[J m HofMarN]

This is different from the news desk because the stories posted here did not happen, and are in fact just people making fun of things that may or may not have happened, but could happen. Everyone can post a news story and to get the ball rolling I'll make up the first one.

[J m HofMarN]

Breaking news: Tiger Woods eats own shoulder, Pizza the Hutt unable to comment.



In an apparent act of drunken celebration after winning some silly golf tournament, Tiger Woods has devoured his right shoulder. Woods is noted for being a black guy who plays a very boring sport dominated by white guys. He was rushed to a hospital afterwards where he was in stable condition and being watched closely by doctors. Said Doctor Lawrence Puffinstuff, "We're keeping an eye on him to ensure that he does not develop gangrene, or get a case of the mucnhies again."

When asked whether the self inflicted injury would harm his game, Woods was confused: "You mean people actually give a damn about this stuff?"

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 10 April 2005 - 10:22 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Girl climbs slide, refuses to come down



In an apparent copy cat crime a young English girl has scaled a very tall slide and refused to come down. Apparently the culprit's name is Jenny Wissledorf and she has unfurled a banner and made unspecified demands. We attempted to reach her parents for comment, but her mother was already busy trying to coax the child's father down from the face of Big Ben.

Our devoted Asian reporter Tricia Takanowa is the person we send out to do all of the dangerous slide scaling terrorist interviewing work we wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. None the less she got us an exclusive interview.

Tricia: Are you doing this in order to get to see your parents?

Jenny: No, I want cookies!

Tricia: Don't you find this to be a rather immature way of getting what you want?

Jenny: At least I didn't dress up as Wonder Woman.

[Just your average movie goer]

Cool story. This is a nice concept actually. Good thinking, JM.

[Slade]

Haha... Double props for everyone's favorite Asian reporter. I'm going to become an anchor here, keep up the reporting, guys. Someone's gotta tell us the news!

[J m HofMarN]

Actually the credit goes to Barend for suggesting that I put the Tiger Woods picture here and start a thread.

[Chyld]

British Royal Family shown to be monkeys
Saturday 9th April

Comments released from the Palace yesterday have proved, finally, that the British Royal family has been replaced by a gang of chimpanzees, and has been since just after Queen Victoria passed away.

Apparently, footage was taken of Prince Harry eating bananas and throwing poop around. Palace official deny this, with the comment "Ooo ooo ooo, monkey want a banana?"

The Queen could not be reached for comment, as she was apparently "climbing trees, followed by picking the fleas from the Duke of Edinborough's fur"

[Just your average movie goer]

That's not news!

[J m HofMarN]

haha now that Diana's gone it's like open season on the royals, good stuff!

[J m HofMarN]

Chefelf5 News has just received a startling report from the American Society for Fake Statistics: In a recent poll by the ASFS of 100 reports of Americans killed in lightening strikes it was found that 100% of people surveyed died in lightening strikes this year!

Against numbers like these there can be no argument. It is very likely that we are all doomed. What can you do to protect your children and yourself? Well, based on our statistics, it's very likely that you're already dead, as shown in this file photo:



Regardless of whether you're a psychic kid who has not yet been struck by lightening, or are already dead and just don't know it, one thing remains clear. You can stay tuned to Chefelf5 News for round the clock coverage of this story as it develops.

[J m HofMarN]

TERRORIST alert! TERRORIST alert! TERRORIST alert!

The Chefelf5 News team has just learned that our supreme leader, George Bush the Second, has raised the terrorist alert level from "mistreated highschool kid with trenchcoat" to "dark skinned guy with a beard carrying a suitcase" what does this mean to you? Will your children be safe now that the threat level has been raised? Howabout your pets? Do you even have pets? If not, perhaps you should get some before terrorists blow up your local ASPCA, with all the puppies and kittens inside. That's right, even the one your son really wanted to get last time.

You could die at any minute. Terrorists ARE lurking outside your house. Your children are not only not safe, but they're likely already dead. Or converted. In our eleven oclock hour we'll show you how to weld all your bodily orifices shut so that your family (now turned into terrorist drones) will be unable to inject anthrax into you. If they havn't already. By the way, it's important that you not panic. Terrorists can smell fear.

What can you do to protect the puppy your son really wanted to get last time from Osama Bin Laden and kids in trench coats? You can stay tuned to Chefelf5 News for further updates. Other than that?

We don't know.



WE. DON'T. KNOW.

Goodnight, and God help us.

[J m HofMarN]

Tonight Chefelf5 news asks the question: Why aren't your children safe? Don't they deserve to be safe? I suppose you think this doesn't apply to you because you don't have any children hmmm? That's interesting, because in a recent survey of soap opera characters by the American Society for Fake Statistics it was found that almost everyone has a child that they either don't know about or are trying to keep a secret from their lover. Fifty percent of the time amnesia is involved.

Could you be an amnesiac parent? And how does that effect your child's safety? In another study by the ASFS it was shown that roughly eleven in five children have been molested by convicted sex offenders. In fact YOU could be a convicted sex offender yourself.



Is it possible you're molesting your children you didn't know you had without even realizing it? And what about the health effects on your child? The molestation may have given them lead poisoning. And the lead may have contained the flu virus. Are your amnesia-bastard-michael-jackson-molested-lead-poisoned children immunised against the flu? Probably not. So what can you do?

Stay tuned for more.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 13 April 2005 - 05:11 AM

[Just your average movie goer]

You're on a roll, mate! These are great.

[Slade]

Haha! I haven't laughed out loud like that in ages, mang. Thanks for that.

[J m HofMarN]

School shooting kills 20, Warrants issued for Marilyn Manson and Pac Man

Chefelf 5 news brings you an exclusive report on the most recent wonderful opportunity for coverage of a very major story. Fuck was the camera on? Ok ok start again.

Chefelf5 news brings you -sniff- a heart rending report on the most recent tragic school shooting. OH WHY GOD WHY! THEY WERE SO YOUNG! TAKE ME INSTEAD! TAAAAKE MEEEEEEEE!

Sorry, this sort of thing just really gets to me -sniffle- Ok. Well we have some details on the crimes now that we've been allowed to share with you. The child's parents, Phil and Jill Sleezebaggano, had been vacationing in Aruba for the past year but had left their AK47 to babysit. Reached for comment Phil had this to say:

"Umm yeah I'm pretty sure we have a son, but don't quote me on that."

Mrs. Jill Sleezebaggano was more helpful: "Yes, Toby called us a few months ago and told us that the kids at school had tattooed an obscene word on his forehead and anally raped him. We didn't think it could lead to THIS though. I mean it's high school, kids are going to get teased."

Friends of young Toby were shocked, with one child mentioning his love of video games. "He used to go home and play pac-man to help forget about the injuries he'd received the previous day at school."

We managed to reach Dr. Phil Slefflemayer, a noted expert on drawing conclusions, for his input.

"Well you can clearly see what led to this. Pac Man is what we call a gateway game. It typically leads to listening to Marilyn Manson and once that happens a school shooting isn't far off. Examining the young man's actions you can see a clear similarity, almost as if he was mimicking the plot of the game exactly.



Pacman walks around eating white dots and fruit and being chased by ghosts, and Toby ran around his school shooting people and then killed himself. It's almost eerie how alike these two actions are.

The babysitter gun was recovered at the crime scene, but the police have not yet commented on its condition.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 14 April 2005 - 02:50 AM