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Joke Thread

#91 User is offline   Sailor Abbey Icon

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Posted 18 May 2007 - 07:29 AM

QUOTE (David-kyo @ Apr 26 2007, 03:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I shall now attempt to translate a typical Hungarian black joke into English so a good time will be had by all. Here goes:

There's a fire in a hospital. After it's been put out, the fireman says to the chief doctor (or whatever they're called in English):
"We have extinguished the fire successfully. We came across three victims in the basement, and applied mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and we were able to revive two of them. However, we failed to bring back the third one.
The doctor faints, when he comes to, he asks the firemen:
"You are aware of the fact that there's only a morgue in our basement?"

Ba-dum-tish.


How was that a black joke?
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#92 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 18 May 2007 - 07:42 AM

QUOTE (Cyzyk @ May 17 2007, 07:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yogahurt? Only Dhalsim makes yoga hurt.


Yes that is what I mean't up to the Dhalsim bit.


Another joke:

What brand car is the feminine of Volvo?
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#93 User is offline   Slade Icon

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Posted 18 May 2007 - 10:50 PM

It must be Volva. tongue.gif
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#94 User is offline   Jane Sherwood Icon

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Posted 18 May 2007 - 11:22 PM

QUOTE (Sailor Abbey @ May 18 2007, 07:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How was that a black joke?

Black joke = black humour. Dark comedy.

I found a geek joke that I just remembered, and since I'm a bit out of my head right now, I'm going to go ahead and repeat it here.

"What goes, 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*) 'BANG!' (*thud*)?"




A Time Lord commiting suicide.
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#95 User is offline   Mirithorn Icon

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Posted 19 May 2007 - 11:37 AM

I love that joke dearly.

I just realized that my favorite joke doesn't work in print. Gosh damn it.

Fortunately, I have another joke that only kind of doesn't work in print.

So there was this tribe of cannibals, and they live in the middle of the jungle. It's a very nice jungle, gets enough rain has lots of toxic animal and plant species, moths the size of small birds, so that's good. In this tribe, people learn their trades through apprenticeships. There are lots of good jobs around- toxic plant avoidance teacher, not toxic, but in fact edible, plant finder- but the very best, most coveted job is cook. You see, these people lived entirely on human meat, which can taste quite bad if prepared improperly. Well, this one young man goes to the head cook, and says, "I want to learn to be a cook." The cook, of course, gets people turning up like this all the time, and clearly he can't accept every hopeful cook who walks up to him and asks for an apprenticeship. So he says to the boy, "Look, I am trying to find an apprentice. But how do I know that you're really serious about this, and not just in it for the fame and glory that goes with the job?" The boy falls to his knees and begs as if his life depends on it for the apprenticeship, explaining how he knows he was born to cook, that he has talent, that he's a good worker, and all he wants is a chance to show it. Well, the cook relents, eventually, because the boy is also very good at making puppy eyes, and he says, "All right. I'll let you on with me. But I warn you, it's not going to be easy." The boy is elated, and want to start immediately. So the cook leads him over to a dead body and says, "All right. The first thing you're going to learn to do is to skin meat, without wasting any blood, if you can help it." The cook shows him how to do it, then shows him how to do it again, and again, and again, and again, maybe fifty times, before the sun goes down and it's too hard to see what he's doing. The next day, the boy is extremely excited about this new apprenticeship, so he promises himself that he'll do the very best job he can, and always do what the cook tells him to. So he's sitting there, skinning the bodies, remembering exactly the riht way to get around tricky bits like nostrils and ears and things without wasting the meat, very carefully. In fact, it takes him first hours to finish his first skinning. Very excited, he calls the cook over. The cook nods at him,and tells him to skin another one. So, he keeps going. He keeps going, in fact, for six months, just skinning, day and night, getting almost no sleep, his fingers covered in bleeding sores from holding the knife so long. But he keeps going and he keeps going and he keeps going until finally, one day, the cannibal cook says, "All right. You can move on to tenderizing the meat now. " So he spends four days telling this apprentice all the ancient secrets about how to tenderize meat, then another two days showing him how to do it. The apprentice spends a year and a half just hitting meat again and again with a sacred tenderizing hammer, which he also learns to make himself, meditates with, and really becomes one with. And finally the cook comes up to him and says, "You've learned everything I can teach you about tenderizing." He pauses dramatically. "Now, you can move on to cooking meat." So he imparts the secret knowledge of how to cook meat, how to roast it on a spit, how to build a grill and make some really awesome human hot dogs. Two years later, the apprentice has burns all over his body, he's had to have primitive reconstructive surgery, he's stabbed himself with meat skewers multiple times and has permanent nerve damage in his left arm. But finally, finally, the cook comes up to him while he's getting a slice of leg muscle roasted just the right way, and says, "You've gotten very good at this. I think it's finally time for the last step- I'm going to teach you how to spice the meat."
Of course, spicing meat is a very difficult thing to do. It's really more ofan art than a science. In total, it takes the apprentice five years to master it, putting just the right amount of each spice in, learning how to collect the plants for the spices, to dry them just right so they won't mold, and finally, one day, he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns around and sees the cook standing behind him, a solemn exp​ression on his face. "I've taught you everything I know," says the older man. "Now you have everything you need to be the chief cook of any cannibal tribe you like. We caught some missionaries yesterday, and I'd really like you to cook them for the rest of the tribe. " Well, you can imagine how excited the apprentice was. He was up day and night, working his very hardest to make the feast just perfect. He takes care to skin them just right to preserve all of the meat, to tenderize it so much it's nearly pudding, cooks them to perfection, adds just the right amount of basil, and arranges them artistically on the huge platters. The meal looks so beautiful that when he brought it out, half of the dinner guests had tears in their eyes. Tension was high as, all together, the guests took their first bite. But within minutes, the peaceful scene had dissolved into chaos. Most of the guests were lying on the ground groaning and holding their stomachs, and the rest were vigourously vomiting into the bushes. The apprentice, panicked, runs to the cook for help. "They're all sick, and throwing up and everything!", he says frantically. "I don't know what I did wrong!" "Just tell me everything you did." says the old man.
"Well," says the apprentice, "I skinned them just like you taught me, and then I tenderized them, and then I made sure that I boiled the meat for exactly half an hour-"
"You boiled them?!?"
"-Yes, I-"
"You FOOL!" groaned the cook. "Those are friars!"
"YOU'RE MISSING A PERIOD. YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY, DON'T YOU? YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU FUCK WITH GRAMMAR? WELL, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MISSING PERIOD! I HOPE IT MEANS YOUR SLUTTY, NON-PUNCTUATED WAYS HAVE GOTTEN YOU TEEN-PREGNANT!"

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#96 User is offline   David-kyo Icon

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Posted 19 May 2007 - 11:46 AM

That's just too long.
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#97 User is offline   Mirithorn Icon

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Posted 19 May 2007 - 11:51 AM

No, see, that's the point! You get to spend 20 minutes telling a joke with a stupid punchline, and then people want to throttle you!

Really, it's obnoxiousness for obnoxiousness's sake. My favorite kind of jokes.
"YOU'RE MISSING A PERIOD. YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY, DON'T YOU? YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU FUCK WITH GRAMMAR? WELL, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MISSING PERIOD! I HOPE IT MEANS YOUR SLUTTY, NON-PUNCTUATED WAYS HAVE GOTTEN YOU TEEN-PREGNANT!"

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#98 User is offline   Cyzyk Icon

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Posted 19 May 2007 - 01:02 PM

In view of Sailor's new sig-

Context is everything. It's OK to prick your finger in many places, but rarely to finger your prick.
Tolerance is another word for Apathy
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#99 User is offline   Slade Icon

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Posted 19 May 2007 - 01:15 PM

Hooray for shaggy dog stories!
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#100 User is offline   Cobnat Icon

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Posted 19 May 2007 - 01:33 PM

There is a spaceship circling the moon; its filled with wondrous gadgets,
bleeping and flashing lights, buttons, switches, screens and knobs.

In the spaceship are Chavez and two pigs in special chairs and seatbelts.
A voice comes from the speaker:

"Earth to Pig One: Press the green button" The pig looks around, finds the
green button, presses it with a hoof.

"Earth to Pig Two: Press the red button" Pig two looks around, finds several red
buttons, scrutinizes them, and presses the right one.

"Earth to Chavez: Feed the pigs"

<><><>

Cobnat, Travis and Chavez are flying in a Commercial jet discussing what to eat when the get home. After a while Travis gets bored and asks the other two guys if they want to play a game; they all agree.

Travis says, "let’s put our hands out of the window and guess at which location we are at." Travis puts his hand out first and says the momentary location they are at. Chavez and Cobnat ask him how he knows this. Travis replies, "Simple, I could hear our congressmen falling asleep"

After a couple of hours Cobnat puts his hand out and said that they were in Canberra, Australia. Chavez and Travis ask him how he knows this. Cobnat replies, "I can smell grilled sausage and hand burgers a mile away"

Then not much later Chavez puts his hand out and said that they were in Mexico City, Mexico. Cobnat and Travis were perplexed, so they ask him how he knows this. Chavez replied, "some guy just stole my watch"

This post has been edited by Cobnat: 19 May 2007 - 01:34 PM

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#101 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 17 June 2007 - 06:23 PM

Right I want some guesses for this one because I think it is good.
It is pretty simple.

Rumsfeld's the name.

...
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#102 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 17 June 2007 - 10:31 PM

None of you got the joke?

This is what I mean:

Rumsfelds the name

Oilsfields the game

This post has been edited by Deepsycher: 17 June 2007 - 10:34 PM

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#103 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 17 June 2007 - 11:38 PM

Not again!!!!!

Rumsfelds the name

Oilfields the game

One joke ruined just because of an s that was not meant to be there! Sorry about that. So disappointed.
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#104 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 18 June 2007 - 01:16 PM

Through failure a new success is born.

... In China it's your death.
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#105 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 27 November 2007 - 11:14 AM

Okay I thought of some jokes:

Can someone tell me the differences of three bones?

This post has been edited by Deepsycher: 27 November 2007 - 11:19 AM

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