[Chyld]

A Dissertation on Battenberg at 2:50am

Battenberg is a type of cake. If I remember correctly, it is a long strip of cake, made of two strips of pink cake stuff, and two strips of yellow cake stuff, arranged in a grid, all wrapped in more cake stuff. It is served in slices, usually with some tea.

Battenberg is not a living thing. It is made by mixing stuff that cakes are made from together, colouring the coloured bits, putting it into strips of a battenbergy pattern, then wrapping it in more cake stuff, and finally baking it. There might be sugar involved at the last stage.

The fact that battenberg is a cake, and therefore not alive, means that it cannot be killed. This is usually a good thing, as battenberg is meant to be eaten, not killed. However, should evil radiation come from aliens on speed and bring really silly things to life, said silly things then proceeding to kill everyone, there may be occasion to have an emergency alternative. Simply picking it up and eating it is usually good enough, but if it is poisonous, or waving a sword around, this might be difficult.

Mice can be employed to try and eat the battenberg, thus fulfilling my weekly mouse reference quota, but if the aforementioned swords are being employed, their tails may be cut off by the farmer’s wife. The risk of this is increased if you use three blind mice, instead of an unstoppable hoard of non visually impaired mice. Plus, mice prefer biscuits to cake, there being more to ignore.

The natural enemy of the battenberg is the old lady. A single old lady can consume three whole strips of battenberg a week, and this number increases exponentially when more old ladies congregate. I suggest you always keep a supply of old ladies to hand in case of battenberg invasion, and if you fancy a constant supply of knitted jumpers. If you’re concerned about the old ladies being chopped up by swords, give them some chainmail. You can acquire chainmail at your local blacksmiths. It takes longer to forge than simple plate armour, there being so many rings to put together to make it, but it is infinitely lighter (very useful, considering the natural frailness of the old lady), and it is cheaper than a great big suit of plate armour.

Battenberg, not containing many preservatives, is not likely to survive a nuclear holocaust. While this means that atom bombs are a fine ultimate solution if they take over the world, it means you can’t really keep them in your fallout shelter.

(This solves the dual problems of getting this piece of work to a printer, and amusing y'all)