[Doctor X]

(Between 4/6/02 and 1/29/03, I emailed Chefelf occasionally giving my thoughts on the listed reasons. Those thoughts follow. Quotes from his original article are italicized.)

Don't panic, I'm not here to nitpick every one, just the ones I take some kind of departure with. (For example, you basically got me there with the "Exsqueeze me?" one.)

Reason #2
The Trade Federation

"What great matters arise from trivial events." -Shakespeare, A play I can't recall and only remember the quote because it's on the side of the Trivial Pursuit box. The whole theme of Episode I is based around this quote. This little brat we find in a backwater junk shop is going to rise up to be the Hitler of Space, and this thing about a Trade Federation and some sort of embargo that, if it was on the news, you'd choose then to switch over to Wheel of Fortune, results in Palpatine's taking over the Senate.


Reason #4
"I have a bad feeling about this."

I'm actually inclined to agree with this one, but not for the same reason. On the Director's Track of the DVD, Lucas says that the line denotes a change of tone in the film. So, if the film were a rock song, that line would be the part where we come out of the solo and back into the main tune. That's why it feels so out of place. The solo belongs after the second chorus, not the first verse.


Reason #5
"Check it out, Corporal."
An army entirely made of droids I will accept (for the current moment). The fact that they have ranks I will not! How can an army of mechanical objects have ranks? Why are they giving commands through audible microphones?

Droids possess some sort of capacity for learning, as we can tell from when C-3PO goes from "not being very good at telling stories" in Episode IV to being able to tell the Ewoks the story of the last two films complete with proper sound effects by Episode VI. It therefore stands to reason that a droid that has been through one or two combat situations might gain some sort of tactical experience, and denoting this by rank is just as good as any other method. Of course, we're then left with the question "Why not just download that experience into all the new droids?" Well, if they were upgradable, they probably wouldn't be so disposable. The adage of "Good, Fast, Cheap: Pick Any Two" holds true.


Reason #6
Qui-Gon's Gross Negligence of the Force
My question is this: Why doesn't he use the force to press the button that would open the doors? Much the same way Luke throws a rock to try to hit a button in Return of the Jedi, Qui-Gon seems to have a brief memory lapse that prevents him from remembering that the Force could easily solve his immediate problems.

All right, in that scene you describe in Jedi, Luke could SEE the rock, and SEE the switch, The Force just helped his girly throw actually hit the mark. How's Qui-Gon supposed to see inside the control room to throw something at the switch, which he also didn't see. There's a zen koan that goes "Before Enlightenment, carrying water and chopping wood. After Enlightenment, carrying water and chopping wood." It means that you can't expect Enlightenment to solve all your problems for you, and you can't expect The Force to flip through the Chilton's Manual for the Trade Federation's Giant Donut Ship and tell Qui-Gon how to open the door. Otherwise, Episode IV would've been about 20 minutes long.

FADE IN: Owen Lars' Farm. OBI-WAI KENOBI walks up to LUKE.

OBI-WAN: Luke, your father is not dead, he was turned into Darth Vader, and now you've got to come with me and join the Rebellion, because The Force tells me that him and Grand Moff Tarkin have built a weapon that can destroy planets, so we need you to fly an X-Wing onto the surface and drop a torpedo into a reactor coolant shaft, thus, blowing the whole thing up.

Besides, as one of the parody scripts I've seen says, "This is the coolest thing ever done with a lightsaber. Ever."


Reason #9
Jar Jar Binks

Everyone on the planet hates Jar Jar, yeah, but...give that some thought. EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET hates Jar Jar! And yet, we all hate Jar Jar in our own unique and special way. I hate him in the way I hate that "Sylvia" cartoon in the newspaper that's never funny, never even remotely amusing, just takes up space that could be used by a decent cartoon. You, on the other hand, might hate him the way one hates having wisdom teeth pulled. George Lucas has to hate him because of all the crap he gets about him, the actor hates him because what he THOUGHT was going to be his ticket to stardom is going to be a big black stain on his resume, my friend Jeff might hate him the way he hated all the other kids in 6th grade for laughing at him when he accidentally called the teacher "Mom." We hate him together, and we hate him separately. I think George Lucas may have latched onto the one unifying factor for mankind. All of us may be brought together by our universal hatred of Jar Jar. Thank you, George Lucas. THANK YOU!


Reason #10
J.U.B.A.

Why is it that every time a ship has a damaged hyperdrive (happens in almost every film) they never have the tools to repair it... on a GIANT starship? Yet anytime there's any obstacle in a single character's way they always seem to have a grappling hook, a set of binoculars or a mysterious underwater breathing device no bigger than a ham sandwich.

Starship tools are too big to fit on the standard issue Jedi Utility Belt. Here's one that I've always wondered about. The Star Wars universe exists without paper. (Look through all the films. It's true.) So, what do they wipe with?

[Chefelf]

Ahh, we had some good times, didn't we Dr. X? Times like that, they don't come again.

[Despondent]

I liked the paperless orafice observation. (I also liked "Doctor Wu" by Steely Dan.)

[Doctor X]

Ahh, we had some good times, didn't we Dr. X? Times like that, they don't come again.

Oh, yeah.

Well, unless I repost them.

Or when Episode III comes out, if I feel anything there worth defending.

[Ferris Wiel]

Reason #2
The Trade Federation

"What great matters arise from trivial events." -Shakespeare, A play I can't recall and only remember the quote because it's on the side of the Trivial Pursuit box. The whole theme of Episode I is based around this quote. This little brat we find in a backwater junk shop is going to rise up to be the Hitler of Space, and this thing about a Trade Federation and some sort of embargo that, if it was on the news, you'd choose then to switch over to Wheel of Fortune, results in Palpatine's taking over the Senate.

The problem here is that you're discussing a 2 hour space epic, not a novel and the Trade Federation element wasn't simply some hidden or subtle point, it was a major plotline. This means the "trivial event" needs to be of interest and not simply some boring, underthought and overwrought incident.

The Trade Federation nonsense was just that. We didn't know or care who the TF was nor did we give two spits about the Naboonies and Gunganites. Their conflict was of little concern and its content was difficult to discern, the makings of C-Span after hours fare, not a Tom Clancy novel.

In any event, to later find it was all a ruse to give the clandestine Palpidious his rise to power simply proved that nobody cares about bureaucracy and therefore the message became:

Petty tyrants can assume greater control through the passage of further burdensome and cryptic "reforms" and later through incremental reductions in liberties for peoples and businesses and increased taxation in spite of the understanding that their parasitic relationship can only survive if their hosts, the taxpayers, survive. When the hosts begin to falter they can then show that the companies and wealthy people were "corrupt" and "worthless" and that further reforms must be made and further liberties must be stripped and further taxations must occur to cover the costs. This weakens public resolve and allows those seeking power to establish an "us versus them" attitude between the classes, particularly one seeking upward mobility through the knocking down of those above. This eventually leading to chaos due to the hosts dying first and the parasite of government dying next any imagined sense of "order" is gone. At least, that's the ultimate conclusion of his line of thinking, in spite of what he may have said.

In any event, I am pretty sure that couldn't have been the message of George Lucas, although he seemed to have some anarchistic leanings in his earlier days. Then again, with his amassed wealth I'm sure he could afford to buy a large army and extensive arsenal.

Reason #5
"Check it out, Corporal."
An army entirely made of droids I will accept (for the current moment). The fact that they have ranks I will not! How can an army of mechanical objects have ranks? Why are they giving commands through audible microphones?

Droids possess some sort of capacity for learning, as we can tell from when C-3PO goes from "not being very good at telling stories" in Episode IV to being able to tell the Ewoks the story of the last two films complete with proper sound effects by Episode VI. It therefore stands to reason that a droid that has been through one or two combat situations might gain some sort of tactical experience, and denoting this by rank is just as good as any other method. Of course, we're then left with the question "Why not just download that experience into all the new droids?" Well, if they were upgradable, they probably wouldn't be so disposable. The adage of "Good, Fast, Cheap: Pick Any Two" holds true.

These droids all operated off of hive mind as was demonstrated by the destruction of the command ship. There may have been one central computer above all else - a "queen" of sorts - but a hierarchy among these 'droids was illogical as all information went directly into the central computer. These were not autonomous units.

Reason #6
Qui-Gon's Gross Negligence of the Force
My question is this: Why doesn't he use the force to press the button that would open the doors? Much the same way Luke throws a rock to try to hit a button in Return of the Jedi, Qui-Gon seems to have a brief memory lapse that prevents him from remembering that the Force could easily solve his immediate problems.

All right, in that scene you describe in Jedi, Luke could SEE the rock, and SEE the switch, The Force just helped his girly throw actually hit the mark. How's Qui-Gon supposed to see inside the control room to throw something at the switch, which he also didn't see. There's a zen koan that goes "Before Enlightenment, carrying water and chopping wood. After Enlightenment, carrying water and chopping wood." It means that you can't expect Enlightenment to solve all your problems for you, and you can't expect The Force to flip through the Chilton's Manual for the Trade Federation's Giant Donut Ship and tell Qui-Gon how to open the door. Otherwise, Episode IV would've been about 20 minutes long.

FADE IN: Owen Lars' Farm. OBI-WAI KENOBI walks up to LUKE.

OBI-WAN: Luke, your father is not dead, he was turned into Darth Vader, and now you've got to come with me and join the Rebellion, because The Force tells me that him and Grand Moff Tarkin have built a weapon that can destroy planets, so we need you to fly an X-Wing onto the surface and drop a torpedo into a reactor coolant shaft, thus, blowing the whole thing up.

Besides, as one of the parody scripts I've seen says, "This is the coolest thing ever done with a lightsaber. Ever."

I'm not expecting that every problem in the world is solved, but Chefelf is right. For all the other bullshit powers that have been attributed to the Force in the prequels, this seems more of a parlor trick. Why not let him use the Force to open the door, I mean, Anakin was allowed to defy the laws of physics in Ep II so what the hell?

Reason #9
Jar Jar Binks

Everyone on the planet hates Jar Jar, yeah, but...give that some thought. EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET hates Jar Jar! And yet, we all hate Jar Jar in our own unique and special way. I hate him in the way I hate that "Sylvia" cartoon in the newspaper that's never funny, never even remotely amusing, just takes up space that could be used by a decent cartoon. You, on the other hand, might hate him the way one hates having wisdom teeth pulled. George Lucas has to hate him because of all the crap he gets about him, the actor hates him because what he THOUGHT was going to be his ticket to stardom is going to be a big black stain on his resume, my friend Jeff might hate him the way he hated all the other kids in 6th grade for laughing at him when he accidentally called the teacher "Mom." We hate him together, and we hate him separately. I think George Lucas may have latched onto the one unifying factor for mankind. All of us may be brought together by our universal hatred of Jar Jar. Thank you, George Lucas. THANK YOU!

Well, there's where we could start peace negotiations in the middle east from, I guess.

Reason #10
J.U.B.A.

Why is it that every time a ship has a damaged hyperdrive (happens in almost every film) they never have the tools to repair it... on a GIANT starship? Yet anytime there's any obstacle in a single character's way they always seem to have a grappling hook, a set of binoculars or a mysterious underwater breathing device no bigger than a ham sandwich.

Starship tools are too big to fit on the standard issue Jedi Utility Belt. Here's one that I've always wondered about. The Star Wars universe exists without paper. (Look through all the films. It's true.) So, what do they wipe with?

To quote Yoda, "The Force is my two-ply. And a powerful two-ply it is."

Seriously, though, Chefelf wasn't talking about the lack of equipment for repairing Hyperdrives. Instead, he was commenting on the fact that any time you need some small crap it's always handy.

--FW

[Doctor X]

Thanks for the well-thought-out response. Spider-Sense is telling me this is going to be fun.

[Jordan]

This is going to be fun. Keep them coming.

[civilian_number_two]

"What great matters arise from trivial events." -Shakespeare, A play I can't recall and only remember the quote because it's on the side of the Trivial Pursuit box.

This is really funny.

'What mighty Contests rise from trivial Things" is a quote from Alexander Pope's THE RAPE OF THE LOCK, which of course came abut two hundred years after Shakespeare. The best coincidence of the day is that Pope also wrote AN ESSAY ON CRITICISM, which contains the often-misquoted line "A little Learning is a dang'rous Thing."

So anyway, really funny. I'm frankly surprised I'm the first to call you on this.

[Doctor X]

I'm frankly surprised I'm the first to call you on this.

As am I. Congratulations, you've spotted one of the 6 deliberate mistakes in this list. Find the other 5 and I'll pay for an order of Pousti Malaka at the local Greek restaurant of your choice. Just give me the name and number and when you want to pick it up, I'll call in and you can go there and ask for it by name.

[civilian_number_two]

Congratulations, you've spotted one of the 6 deliberate mistakes in this list.

No dice, smart guy. I ain't believing that one for a second.

[Jordan]

What great matters arise from trivial events

I guess that was Doctor X's off the top of his head rendition. It pretty funny actually!

Mine would have gone like this:

What BIG things arise from really small things.

This post has been edited by Jordan: 03 April 2004 - 02:55 PM

[jxw]

Reason #5
"Check it out, Corporal."
An army entirely made of droids I will accept (for the current moment). The fact that they have ranks I will not! How can an army of mechanical objects have ranks? Why are they giving commands through audible microphones?

Droids possess some sort of capacity for learning, as we can tell from when C-3PO goes from "not being very good at telling stories" in Episode IV to being able to tell the Ewoks the story of the last two films complete with proper sound effects by Episode VI.

Please rewatch Star Wars. C3PO is just about to blab all about the rebellion to Luke (who he's only just met) and R2D2 makes some whistling noise. Immediately, C3PO goes from talking about all that has happened to them to suddenly not being able to say all that much about it.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but if so, why does R2 whistle at that point? It has always struck me as a warning to shut up.

In any case, an army of robot droids shouldn't have to talk to each other in the way they did. I'm surprised Lucas didn't show scenes of them using walkie-talkies to contact each other, just to rub in the absurdity.

[Despondent]

I think if you freeze-frame the movie at one point you can see one battle-droid give another the "ok" hand-signal.


concerning their demise, did anyone else have the immediate dissapointment that "blow up the mother ship/all threat vanishes" smacked of Independence Day?

after that, the throne room ending only sealed the cynicism.