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Joke Thread

#16 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 01 March 2006 - 07:11 PM

I think for a description of the shape of the peanut, and the effective protection of the packaging.

Why the word “free” is used at large to mislead people into commitment?
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#17 User is offline   Cobnat Icon

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Posted 01 March 2006 - 09:25 PM

OH FSS!!! This is a JOKE thread, please people, post jokes not bullshit that no one really cares about.
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#18 User is offline   Gobbler Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 01:21 AM

*rolls on floor laughing* Hehe, good one COBNAT. You sounded as if you'd really believe that people would react the way you want them to somewhen in the future.

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Pop quiz, hotshot. Garry Kasparov is coming to kill you, and the only way to change his mind is for you to beat him at chess. What do you do, what do you do?
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#19 User is offline   Zatoichi Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 01:24 AM

Well, I found the jokes funny. I think I've heard some of them before too.

Alas, I cannot think of one.
Apparently writing about JM here is his secret weakness. Muwahaha!!!! Now I have leverage over him and am another step closer towards my goal of world domination.

"And the Evil that was vanquished shall rise anew. Wrapped in the guise of man shall he walk amongst the innocent and Terror shall consume they that dwell upon the Earth. The skies will rain fire. The seas shall become as blood. The righteous shall fall before the wicked! And all creation shall tremble before the burning standards of Hell!" - Mephisto

Kurgan X showed me this web comic done with Legos. It pokes fun at all six Star Wars films and I found it to be extremely entertaining.
<a href="http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/cast/starwars.html" target="_blank">http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/cast/starwars.html</a>
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#20 User is offline   Cobnat Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 01:27 AM

QUOTE (Gobbler @ Mar 1 2006, 10:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
*rolls on floor laughing* Hehe, good one COBNAT. You sounded as if you'd really believe that people would react the way you want them to somewhen in the future.


I know, Im goddamn funny. biggrin.gif
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#21 User is offline   Zatoichi Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 02:05 AM

QUOTE (COBNAT @ Mar 2 2006, 01:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know, Im goddamn funny. biggrin.gif


That deserves a

*de dum chsh* laugh.gif
Apparently writing about JM here is his secret weakness. Muwahaha!!!! Now I have leverage over him and am another step closer towards my goal of world domination.

"And the Evil that was vanquished shall rise anew. Wrapped in the guise of man shall he walk amongst the innocent and Terror shall consume they that dwell upon the Earth. The skies will rain fire. The seas shall become as blood. The righteous shall fall before the wicked! And all creation shall tremble before the burning standards of Hell!" - Mephisto

Kurgan X showed me this web comic done with Legos. It pokes fun at all six Star Wars films and I found it to be extremely entertaining.
<a href="http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/cast/starwars.html" target="_blank">http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/cast/starwars.html</a>
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#22 User is offline   Cobnat Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 04:29 AM

biggrin.gif Thats so goddamn funny, ha, anyway, does anyone have any jokes?
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#23 User is offline   Gobbler Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 04:35 AM

John comes home from work with a sheep tucked under his arm. He goes up the stairs to his livingroom where his wife is lying in the bed and reading.
"Honey", John says. "This is the pig I've been screwing when you were not available."
His wife looks up, shows a confused smile and says: "Darling, that's not a pig - that's a sheep."
And John replies: "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

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Pop quiz, hotshot. Garry Kasparov is coming to kill you, and the only way to change his mind is for you to beat him at chess. What do you do, what do you do?
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#24 User is offline   Cobnat Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 05:44 AM

HAHA Good one... Im busy right now, got tons of jokes Ill give you guys tommorow.
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#25 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 09:06 AM

Nice one Gobbler, but I have to say, it's a rather odd house setup if they sleep in the living room tongue.gif
The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?
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#26 User is offline   Gobbler Icon

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Posted 02 March 2006 - 09:32 AM

Oh dear, here I go confusing the rooms again. wacko.gif My apologies.

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Pop quiz, hotshot. Garry Kasparov is coming to kill you, and the only way to change his mind is for you to beat him at chess. What do you do, what do you do?
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#27 User is offline   Cobnat Icon

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Posted 03 March 2006 - 03:39 AM

* Mathematical proof:

Girls are time and money: girls = time * money;
but, time is money: time = money;
which implies: girls = money * money;
which implies: girls = money^2;
but, money is the root of all evil: money = (all evil)^1/2;
which implies: money^2 = all evil;
therefore, all girls are evil: girls = all evil.

* Logic

Major Premise: Power corrupts;
Minor Premise: Knowledge is power;
Conclusion: Knowledge corrupts.

Smart man + smart woman = romance;
Smart man + dumb woman = affair;
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage;
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.



--------------



A couple are touring a graveyard when they spot a tombstone that reads "Here lies an honest man and a politician." The man says to the woman, "Look honey, there's two people in that grave."

Abraham Lincoln was accused of being two-faced. Lincoln replied, “If I had two faces, do you think this is the one I’d be wearing?”

President John Kennedy once read a fake telegram from his rich father, "Jack, Don't spend one dime more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I am going to pay for a landslide."






--------------


Sven says "Hey Ole, you may want to invest in some drapes for your bedroom, last night I kinda saw you and Lena going to town."
Ole says "The jokes on you Sven, I wasnt even home last night!"


-------------
*Warning: May be offensive, dont say I didnt warn you*

Two nuns are riding bicycles down a cobblestone street. The first says "I've never come this way before", to which the other replies, "must be the cobblestones".

Child: "Mommy, when are we going to reach Europe?"
Mother: "Shut up and keep swimming."

Q: Why did the leper go back into the shower?
A: He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q: How do you make a dead girl float?
A1: A glass of root beer, two scoops of ice cream, and a scoop of dead blonde hair.
A2: Take your foot off its head.

- What do you call three white people pushing a car up a hill?
- White power.
- What do you call three Hispanics pushing a car up a hill?
- Grand Theft Auto.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all order a beer in a pub. The Englishman's beer has a fly in it, so he orders a new one. The Irishman's beer also has a fly in it, so he picks it up and flicks it away. The Scotsman's beer also has a fly in it, so he picks it up and shouts, "Alright yah wee fucker, spit it out!"

Q: Why did God invent yeast infections?
A: So that women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt!

Q: Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?
A: To get oxygen to his brain!

Q: A woman gets hit by a car. Whose fault is it?
A1: It's the woman's fault - what was she doing outside the kitchen?
A2: It's the driver's fault for driving into a kitchen.

Q: Why do they slap babies on the bottom when they're born?
A: To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she was a woman!

* What do you call one Russian? --A drunk. What do you call two Russians? --A fight. What do you call three Russians? --The junior sub-commitee of the 3rd Party Secretariat of the 8th District ...
* What do you call one Jew? --A financial center. What do you call two Jews? --The World Chess Championship. What do you call three Jews? --Native Russian Folk Instrument Ensemble.
* What do you call one Ukranian? --A partisan. What do you call two Ukranians? --A partisan cell. What do you call three Ukranians? --A partisan cell with a traitor in their midst.

* "During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border."
* "When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn." (see Chinese names)
* The first report of the first taikonaut: "Devices OK, boiler-men on duty!"
A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine emerges. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Where did the Soviet submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West, bearing 149.5 degrees" "Thanks!" says the American, and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West bearing 149.5 degrees" "Stop pulling my leg," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!"

An advisor asks Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev: "Leonid Ilyich, I've heard you are a great fan and collector of political anecdotes? How many do you have already?" / "Twelve labor camps!"

Brezhnev is reading a speech: "Comrades, communism is on the horizon..." Suddenly, a question from the audience: "Comrade Brezhnev, what is a horizon?" Brezhnev: "Horizon is a line that moves away as you approach it".

After waiting five hours in a line to buy meat, in the dead of winter, Igor begins to snap. He starts jumping up and down, yelling, "I can't stand it anymore! This developed Socialism sucks! The system is totally corrupt!" After a couple of minutes, a grim-looking type in a black trenchcoat approaches Igor, shakes his head slowly, points his finger to Igor's temple mimicking a pistol, then walks off without saying a word. Igor comes home especially dejected. His wife asks, "What's the matter? Are they out of meat again?" "Worse," Igor says. "They're out of ammo."

* The six paradoxes of communism:

Everyone has a job, but no one does any work.
No one does any work, but production targets are always reached.
Production targets are always reached, but the shops are always empty.
The shops are always empty, but everyone has all they need.
Everyone has all they need, but no one is happy.
No one is happy, but they always vote for Communists.

Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there so much."

* Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?

A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!".

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."

Brezhnev is sitting in his office. Podgorny enters the room. "Have you read The Virgin Lands?" Brezhnev asks.

"Yes, sir. It was very good," answers Podgorny.
A few minutes later, Kosygin enters the office. "Eh, Alexey, have you read The Virgin Lands too?" asks Brezhnev.
"Oh yes, my dear Comrade General Secretary, in fact it was so good, I am in a rush to get home to re-read it."
"Well," thinks Brezhnev, "if they all liked it so much, maybe I should give reading it a try."

* In a restaurant:

-Why the meatballs are of cubic shape?
-Perestroika! (restructuring)
-Why are they undercooked?
-Uskoreniye! (acceleration)
-Why are they bitten?
-Gospriyomka (state approval)
-Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?
-Glasnost! (openness)

* What is glasnost?

Truth, the whole truth, and... nothing else but truth.

* A hotel. A room for four; four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka, get acquainted, drunk, and noisy, singing and telling political jokes against KGB. The fourth one tries to get some sleep, finally, frustrated, he leaves the room and asks a maid to bring tea to Room 67 in 10 minutes. Then he comes back in, and 5 minutes later says loudly into an electrical outlet: "Comrade Major, tea to Room 67, please." In 5 minutes, a knock at the door, tea comes, the room falls dead silent. The next morning this guy wakes up, alone in the room. Surprised, he asks the maid where the neighbors are. "People from KGB have arrested them", she answers. "But you were lucky, because Comrade Major liked your joke with the tea."
* An international team of scientists is excavating an Egyptian pyramid. They find an unmarked mummy. The German scientists get it first, study it for a month, finally release a study proving it's from the Middle Kingdom. The US team goes in, does their thing for a week, then announce the mummy is from the 19th dynasty. Then the Russian scientists go in, come out a day later, and announce it's Amenhotep the III, 19th Dynasty, 53 years of age, ruler of Egypt for 37 years. Everyone is stunned: "How did you figure that?" The Russians smile: "Oh, he confessed."

A man is showing his friends around his new apartment. One of them asks, "How come you don't have any clocks?" The man responds, "But I do have one. I have a talking clock." / "But where?" / He takes a hammer and strikes a wall. From the other side of the wall, somebody yells, "It's 2AM, you bastard!"

* An old woman stands in the market with a "Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and asks, "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" And she tells him, "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..."

* A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl NPP?" "Yes, there was." - answered the Grandpa and stroked grandson's head. "Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?" "Yes, absolutely" - answered the Grandpa and stroked the grandson's second head. And, clicking with their hooves, they went on a walk through the tunnels.

---

There you go, phew!!!

These two are my favorites:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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#28 User is offline   Zatoichi Icon

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Posted 03 March 2006 - 08:37 AM

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Now that's a lot of laughs.
Apparently writing about JM here is his secret weakness. Muwahaha!!!! Now I have leverage over him and am another step closer towards my goal of world domination.

"And the Evil that was vanquished shall rise anew. Wrapped in the guise of man shall he walk amongst the innocent and Terror shall consume they that dwell upon the Earth. The skies will rain fire. The seas shall become as blood. The righteous shall fall before the wicked! And all creation shall tremble before the burning standards of Hell!" - Mephisto

Kurgan X showed me this web comic done with Legos. It pokes fun at all six Star Wars films and I found it to be extremely entertaining.
<a href="http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/cast/starwars.html" target="_blank">http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/cast/starwars.html</a>
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#29 User is offline   Deepsycher Icon

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Posted 03 March 2006 - 09:35 AM

Yes I have seen the logic ones at the top before.

I have found this:

[(U+C+I)]*(10-S)/20*A*1/(10-sin(F/10)]

U=Urgency
C=Complexity
I=Importance
S=Skill
F=Frequency

But I am having problems putting it to practice.
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#30 User is offline   Otal Nimrodi Icon

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Posted 03 March 2006 - 11:34 AM

Help! Dee's speaking math! Make it stop... *cries*


Seriously, it doesn't really seem humorous.
Want a Tarot reading?

PM me, we'll talk.
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