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 09:12 PM

QUOTE (Bond @ Jul 23 2007, 11:31 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That reminds me... has anyone else here read the Vader Monologues? It's basically Vader and Anakin arguing inside Vader's head, and it's pretty damned funny. laugh.gif If you want, I'll post some later. smile.gif


Please do. Those Rewrites are hillarious, but if I can further bastardize one he already bastardized:

QUOTE
SCENE EXT. DAGOBAH. LUKE is levitating YODA and ARTOO.

LUKE: Han, Leia!

Luke and Yoda and Artoo fall down.

YODA: It was the future you have seen.

LUKE: They were making out! I ... I thought she liked me, but all the time they were bumping uglies behind my back. And I thought he was my best friend! Well, screw them. They're both out of my life. I don't care what happens to them.

YODA: Good this is, for you can train here, and have proper training that lasts years instead of a couple of days.

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#9 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 09:18 PM

All right, I found a good one:

QUOTE
ON DAGOBAH:


(At Master Yoda's behest, Luke Skywalker cautiously enters a dark cave on Dagobah, peering this way and that--then rears back in surprise as Darth Vader steps out from behind a corner.)

ANAKIN: Whoa. Don't remember having *this* dream before...

VADER: Dream? I'm not even asleep! I'm meditating on the Executor...

A: Well, you must have dozed off, buddy.

V: Impossible. Wait...wait! This must be a Force-induced vision!

A: What, like a Vision of the Future?

V: Or a Specter of the Past.

A: Well, as long as it's not a Bounty Hunter War...

V: What?

A: Er…nevermind.

V: This is incredible—all those years of meditating have finally paid off with an actual vision!

A: Heh, yeah...finding your son in a slimy cave. Yeesh. I can barely contain my excitement. Personally, I would have preferred finding your son with some handmaidens frolicking on a beach, but whatever works for you, my man...

(Luke ignites his lightsaber. Vader does the same, and the two of them begin to duel...)

A: What's with the slow-motion action? Speed it up, man!

V: I can't! Now stop bothering me—I have to concentrate and interpret this vision.

A: Oh, that's easy, D. See, the cave represents your sense of isolation, and the way you've closed yourself off from the rest of the galaxy. And Luke represents your lost innocence. And the lightsabers represent your fetish for plaid socks.

V: It's not a fetish. 'Fetish' makes it sound creepy. Can't a man enjoy colorful footwear without—

(Luke brings his blade up and strikes Vader's head from his shoulders.)

V: Ow! Son of a Sith! And what does my severed head mean, genius?!

A: It means you need to work on your blocking...

(The helmet rolls across the ground, comes to a stop, and the front of it bursts open with a puff of smoke. Luke stares in shock at the face within.)

V: What? What's he staring at?

A: Maybe there's something hanging out of your nose...

(The vision suddenly fades, and Vader snaps back to consciousness inside his meditation chamber aboard the Executor.)

V and A: (in unison) Whoa.

A: That...was trippin'.

V: Indeed. I'll have to spend some time pondering the importance of this experience. This could well prove to be the most mind-altering event of my life.

(pause)

A: I still would have preferred the frolicking handmaidens.

V: You and me both...


devil.gif

This post has been edited by Bond: 22 July 2007 - 09:18 PM

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#10 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 10:00 PM

QUOTE
(The helmet rolls across the ground, comes to a stop, and the front of it bursts open with a puff of smoke. Luke stares in shock at the face within. The vision suddenly fades, and Vader snaps back to consciousness inside his meditation chamber aboard the Executor.)

V and A: (in unison) Whoa.

A: That...was trippin'.


laugh.gif. Always wondered where all that "Spice" ended up.
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#11 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 10:16 PM

Want me to post some more? wink.gif
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Posted 22 July 2007 - 10:50 PM

All right, here's some more:

QUOTE
IN CLOUD CITY (2):

(Han Solo, strapped to the torture chair, is lowered down toward a table bristling with pain-givers. Vader, shadowed by two officers, leans in to watch.)

HAN: Hot, hot, ha…

ANAKIN: Where do I know this guy from?

VADER: He's one of the rebels helping Skywalker in his attempts to overthrow the Empire.

A: No, no, I've seen him somewhere else....

(Vader strides away from Solo. Unbeknownst to him, the machine starts sparking.)

V: Yes…?

A: Um…oh! Wait a minute! Now I know! He was in that holovid we saw the other night!

V: What holovid?

A: You know--the one with the guy looking for that Sith artifact, and when they opened it, the villain's face melted off? "Coruscant Smith", or something like that.

V: I thought it was "Corellia Jones".

A: Whatever.

(pause)

SUZY: He's a hottie!

(In the background, Han starts screaming wildly.)

(pause)

V: Um...what the hell was that?

A: Hmm? Oh, that was Suzy.

V: And who, pray tell, is "Suzy"?

A: She's your feminine side.

(The officers start to look uncomfortable.)

V: I don't *have* a feminine side.

SUZY: If you say so, cupcake.

V: Hey, I'm 100% man!

A: 'Fraid not. Remember back at the Jedi Temple, when they decided to start letting boy bands join the Jedi Order?

V: Yes...

A: And you thought it was just the best idea EVER...?

SUZY: Like, *ever*!

V: No, no! Oh, no! That was temporary insanity! Even the doctors said so!

A: Nope. That was Suzy.

V: Hmmph. No chance. I got over it! I got over that craziness, once the medication started working...and then, much later, I destroyed the Jedi for letting those dumb punks in!

SUZY: You were just jealous, because they had all those cool coordinated lightsaber moves...

V: I'm not talking to you! You don't exist!

(Han’s screaming grows louder as the pain-givers repeatedly ratchet up the intensity.)

A: Shh…shh, D…she does, man. Quiet now, she does. Now, listen; you know all those ideas you've been having about redecorating your meditation chamber?

(The officers attempt to get Vader’s attention.)

OFFICER 1: Lord Vader?

V: Yeah...

OFFICER 2: Excuse me, Lord Vader?

A: In pink polka-dot drapery?

OFFICER 2: Lord Vader?!

V: Well, I think it'd add a nice decorative—holy crap! You're saying that's HER influence?

OFFICERS: (in unison) LORD VADER!!!

SUZY: *smooch*

(The smell of frying flesh starts coming off of Han as thick black smoke fills the room)

V: Oh, man. I need some air. I need to go push somebody around...

A: That's it, dude. Re-assert your manliness!

(As Vader leaves the room in a huff, he switches off the machine, provoking a relieved sigh from the officers. Han’s slightly crispy body slumps in the chair as Lando Calrissian turns to the Dark Lord.)

LANDO: Lord Vader…

(Vader leans over Fett.)

VADER: (aloud) You may take Captain Solo to Jabba the Hutt after I have Skywalker.

A: And when’s that going to be? The twelfth of Never?

V: Shut up!

A: Whoa, too much manliness there…

(Vader stomps down the corridor. Fett and Calrissian follow.)

FETT: He’s no good to me dead.

A: Yeah, that’s right, the reward pays double if he’s ali—

VADER: (aloud) He will not be permanently damaged.

(The three approach a turbolift. Lando stops to speak with the Sith Lord as he enters the lift.)

LANDO: Lord Vader, what about Leia and the Wookie?

VADER: They must never again leave this city.

(Calrissian takes a step into the elevator, outraged.)

LANDO: That was never a condition of our agreement, nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter!

A: Agreement? *What* agreement?

(Vader leans forward.)

VADER: (mockingly) Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?

(A chill comes over Lando.)

LANDO: No…

VADER: Good. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here.

(Lando backs off, and the door hisses closed.)

A: Feel better, now?

V: I do, yeah.

SUZY: Man, I'd love to share a Colt .45 with that hot slab of—

V: La la la—I can't hear you—la la la...

A: *snicker* Give it up, man. You don't know the power of the Suzy...*snort*

(pause)

V: Wait a minute. Wait just a minute--I know what's going on here. There is no "Suzy", is there? It's just you, trying to mess with my head!

A: Would I do a thing like that?

SUZY: You sure wouldn't!

V: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

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#13 User is offline   Lefty Icon

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Post icon  Posted 22 July 2007 - 11:11 PM

the rewrite that (for me) best illustrates how they've gutted the spirit of the thing would have to be in "Empire Strikes Back". To quote my attempt at it from 3 years ago,

Empire Strikes Back revisited:
BEFORE:
Yoda: "Luminous beings are we, not these crude hunks of flesh."

AFTER medaclorian-necessitated revision:
Yoda: "There are little things in your cells; they give you super powers."
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#14 User is offline   Bond Icon

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Posted 22 July 2007 - 11:20 PM

Well, after Qui-Gon teaches him of life in the Force, Yoda then starts going inspirational with his "luminous beings" monologue. wink.gif
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#15 User is offline   Toru-chan Icon

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 02:04 AM

Star Wars Remake 2008

Ok. Damn it. Dynamic Villian's parodies are too good. So let's change the Rewrite Effort into making Star Wars contemporary: If they were being remade (and Hollywood being Hollywood, I guarantee you the Star Wars hexology will one day be remade).

Star Wars 2008

Lando Calrisian: Suave and Charming, he's clearly out of vogue. Let's replace him with 'Fifty-cent Jackson'. He can call the Clonetroopers "Motherf***ers" and bristle that bad-ass attitude before Darth.

Chewbacca: Sells Kayzk to logging interests. Appears in a business suit, smokes cigars, Rolex, Incorporates. Sells Han out for the bounty: Grunts "Sorry old buddy, but I'd face a shareholder suit if I didn't take advantage of this business opportunity."

R2D2 and C3PO: Slow and clunky. Lucas has made great progress in CGI, so now we can have them whirring and gizzing with thousands of springly parts. The Lucasarts CGI dweebs are wetting themselves at the prospects of new and superflous animations.

Millenium Falcon: From above it sort of looks like an Apple? This is a great chance for a tie in with iPhones and iPods. Everyone must carry a mobile phone and chat in them incessantly. Every two minutes the characters must stop to make or receive a call. "Hi Biggs I'm on the Millenium Falcon for a six hour trip. So what's up with you?" Cockpit will need new design with many LCD monitors, which Han and Chewie use to surf the net for pr0n during those long voyages. They can have a Gag where Chewie sees Han looking at Human pr0n and grunts 'You perv! That's sick stuff!'

Music: Get rid of the classic score. Let's use the Matrix 3 Soundtrack: Loud and Obnoxious. Plagarizm is not a worry since no one actually saw Matrix 3.

Filth: Good wholesome family fun is out. We have to have superflous humping like they did in Matrix 3 (the part you slept through). It'll be a good chance to show the complete absence of pubic hair, even on Chewie.

Plot: Well, we really can't avoid the war on terror: It defines our times. So let's pump up the propaganda. When Obi-won tells Luke he's Jedi, Luke can scream terrist and threaten to turn him in. Lots of "Support the Clonetroopers" and "You're either with us or you are with the Sith!" motivational posters. Think FOX Galactic.

The Internet: It defines our times too. Whenever anyone does something, no matter how trite, they must blog it and update their MySpace page about it. Oops. MySpace is no longer cool. I mean Facebook. "I blew up the Deathstar. This is definitely going into Facebook". Luke can find Princess Lei in Wikipedia: "I just looked up Deathstar in Wikipedia and they have the princess in the detention block!" When R2D2 is finally plugged in by the rebels he uploads the Deathstar plans to Youtube. When Han needs to find someplace they can stop for repairs, he can Google for 'Bespin'.

Crappy Film making: They can shoot it all on a handcam for that classic 'reality TV' look.

Undecided

Who can play Luke,Obi,Darth,Paps,Yoda in a way that'll best describe our times?

Princess Leia: Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton?

The New Han Solo? Harrison Ford was recently asked by Lucas to reprise the role in a new Star Wars film. *FORD SAID THIS* and he laughed, and laughed and laughed. Then Lucas said 'Indiana Jones' and Ford said '$ure thing, Buddy!'

Over to you.

This post has been edited by Toru-chan: 26 July 2007 - 02:18 AM

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