[Gerhard]

ROTS (Back to the future homage)

Anakin: You can't kill him!

Mace: He's to dangerous to let live!

Anakin: You can't, you will disrupt time-space continuum

Mace: What?

Anakin: Me and this guy will kill all the Jedi, create the Galatic Empire, fight the rebels so he has to be living at the end so I can kill him and restore balance in the force. If you kill him now, there will be no Episodes IV-V-VI and thus could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe. Granted, that's the worse case scenario. The destruction might, in fact, be very localised, limited to merely our own galaxy.

Mace: Man, you have to quit using those death-Sticks

[Gerhard]

The REAL ending to The Empire Strikes Back...

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.
A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! Luke backs away. He
looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else?
You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him...when I was
9 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Nine years old! And what have you done?
Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own
ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 9, I single-handedly
destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me
what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of
the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had
exterminated the Jedi Knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 9 years old, winner
of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer...right
here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose
you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

[Gerhard]

Sometime between episodes 1 & 2 during Anakin's training with Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan: Anakin, there's something I must tell you about the Jedi. We are forbidden to have sexual relations with others.
Anakin: Then what am I to do when I have those certain feelings? Those urges? Those desires?
Obi-Wan: Long ago, a jedi discovered a technique, a way to relieve that sexual tension. In moments when you are alone you may find yourself using the force in a different way by playing with your personal hidden area. If you know what I mean.
Anikin: I understand....Tell me, what was the name of the Jedi who discovered this technique?
Obi-Wan: Jedi Master Bator, of course.

[Gerhard]

Luke: But I was gonna go in Tosche Station and pick up some power converters!
Owen: Yeah, right Luke. Power converters.
Luke: What do you mean?
Owen: Luke. I know you're gay. Your aunt and I have known since you were eight.
Luke: I am not gay!
Owen: Sand covered planet, spotless white tunic. Hangs around with an older guy named "Biggs" who has a big bushy mustache. No. Not gay. Not you.

[Gerhard]

Star Wars - Tatoonie

Beru - Owen he can't stay here, most of his friends have gone, it means so much to him.
Owen - I'll make it up to him next year.
Beru - Luke's just not a farmer Owen, he has too much of his father in him.
Owen - I know, I keep finding dead tusken raiders buried in the backyard...

[Gerhard]

III

OBI WAN: Quick, we're the last of our kind. Let's band together and overthrow the empire while his power is just beginning to form!

Yoda: I've gotta better idea: Lets grow old and alone for the next 20 years while millions more die under palpatine and maybe...just maybe we'll train this baby someday.

OBI WAN: Deal, see ya later!

[Gerhard]

Empire Strikes Back - Astroroid Field

Solo - This looks interesting...
Leia - Jar Jar system?
Solo - Jar Jar's not a system, he's a gungun. We go way back Jar Jar an' me.
Leia - Can you trust him?
Solo - Well the Empire's got no love for him, and neither does Lucas, or the fans, or even hasbro...

[Gerhard]

Return of the Jedi - Jabba's Palace

Solo - How we doin' kid?
Luke - Same as always.
Solo - That bad hun'?
Luke - Could be worse...
Solo - How's that?
Luke - Lucas could be directing...

[Gerhard]

Episode IV: A New Hope
On board the Tantive IV:

Vader: Several transmissions were beamed aboard your ship. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.

Leia: You can take those transmissions and shove them up your cybernetic @$$, You were never there for my childhood!

Vader: Of course I was there...I even got you a pony.

Leia: A DEAD pony, force choked by YOU!

Vader: That pony understimated the power of the Dark Side.

[Gerhard]

Empire Strikes Back - Hoth

Leia - Two fighters will be assigned to protect each transport.

Pilot - Two fighters versus a star destroyer?

Leia - The film projector will play Episode I several times to make sure that no enemy vessals will want to be in your way.

[Gerhard]

In EPVII:

Han: What will you do now luke?
Luke: I've created a time machine.
Han: Why?
Luke: To bring balance to the force.
HAN has a puzzled look.
Luke: To iron out some plot holes.
Leia: hey let's just finish Lucas in the mid 80s, make it look like an overdose, then their wont be any plot holes.
Luke: Then my grandfather will still be human.
Chewbacca: And no one will know I was Yoda's bitch
Leia: And I can think whatever the hell I want about my mother.
Han: Whatever, that bastard didn't write me in

[Gerhard]

A New Hope

Luke to Han: You don't believe in the force, do you?

Han: Kid, don't even get me started with that *beep* myth. I had just gotten through telling Chewy that if I hear any more of this Yoda crap, he's back to being a slave for the Empire.

[Gerhard]

In the Empire strikes back:

Yoda: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.
Obi Wan: I was like that when you trained me. Was'nt I?
Yoda: I dont know! I didn't trained you, it was qui gon remember?
Obi Wan: Oh thats true.

and later...

Yoda: Told you I did. Reckless is he. Now, matters are worse.
Obi-Wan: That boy was our last hope.
Yoda: No!! He is not!
Obi wan: No?
Yoda: His sister! Hello! man do you have alzheimer or something?

[Gerhard]

In A New Hope:

Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Wan: [influencing the stormtrooper's mind] You don't need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification.
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Obi-Wan: He can go about his business.
Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.
Obi-Wan: Move along.
Stormtrooper: Move along... move along.
Obi Wan: Man! How could this idiots killed all my pals?

[Gerhard]

ROTJ: Luke and Ben talk on Degobah:

Luke: Leia, Leia is my sister.
Ben: Your insight serves you...
(Luke turns green and begins to lurch.)
Luke: My SISTER?!
Ben: BURY YOUR FEELINGS, ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!
(Luke projectile vomits through his ghost. We hear the disembodied voice of Yoda laughing like he did in ESB.)
Yoda: Greener than me you are! Made out with your sister you did!
(Yoda continues to laugh as Luke pukes through Ben.)