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Joke Thread

#106 User is offline   CJ Marren Icon

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Posted 27 November 2007 - 12:13 PM

With a few exceptions, this may well be the unfunniest thread on ChefElf. How ironic.

This post has been edited by CJ Marren: 27 November 2007 - 12:13 PM

<!--quoteo(post=174818:date=Oct 14 2007, 09:43 AM:name=Cobnat)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Cobnat @ Oct 14 2007, 09:43 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=174818"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><!--fonto:Microsoft Sans Serif--><span style="font-family:Microsoft Sans Serif"><!--/fonto--><!--sizeo:2--><span style="font-size:10pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#FF0000--><span style="color:#FF0000"><!--/coloro-->Lets all have sex with robots until our groins are sore and bloody!<!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc--><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

<!--quoteo(post=169306:date=Aug 10 2007, 11:03 AM:name=Legion)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Legion @ Aug 10 2007, 11:03 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=169306"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><!--fonto:Arial--><span style="font-family:Arial"><!--/fonto--><!--coloro:#483D8B--><span style="color:#483D8B"><!--/coloro--><!--sizeo:3--><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->So why the unholy flying purple donkeypunching fuck will it not work on yours? Just what kind of machine are you running there? Your toaster?<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc--><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

And the man again!
<!--quoteo(post=180859:date=Jan 16 2008, 02:29 PM:name=Legion)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Legion @ Jan 16 2008, 02:29 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=180859"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->In my opinion it's saying, fuck the lightsabers and special effects and fuck your voiceovers and fuck your stupid multimilliondollar game studios; you don't need any of those to make brilliant and scary games that will fuck with your head.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

<u><!--sizeo:3--><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#FF8C00--><span style="color:#FF8C00"><!--/coloro-->My Getting Huge Progress (Gym and weight gain diet)<!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--></u>
<b>May '07:</b> 11st (154lbs)
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<b>November '07:</b> 12st 9lbs (177lbs)
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#107 User is offline   optimus_prime Icon

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Posted 27 November 2007 - 02:15 PM

Three guys were walking in the desert for a long time, and after a while they all came upon a golden genie lamp that lay partially submerged in the sand. One of the guys picks up the lamp and begins to rub it, and before long a magic genie appears before them.

"because you have released me from my 10,000 year sleep, i shall grant each of you ONE wish,.and ONE wish ONLY. But,.in order for your wish to come true..you must each state what you wish for and run towards that cliff over there..and upon your statement..your wish shall come true!"

The three men looked at each other in quick puzzlement,.but each looked weary from being out in the desert for so long and knew that they wanted to make a wish that would each grant them the freedom to quickly escape from the desert.

"Okay,.since I was the guy who found the lamp,.Im gonna make the first wish then"

So the guy takes off running towards the cliff and states his wish as he does..."I want to be a FALCON!"...and as he approaches the edge of the cliff,.he is magically transformed into a falcon and soon flies off into the air and away from the desert.

"Wow!..that was pretty cool!..I want to do that too" says the next guy in line to make a wish. So he also takes off running towards the edge of the cliff and states his wish......

...."I want to be an EAGLE!!"...and as he approaches the edge of the cliff he is magically transformed into an eagle and soon flies away from the desert as well.

The last guy remaining is eager to have his wish granted as well...and doesnt hesitate any longer as he also starts running towards the cliff...but as he runs towards the cliff he accidently stumbles upon a large rock in the sand.........

"I want to be a...ohhhh.... SHITTT!!!!!"

and so the genie grants his request.

This post has been edited by optimus_prime: 27 November 2007 - 02:17 PM

"freedom is the right of all sentient beings"
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#108 User is offline   Dorothy Icon

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Posted 27 November 2007 - 06:47 PM

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? (Answers hidden to increase the fun)
Because he was dead

What is black and white and bounces?
A rubber nun

Maruchan (who makes noodles) and Timex (who makes watches) merged to make a new line of wrist clocks. Unforunately, the joined companies soon went bankrupt. Why?
Because no-one can read Ramen Numerals

What is green, fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table

crying.gif I know, its bad. I can't help it.
"The problem is, you're not a kangaroo... that's a bear... and he's in your pants."
"Maybe artists shouldn't talk about their art."
"Well kids, I guess your father isn't a hermaphrodite."
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#109 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 27 November 2007 - 08:34 PM

I am no good at understanding jokes unless they are my own.

The joke I like:

Office manager: Right, we are going to have new firmware today in our office. You're all fired!

This post has been edited by Deepsycher: 27 November 2007 - 08:36 PM

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#110 User is offline   David-kyo Icon

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Posted 28 November 2007 - 10:50 AM

QUOTE (optimus_prime @ Nov 27 2007, 08:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
"I want to be a...ohhhh.... SHITTT!!!!!"

and so the genie grants his request.

I prefer the one with the two brown-haired women and one blonde, where the blonde says 'I want to be a penguin! They're sooooo cute."
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#111 User is offline   Legion Icon

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Posted 28 November 2007 - 12:04 PM

Okay, my turn. And all of my jokes are about sex. Fairly warned be ye.

-----

A father and his young son are in a chemist's shop purchasing cough medicine. While the father is paying for the medicine, Junior comes running up clutching a three-pack box of condoms.

"Daddy, what are these?" he asks.

"Well son, those are called condoms and they're used for safe sex."

His son's face lights up in understanding. "Ohhh... and why are there three of them?"

"Those, my lad, are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

Satisfied, Junior tears off down the aisle. His father engages in friendly chat with the chemist while the order is filled, and soon his son returns; this time with a six-pack box.

"And what about these ones Daddy, why are there six?"

"Because son, those are for university students. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

Pleased, the young boy sprints down the aisle again. The cough medicine arrives and the father graciously takes the paper-wrapped bottle, just as his son returns with a twelve-pack box of condoms.

"And these? Why are there twelve?" the excited youngster asks.

"Well son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

-----

A man walks into a doctor's office, unzips himself and flops his wedding tackle onto the desk and says flatly "Doctor, I want you to take a look at this."

The doctor examines him and says "I see nothing wrong."

"Yeah I know, but it's a bloody beauty ain't it?"

-----

A young couple with their young daughter are spending the day at the zoo. As they pass the elephant enclosure however the little girl notices that one of the elephants has a massive erection.

"Mummy, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?" she asks.

"That's nothing, dear," her mother replies, blushing.

The little girl tries her father next. "Daddy, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"

Her father replies "That is the elephant's penis."

"Oh. But why did Mummy say it was nothing?"

Her father drew himself up proudly. "Because I've spoiled her, my girl."

-----

A teenage couple are making love in a forest late one warm summer evening. After ten minutes of the usual carnal exchange, the young man sits up and says "Screw this, I wish we had a torch."

"So do I," replied his girlfriend. "You've been eating grass for the last ten minutes!"

-----

Q. Why do blondes prefer cars with sunroofs?
A. More leg room.

-----

An attractive young woman fancies herself somewhat of a gardening prodigy. She especially loves growing tomatoes; but no matter what she tries she cannot get them to turn an appetizing shade of red. One day while taking a walk around the neighborhood she comes upon a male neighbour who has a garden as beautiful as her own, along with a patch full of huge red tomatoes. So she stops in, politely introduces herself and asks him "How is it that your tomatoes are so red?"

The man responds "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the young lady is impressed so she decides to give it a try to see if it works. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the man is passing by and stops in to ask "By the way, how is the garden doing? Did your tomatoes turn nice and red?"

"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

-----

A little girl walks into the kitchen while her mother is preparing dinner and queries "Mummy, what's an orgasm?"

"I wouldn't know, dear," her mother replies bitterly. "Why don't you go ask your father?"
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#112 User is offline   Slade Icon

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Posted 29 November 2007 - 07:51 AM

Heh heh. "Chemist" and "wedding tackle." Is "eating grass" some euphemism for flatulence I don't know about? Some of those are pretty good. tongue.gif

This post has been edited by Slade: 29 November 2007 - 07:52 AM
Reason for edit:: Clarification needed.

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#113 User is offline   Spoon Poetic Icon

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Posted 29 November 2007 - 09:23 AM

Eating grass, like... Because he couldn't see (for lack of a torch aka flashlight), instead of, um, eating something else, he was eating the grass on the ground.

Don't worry, it took me a minute too. Darned different words for the same thing.
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#114 User is offline   Snake Logan Icon

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Posted 10 February 2008 - 10:20 PM

I couldn’t express this joke into words so I made a picture.


Word Vault
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QUOTE (Game Over @ Feb 14 2008, 07:42 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yahtzee, you are the Oscar Wilde of the 21st century.

QUOTE (Patch @ Feb 14 2008, 08:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yahtzee is gay?!
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#115 User is offline   Slade Icon

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Posted 11 February 2008 - 12:07 PM

Let me try.

"So Snake Logan walks into a bar and says to the bar tender 'Those black rappers don't have a decent public education, and were they to actually try for one, their lives would be in danger. You might say they would have to 'get a primary school education or die tryin.' ' "

You're right; it just doesn't work.
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#116 User is offline   Spoon Poetic Icon

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Posted 11 February 2008 - 12:32 PM

Personally, I don't think it works as an image macro, either.
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#117 User is offline   Snake Logan Icon

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Posted 11 February 2008 - 04:30 PM

QUOTE (Slade @ Feb 12 2008, 04:07 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Let me try.

"So Snake Logan walks into a bar and says to the bar tender 'Those black rappers don't have a decent public education, and were they to actually try for one, their lives would be in danger. You might say they would have to 'get a primary school education or die tryin.' ' "

You're right; it just doesn't work.


Wow. That joke flew right over you head.
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QUOTE (Game Over @ Feb 14 2008, 07:42 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yahtzee, you are the Oscar Wilde of the 21st century.

QUOTE (Patch @ Feb 14 2008, 08:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yahtzee is gay?!
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#118 User is offline   Heccubus Icon

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Posted 12 February 2008 - 03:00 AM

So the joke is that 50 Cent is dumb? Uneducated? The point of humour isn't to just blurt out the obvious. And if the joke is that difficult to understand, and in this case just not funny, then the problem isn't with the person who doesn't get it. The problem is with your delivery.

This post has been edited by Heccubus: 12 February 2008 - 03:01 AM

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#119 User is offline   Ninja Duck Icon

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Posted 12 February 2008 - 03:15 AM

QUOTE (Deepsycher @ Nov 27 2007, 11:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Okay I thought of some jokes:

Can someone tell me the differences of three bones?


Now I'm kind of curious. One's humorous, and the other two are kind of like this thread?
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#120 User is offline   Slade Icon

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Posted 12 February 2008 - 10:10 AM

I didn't find it difficult to understand (pretty obvious it's a play on "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" and I don't even like or follow rap), and I was just trying to put that sort of thing into a regular story-joke just to be silly. I discovered that Snake was right and words didn't work with it.

So yeah. Jokes...

"Yesterday I went to a restaurant and ordered a club sandwich. I don't know how I get away with it. I'm not a member." - Mitch Hedberg (There's more but I don't remember it well enough to quote it.)
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