[Slade]

I wasn't planning on it. And for the record, I can kick ass, be a ninja-fedora wearing pope of the Nightlife, and be a romantic too.

[Laughlyn]

I took the liberty of including a disclaimer at the foot of that last post folks, just incase you didn't catch the tone.

[floppydisk]

I wasn't planning on it. And for the record, I can kick ass, be a ninja-fedora wearing pope of the Nightlife, and be a romantic too.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

But you can't do all that and beat your girlfriend in videogames. That's where you truly lose your manliness.

[Zatoichi]

Talented disclaim.

I could go "Awwww how sweet" here too, but I am a man. Therefore I shall not, or have I ?

Seeing as how this is the complaining thread, I've a complaint in the relationship department. Two things,actually. One is that although it is not a completely fullfuling relationship, it is probably the farthest I'll ever get with a girl on this level for the longest time. Not only is she my girlfriend, she is one of my best friends. The only thing I wish, was that she had some similiar hobbies that can be done by more than one person. For example we both love to read, but that doesn't really work. She doesn't like videogames, or RPGs, or sports, or etc. Still, I may be asking for a little too much here.

Number two: We have been together for a year and a half now. She is twenty and I am nineteen. I was hoping my charm, candor, and wit would wear down her resistance, but we still haven't had sex yet. This is an area, where I know for damn sure that both of us would be responsible about. She wants to wait for marraige, and I still respect that, but from what she has told me I think that it is because of trivial reasons. She is worried about getting pregnant, and I have told her that is what protection is for (she isn't Catholic). She has said that friends have told her that sex isn't all that, and wasn't worth it. I told her that they probably had sex for the wrong reasons, and she had no answer for that. She wants to wait for whoever her husband is going to be. This reason I repect a little more, but with the way the world is, I dislike it the most. First off, most men probably won't want to wait (as far as I know). Second, he probably won't be a virgin himself (I don't have confidence in men in this area). Third, the first time right after they get married, the sex could very well suck (from what I hear about first times).

Once again, don't get me wrong. We have talked about it here and there and I haven't really pushed her to comply with me. Since we don't have so many common interests it feels as though the relationship is getting stale and practiced. She has even gotten slightly miffed when I accidentilly mentioned porn once or twice, but what does she expect me to do? (on a side note she doesn't mind seeing naked men, but can't watch another women. I can stand seeing both) She has said that she loves me once or twice (as have I to her) and thing thing is, is that I probably do love her. I don't think that she is my other half, but I do think that she is pretty close. Marriage is a long way off though. We both still live with our parents, are still in college, and neither one of us has enough money. It would probably be at least four more years.

Sadly, I am definately considering taking a break for awihle and seeing some other girls (sometimes I hate being such a guy). I would feel guilty if I tried something like this without letting her know. Not that I believe that I would be cheating on her, but I just couldn't bring myself to actually do it. Although she has expressed interest in other men (and almost constently mentions this "husband" image she has, which almost always pisses me off.), I'm unsure if she would want to see anyone else. I also don't want to hurt her feelings by deciding to take a break in our relationship either. In other words, I have painted myself into a corner that I don't know how to get out of. I feel that the way things are going if I don't take a break now, later on down the line we may stop dating for good. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt her feelings and/or potentially lose her for good (although I think that this next to impossible, considering the way she is and the way most guys are). To end my emotional tirade with something more lighthearted (I think): if she evers has sex with someone else before they were married, I'll ask him how he did it and then kill them both. Now that I read it, it doesn't sound very funny

Oh yeah, if you actually managed to read this far down, any advice would be appreciated.

edit: forgot an essential word

This post has been edited by Zatoichi: 28 October 2005 - 11:22 AM

[Slade's Girlfriend]

don't worry, I beat him in video games. he's totally going down when we play my SNES (yay Mario!) in a couple of weeks.

[Icey]

Zatoichi, what you need first and foremost to do, is talk things through with your girlfriend and get what miffs the two of you about each other out there and work out these hitches, if you don't have a common hobby, beyond reading, get her to TRY to do something new with you, something you both enjoy doing.

Common ground for reading: Discussing what you have read, metaphors and different meanings. Try to make something from that, like get the same book and then discuss it thoroughly (I reccomend Frankenstein or the Sprawl trilogy)

If you need to take a break, don't fuck aroud man. If you are still a virgin, and she wants to wait, wait with her. I don't know from personal experience, but from those I know that waited, sex became something much more than what I experienced when I lost my virginity or have experienced, propably more than I'll ever get from sex. Something to chew on.

[floppydisk]

I suck at giving advice...

[Mirithorn]

Yeah, that was my problem. If it helps, I did read it all the way through. The only thing I can think of to say is to sit it out. Otherwhise, your plans for homicide seem good. But I would suggest saving up to hire someone to commit the murder for you.

[Slade]

Kay, it's on like Donkey Kong.

Zatoichi: Maybe I'm assuming too much, but it sounds like she has some sort of list/ideal in her head that she wants to fill for "husband" quality. And while it's nice to have an idea of what you're looking for, she needs to be able to adapt and understand that not many people are perfect, or she's going to try to make you or someone else fit into her husband shaped box.

Sex isn't everything, but waiting for marriage is an outdated and archaic practice designed with family unity in mind in the time before birth control. I don't promote wanton casual sex, but I think it's being in love that's much more important than a state sanctioned ritual that formally and legally accepts a decision both parties have already made anyway.

[Spoon Poetic]

Girls tend to understand the whole "waiting for marriage" thing a lot better than guys. One reason for that is that they want to make sure that the guy to whom they give this important part of themselves won't run off with it.

Slade's right-on about the box thing. I've seen this in both girls and guys. The problem is, one shouldn't feel like they're settling. If your girl feels this way, she's never going to be happy.

Speaking from a girl's perspective: You need to talk with her about this. You need to tell her almost exactly what you posted, but of course cater the way you say it to her--Express your concerns in a caring and gentle way, make it entirely out of "I feel like" statements instead of accusatory "You" statements, make her feel loved, wanted, and let her know the only reason you felt you needed to discuss this with her is because you want things to be happy between you two. She might not be happy about this talk, but it's the only way to really resolve anything. And DEFINITELY find something to enjoy together. Even if it's something simple like taking occasional walks through the forest, painting pictures, seeing a movie, going to a bookstore.

On a side note, seeing other girls will DEFINITELY be "cheating." You said you wouldn't consider it such, but most people, especially your gal, will. Taking a break might be a good idea, though. But if she's as serious about this sex thing as she says, if you have sex or even go further with another girl than you have with your girl, getting back together will be really difficult or even just won't happen. Also, don't have sex as a release of your hormones. That's what masturbation is for. Though I wouldn't recommend (letting her know that you are) using porn. This is probably her way of thinking about sex: Sex should be something to make your relationship stronger, something to make you feel closer to one another. Sex is to make two become one. Another probable reason she wants to wait until marriage--you don't want to be "one" with someone that you won't spend the rest of your life with.

It is an unconventional way of thinking, perhaps outdated, but try not to be too hard on her. It's really hard to wait, too, especially in today's society. Unless something's seriously wrong, she probably struggles with this.

Another way to do it is to go to her best (girl) friend about it... She'll know if there's a problem that you don't know about, and even if she doesn't tell you what it is, you should be able to tell by her reaction to your asking whether there is some other problem or not. Kind of a cheap way to get things done, but it usually works.

Good luck, my friend.

[Laughlyn]

Zat: The short of this seems to boil down to commitment, and that's a word that's normally a que for most guys to run for the hills. Most of your post boils down to the classic 'first love' scenario, with the trap of 'no sex before marridge'. It's fine if you believe you can deal with the commitment, but, not to be the voice of doom here; it could all turn out to be a complete waste of your time.

And looking at the timescale you put down, that's a hell of a lot of your youth mate.

I'm sure I've said this stuff before on some other thread, but the doubts you have about decisions like these are pretty hard to bury, you end up regretting them, resenting them, and ultimately they end up simmering away under the surface of the relationship until someone snaps and it all falls apart.

[Madam Corvax]

I didn't know that people outside Poland also have this dillema with girls "I won't have sex before marriage". There is a whole thread about somewhere in the debate club, started by the only Polish guy I saw in this forum, poor thing.

Zatoichi, I am 34, so quite a lot older than you. I won't give you any advice, but I can only say one thing, from the perspective of all these long years.

You should have sex when you still feel like having sex. Is is quite difficult to believe at the age of 20 or so that you will not always be so eager to pursue this hobby.

[Jane Sherwood]

I am one of those girls waiting until marriage for sex.

Complaint: I'm pissed off. I just spent all night trying to download one of two huge-ass files, and I still don't have it because my AOL connection kept resetting itself, so I had to restart the six-to-fourteen-hour download (the time kept jumping around) five or six times. Either some asshole kept trying to call in the middle of the night, or my brother kept trying to use the phone line.

Either way - FUCK AOL.

And I barely got any sleep and have no coffee, and there's a band practice in an hour, followed by another stupid football game.

GRRRRRR!

[Icey]

I feel depressed and lonely and it reminds me of why I'm glad that all of my relationships are over. I have begun envying those with the strength and resolution to wait till marriage with sex. It's painful coming to the conclusion that, I have not found a single person that, after getting to know them properly, I could imagine as a mate. I had an emotional breakdown last night because of that and just lay curled up in my bed till five/six AM.

Rock on Jane!

[Laughlyn]

I am one of those girls waiting until marriage for sex.

Complaint:  I'm pissed off.  I just spent all night trying to download one of two huge-ass files, and I still don't have it because my AOL connection kept resetting itself, so I had to restart the six-to-fourteen-hour download (the time kept jumping around) five or six times.  Either some asshole kept trying to call in the middle of the night, or my brother kept trying to use the phone line.

Either way - FUCK AOL.
GRRRRRR!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thought of using a download manager to recover? or getting cable?

Now for your first point, females generally get more interested in sex at a later age to males, so you're decision is perfectly normal and respectable. The same applies to Zat's thoughts as he's at that stage of his life.

But then again this is all advice from a guy who can't hold down a relationship for more than 3 weeks.