[civilian_number_two]

Fucking Hell. Ok, I knew this was gonna blow goats, but someone I know wanted to see it, and yadda yadda.

THE GUARDIAN stars Kevin Costner and Kelso from That 70s Show. Costner is trying to play Lou Gosset Jr, but with a troubled recent past, while Kelso is playing Richard Gere, both of course from AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN. This is a point-for-point remake, with occasional snatches of TOP GUN and a dash here and there of GI JANE, CLIFFHANGER, and KINDERGARTEN COP. Ok, not really the last one, but this movie is quite full of cliches. I dare say that there is in fact not one original moment in it.

I am so burned that I saw this film, seriously. I warn you, so that others may live, do NOT see for yourself. Do NOT see THE GUARDIAN.

PS: Melissa Sagemiller as the cynical local girl who refuses a serious relationship with the loner trainee (guess how that turns out?), is damn pretty. But she ain't no Debra Winger, who can really act. Something forgotten in contemporary Hollywood "romances" is that pretty isn't enough. In order that we may care about the people involved, we have to believe they're real.

[Jordan]

Does kevin costner die a hero?

[MyPantsAreOnFire]

You poor bastard.

I hope the person who made you go see it was either fulfilling a dying wish or gave you some afterwards, because there's simply no excuse therwise.

[civilian_number_two]

Does kevin costner die a hero?

No.

He dies performing a routine rescue (of his partner, who failed to obey the basic rule or "save the ones you can save," which had been repeated numerous times, incuding once in a voiceover right before he went in to rescue the one more guy he was told not to try to recue), only to be killed when an infallible piece of equipment breaks out of plot necessity (see CLIFFHANGER). It is fucking retarded.)

[J m HofMarN]

I can already figure out the plot summary.

Kevin Costner: Blargh an event has happened that has conflicted me.

Hot shot young guy: Blargh, I must ascend to the best rank possible to solve a conflict stemming from soemthing that happened.

KC: I give you meaningful advice.

Love interests: We do not love you.

HSYG: Someone has fallen in the water. Time for rescue fun is NOW!

KC: They are safe, though I may or may not have had to sacrifice myself to do it.

Love interests: Now because you have proven that you are manly men we will have sex with you, though there will be no bush shots, for this movie doesn't need an NC17 rating.

[civilian_number_two]

That would have been a better movie. What actually happens is much worse.