1. LAAT/i = Huey
2. The Clone Wars are kind of like Vietnam
3. Must write Full Metal Jacket parody
Extreme, gratuitous profanity will be involved. Anyone who has seen Full Metal Jacket knows what I'm talking about. This is adapted from the Full Metal Jacket script.
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TITLE: FULL PLASMA JACKET
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1 INT. BARBERSHOP—CORUSCANT JEDI TEMPLE--
DAY
Jedi padawans having their heads shaved with electric clippers, except for a small portion that is turned into their padawan braid. The hair piles up on the floor.
2 INT.
BARRACKS--DAY
Padawans stand at attention in front of their bunks.
Jedi Master YODA walks along the line of blank-faced recruits.
YODA
Master Yoda, your Senior Instructor, am I. From now on, speak only when spoken to you will, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers "Sir!" will be. Understand that, do you?
PADAWANS
(in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Bantha shit! Hear you I cannot. Sound off like a pair you have.
RECRUITS
(louder)
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
If you ladies leave my academy, if you survive padawan training ... knights you will be, wielders of the Force, praying for war. But until that day, pukes you are! The lowest form of life in the galaxy you are. Sentient fucking beings, you are not! Nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit are you! Because I am hard, like me you will not. But hate me more, and learn more you will. Hard I am, but I am fair!
Species bigotry here there is not! Look down on Weequays, Nikto, Zabrak or humans I do not. Here, equally worthless are you all! And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Order! Understand that do you, maggots?
PADAWANS
(in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Bantha shit! Hear you I cannot!
PADAWANS
(louder)
Sir, yes, sir!
Master YODA stops in front of a black recruit, Padawan HOTH.
YODA
What's your name, scumbag?
HOTH
(shouting)
Sir, Mace Windu, sir!
YODA
Bantha shit! From now on, Padawan Hoth you are! Like that name do you?
HOTH
(shouting)
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Well, there's one thing that like you won’t, Padawan Hoth! Serve fried
chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall they do not!
HOTH
Sir, yes, sir!
JOKER
(whispering)
Is that you, Exar Kun? Is this me?
YODA
Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little Separatist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! Said it the fairy fucking godmother did! Out-fucking-standing! F.T. you all until fucking die you do, I will! F.T. you until dribbling like buttermilk your brains are, I will.
Master YODA grabs NERF HERDER by his kneecaps.
YODA
You was it, you scroungy little fuck, huh?!
NERF HERDER
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
You little piece of shit! Look like a fucking worm you do! Bet it was you, I will!
NERF HERDER
Sir, no, sir!
JOKER
Sir, I said it, sir!
Master YODA steps up to JOKER.
YODA
Well ... no shit. A fucking comedian, have we here? Padawan Joker? Admire
your honesty I do. Hell, like you I do. Come over to my house and fuck my sister you can.
Master YODA Force-slams JOKER against the wall.
JOKER sags to his knees.
YODA
You little scumbag! Your name I have! Your ass I have! Laugh, you will not! Cry, you will not! Learn by the numbers, you will. Teach you I will. Now get up! Get on your feet! Unfuck yourself you must or unscrew your head and shit down your neck I will!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Padawan Joker, why did you join my beloved Order?
JOKER
Sir, to kill, sir!
YODA
So a killer are you!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Your war face, show me!
JOKER
Sir?
YODA
A war face have you? Aaaaaaaagh! A war face that is. Now your war face, let me see!
JOKER
Aaaaaaaagh!
YODA
Bantha shit! Convince me you did not! Your real war face, let me see!
JOKER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
YODA
Scare me you did not! Work on it!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
Master YODA speaks into NERF HERDER's face.
YODA
What's your excuse?
NERF HERDER
Sir, excuse for what, sir?
YODA
Asking the fucking questions here I am, padawan. Understand do you?!
NERF HERDER
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Well thank you very much! Be in charge for a while can I?
NERF HERDER
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Shook up are you? Nervous are you?
NERF HERDER
Sir, I am, sir!
YODA
Make you nervous, do I?
NERF HERDER
Sir!
YODA
Sir, what? About to call me an asshole, were you?!
NERF HERDER
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
How tall are you, padawan?
NERF HERDER
Sir, five foot nine, sir!
YODA
Five foot nine? Know that they stacked shit that high I did not! Trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere are you, hmm?
NERF HERDER
Sir, no, sir.
YODA
Bantha shit! Ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on
the mattress, I think the best part of you did! Cheated, I think you have been!
Where in hell are you from anyway, padawan?
NERF HERDER
Sir, Dantooine, sir!
YODA
Holy dogshit! Dantooine! Only steers and queers come from Dantooine, Private Nerf Herder! And look much like a steer to me you do not, so narrows it down that does! Suck dicks do you?!
NERF HERDER
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
A peter-puffer are you?
NERF HERDER
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
The kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around, I bet you are! Watching you I will be!
Master YODA walks down the line to another padawan, a tall, angsty-looking boy.
YODA
Have any children that lived, your parents did?
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Regret that, I bet they do! So ugly you are that a modern art masterpiece you could be! What's your name?
PYLE
Sir, Anakin Skywalker, sir!
YODA
Skywalker? The skies of what, of Tatooine?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
Sounds like royalty that name does! Royalty, are you?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
Suck dicks do you?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
Bantha shit! I bet that suck the ears off a gundark you could!
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Like the name Skywalker I do not! Called Skywalker, only faggots and clones are! From now on Darth Pyle you are!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
PYLE has the trace of a strange smile on his face.
YODA
Think I'm cute do you, padawan Pyle? Think I'm funny do you?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
YODA
Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!
PYLE
Sir, I'm trying, sir.
YODA
Padawan Pyle, do or do not. There is no try. Give you three seconds I will--exactly three fucking seconds—to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or gouge out your
eyeballs and skull-fuck you I shall! One! Two! Three!
PYLE purses his lips but continues to smile involuntarily.
PYLE
Sir, I can't help it, sir!
YODA
Bantha shit! Get on your knees, scumbag!
PYLE gets down on his knees.
YODA
Now choke yourself!
PYLE places his hands around his throat as if to choke himself.
YODA
Goddamn it, use the Force, numbnuts!!
PYLE pulls his hand back and crooks his fingers at his throat. YODA slaps his hand.
YODA
Pull feebly on your fucking throat, do not! Choke yourself, I said! Now focus your mind and choke yourself!
PYLE concentrates and indentations appear at the sides of his windpipe.
PYLE Force-chokes himself.
PYLE gags and starts to turn red in the face.
YODA
Through grinning are you?
PYLE
(barely able to speak)
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Bantha shit! Hear you I cannot!
PYLE
(gasping)
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Bantha shit! Hear you I still cannot! Sound off like a pair you have!
PYLE
(gagging)
Sir, yes, sir!
YODA
Enough that is! Get on your feet!
PYLE relaxes his hand and the tension in his throat vanishes. PYLE gets to his feet, breathing heavily.
YODA
Private Pyle, square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links you’d better ... or fuck you up I definitely will!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
---That's all for the first scene. I have already done several more scenes, and can convert even more of it if there is interest. Opinions?
This post has been edited by Kylaer: 07 July 2005 - 11:40 PM