[barend]

i'd like to, if i may adress these issues from own personal experiences, wisdom, and whatnot...

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house... they run
around in their underwear just like we do.

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But do they answer the door in their underwear just like we do?
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2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem fool proof, but girls tell each
other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out
and you will be mud.

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Unless of course you're; good looking, have a washboard stomach, or rich.

In which case i'm more than sure you'll be forgiven. Even if she actually dumps you one of her close friends she told will likley fill the postion she just left vacant for you.
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3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any
of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of
them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

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It's cool, you can probably take them. And if you can't, feel free to remind them that beating you up will only lead to her feeling sorry for you and having sorry-my-nasty-relatives-beat-you-up-sex.
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4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

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Even though the word has been rended meaningless through it's over use by unimaginative asshole jiggalo types on every girl they've ever met.

and don't tell her too often, or she'll start thinking she can do better... and leave you.
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5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at
you, it's because they're jealous.

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They're right to laugh at you...

the only reason anyone would partake in a public snog is because they're making a pathetic attempt to reinforce their own importance through procreative association. (ie. they think they actually matter to the world because they have found someone, but are so insecure about it that they have to 'show off' to their friends who've probably already had orgies and so you're showing them nothing new).

in other words... GET A ROOM!
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6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

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Like if you beat their tetris highscore.
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7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going
out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in
your arms. yeah... sheesh...

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unless they're just not in the mood...

which is the number one reason for number 6.
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8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you
did.

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There are many good reasons for this...

the best one being; incase they come out a week later and confess that they're really a man.
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8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you
did.

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Not even if you've been together for seven years and have four kids, and you're friends press you about it... always say; "Nope, not once, never!"
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9. You can be dirty minded in private. Really... most of them are
not offended by it...

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In fact you can be dirty minded when she's in the room... it's not like she's telepathic.
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10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like
whales. hehehe

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quantity is irrelevant... they all eat like pigs.
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11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do
discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make
your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it
and your friends will know...

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Let it serve as a lesson that they want you to pay for EVERYTHING! it's not how much you spend on them... just that you spend ALL you have on them!
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11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay
all the time! lol... man I feel sorry for you guys...

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SEE!!!

...and we feel sorry for us to... imagine how embarrassed we feel evertime we think we've got a new girlfriend, only to find out we've been hanging out with a prostitute who's been on the clock the whole time...
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12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend -
one stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

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There are only three things a girl should really expect or want from her boyfrind that he SHOULD deliver;
loyalty, affection, and orgasms!
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13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're
dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her
off, call to be sure she's home safely.

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Although you may want to reconsider 'dropping her off' if your ride is an helicopter.

It might be nicer if you lower a ladder or something.
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14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit
out of him.

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In fact it's a turn on.

it's just too bad the law feels differently about what constitutes as your rights on such matters.
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15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your
girlfriend closer.

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...then pull your female friend closer, then your girlfriend a little more, then your female friend again... before they know it... you're having a threesome.
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16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even
if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or
something, never make any gestures back.

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same goes for jokingly stabings and jokingly shooting...

ass slapping is widley permitted, however.
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17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether
you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

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Whether or not you enjoy any activity is of little consequence to her.
and she'll be less and less shy about it every year.
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18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets,
parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their
parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

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just don't get caught in bed with ANY of them...
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19. Don't flirt with their moms... that's just freaky.

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but it's the best way to get the best part of the roast every sunday.
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20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does
make them feel like shit, so be understanding.

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Just be thankfull that you and the 'gross' part have little if any interaction...
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21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

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Don't look a gift chauffer in the mouth.
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22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your
friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
Ya you damn better well.

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Because if you say 'partner' we'll all think you're gay.
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23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want
to be with you. Really.

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and with a serving of lobster, salmon mouse, champagne, etc.
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24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without
being asked.

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even if broken bone is protruding through the skin?
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25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be
very gentle.

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and for christs sake wear a cup!
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26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're
basically screwed for life.

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Yes, even after she dumps you.... and never see's you again... your life will be screwed.
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27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

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again if your rich and thin, you'll get away with that $2 sports spraycan that makes everyone else on the bus gag.

without looks, $200 eu savague by christine dior will do nothing for you.
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28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas
or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to
be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

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because, between a detailed and deadly acurate sculpture of her you made from clay with your own two hands, and jewlery that some machine made... guess which she'll consider 'meaningful'.

(hint: the expensive one)
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29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait
to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

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in fact... don't even ask her out to begin with.
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30. Which leads onto don't be afraid to make the first move. Girls bitch and whinge, and soon everyone will find out she's the one wearing the pants in your relationship.

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always, with the first move... girls are so freakin' lazy. we've been making the first move for thousands of years...

how about...

YOUR TURN!!!!
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31. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really
have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly
trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and
control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would
kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

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that nanosecond is when she meets your better looking friend.
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....i got to point 28, and someone disconected my computer... so i had to type it all again. grrrrrrrrrrr....

This post has been edited by barend: 30 January 2006 - 05:51 PM

[Kirby]

COBNAT, see how barend formatting so that we can tell the differance between comments and lists were. Learn from that. Things are so much more funny when they are easy to read.

[barend]

more importantly...

guy's know and understand very little about women...
but women seem to know even less about themselves.

never take advice from women about women!!!

my favorite tidbit from a girl was; "confidence is the most attractive thing in a guy... as long as you walk up to a girl with confidence, she's yours."

yes... i'm sure any girl that had Orlando Bloom on one side acting shy and nervous and say me booming with confidence on the other, would totally go for the fat ugly guy.

women complain that we don't listen enough, but the real problem is we've listen too much... no we're totally misinformed. The secret to women is ignoring them.

I've learned this lesson way too late... but looking back i got my last two girlfriends because i tried to keep brushing off one (because i was affraid that if a talked to her for two long i'd just fall for her and never have her), and the other because our mutual female friend introduced me with; "This is Barend... he's on of those guy's that hates women." (I don't know why she said that, but it worked).

[Otal Nimrodi]

Hmm.. what a wonderful way to be introduced.

[J m HofMarN]

"27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good."

HEHEHE

[Otal Nimrodi]

Yeah, that one confused me.

JM, will you be doing this list too?

[Dorothy]

Ok, that is IT! I'm commenting, and nobody can stop me!!
Tiny note: Color coded for convenience and because I have not too much better to do.
Dorothy Says:
REAL women say:
This list is stupid because:

1. Don't show up at my house because I didn't invite you. Unless I did, in which case, call first or I'll pretend I'm not home.
A little courtousy goes a long way. Don't just show up at an odd hour.
It talks about underwear. I don't want strange guys or even people I know thinking about my haircolor, much less whether or not I'm wandering my house in my... nevermind

2. Your name will not be mud. Your name will be dead.
Girls don't tell each other everything, but they will find out
Mud? Who's name is really mud? And what kind of consequence is that anyway... "Hi, my ex says my name is mud..."

3. I'll kick your butt. No really *kick* I often kick people...especially in the butt.
If a guy is really worth it, a woman will pick him over anybody else.
What woman in her right mind would allow a "male friend" to beat on her squeeze? I mean, really. Unless he really really deserved it, and even then she would probably handle most problems herself. If a guy gets beat up by a family, he should have at least done something really awful.

4. Only say it if you mean it. If I know for a fact that I'm not beautiful on that day, and you insist that I am, I may hit you with my truck.
Flattery is useless unless you mean it, or you can lie well enough to pull it off
Complements should be heartfelt, and should go both ways. It's not just the job of one person to see to the confidence of another person.

5. Kiss me in front of my friends, I'll punch you in the face.
Occasional public displays are appropriate, but not in every case. She doesn't want you to be embarrased any more than you want to embarrass yourself. If it's not something that you would do, don't do it.
Some women could be really offended by this, then they'd get mad at you.

6. Ok, when I'm mad, I don't have the coordination to slap someone. So pretty much I reply with scathing words, and hoping that the other person didn't see me walk into that wall or snap myself in the face with that strap from that one suitcase, which he didn't see (thankfully) but if he had he would have noticed that I was so angry that I no longer felt physical pain. But it did leave a nasty welt the next day, which he didn't notice either.
If she slaps you, you probably deserved it.
Slapping could lead to further physical abuse, which is never good, no matter who it comes from.

7. Sneak up on me, and I'll scream. Touch me and I'll pinch you.
Some touching is okay at some times. Use your best judgement.
THIS IS SO DUMB!

8. & 8.5. How 'bout just don't lie.

9. I don't want to know. No, really... seriously... probably...
Again it's all about appropriateness. If you start talking dirty to a woman when she's angry at you, you may win her over to your side of the argument, or your name may be dead. Gamble at your own risk.
"most of them are not offended by it." You may be the lucky one in like a bazillion that winds up with the one girl that is offended by it, and she hacks you to death with he toenail clipper.

10. Talk about what I eat, and you may end up with a corndog where your eye should be. Your choice.
Probably not the best topic of discussion at any time. "My, sweetie, I notice that you are eating like a whale today." I don't think there is any recovery from that.
Eating is a sensitive subject for most women, and should only be breached if you know her really well, if at all.

11. Pay all the time and I'll feel like a mooch and I'll hate you. Never pay and I'll think your a mooch and I'll hate you. It's pretty much a hate/hate situation.
You could pay, or I could pay. It pretty much depends on who has money at the time.
Good grief. Yes, let's use up all of his money at one time! Brilliant! stupid

12. I have stuffed animals, I never wear sweatshirts, and if you buy me a shiny ring, I'll think that your proposing, and I may kill you. Or run away screaming. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
Gifts should be spontanious and well-thought out. It doesn't have to be expensive or even something that was yours. Just a little something to let her know that you think about her and what she likes.

13. Everywhere we go, I'll meet you there. I don't want you to know where I live.
Seeing her to the door wouldn't kill you...

14. If a guy is bothering me, it would probably be best if you kept me from fighting him. Just a thought. But you could stage a fight for me. That would be cool.

15. A guy can talk to his friends as much as he wants to.
If she is so insecure about your female friends, lose her or lose them. If not, then no problem. Unless it is. Then, once again, you name is dead.
This list is too long. Stupid talkative people and thier stupid talkative ways.

16. My mom told me hitting is not ok, and I believe her.
Self defense excluded, no hitting. At all. ever. I mean it. Don't make me turn this car around.
Hitting is dumb. Everybody knows that writing mean things on post-it notes and sticking them to people is the wave of the future.

17. I don't want you to see me cry. Stay away from chick flicks at all costs.
While showing an interest in things that interest her is important to most women, if she wanted a clone of herself... she would... clone herself. Protest, and go if you want.
It is entirely possible that chick flicks are some of the most worthless of all movies. Join me in protesting all of these abominations. Thank you.

18. It makes me laugh when my dog hates people.
Be nice, but you can't help it if people don't like you. The only thing that you can control is your attitude. *looks over glasses in an especially stern librarian-type way*
Again, this list is just too dang long.

19. It makes me laugh when guys flirt with my mom, or my grandma. I'm pretty confident that a guy isn't going to use me to get at my mom. *sings Dorothy's mom has got it going on...*
Ok, this is stupid. That's all.

20. I don't even want to think about _ _ _, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to be pampered because you think it might be around that time.
Sensitivity is important on both ends. It takes maturity and caring to be able to see past your own problems and care for someone who might be hurting, whether you are a man or a woman.

21. You drive your car, I drive my car.
Drive how you want, and if you don't like how I drive, then don't ride in my car.
Reubens are quite possibly the best sandwiches out there.

22. Introduce me as my name, and as your mortician.
Labels may or may not be important, depending on the relationship.
They said I would get more doughnuts, but I didn't.

23. Really, it doesn't matter. But if we go to Taco bell more than twice in one week, I may not be so tolerant.
This one really isn't so very far off... or maybe I'm tired of this list.
No matter what barend says, a woman will not eat a mouse. Even if it is salmon.

24. If I say something hurts, don't touch it.
Ask first.
To trip it trip it trip it trip it triiiiip it up and dooooown.

25. Everybody is fragile, don't be dumb. Don't hurt people.

26. I really don't mind forgotten birthdays. I just expect better gifts.
If it's important to you, then it's probably important to her.

27. Just don't stink, unless you have to. In which case, stink away.
Have I mentioned lately how stupid this list is? Because it is.

28. Keep in mind that I'm pretty cheap, and you don't want me to feel bad about my gift, now do you?
It's the thought that counts. That and that you don't leave the price tag attached to the present when you give it to her.
Presents are a gift, and that's why it's called the future.

29. She may have already broken up with you, and you just don't know it yet.

30. It is my hope, nay, my dream that someday everyone will wear pants. If you're not, don't tell me.
Pants are good. A lot better than skirts or shorts. Ask her out if you like her, or wait around. Whatever. This goes for the women too, if you think you would like to date him, ask him out, or don't. Whatever.
But these aren't my pants...

31. I don't trust people.
That list was too long.
I agree.

Now all three of us are going to go to a basketball game, and don't any of you try to stop us...

[Otal Nimrodi]

Bravo! I'm doing mine on my website.

[barend]

No matter what barend says, a woman will not eat a mouse.

at US$30+/kg at the deli, she better like it if i'm paying resteraunt prices...

[Dorothy]

I mean to say this with the utmost respect...
mousse.

But I suppose if she liked you enough you could charm her into mouse...

[Otal Nimrodi]

Yeah, but that would be REALLY tough.

[Dorothy]

The charming or the mouse? If it was a mouse mousse it wouldn't be tough.

[Otal Nimrodi]

Oh, now I'm all confused.

[Mirithorn]

Mouse mousse wouldn't be tough, since it'd have to be all mushy.

[ion eon]

If it was a moose mousse then maybe it would be.