[Kylaer]

One thing that struck me about the prequels is how the LAAT/i gunships have an unmistakable "Huey" feel to them (to me, at least). That led to the following train of thought:

1. LAAT/i = Huey
2. The Clone Wars are kind of like Vietnam
3. Must write Full Metal Jacket parody

Extreme, gratuitous profanity will be involved. Anyone who has seen Full Metal Jacket knows what I'm talking about. This is adapted from the Full Metal Jacket script.

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TO:



TITLE: FULL PLASMA JACKET



CUT TO:



1 INT. BARBERSHOP—CORUSCANT JEDI TEMPLE--

DAY



Jedi padawans having their heads shaved with electric clippers, except for a small portion that is turned into their padawan braid. The hair piles up on the floor.





2 INT.

BARRACKS--DAY



Padawans stand at attention in front of their bunks.



Jedi Master YODA walks along the line of blank-faced recruits.

YODA

Master Yoda, your Senior Instructor, am I. From now on, speak only when spoken to you will, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers "Sir!" will be. Understand that, do you?

PADAWANS

(in unison)

Sir, yes, sir!





YODA

Bantha shit! Hear you I cannot. Sound off like a pair you have.

RECRUITS

(louder)

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

If you ladies leave my academy, if you survive padawan training ... knights you will be, wielders of the Force, praying for war. But until that day, pukes you are! The lowest form of life in the galaxy you are. Sentient fucking beings, you are not! Nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit are you! Because I am hard, like me you will not. But hate me more, and learn more you will. Hard I am, but I am fair!

Species bigotry here there is not! Look down on Weequays, Nikto, Zabrak or humans I do not. Here, equally worthless are you all! And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Order! Understand that do you, maggots?

PADAWANS

(in unison)

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Bantha shit! Hear you I cannot!

PADAWANS
(louder)

Sir, yes, sir!

Master YODA stops in front of a black recruit, Padawan HOTH.




YODA

What's your name, scumbag?

HOTH

(shouting)

Sir, Mace Windu, sir!

YODA

Bantha shit! From now on, Padawan Hoth you are! Like that name do you?

HOTH

(shouting)

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Well, there's one thing that like you won’t, Padawan Hoth! Serve fried
chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall they do not!

HOTH

Sir, yes, sir!

JOKER

(whispering)

Is that you, Exar Kun? Is this me?

YODA

Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little Separatist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! Said it the fairy fucking godmother did! Out-fucking-standing! F.T. you all until fucking die you do, I will! F.T. you until dribbling like buttermilk your brains are, I will.

Master YODA grabs NERF HERDER by his kneecaps.



YODA

You was it, you scroungy little fuck, huh?!

NERF HERDER

Sir, no, sir!

YODA

You little piece of shit! Look like a fucking worm you do! Bet it was you, I will!

NERF HERDER

Sir, no, sir!

JOKER

Sir, I said it, sir!

Master YODA steps up to JOKER.

YODA

Well ... no shit. A fucking comedian, have we here? Padawan Joker? Admire
your honesty I do. Hell, like you I do. Come over to my house and fuck my sister you can.

Master YODA Force-slams JOKER against the wall.

JOKER sags to his knees.

YODA

You little scumbag! Your name I have! Your ass I have! Laugh, you will not! Cry, you will not! Learn by the numbers, you will. Teach you I will. Now get up! Get on your feet! Unfuck yourself you must or unscrew your head and shit down your neck I will!

JOKER

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Padawan Joker, why did you join my beloved Order?

JOKER

Sir, to kill, sir!

YODA

So a killer are you!

JOKER

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Your war face, show me!

JOKER

Sir?

YODA

A war face have you? Aaaaaaaagh! A war face that is. Now your war face, let me see!

JOKER

Aaaaaaaagh!

YODA

Bantha shit! Convince me you did not! Your real war face, let me see!

JOKER

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

YODA

Scare me you did not! Work on it!

JOKER

Sir, yes, sir!



Master YODA speaks into NERF HERDER's face.

YODA

What's your excuse?

NERF HERDER

Sir, excuse for what, sir?

YODA

Asking the fucking questions here I am, padawan. Understand do you?!

NERF HERDER

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Well thank you very much! Be in charge for a while can I?

NERF HERDER

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Shook up are you? Nervous are you?

NERF HERDER

Sir, I am, sir!

YODA

Make you nervous, do I?

NERF HERDER

Sir!

YODA

Sir, what? About to call me an asshole, were you?!

NERF HERDER

Sir, no, sir!

YODA

How tall are you, padawan?

NERF HERDER

Sir, five foot nine, sir!

YODA

Five foot nine? Know that they stacked shit that high I did not! Trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere are you, hmm?

NERF HERDER

Sir, no, sir.

YODA

Bantha shit! Ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on
the mattress, I think the best part of you did! Cheated, I think you have been!

Where in hell are you from anyway, padawan?

NERF HERDER

Sir, Dantooine, sir!

YODA

Holy dogshit! Dantooine! Only steers and queers come from Dantooine, Private Nerf Herder! And look much like a steer to me you do not, so narrows it down that does! Suck dicks do you?!

NERF HERDER

Sir, no, sir!

YODA

A peter-puffer are you?

NERF HERDER

Sir, no, sir!

YODA

The kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around, I bet you are! Watching you I will be!

Master YODA walks down the line to another padawan, a tall, angsty-looking boy.

YODA

Have any children that lived, your parents did?

PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Regret that, I bet they do! So ugly you are that a modern art masterpiece you could be! What's your name?

PYLE

Sir, Anakin Skywalker, sir!

YODA

Skywalker? The skies of what, of Tatooine?

PYLE

Sir, no, sir!

YODA

Sounds like royalty that name does! Royalty, are you?

PYLE

Sir, no, sir!



YODA

Suck dicks do you?

PYLE

Sir, no, sir!

YODA

Bantha shit! I bet that suck the ears off a gundark you could!

PYLE

Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN

Like the name Skywalker I do not! Called Skywalker, only faggots and clones are! From now on Darth Pyle you are!

PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!

PYLE has the trace of a strange smile on his face.

YODA

Think I'm cute do you, padawan Pyle? Think I'm funny do you?

PYLE

Sir, no, sir!

YODA

Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!

PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!
PYLE

Sir, I'm trying, sir.

YODA

Padawan Pyle, do or do not. There is no try. Give you three seconds I will--exactly three fucking seconds—to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or gouge out your
eyeballs and skull-fuck you I shall! One! Two! Three!

PYLE purses his lips but continues to smile involuntarily.

PYLE

Sir, I can't help it, sir!

YODA

Bantha shit! Get on your knees, scumbag!

PYLE gets down on his knees.

YODA

Now choke yourself!

PYLE places his hands around his throat as if to choke himself.

YODA

Goddamn it, use the Force, numbnuts!!

PYLE pulls his hand back and crooks his fingers at his throat. YODA slaps his hand.

YODA

Pull feebly on your fucking throat, do not! Choke yourself, I said! Now focus your mind and choke yourself!

PYLE concentrates and indentations appear at the sides of his windpipe.

PYLE Force-chokes himself.

PYLE gags and starts to turn red in the face.


YODA

Through grinning are you?

PYLE

(barely able to speak)

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Bantha shit! Hear you I cannot!

PYLE

(gasping)

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Bantha shit! Hear you I still cannot! Sound off like a pair you have!

PYLE

(gagging)

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA

Enough that is! Get on your feet!

PYLE relaxes his hand and the tension in his throat vanishes. PYLE gets to his feet, breathing heavily.

YODA

Private Pyle, square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links you’d better ... or fuck you up I definitely will!

PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!

---That's all for the first scene. I have already done several more scenes, and can convert even more of it if there is interest. Opinions?

This post has been edited by Kylaer: 07 July 2005 - 11:40 PM

[SithAvenger]

Good. But it should be called ''Full Hooded Cloak''. That's a better name.

[WalkingCarpet]

Sounds like a great idea.

[SithAvenger]

Can you please post more?

[Kylaer]

Sorry, forgot about this thread. Yes, I have more and will post all that I've done so far. Once I've written more I will post that too. Should be within the next few days, as I'll have a bit of time off.


3 EXT. JEDI TEMPLE--DAY

The training platoon is Force-jumping in formation.

YODA is calling cadence.

YODA

. . down, up, down, up! Up, down, up, down, up! Up, down, up, down, up!

JOKER

(narration)

The Jedi Temple, Coruscant.... the Republic Jedi Order Padawan Training Center. An eight-week college for those who think that wars make one great and that the future is clearly visible.

YODA

Mama and Papa were laying in bed.

PADAWANS

(chanting in cadence)

Mama and Papa were laying in bed.

YODA

Mama rolled over, this is what she said...

PADAWANS

Mama rolled over, this is what she said...

YODA

Ah, gimme some...

PADAWANS

Ah, gimme some...



YODA

Ah, gimme some...

PADAWANS

Ah, gimme some...

YODA

F.T....

PADAWANS

F.T....

YODA

F.T....

PADAWANS

F.T....

YODA

Good for you!

PADAWANS

Good for you!

YODA

And good for me!

PADAWANS

And good for me!

YODA

Mmm, good.



PADAWANS

Mmm, good.

YODA

Up in the morning to the rising sun.

PADAWANS

Up in the morning to the rising sun.

YODA

Gotta Force-push all day...

4 EXT.

PRACTICE FIELD--SUNSET

Recruits, silhouetted against the sun, climbing ropes, nets and ladders. Bottomless pits are abundant, as with all proper Star Wars battle locations.

YODA

...till the pushing's done!

PADAWANS

Gotta Force-push all day till the pushing's done!

YODA

Count Dooku is a son-of-a-bitch!

PADAWANS

Count Dooku is a son-of-a-bitch!

HARTMAN

Got the blueballs, crabs and the seven-year-itch!

PADAWANS

Got the blueballs, crabs and the seven-year-itch!
DISSOLVE TO:

5 EXT. PARADE DECK--DAY

YODA marches the platoon across a wide expanse of rooftop. The recruits carry trainer lightsabers.

YODA

Left, right, left, right, left! To your left side . . . hut! Left, right, left! Port . . . hut!

YODA

Left, right! Platoon ... halt! Left side ... hut!

PYLE momentarily raises his saber to guard position on the wrong side and immediately corrects himself.

YODA spots this and walks up to him.

YODA

Padawan Pyle, what are you trying to do to my beloved Order?

PYLE

Sir, I don't know, sir!

YODA

Dumb you are, padawan Pyle, but do you expect me to believe that know left from right you do not?

PYLE

Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN

Then did that on purpose you did! To be different you want!

PYLE

Sir, no, sir.


YODA Force-jumps up and slaps PYLE hard across the left cheek.

YODA

What side was that, Private Pyle?!

PYLE

Sir, left side, sir!

YODA

Sure are you, Private Pyle?

PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!

YODA jumps again and slaps PYLE hard across the right cheek, knocking his hood askew

YODA

What side was that, Private Pyle?

PYLE

Sir, right side, sir.

YODA

Fuck with me again do not, Pyle! Fix your fucking hood!

PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!

DISSOLVE TO:

6 EXT. PARADE DECK--DAY

YODA marching the platoon - bringing up the rear is PYLE, his robe on backwards; he is sucking his thumb and he carries his saber by the emitter cap.



7 INT. BARRACKS--NIGHT

YODA walks along the line of recruits in skivvies holding their sabers and standing at attention in front of their bunks.

YODA

Tonight ... Sleep with your sabers you pukes will! Give your saber a girl's name you shall! Because the only pussy you people are going to get, this will be! Your days of finger-banging the senator from Naboo through her pretty pink panties are over! Married to this piece you are, this weapon of metal and crystal! And be faithful you will! Port ... hut! Prepare to mount! Mount!

On YODA’s command the platoon mount their bunks with their sabers and lie on their backs at attention.

YODA

Port . . . hut!

The recruits snap their sabers to the port guard position, crossed over their chests.

YODA

Pray!

PADAWANS

(in unison)

This is my saber. There are many like it, but this one is mine. The Force is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it, as I must master my life. Without me my saber is useless. Without the Force, I am useless. I must swing my saber true. I must focus better than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must cut him down him before he shoots me. I will. Before the galaxy I swear this creed. My saber and myself are defenders of the Republic. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviours of my life. So be it ... until there is no enemy ... but peace. May the Force be with us.

YODA

Order . . . hut!

The recruits snap their sabers down to their sides.



YODA

At ease!

YODA turns off the barracks lights.

YODA

Good night, ladies.

PADAWANS

(in unison)

Good night, sir!

YODA

(to clone trooper)

Hit it, sweetheart!

CLONE TROOPER

Sir, aye-aye, sir!

8 EXT. PARADE FIELD--DAWN

YODA drills the platoon.

YODA

Right side ... hut! Your daddy's vibrosaw this is not, Nerf Herder. Left side ... hut! Your blade around your torso move, not your torso around your blade. Port ... hut! Twelve centimeters from your chest, Pyle! Twelve centimeters!

9 INT. BARRACKS--NIGHT

YODA marches the recruits through the squad bay. Their sabers are held high in their right hands and their left hands clutch their genitals.

YODA

This is my saber! This is my sword!


PADAWANS

Use this when I’m fighting! This when I’m bored!

YODA

This is my saber! This is my sword!

PADAWANS

This is my saber! This is my sword!

They repeat this over and over again as they march up and down the squad bay.

[diligent_d]

Full Metal Jacket is one of my favorite flicks.

"Bantha shit! Hear you I cannot!"
"Suck dicks do you?"

Hahaha - nice touch.

[SithAvenger]

Man, somebody has to make a film with that script.

''Count Dooku is a son of a bitch!''

[SithAvenger]

Please continue!

[Kylaer]

Sorry, haven't written more of it yet, I've been working and doing other various things. But, check my new thread, I do have something even though it isn't this.