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What if Lucas remade [i]Star Wars[/i]? Here's a topic!

#1 User is offline   ernesttomlinson Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 12:59 AM

Now one could argue that with his ultra sooper special editions Lucas is essentially already remaking Episode IV, but I wonder...if he made the whole movie again from scratch, following Episode III, what would it look like?

A few suggestions.

1. Han Solo is played by Temuera Morrison with the explanation that he's Jango Fett's long-lost twin brother, separated before Fett went to get himself cloned. Rick McCallum tells us that this explains Boba Fett's lifelong desire to destroy Solo along with the whole Skywalker family.

2. Tatooine now has more droids and animals on it than people. They clutter every shot. (Wait, that already happens.)

3. The cantina is now a fully computer generated holodeck and Lucas shows off his animation by changing the scenery gratuitously with a single command during the film sequence. Obi-Wan gives a bartender a Force lesson in rethinking whether to put so much vermouth in the martinis.

4. Luke is played by Hayden Christensen with the exactly the same bad hair that Anakin had in Episode III. Leia is played by Natalie Portman. After all, why spoil a bad movie by getting some better actors? Besides, we need constant reminder of who there parents are.

5. We have touching reunions with Watto, Sebulba, and the two-headed pod race announcer. Of course there is another pod-race sequence, twice as long, and now it's legal to have thermal detonator launchers and automatic blasters on the pods.

6. The final Death Star sequence is intercut with four other action sequences, including one where Obi-Wan fights both Vader and also a cyborg with four arms and equipped with a crossbow that shoots lightsabres.

7. The little duel between Han and Greedo is now a five-minute chase and firefight. Greedo at first tries to take out Han by hiring Boba Fett who then pays someone to slip a cylinder of deadly gas into the Millennium Falcon (which is now shiny.)

8. Continuing in the tradition of humiliating famous British actors by casting them in nothing roles, Tarkin is played by Derek Jacobi, Motti is played by David Thewlis, and the old guy who does the Death Star briefing is played by James Fox.

9. Boba Fett is in every other scene, by the way.

10. Jar Jar is still alive.
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#2 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 01:06 AM

That will give me nightmares.
Thank you ernest.
And its capital I to get the Italic coding.

Edit - but still bloody funny.

This post has been edited by Mnesymone: 26 May 2005 - 01:07 AM

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#3 User is offline   diligent_d Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 01:46 AM

QUOTE
equipped with a crossbow that shoots lightsabres.


That cracked me up. biggrin.gif
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#4 User is offline   Twig Bear Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 02:41 AM

11. Darth Vader... hell everybody... doing ridiculous, aerobatic stunts in their lightsaber battles.

12. Lando Calrissian is the love-child of Mace Windu and Aayla Secura.
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#5 User is offline   ernesttomlinson Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 02:51 AM

I can't seem to edit the frickin' thing...I'd love to, those brackets make me look moronic or at least drunk. (gulps down another glass)

Another addition: when Owen forbid Luke from going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, Luke doesn't merely complain but throws a tantrum, kills his aunt and uncle, and burns their place down while John Williams's oppressive music crashes and booms menacingly. This will foreshadow Luke's turn to the Dark Side. Oddly there will be no further reference to this murderous rampage.
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#6 User is offline   Bohrok Awakener Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 11:52 AM

LOL, this is hilarious! I can just imagine Lucas doing this to our beloved A New Hope (okay, Star Wars for the real fanboys)... let's hope it never happens.

1. The destruction of Alderaan is lengthened into a 10-minute long sequence as we see Bail Organa and his wife desperately trying to leave the planet. These scenes are intercutted with Leia crying uncontrollably. As the scene ends, Bail looks up at the Death Star, and Leia looks at Alderaan, thinking of eachother. Then Alderaan blows up, and Leia begins screaming uncontrollably.

2. References are made frequently to Naboo, Coruscant, Kamino, Geonosis, Utapau and Mustafar, to help ANH link in better with the Prequel Trilogy.

3. Vader often retires to his isolation chamber, where he has a quiet sob (read: Noooooooooooooo!) as he thinks about Padme. These scenes are intercutted with sequences of Palpatine laughing stupidly.

4. When Vader meets Leia, the first thing he says is "Gee, you sure look like Padme,", just to remind the brain-dead people watching that Leia is Padme's daughter.

5. Mos Eisley is replaced with Mos Espa. When they meet Watto, he mistakes Luke for Anakin, once again slapping the viewer across the face that Luke is Anakin's son.

6. The Obi-Wan vs. Vader fight has been expanded into a 30 minute sequence, featuring the two jumping and running throughout the entire Death Star. Throughout the fight, they surf on liquid trash in a trash-compactor, they through eachother in the way of the superlaser, and jump onto passing TIE fighters. Finally, in the Death Star's reactor core, Vader admits to Obi-Wan that he is Anakin. Obi-Wan can't handle it, so he attempts to cut off Vader's head. In his old age, however, he falls off a catwalk and into the reactor core. Luke doesn't care about the news that Obi-Wan has died (to remind the viewer of Anakin's wooden, unrealistic performances in AOTC.

This brings up the question of how Lucas would change The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi...
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#7 User is offline   Michel Orla Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 12:24 PM

QUOTE (ernesttomlinson @ May 26 2005, 12:59 AM)
10.  Jar Jar is still alive.


Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Great list, that's exactly what Lucas would do crying.gif Which is why we as decent Star Wars fans should never let that happen
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#8 User is offline   Twig Bear Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 12:28 PM

Can anybody say, Moff Jar Jar?
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#9 User is offline   diligent_d Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 02:33 PM

I should interject some of the filler that we can expect to see between Tatooine and the Death Star:

After a 20 minute battle in Mos Eisley with Battle Droids (now replacing those peskily out-dated Stormtroopers), a now-CGI Han Solo and the gang blast off into space. They bring Watto along for comic relief. On their journey, they make pit-stops at Kashyyyk, Nal Hutta, Naboo, Genosha, and Kessel in order to obtain the elusive hyperspace co-ordinates to Alderaan.

On each pit-stop, there are more Battle Droids who now ride Rancors, Planet Crushing Imperial Walkers (that are sure to make the Walkers in Empire look like shit), the evil ghost of Dooku, Bobba Fett, more wookies, General Wicket W. Warrick, and Dark-side swayed Gungans.

As well, we find out that C3PO years ago was an assasination droid for the Sith Lord named Darth Enforcer (though we never hear about him again) before his memory was erased in the Prequels. His past becomes evident once more when twin-ion cannons pop out of his back and destroys most of the Imperial Walkers with ease. He actually leaps onto one, does several flips, and dispatches the crew inside with his laser-eyes. Watto manages to destroy the other Walker.

R2D2 can now fly in space and takes out a Star Destroyer (ships that are 5 times as big, transform into robots, are more technologically advanced, and make the Executioner in Empire look like shit).

Ben Kenobi (who is now a CG Ewan McGregor - no more of that old Alec Guiness, gang!) fights Dooku.

Luke becomes encased in Carbonite for a couple of minutes, but in comedic fashion his Carbonite-encased body is accidentally knocked over and bounces down the steps of an old Jedi Temple on Kessel and takes out an entire legion of Battle Droids. He is soon thawed shortly after and gets a medal.

General Wicket leads the assault with Commando Ewoks (don't ask why he doesn't recognize Han, Chewie, or 3P0 in ROTJ - we'll *ahem* just let that one sliiiiiide) on a Clone Fortress on Genosha. The Ewoks ride droids. Some even ride mini-walkers. They attack the clones, led by Bobba Fett. Outnumbered and outgunned, the Ewoks still win with little effort. Through it all, we barely see Han Solo, who now in a Jar Jar Binks manner has been relegated to the background by George Lucas.

After all that, they find the Hyperspace Co-ordinates and go to Alderaan only to find out it was blown up. Off to the Death Star!

** And keeping true to the George Lucas spirit, you can be sure that I have already gone in with the edit button and changed much of this...watch for the Special Edition, out soon.

This post has been edited by diligent_d: 26 May 2005 - 02:43 PM

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#10 User is offline   Helena Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 03:42 PM

The Emperor is renamed 'City Councillor Palpatine' and dresses like the title character of The Mikado. Scenes set in the Imperial Senate are scattered throughout the movie, including one where Palpatine tricks the Senate into voting for its own abolition (with Jar Jar making the casting vote, naturally). Instead of tempting Luke to join the Dark Side, Vader tries to persuade him that dictatorships are better because they 'make people agree'. Oh, and the Empire ditched its army after wiping out the Jedi, because what other threats could there possibly be?
QUOTE
The sandpeople had women and children. We know this because Anakin killed them how could he tell? The children might be smaller but I never saw a sandperson with breasts. Did they hike their skirts and show him some leg or something?

QUOTE
Also, I can see the point of wanting to kidnap a human and use her as a slave, but they didn't. They tied her to a flimsy easel for a month. It's assumed they had to feed and give her water. What for? Was she purely ornamental? I can understand them wanting the droids, you can sell those for a lot of money, but a chick who's only skills are finding non-existand mushrooms and getting randomly pregnant, you're not going to get much.

- J m HofMarN on the Sand People
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#11 User is offline   Cyclonian Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 03:45 PM

I think the old films were fine before all the changes and tweaks, so remaking them from scratch would only make more purists mad. ph34r.gif
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#12 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 07:08 PM

Cyclonian... this is a joke thread - that was the point.
Still, full marks for effort.

How bout, in ESB, the space slug becomes CGI'd and actually leaves the asteroid to chase the smooth shiny falcon and then goes head on with the Avenger which is also smooth and shiny and transforms into Vehicle Force Voltron and kills the space slug with a giant lightsaber.
Yoda trains Luke in lightsaber duelling by using the Super Grover mode. Luke and Vader actually fight first on the landing platform of Bespin, and go throughout the entire thing in an enormous super grover battle with each other before they end up in the giant shaft at the bottom. Instead of simply falling from the railing, Luke actually jumps for the other side of the shaft and almost makes it and we see his fingernails leaving marks in the shaftwall before he falls out the bottom. The wampa has frost breath, is fourteen feet tall, has wings and the battle with the wampa is actually a five-minute super grover assault to get past the frost breath and six swords held, one in each of the wampas six arms, made entirely out of ice. For a coup de grace, rather than trying to tractor beam the Falcon at the end, the Executor turns into a giant Vader Voltron and tries to grasp it in its hand before artoo flies across and fixes the hyperdrive while turning to face the camera and beep. As artoo squeals and the falcon leaps away he floats above the pit, Chewie says "that little droid did it" and leia demands that Lando (played by Samuel L. Jackson) clean Artoo up. When threepio is strapped to Chewie's back, he reverts to killing mode, his eyes glow red and he provides covering fire for their escape. Boba Fett is actually killed by Leia at the landing platform, but it turns out to be a decoy-clone. The Snowspeeders, which are smooth and shiny, are actually very big and gunship like, but still can't hurt the AT-ATs because the AT-ATs are actually the Star Destroyer robots landed on the surface. At the very end, 2-1B comments to Luke about another prosthesis he made (Anakin post-immolation) and then a rainbow appears across the galaxy as Luke and Leia look out to it.
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#13 User is offline   Michel Orla Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 07:39 PM

Lets not forgot Lucas would change some dialogue to be more consistant with the PT, and of course much more crappy

In ESB-
Leia: I love you
Han: I know
Leia: I dont know you anymore. Han, you're breaking my heart. Tell me you love me more before I die of a broken heart

Yoda says poodoo at least three times in frustration at Luke's training

Vader: Luke. You can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. It has been prophasized. Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as father and son, together forever
(In this version Luke actually considers joining)
Luke: Perhaps it is true. Yoda told me of the prophacy. (His eyes turn yellow) I CAN BE THE ONE WHO RESTORE BALANCE TO THE GALAXY! I CAN BE ALL POWERFUL!
Vader:You bet your midichlorian!
(Luke hears Ewan McGregor's Obi Wan in his head):Remember the living force, this is not the way of the Jedi, Luke.
Luke:You are right master. I'll never join you....Dad
(Luke steps off the gantry platform and falls far below)
Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
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#14 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 07:47 PM

Heck funny... and you still have the greatest avatar of all.
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#15 User is offline   Despondent Icon

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Posted 26 May 2005 - 08:26 PM

You all are brilliant. Best thread of 2005.
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