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Nitpicks... ...IN SPACE

#1 User is offline   StantheGarbageMan Icon

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Posted 09 December 2005 - 06:44 PM

One movie I'd like to talk about that I have just recently seen is War of the Worlds, in which a family consisting of a twit, a whiner and an even bigger twit try to survive an assult from an army of Pumpkinhead-esqe aliens in giant three-legged, one-eyed robots (Do I detect an innuendo here? Oh Spielburg, you sneaky tease!).

Sex jokes aside, I have to say that these are the stupidest aliens ever. How stupid are they? I'd say about as stupid as the aliens from 'Signs', possibly stupider. I've never read the book, but that still doesn't mean I can't have my nitpicks about it.

Oh yes, before I start off, I'd like to warn you that this nitpicking contains some spoilers.


Nitpick #1: The martians had planned the assault on Earth for millions of years beforehand.

OK, don't get me wrong, it's always a good idea to think ahead, but still, millions of years is a fuckin' long time to plan ANYTHING. You think in all that time with the technology they had, they would have done something smart like, I don't know, learn how to till the soil and turn rocks into food. By all accounts they should have starved to death long ago, unless they really do eat rocks. Assuming that they didn't starve (which they obviously didn't), obviously they passed their evil plans down from generation to generation. Somehow I think that their plan would be foiled in this sort of situation:

Grandpa Martian: Hey sonny, Merry Zorgmas! Here's your present!

Youthful Teenage Martian: Ah, thanks grandpa! *opens present and pulls out war plans* What the Quog is this?

GM: It's the plans to take over earth! we've been working on it for the past ten thousand and seventeen years, and now it's your turn!

YTM: Kworg that, I'm not doing that Zarg! *crumbles up paper* I wanted a DVD player, not this Wonk!

GM: Watch your language, young man! In my day, we were proud to receive these plans and waste our lives planning when we could have been hanging with our freinds and eating rocks... Your're right, this is Wonk. I'm gonna go skatebording.


You see what I mean?

Nitpick #2: The Martian Tripods were buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Again, the same problem. How did the Martians manage to bury hundreds of Tripods under the ground without anyone noticing? Surely Gengis Khan or whoever lived back then would have noticed a bunch of three-legged monsters with shovels, jackhammers and wheelbarrows full of sod gathering arond a huge pit with a huge metal Man-O-War inside. And why didn't we find them until now? I mean, you would think that we'd be burying some power lines and notice a gigantic stingray-shaped metal object the size of the Epcot Center poking out of the ground.


WEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOO OOOO! SPOILER ALARM! SPOILER ALARM! ALL THOSE WHO WISH NOT TO READ PLEASE PROCEED TO THE NEAREST WINDOW AND JUMP OUT!






Nitpick #3: The Martians all died because of the germs in our water and air.

Man, if that doesn't shout 'stupid', I don't know what does. You think that creatures that have the ability to construct giant robots and lasers that turn people into a pile of dirty laundry would have thought ahead and... I don't know... WORE A BLOODY SPACESUIT? It's 'Signs' all over again! Hey Martians, here's a little travelling tip: Whenever you're going to a foreign country/planet, DON'T DRINK THE WATER, otherwise you'll die, or pee blood.
I mean come on, it's just so cheap. You could beat these guys by flinging a snotty tissue at them. If the army knew about this, they'd be loading up their tanks with dirty diapers instead of shells. Us humans may not be able to go as deep into space as you can, but at least we did the smart thing and wore a spacesuit! Really, it's just common sense. It's like going volcano-skydiving wearing nothing but a pair of scuba flippers.



And in conclusion, that's my three cents on the movie 'War of the Worlds'. I will admit the robots were really cool, and the evaporation beams were awesome. Oh yeah, one more nitpick: Whenever the little girl screams, it sounds like a fruit bat on helium being electrocuted.
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#2 User is offline   Otal Nimrodi Icon

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Posted 09 December 2005 - 09:00 PM

We're NITPICKS IN SPACE!

We're zooming along, protecting the Chefelf race.

(umm... all one of him)
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#3 User is offline   jariten Icon

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Posted 11 December 2005 - 12:03 AM

QUOTE
You see what I mean?


Not really. You're applying the thought processes of a human to that of an alien.

I couldnt read anymore because I got tired of using the scroll bar. edit the size of your text!
We get it already!
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#4 User is offline   StantheGarbageMan Icon

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Posted 11 December 2005 - 07:21 AM

For some reason, I can't.
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#5 User is offline   floppydisk Icon

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Posted 12 December 2005 - 10:09 AM

Or, instead of bitching at him, you could just copy and paste it into Word. Put some of those computer skills to work!

Why don't you have a website, Stan? You're funny.

This post has been edited by floppydisk: 12 December 2005 - 10:09 AM

QUOTE (Theodor Herzl)
If you will it, it is no dream.
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#6 User is offline   Otal Nimrodi Icon

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Posted 12 December 2005 - 07:00 PM

Hilarious is more like it.
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#7 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 12 December 2005 - 07:09 PM

What the Quog is this...

WTQ?

smile.gif

i especially love the movies: "oh and BTW aliens got killed by micro-organisms... that god made... hmmm... i guess god killed the aliens... yeah... that'll do"

like the simpson's: "and then the children were saved by, oh... let's say Mo"

Dakota Fanning was really miscast in that film.

have you ever seen her in a interview? she's like a 30 year old in the body of an adorable child. she's quite smart. and they had her playing an annoying screaming girl.

just seemed like a bit of a waste of talent.
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#8 User is offline   Dorothy Icon

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Posted 12 December 2005 - 07:27 PM

They had to do something to distract you from the fact that Cruise is a talentless hack, now didn't they?

As far as the buried ships, I don't think it was like that in the book. I guess they were trying to update the story, when really a good portion of appreciating the story is realizing that it was written over 100 years ago. Wells has some good stuff.
"The problem is, you're not a kangaroo... that's a bear... and he's in your pants."
"Maybe artists shouldn't talk about their art."
"Well kids, I guess your father isn't a hermaphrodite."
"Izzy! enough with the rabid smootching!!"
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#9 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 12 December 2005 - 07:54 PM

it would have been nice if they had not modernised the film.

at least PJ kept King Kong in the 30s.

some stories don't work in our day...

Romeo+Juliet, is just a personal thing but i throw it in there too.
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#10 User is offline   Otal Nimrodi Icon

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Posted 12 December 2005 - 08:45 PM

Yeah, I find it hard to put a past thing into the present.
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#11 User is offline   StantheGarbageMan Icon

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Posted 16 December 2005 - 03:20 PM

The reason I don't have a website is because I've already got enough stuff on my mind, plus I don't have a job to pay for bandwith.
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#12 User is offline   Dorothy Icon

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Posted 19 December 2005 - 07:00 PM

QUOTE
Romeo+Juliet, is just a personal thing but i throw it in there too.
Ugh. (Not just R+J ugh, but Romeo and Juliet ugh.) R+J just didn't work. There are intricacies of Shakespearian English that are lost when it is paired with modern settings. And bad acting.
"The problem is, you're not a kangaroo... that's a bear... and he's in your pants."
"Maybe artists shouldn't talk about their art."
"Well kids, I guess your father isn't a hermaphrodite."
"Izzy! enough with the rabid smootching!!"
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#13 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 19 December 2005 - 07:10 PM

i thought there was something seriously wrong when the romantically tragic act of juliet puncturing here heart with a dagger was replaced by the rather tacky act of here blowing her brains out with a desert eagle.
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#14 User is offline   Dorothy Icon

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Posted 19 December 2005 - 07:20 PM

Ugh. I've never considered that romantically tragic. Just dumb. She was a dumb bunny.
"The problem is, you're not a kangaroo... that's a bear... and he's in your pants."
"Maybe artists shouldn't talk about their art."
"Well kids, I guess your father isn't a hermaphrodite."
"Izzy! enough with the rabid smootching!!"
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#15 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 19 December 2005 - 07:42 PM

no.... i would like to have more girls kill themselves over me.
that would be awsome.
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