31 THINGS GUYS SHOULD KNOW - the conspiracy revealed

A friend of mine gave me an email with these 31 questions in it... BTW, it was written by a girl I used to know (i will make it clear as you read through it).
Below you will se the questions and my comments after each.

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house... they run
around in their underwear just like we do.

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"just like we do" caught my eye, if this is a girl, then what does she mean when she says that "they" run around in their underwear just like "we" do... I think this is a plan to brainwash guys and making them think that a guy wrote this...

If we dont go to their house, are we to assume that they have cars and will pick us up? In this feminist hellhold that is this planet I think its only fair.
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2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem fool proof, but girls tell each
other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out
and you will be mud.

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Damn... my imaginary girlfriend must know about my imaginary affair, it must be too late already to tell her that it wasnt seriuos, I hope my imaginary secutary doesnt start stalking me afterwards.
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3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any
of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of
them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

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Why are they kicking my ass in the first place? Am I to assume it has anything to do with my imaginary girlfriend? Do I need to worry that the male side of my family will gang bash me to have my imaginary girlfriend? Do I need to lock her up in my attic then? Is that against human rights? Am I going to get angry emails from feminists?
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4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

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If they are, then I hope guys say that... ofcourse if they arent, then it would be bad to lie to them and have them life in a fantasy.
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5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at
you, it's because they're jealous.

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Or becouse its gross, I wouldnt want to see one of my friends slobber all over his girlfriend while Im eating my lunch... thats really gross, why the hell would any guy say that... that is #1 evidence that this wasnt written by a guy.
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6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

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What if they are on thier periods? Are we guys to assume that they slap us becouse we deserve even if they have a mental disorder? (thats right! Females go crazy and completly change personalities when on thier periods)
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7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going
out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in
your arms. yeah... sheesh...

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Hm... Im afriad that always leads to rape.
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8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you
did.

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No problem there.
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8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you
did.

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Damnit, now I cant brag about my imaginary girlfriend!
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9. You can be dirty minded in private. Really... most of them are
not offended by it...

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I... dirty minded? Damnit... so what if we're having sex, are we to be robots then?
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10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like
whales. hehehe

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No shit, I think we have all seen our mothers eat.
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11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do
discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make
your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it
and your friends will know...

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I dont mind that everyone knows, Ill just say Im a feminist and believe in equal rights for everyone... and equal billing.
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11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay
all the time! lol... man I feel sorry for you guys...

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SEE!!! "man I feel sorry for you ****guys****..." this is evidence #2 that this was written by a girl and that she is shallow and only dates guys for thier money.
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12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend -
one stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

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Ok... thats a bit gross... sharing a sweatshirt I mean.
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13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're
dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her
off, call to be sure she's home safely.

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What if she is sneaking into the house at 3:23 in the morning and not trying to wake her parents... are we to call out then?
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14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit
out of him.

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That always leads to me getting beaten up... girls think its so easy to kick someones ass, its not.
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15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your
girlfriend closer.

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What if your girlfriend is the female friend your talking too... it would be a bit weird that every time she talks to you, you pull her closer.
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16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even
if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or
something, never make any gestures back.

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1. How can you slap someone in a joking way?
2. I will defend myself if attacked, I will not hit her, but I will not just stand there and be an idiot that doesnt give out gestures.
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17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether
you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

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I see... and I suppose that guys will have to pay for this too? pffft!
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18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets,
parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their
parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

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What if their pets, parents and best friends are one and the same? Should we be all those things or just one?
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19. Don't flirt with their moms... that's just freaky.

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WTF!? Has anyone actualy done that in real life? And if they do that, that must say something about the girl then.
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20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does
make them feel like shit, so be understanding.

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What the hell is PMS? No wait... a friend told me just now, it is a pre-period or something...
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21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

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What if I drive worse?
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22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your
friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
Ya you damn better well.

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Hm... no, Ill introduce her as my brother.
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23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want
to be with you. Really.

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Hm... what if shes a shallow materialistic whore?
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24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without
being asked.

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What if they say that they're vegina hurts... do we rub that then?
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25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be
very gentle.

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Gee... I can only imagine one time Id wrestle with a girl.
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26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're
basically screwed for life.

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Does that mean she will screw me for life!? YAY!!!
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27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

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WTF!? Who the hell wrote this shit!?
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28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas
or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to
be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

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Oh for fucks sake, your such a shallow bitch! #3 evidence that this is a girl!
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29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait
to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

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Pffft... at the beggining Im gonna say "Are we going seriuos or not?" if she says no then Im not driving her back home, she can walk.
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30. Which leads onto don't be afraid to make the first move. Girls bitch and whinge, and soon everyone will find out she's the one wearing the pants in your relationship.

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1. "don't be afraid to make the first move" always leads to rape...
2. "bitch and whinge" describes shallow girls pretty well... technicly they arent girls anyway, they are evil monsters from the black lagoon.
3. "wearing the pants" cant we both wear the pants? I dont think girls wear skirts nowdays anymore.
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31. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really
have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly
trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and
control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would
kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

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Really? Nanosecond? I wonder if you cant count to ten nanoseconds... pffft... girls dont understand maths...
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BTW, this is a rant/observation.