Star wars Jokes Yet another joke topics
#1
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:03 PM
Anakin: You can't kill him!
Mace: He's to dangerous to let live!
Anakin: You can't, you will disrupt time-space continuum
Mace: What?
Anakin: Me and this guy will kill all the Jedi, create the Galatic Empire, fight the rebels so he has to be living at the end so I can kill him and restore balance in the force. If you kill him now, there will be no Episodes IV-V-VI and thus could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe. Granted, that's the worse case scenario. The destruction might, in fact, be very localised, limited to merely our own galaxy.
Mace: Man, you have to quit using those death-Sticks
#2
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:04 PM
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.
A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! Luke backs away. He
looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else?
You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him...when I was
9 years old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Nine years old! And what have you done?
Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own
ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 9, I single-handedly
destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me
what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of
the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had
exterminated the Jedi Knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 9 years old, winner
of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer...right
here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose
you are, but you sure ain't mine...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
#3
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:05 PM
Obi-Wan: Anakin, there's something I must tell you about the Jedi. We are forbidden to have sexual relations with others.
Anakin: Then what am I to do when I have those certain feelings? Those urges? Those desires?
Obi-Wan: Long ago, a jedi discovered a technique, a way to relieve that sexual tension. In moments when you are alone you may find yourself using the force in a different way by playing with your personal hidden area. If you know what I mean.
Anikin: I understand....Tell me, what was the name of the Jedi who discovered this technique?
Obi-Wan: Jedi Master Bator, of course.
#4
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:06 PM
Owen: Yeah, right Luke. Power converters.
Luke: What do you mean?
Owen: Luke. I know you're gay. Your aunt and I have known since you were eight.
Luke: I am not gay!
Owen: Sand covered planet, spotless white tunic. Hangs around with an older guy named "Biggs" who has a big bushy mustache. No. Not gay. Not you.
#5
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:08 PM
Beru - Owen he can't stay here, most of his friends have gone, it means so much to him.
Owen - I'll make it up to him next year.
Beru - Luke's just not a farmer Owen, he has too much of his father in him.
Owen - I know, I keep finding dead tusken raiders buried in the backyard...
#6
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:09 PM
OBI WAN: Quick, we're the last of our kind. Let's band together and overthrow the empire while his power is just beginning to form!
Yoda: I've gotta better idea: Lets grow old and alone for the next 20 years while millions more die under palpatine and maybe...just maybe we'll train this baby someday.
OBI WAN: Deal, see ya later!
#7
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:10 PM
Solo - This looks interesting...
Leia - Jar Jar system?
Solo - Jar Jar's not a system, he's a gungun. We go way back Jar Jar an' me.
Leia - Can you trust him?
Solo - Well the Empire's got no love for him, and neither does Lucas, or the fans, or even hasbro...
#9
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:12 PM
On board the Tantive IV:
Vader: Several transmissions were beamed aboard your ship. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.
Leia: You can take those transmissions and shove them up your cybernetic @$$, You were never there for my childhood!
Vader: Of course I was there...I even got you a pony.
Leia: A DEAD pony, force choked by YOU!
Vader: That pony understimated the power of the Dark Side.
#11
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:14 PM
Han: What will you do now luke?
Luke: I've created a time machine.
Han: Why?
Luke: To bring balance to the force.
HAN has a puzzled look.
Luke: To iron out some plot holes.
Leia: hey let's just finish Lucas in the mid 80s, make it look like an overdose, then their wont be any plot holes.
Luke: Then my grandfather will still be human.
Chewbacca: And no one will know I was Yoda's bitch
Leia: And I can think whatever the hell I want about my mother.
Han: Whatever, that bastard didn't write me in
#13
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:17 PM
Yoda: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.
Obi Wan: I was like that when you trained me. Was'nt I?
Yoda: I dont know! I didn't trained you, it was qui gon remember?
Obi Wan: Oh thats true.
and later...
Yoda: Told you I did. Reckless is he. Now, matters are worse.
Obi-Wan: That boy was our last hope.
Yoda: No!! He is not!
Obi wan: No?
Yoda: His sister! Hello! man do you have alzheimer or something?
#14
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:19 PM
Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Wan: [influencing the stormtrooper's mind] You don't need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification.
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Obi-Wan: He can go about his business.
Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.
Obi-Wan: Move along.
Stormtrooper: Move along... move along.
Obi Wan: Man! How could this idiots killed all my pals?
#15
Posted 02 July 2005 - 04:20 PM
Luke: Leia, Leia is my sister.
Ben: Your insight serves you...
(Luke turns green and begins to lurch.)
Luke: My SISTER?!
Ben: BURY YOUR FEELINGS, ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!
(Luke projectile vomits through his ghost. We hear the disembodied voice of Yoda laughing like he did in ESB.)
Yoda: Greener than me you are! Made out with your sister you did!
(Yoda continues to laugh as Luke pukes through Ben.)